The things we don't say

Recently I thought a lot about words that are never spoken, secrets that are never spilled and truths that are hidden behind lies. We are not talking about harmful things or bulling, but those tender moments that happen so often that we might miss them; those words between the lines that need to be looked for in order to be found.

First of all, I think nice things should always be said. When I was younger sometimes when I couldn't sleep I imagined having a terminal illness. I don't know why, it's the stupidest any healthy teenager can come up with but I kind of had this scenario in my head. I always wondered what I would do and I imagined writing letters to my loved ones. Soon I realized though, that when thinking about that I barely thought of my family. I love them and they know that. I wouldn't need so many words to explain them because it is plain visible. The people I thought more of where the ones I couldn't just express it as easily: the girl in my class who was funny, good looking and creative. My crush who I knew had many issues in his life, my dearest friends that I would never be able to thank enough for all the memories, this guy who literally is my best friend and so on.

Of course I never wrote those letters, I kept those thoughts to myself and stored them, only releasing tiny bits once in a while. When I grew older though I realized just how much it meant to me hearing similar words that I thought but this time about me. Being truly appreciated for little things, being acknowledged, even cherished... It feels amazing. I started taking screenshots of cute messages, word documents full of texts, pictures of gifts and so on. For a change I wanted to store good things said about me, to take them out again when I didn't feel good, during those though times that will find you every once in a while.

On the other hand I've decided to tell the people around me that they are brilliant. Sometimes I will not use the words "you are cool" or "I like you" simply because that might not always be the way to communicate. I have friends who I'm mostly using sarcasm with, so sometimes "You are a twat/idiot/stupid" means "I really appreciate your existence". I also assume that for some people around me it's exactly the same. A while ago I had a short talk with a friend of mine and she told me about her fear of missing out and having lost friends due to missing out in the past. I told her to look around and realize that even though she was away for a while, she still gets teased and made fun of from our friends, which clearly is their way of saying "it's like you never left", maybe even with a pinch of "we've missed you".

Someone once told me that behind every word of irony, there is a hidden agenda; something bad that we are afraid to show. At first I shrugged it off, knowing that I have used sarcasm multiple times for nothing more than a joke. On the other hand I do remember times and times when my words where true, but hidden behind irony. Maybe it's true that we are afraid to declare our admiration for someone because it might sound cheesy, but it could also just be that after a while the words "I like you" have lost so much value that we don't feel comfortable using them anymore. It could also be that we say some things that way, in order to conceal what we feel. It's not always appropriate to express your opinions; it can actually make people uncomfortable. I used to have this habit with my best guy friend in school to write each other the cheesiest birthday messages whilst not saying things like that during the year. I have found one of these messages recently and it made me so happy.

Yes I have tried to hide things behind a wall of sarcasm "of course I have a crush on him" would probably be the most used in high school (my classmates would not stop bugging me about this guy and I didn't want to talk about it so by adding a pinch of irony I made them think it wasn't true). Maybe it also was "I'm fine" (which is plain stupid. I started being honest about how I'm actually doing upon hearing this question, feels way better).

My life is an open book and that's the way I want it to be. There are very few things that I wouldn't share with my friends and even fewer that I keep all to myself (at least as long as we speak about my things. I don't spill other people's secrets). Still, sometimes it's not what you say; it's how you say it. It might be better to let action speak, or it might just be about the packaging, how you express your thoughts. Whatever you do, try to speak out the good words, keep the nice ones you receive and forget about the rest.

Maybe this was just my way of saying "sarcasm is good", or between the lines I just wanted to express "I freaking love the people around me so much, they make my life so lovable" without sounding too stupidly obvious. It's also possible that I just thought too much about those words left unspoken, that I really wish I could say, but probably never will ;)


Cheerio.

Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

What do you want to do when you grow up

This question we all got asked hundreds and hundreds of times growing up. Last Wednesday I was at my old school's graduation as I still knew some people who just graduated and I just wanted to go back. The thing is, that there were quite some people that I used to talk to quite a lot and after leaving school I never heard of them again, so I just asked the small talk question probably everybody would, starting with "how are you doing?" and ending with "what do you want to do next?". 

Finishing school is the end of this very lengthy chapter of your life so far. I still remember how it felt, having spent two thirds of my life, most part of my conscious existence, in education and suddenly you are out in the open. What do you do? There are some real classics, taking a gap year, going to Australia or another country far away, learning a language, working, starting university... barely anyone I've talked to didn't have at least a hint of an idea what the next few month were going to hold for them. I mean, I was the same, the plan was very clear: finding a job, working, travelling, starting university the year after. That did not work out and I wasn't even surprised. I kind of knew that, as a chaotic person, life and I tend to have different ideas for the next step, but that is ok as long as there is a plan at all.

