A Yearly Recap

I only ever have one big goal for a new year: Progress. The thought of standing still, of life not being an endless journey of change and growth, it sounds bad to me. Every year I want to go ahead and attempt to become better, in whatever sense that could be. I remember clearly December 2014, I was not content. My year was good, not much to complain about, but I honestly couldn’t pinpoint that many extraordinary moments. I did not feel like I as a person changed, tried new things or had been especially fierce. It just didn’t feel enough. For 2015 I dreamed about more, without being sure what this more meant.

Now, today, on January 1^st 2016, things are differently. I am proud to say, that in 2015, I fulfilled my goal. I worked on myself, I had highs and lows but my mind-set is to my utter surprise not the same as it used to be. Not due to the clock changing, cause "new year, new me" is crap, but because I had 365 days to change, and somehow I did.

Mostly, that happened due to circumstances I did not influence, so I can’t really take credit for it. I just want to start this year with being thankful. I am grateful for the learning opportunities in 2015. I am astonished about the small and big opportunities I had last year. I am amazed at the people I have around me that just make me a better self. Finally, I am curious and ready to see more of that happening in 2016.

I do like to look back on a year by having a small timeline of things that happened. I already wrote that, but I am ignoring it. Instead I will sort things by topic. Last year was great cause…

…I saw more gigs than I ever thought I would. I am not a music gal, but singing with musicians you enjoy and to songs you love in a big crowd is something that can happen more often if you ask me. Shout out to Imagine Dragons, Hurts, For King and Country, Jesus Culture, Sido, Culcha Candela.

…I had a bucket list summer. Now that is a concept I thought about when all of a sudden, I did all those cool things, like boating on a big river in Switzerland, visiting summer camp, going to Greece and Germany, multiple weddings of couples I like so much and finally doing my theory test for driving in addition to just so many beautiful summer days and nights with beautiful people.

…I have a rough idea about what I will do the next two and a half years cause I will stay at university to get a second bachelor’s degree in theology. That’s one of the best things that came out of this year and even though I am crumbling already due to the workload, I am looking forward to it a lot.

… I changed. This is the hardest to explain, but so much about my mindset has changed this year. I really want to dig into that in a later post. I see myself different now, I believe I am capable of so many things and I start to wonder if my dreams could really actually become reality. In addition to that, I kind of made peace with myself, with some aspects that have been bugging me for years and years, and all of a sudden everything feels possible. It’s easiest to say: I fell in love with my own life.

…I started doing more things for myself and on my own. That feels good!

…I actually went to a brothel and to the red light district with an organisation that is in contact with prostitutes and tries to help them, in my own city. I mean, this is crazy, and amazing, and left me with even more intentions to work in that field.

…I won my fifth year of NaNoWriMo even though I initially did not want to participate. NaNo was hectic and crazy, but that’s what Novembers are for!

…there were actually so many big and little things that happened that made me smile, giggle and laugh. I can’t even remember all, but the year was filled with them and I am grateful.

Now the things is, that there were also sad things, mostly death related. I was especially touched by four. The first is silly, my dog died. She was with us for 16 years, so since I was five years old. One day to another she was too weak to get up and so we had to put her down.

The second death was a woman of my church. I can’t even describe why that touched me, but it did. There were various little reasons that just built up to that feeling. At least I know that she IS in a better place now.

And the last, and most recent one, on the 22. December my Grandfather died. I had 21 years wit four grandparents, so I am lucky, still I am sad, cause he was such a kind man and I loved him a lot. At least I know he knew I loved him, as well as I know he loved me. In the aftermath of him dying my grandma collapsed and had to have surgery, so my holidays were rather bittersweet. My grandma is slowly getting well again.

You see, everything is a mixture of emotions, but that’s ok, that’s how life is for me. I was able to spend the last couple of days with friends at a conference in my city and that was just the best way to let a year end.

Once again, I conclude that this year was good, crazy, a lot to handle, unexpected, adventurous, challenging, but so so worth it. I am truly grateful for it all!

Cheerio. 

Ps: Ok, addmited, this year I have one goal: to read through the bible, all of it. Let's see where that gets me!

Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

defining your own freedom

 Next week I'm turning twenty years old. For some reason that sounds even scarier than turning eighteen was. I mean of course that's the age when you become an adult, you get to vote, you pay taxes and whatnot but in the end most of us were still very much kids when we got there and it was ok that way. Maybe you were about to graduate high school, you might've made plans to travel a bit, or your job training was about to be completed. Whatever it was, your life still had this unimaginable amount of possibilities open for you.

 There is something about being a teenager that means freedom. Maybe it's the lack of better knowledge or the fact that those hormonal beasts just can't be controlled anyway, but there are many roads open. You're free to choose what you want to study; you can never ever travel as easy as you can do now, the world lies beneath your feet. Yes you can still do lots of things in your twenties, especially when there is no hurry to have kids, but you have to be the right person for it. A traveller is easy going, adventurous. I have heard enough stories of friends who went to Australia during their gap year, whilst I sat on my couch in front of a laptop watching YouTube videos.

 Now I feel like the responsible side of my brain has taken over. I work, I go to Uni, I study, I go to church and youth group. It's somewhat monotone. The problem is I just recently discovered how much I adore not being tied to a normal life, how much I actually crave for freedom and the feeling of no strings attached. I thought that having found my place was what I needed. Having roots is a good thing and essential, but living in a golden cage would be torture to me as I seem to be having a rather free spirit.

 So much has had me thinking recently. Once again I look at my life and even though I'm not doing as poorly as I did a year ago, there is definitely more that I still want to do, so much things left to learn. I have a list of places that I want to see, some are not even that far away, but I just don't take the money and time and to actually move my lazy bum there. I'm also evaluating my own short- and long-term goals. There is a lot of faith in me that there is a plan for my life, maybe not for every little instant but for the bigger things. Am I right now doing whatever I can to get there, to achieve those goals? Am I wasting my time when I'm supposed to be doing something entirely different? It's quite hard to distinguish what I should do when. When is a time for quitting, when to endure? I have not a single clue; all I can is to try to make the best of it.

 So far I have not been such a person who wanted to escape normality by whatever cost it may take, but slowly I begin to realise how much the thought of that monotony appals me. How to evade it whilst still being a working part of society? I'm not one to drop out just like that, nor am I one to be pioneering and to make revolutions. I can't just quit my job because first of all it's a good one and I've had it worse. I kind of don't want to quit youth group because it's something that is dear to me, even when it's not always easy. I can't quit church because it's also a place where I experience some of the freedom I look for, though it's also the place that makes me feel restricted so much. Finally I can't quit Uni because even though for a short time that would make me very happy, it's not a good long-time decision. Maybe someday this stupid piece of paper that is a degree will be of a use. I even considered stopping to write this blog because I have not been happy with my online content recently. What am I even talking about? I just know that there is no quitting here, I just need to keep going. Sometimes feelings are tricky, mine usually leave the consequences to a future self instead of considering them in the first place, so I need to find a way to trick them.

 Yes, I realize where my main troubles lie, but as I said, knowing what to do next in life is quite a challenge. Where do I have to make cuts in order to refind happiness and to feel a little more liberated than I am right now? Is freedom something that is on my agenda right now?

 I don't know, that's just what went round and round in my head the past month. In the end I'm sure of two things: That once I'm at the finish line of my life I will look back and see how everything turned out just right. This means that in this very instant, I’m doing just fine even though I might struggle with it. The other thing is that finding out what that means exactly is the work and the adventure of a lifetime. No one is ever ahead of their life, everybody is in constant evaluation and recreation, you find your very on path and that's what life is about.

Cheerio.