Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

defining your own freedom

 Next week I'm turning twenty years old. For some reason that sounds even scarier than turning eighteen was. I mean of course that's the age when you become an adult, you get to vote, you pay taxes and whatnot but in the end most of us were still very much kids when we got there and it was ok that way. Maybe you were about to graduate high school, you might've made plans to travel a bit, or your job training was about to be completed. Whatever it was, your life still had this unimaginable amount of possibilities open for you.

 There is something about being a teenager that means freedom. Maybe it's the lack of better knowledge or the fact that those hormonal beasts just can't be controlled anyway, but there are many roads open. You're free to choose what you want to study; you can never ever travel as easy as you can do now, the world lies beneath your feet. Yes you can still do lots of things in your twenties, especially when there is no hurry to have kids, but you have to be the right person for it. A traveller is easy going, adventurous. I have heard enough stories of friends who went to Australia during their gap year, whilst I sat on my couch in front of a laptop watching YouTube videos.

 Now I feel like the responsible side of my brain has taken over. I work, I go to Uni, I study, I go to church and youth group. It's somewhat monotone. The problem is I just recently discovered how much I adore not being tied to a normal life, how much I actually crave for freedom and the feeling of no strings attached. I thought that having found my place was what I needed. Having roots is a good thing and essential, but living in a golden cage would be torture to me as I seem to be having a rather free spirit.

 So much has had me thinking recently. Once again I look at my life and even though I'm not doing as poorly as I did a year ago, there is definitely more that I still want to do, so much things left to learn. I have a list of places that I want to see, some are not even that far away, but I just don't take the money and time and to actually move my lazy bum there. I'm also evaluating my own short- and long-term goals. There is a lot of faith in me that there is a plan for my life, maybe not for every little instant but for the bigger things. Am I right now doing whatever I can to get there, to achieve those goals? Am I wasting my time when I'm supposed to be doing something entirely different? It's quite hard to distinguish what I should do when. When is a time for quitting, when to endure? I have not a single clue; all I can is to try to make the best of it.

 So far I have not been such a person who wanted to escape normality by whatever cost it may take, but slowly I begin to realise how much the thought of that monotony appals me. How to evade it whilst still being a working part of society? I'm not one to drop out just like that, nor am I one to be pioneering and to make revolutions. I can't just quit my job because first of all it's a good one and I've had it worse. I kind of don't want to quit youth group because it's something that is dear to me, even when it's not always easy. I can't quit church because it's also a place where I experience some of the freedom I look for, though it's also the place that makes me feel restricted so much. Finally I can't quit Uni because even though for a short time that would make me very happy, it's not a good long-time decision. Maybe someday this stupid piece of paper that is a degree will be of a use. I even considered stopping to write this blog because I have not been happy with my online content recently. What am I even talking about? I just know that there is no quitting here, I just need to keep going. Sometimes feelings are tricky, mine usually leave the consequences to a future self instead of considering them in the first place, so I need to find a way to trick them.

 Yes, I realize where my main troubles lie, but as I said, knowing what to do next in life is quite a challenge. Where do I have to make cuts in order to refind happiness and to feel a little more liberated than I am right now? Is freedom something that is on my agenda right now?

 I don't know, that's just what went round and round in my head the past month. In the end I'm sure of two things: That once I'm at the finish line of my life I will look back and see how everything turned out just right. This means that in this very instant, I’m doing just fine even though I might struggle with it. The other thing is that finding out what that means exactly is the work and the adventure of a lifetime. No one is ever ahead of their life, everybody is in constant evaluation and recreation, you find your very on path and that's what life is about.

Cheerio.

My worst enemy

Growing up some people learn a lesson, namely that children can be cruel. I mean I was not majorly bullied back in school, but that was mostly because I tried to fit in a lot. Still I can remember moments when I was mocked. Especially music camp comes to my mind. Every person who slept with me in a room left for another, I was left alone. The kids locked me in my room with a chair under the door knob. I was called names (ok, I mean they actually called me the chemical name for water, but firstly I didn’t understand that back then and secondly they wanted it to be mean, the intention counts there). What I learned then was that words can hurt, but that I was also not going to take crap from every person who needed an outlet for the negativity in their life.

As a “grown up” there are very little people left who I allow enough power and access to my emotions to actually hurt me. I have trusted people but the scenarios in which they betray me, well they are limited I’d say. Still there is someone left who tears me apart on an almost daily basis. This person is a bully of an indepth knowledge of my every weakness that makes it seemingly impossible to get past it. I’m still finding my way out of this abusive relationship, but it’s a really tough call.