I get so terribly aimless when I don't want to achieve anything. There are people who are amazing just surfing on those waves that the ocean of life provides them with. I'm not. Even though I am lazy I always try to involve myself in, to have a say in it too, but that's not always what I'm supposed to do. If we stay with that surfing picture, there is the lying on your belly and chasing the wave just as much as the riding it. You need to practice until your body knows what to do without even thinking about it, until it's more of an instinct than a thought through act. That's when you'll do it the right way. (Disclaimer: I've never really surfed in my life except for the internet, but you know...)

Now when I look back to getting asked the title question as a child I can remember various jobs I wanted to do: doctor, lawyer, computer engineer, forensic assistant, high school math teacher and so on. All of these require years of studying and hard work, besides, most of them are natural sciences, which is not my cup of tea as I know now. As a kid we don't see it that way. I know that probably every second child in an American kindergarden wants to become the president of the United States. Probably no one is going to have the guts to tell those little ones that the chances are very very limited for them. 

When we are young we just dream, we don't see what it takes to get there, we just see the goal. Now that I'm older I should be different, I should be aware that the way I work as a human being, I can never have my dream job, because that's the truth. I've never believed in those seemingly obvious things though. A few month back I was at a camp were we talked about callings. A friend of mine who was leading that camp asked me to tell the story about how I discovered what I was called for. She is familiar with my story and I have told it over and over before, so it was no big deal. Whilst talking to that small crowd of about 20-30 people I realized an additional thing though. I did not just talk about how in a dream I saw that I was helping a prostitute get out of that business, and I thus realized that this was what I wanted to do, but also what speaking about my dreams has done to me.

I'm talkative and sharing. Usually when something bugs me people will know. My intentions are mostly clear; I'm an open book to read. By telling so many people about my job dreams I have given them the opportunity to see me fail. I dream big, I want to fly high, so the fall could be pretty awful. I know that at the age of twenty I could've done more, I could be further. I still have no idea how I will end up where I want to, if it's even possible for me or not. I don't know where it will take me. I've struggled so much recently with another part of my life that it starts to affect how I feel about everything else. I begin to lose trust in myself, my goals, my friends...

And that's where it needs to stop. This is not how I want to live my life. The word impossible doesn't exist in the same universe as God does. No one would tell a kid that it can't be doctor because the educational path is tough, because you never know if it'll make it. How I was four years ago doesn't define whether I can or cannot be better tomorrow. I know what I want to do when I grow up. I have not grown up yet, because that process will only end when I exhale my last breath. Until then I don't want to know about the odds of something happening, I just want to try my best to master this mess and during that, maybe I'll get lucky and achieve some of my well chased goals. If not, there will be some other good things in this for me.

Cheerio.

Ps. I'm kind of over apologizing for not writing. I needed a break and I took it, now I'm slowly getting into the mood again. Things hopefully return to normal now, but no promises.

What it feels like for a girl

As a friend of mine once said to me; "You are not en estrogen bomb". What he wanted to say in context that I might not be the measure of all things female, which I couldn't agree more. Now don't get me wrong, I very much love to be female and I don't want to be a guy at all, all I'm saying is that the typical female stereotypes might not all apply to me.

My mum always says that we are not as typical because even though we are probably as emotional as every other woman too, we also have like a layer of sense above that. Again, I say that's the difference to the stereotype, there are thousands of women who don't apply to that cliche and I'm aware of that. I'm not sure if I see it exactly like here, because sometimes I'm very much just emotional or hormonal as some unknowing men would like to call it. 

I like spending time with male specimen. When I was younger that was not the case, but nowadays I do. We had a class reunion a few weeks ago and after eating at a Mexican restaurant we went to a bar. In there we met three guys who went to school with us, but not in the same class. With two of them I went to primary school and I've known them since I was seven. It casually happened that I engaged in a conversation with them, I think about girls. At some point one of the guys took my phone, looked at my contacts and at some photos. I let him because I didn't mind. A minute later a friend of my class approached me, gave me a distinguished smile and said: "Did he give you his number?" I couldn't do anything but shake my head. I had been talking to them for fun, I think we even talked about the girl one of them fancies and he even texted my flatmate because he thought she was cute. I’m ok with being one of the guys in some situations.

I'm a woman, but I'm not being friends with guys to find a boyfriend, nor do I try to fit in where I don't belong. In my opinion I'm just acting natural. I don't have to pretend to find video games cool, because even though I haven't played a massive amount of them,  I grew up with a brother who thought me the essentials. Besides I really think the legend of Zelda and Assassin's Creed are rad games. Sometimes I like the kind of irony and sarcasm that, in my surrounding, is found more often in guys than in gals. I also get the ambiguous jokes some guys like to make, and sometimes I can’t help but laugh at them. Lastly, occasionally I think there is nothing more fun than having a play fight with someone. I'm neither strong nor athletic, which means at some point I kind of have enough and give up, to that mark though I totally enjoy it! Men are like little boys, and sometimes I like to let my inner kid out too.