Who I’m talking about you ask? The answer is simply, it’s me. I am my worst enemy. I’m rather easy with forgiving others. My own mistakes? I carry them on my back year after year. One example for this stands out over all of the others though. There was this girl that I used to play sports with. I had nothing against here and I remember days in which we even got along fairly well. On the other hand there was this rather bossy girl (she did look innocent but she was rather manipulative), who had a leading position in our team. Both girls did not get along, why doesn’t matter. The bossy girl then decided to hate on the other, somehow convincing the whole rest of the team to join her, me included. We bullied her. Nowadays I cannot even imagine how I was so blind to do such a thing, but I was easy to be manipulated. Eventually the bullied girl quit. To my own luck the story doesn’t end there as this would be a very big shame.

Two or three years after her leaving, the formerly bullied girl and her family joined our church. I kid you not, when I first saw her again I was in desperate search for the deepest darkest hole to hide in and never get back out. Guilt is a terrible emotion, especially when you know that you’ve earned it. Unlike what I expected her to do, she did not blame me, she wasn’t mean to me or anything. Even better, she forgave me very quickly. I remember her sitting on my lap during Sunday school (we are talking about a person who is not even cuddly!). While it was ok for her, it was not for me. It took me years for what she did in weeks. I even remember one evening more than a year ago. Another friend and I had spontaneously spend the day at hers, playing video games. In the evening during the family dinner suddenly her mother said jokingly: “Who would’ve ever thought back in the day that one day you’d be eating at this very table”. I mean we had all talked about it and shared some laughs about my stupidity, but even back then it still had an edge to me, even though I’m mostly ok with it now.

There is a saying that goes: “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body, you’d have no friends left at all.” I probably call myself stupid twice a day, ugly probably once. I don’t trust myself. When I think of my goals, the only thing I see stopping myself from achieving them, is me. It’s like I’m constantly trying to fight my own shadow, and I’m losing. It’s a circle of negativity.

If you know this blog then you might’ve understood that I never end a post on a negative note. So there comes my life lesson. I am fighting my shadow when there is absolutely no need for that. There are worse problems than my poor little ego around on the planet. The most effective way to get rid of a shadow is to shine light on it, fight it with happiness and don’t let the negativity get you down. You might think that getting past yourself is impossible, at least you know every single trick of yours, but a shadow is just a pathetic poor and colourless version of you, so move on!

So now that I have successfully cheered myself up I should really write that paper that I’m not going to mess up, just because I failed another paper! I’m better than I was and I’m better than my failure

Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: third episode

We made it to the final instalment of this series, as today is actually valentine’s day. As I said before, even if I was in a relationship right now I would not actually be doing anything else today as I’m doing anyway. I was reminded by a friend yesterday that this day was mostly pushed by the industries in order to make more money. I know that and obviously you should celebrate love every day, not just once a year. I hope we’re clear now? Well then, off to today’s topic

We had flirting, we had dating, and the most obvious conclusion for this trio would be talking about relationships. My problem with that is the fact that I have zero personal experience with that. To top I think I could even admit that the past few month I’ve even been a very happy single. I don’t see the point in fixing myself on one person at this stage of my life. I’m free, I have two regular jobs, live at two places, have different circles of friends and all in all, there are not much boundaries that I have left. If I had a boyfriend then I would have to take time for him. I usually try to keep up with my friends, but being in a relationship means being exclusive, having some obligations. Plus I doubt that I have met the right guy yet.

Apart from lacking the urge to tie myself to some random dude I’m still secretly an expert with relationships. That’s something that is actually quite common, people with low experience but with somewhat of a natural understanding giving relationship advice to others. Don’t ask me why. Most of my knowledge is out of reading way too many books. You get a lot of love stories in almost every book, huge varieties of situations, different couples. Also it helps to talk with people, older ones, younger ones, people who have had a relationship that failed, people who go strong for a while... It’s not that hard to figure some points out.

The first real I was thought about guys by my parents was: never start a relationship if you could not imagine marring that person in the long run. Keep everything in perspective. I’m totally against too much pressure, especially in the beginning as this phase should be enjoyed by the couple; on the other hand it’s crucial to be aware where exactly you stand. There was enough insecurity when both people had not yet confessed their feelings. After all, to be genuinely open is very important. It’s not about picking a fight every time your significant other makes a little move that annoys you, but if you’re constantly unhappy, if it’s something that bothers you every time it happens then it’s probably best to just speak it out as soon as possible.

The third point is that while it is important for you to spend time together, you also should not forget about your friends. It’s very likely that forgetting the first will not happen so easily, I have seen enough people who happen to lose every little bit of focus as soon as their “other half” walks in. What I’ve seen and heared about a lot though is that people forget to find room in their agenda for people who are not that one person. Of course enjoy the pink bubble your in, but if everything falls apart, which has happened before and will happen again, then you need to be sure to have people that pick you up from the ground. I have lost a dear friend to a guy who forbid her to meet me and her other close friends, due to a misunderstanding. Even when I apologizes, ceveral times, he ignored it. That was the moment when I promised myself never to let that happen to me and about three girls around me have the official allowance to slap me if I forget about that ;)

Finally the forth advice: Enjoy it. There is a saying that goes; love as if you’ve never been hurt. I think when most of us grow up we lose our hearts once or twice, maybe more. As far as I know that does not end well in many cases. It’s ok to get ones heart broken, but you should never allow yourself to break too. Don’t get cold heated, it would be a loss to the world.

I think, unlike the “holiday” that tries to celebrate it generally, that love is great. Celebrate it every day, find a date that is special to just the two of you instead of focusing on the world and what you have to do after what society says. Love is unique and not to be put in a box of chocolate!

I hope you have a lovely day, embrace singlehood or celebrate your partner, it’s probably where you are supposed to be right now.

Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: seconde episode

Hello there, are you up for a next topic? Today I thought that it would be a good day for some dating. Now I hope I made it clear to you that flirting does not mean you are actually that much into someone else, whilst if you actually start dating someone, well then you better be. Flirting may lead to a relationship, but it doesn’t have to, it is as much of an activity for a happy single as it is for someone who doesn’t want to be alone anymore.  As soon as you have caught a real interest in a person, things might change though, as you actually want to catch the other person’s interest too. Instead of just seeing it as fun you might change strategy. You try to figure out as much as possible about the other person and well, you kind of become more concrete. Things become kind of serious, which can be either bad or good.

First of all, what to do when you have a crush on someone? I’m a coward at heart, that’s why I think it’s up to the guy to make the first move. On the other hand I imagine it to be quite hard to open up towards someone out of the blue, so we girls should try our best to encourage the guy, granted that it’s what we want. There is where for me some problems come up. I wouldn’t know how to show interested without giving away too much. When it comes to love I’m rather introverted. When I’m usually open and easy going I totally shut down when I have feelings for someone. The word “normal” does not exist in such situations. I cannot even look at that guy at first because I fear my face will give away everything. Usually I speak my mind but I’m so terribly scared of rejection that when my feelings are fresh I have inner battles how to act around “him”. And even if I wasn’t that shy, when you are comfortable around guys how do you avoid just being seen as a friend, how to stand out? I have no clue.

One of the guys I know heavily promotes the theory that girls can show interested by subtle touches. Body contact is the solution for him. The problem with that one is that I touch other people quite a lot (yay for sounding like a strange person). I mean have you ever ironically patted someone’s shoulder when they’ve complained about something irrelevant? Did you ever hit someone when they did a stupid joke? Have you ever messed up someone’s hair for messing up your friend’s? Ever had a play fight, got thrown into snow or any kind of water? There are a lot of chances to touch someone and not meaning anything with it, so how should a guy know when you are just acting as friends do and when you mean more than that?

Trust me I will not stop the way I act just because some guy has his theory. I will not constantly control myself and over think things from now on. It took me enough time to comfortable around guys, so I’ll remain like that. Of course my friends agreed that it was not the best solution, that’s where another friend comes in. He just shrugged and said: “You might also just ask her if she wants to grab a drink with you”. Hell yes. I mean of course, I would be terribly nervous to get a drink with a male individual. I figured recently that even with one of my closest male friends, I might text them a lot but I rarely ever hang out with just him alone. We went playing billiard recently and even though I know that he is not into me (we talked about that one, TWICE), and I’m not into him, for a moment it felt oh so awkward. That’s life I guess. On the other hand just going into a bar or even a café means that you get to spent time with that person, in which you can discuss certain things in person and also it does not necessarily mean anything because you could also do that just as friends. It’s somewhat nonchalant in my opinion.

Also there is this nice thing with not seeing the obvious. I have experienced both sides, once a guy I showed actual interest in did not notice it. We actually had a conversation about that month later and he had no idea that I had a crush on him for more than two years, even though I fought all my fears down and told him stuff like he is handsome. He didn’t suspect anything. On the other hand I usually see when a couple around me is about to get together. Usually I think it’s very obvious. When a guy does show the slightest bit of affection towards me? I’m totally blind. Ok it only happened once, but after telling a friend who saw us together, she just laughed and said she was suspecting something when I was caught by surprise. Maybe it’s a sign of low self-esteem that people might not see those signs, even when everybody around them does.

Now that’s kind of what dating is to me. It’s the middle stage, after flirting, before relationship. It’s an inbetweener, a link. Again, definitions are not exactly my strength as I tend to just use a word in a specific context. As you might or might not see, I actually do not have that much experience in successfully start a relationship, but I’ve had enough crushes in my life to have at least some rough ideas, trust me on that. See you soon!

Cheerio.