The next thing I want to talk about is cloths, appearance and all these things. Mostly I wear jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no earrings, hair brushed but open, only little jewelry like a watch and bracelet and occasionally a necklace. I don't spend a lot of time figuring out what to wear in the morning, I just grab a pair of jeans, and depending on the colour I pick a t-shirt (I just don't want to wear all black for example). If I'm really honest that's not how I like to look though. I once had a conversation with a dear friend about what we would wear if we didn't mind at all. I told her I'd be looking way more feminine that I do know. I like skirts and dresses. I enjoy putting on make-up and I can't wait till my hair is long enough to get my next project done (red ombré ends). Also I have started a little obsession with nail polish the past few weeks. 

Why don't I just change then? I once wore pink lipstick to church and the review were very mixed. Also skirts can be annoying if you are not the best-behaved person which means you don't want the world to see your knickers whilst driving a bike or sitting on the floor. Make-up is difficult because once people get used to your make-up face, they forget how you look without, which means you'll look rather bad. I want to treat myself with these things, and a treat is only effective if it's not a regular. Also I probably still put way too much thought in being judged by others. Bad move.

It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman just because right after pride & prejudice, my second favourite movie of all time is the matrix trilogy. Just because sometimes I get so annoyed by fellow females that I just need to watch an action movie, doesn't mean I do not love my gender. Only because I'm stubborn enough to try and do almost everything on my own and I hate to get help doesn't mean I can't accept it when I really need it. Finally, it doesn't make me less of a woman to be technical support to my dad, to my Uni friends and to my flatmates (who cannot even change a freaking light bulb on their own). It just makes me more of the woman I'd like myself to be. I have some manliness points for cliff jumping and watching the movie "300" but I'm pretty sure I lost them the moment I decided to never jump again or when I started painting my nails out of boredom while watching the movie. I can not replace any man ever ;)

Now there is one topic I'm purposely not going to talk about, that's the whole rape culture thing. That would be way more than I actually want to talk about. There is injustice towards women that's for sure, and as the person I am I have no right to judge that in any way. This post concentrates on stereotype that I think can be annoying, but in the end they do no actual harm.

As a cisgender heterosexual female I can say that some aspects of my gender help me whereas others set boundaries I don’t like. I’m lucky to be living in a world where it’s ok not to get married and have kids. I live in a world where a woman chases her goals, whatever they might be. Every human being on this planet is different, whether you have two X chromosomes, XY or something else. From Tomboys to Fashionistas, whatever floats your boat is what you should live, same applies of course for the males. Stereotypes and statistics do not determine a person. Society tries to but if you won’t let it, if you do you, then it stands no chance.

Thank God I’m a woman ;)

Cheerio. 

P.S If you want to hear a song about this topic that I love click this.

Writing is a lifestyle

I call myself a writer. I feel like I'm defining very well with just this one word. I might not be a good one yet, but my life is somewhat pulling me into that direction more and more so I might as well be prepared to get better. Since I really took up that attitude I've realized certain things that cannot be unseen about what being a writer means.

First of all I'm open to plot bunnies. Plot bunnies are things that you observe around you that give your imagination a boost. For example recently I've seen a little plot bunny in form of a woman in her thirties, with her hair tied together in a bun. What was special about that detail was that in order to hold together her hair she used a pen and a pencil instead of anything else. So you see, it is very good to have open eyes during your everyday life.

I also started to channel my emotions. That doesn't mean that I'm able to control them, instead I use what I feel. If I'm jealous I'll write myself a note why exactly, the setting, the people involved and I try to describe it. I do that in case I want to ever use a similar situation in a novel. Of course I should not see my own life relatable to everyone, but right now it is so much easier to just start with what I understand instead of finding a general context.

By now I use about anything to form a story, as long as it just triggers my mind. Last years NaNo novel was formed out of the combination of a nightmare I had three years ago and the name of a guy I meet at a camp. The guy himself did not leave that much of an impression though, it was just his name that made my creativity buzz.

To be honest sometimes I feel very awkward about the whole writing attitude. Like when I realize that my next story will be entirely inspired by a guy with whom I've only talked very briefly, or that my next female main character is a product of me trying to draw my male main character and failing. 

It is also inconvenient when you have to be anti social because you just need to write down your thoughts immediately so they don't get lost. For example I'm writing those lines right now, seated on a train. Next to me I have an old lady that is nearly deaf and I already had to repeat a train announcement in a shouting voice in order for her to understand even though I nearly missed it myself. On the other side there is another one that looks at me kind of angry because I seem to be one of these teenagers who just sit in front of their mobile phone the whole time, when all I do is writing this blog post.

All in all, I love it. I don't care how many people get annoyed with me whilst I write because it's one of the things I love doing the most. I'm happy to be an observer, a dreamer and sometimes a stalker, because it feels very "me" to do that. I hope that all of you reading have something that makes you look insane when all you do in fact is living your dream somehow.


Cheerio.