Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

Redefine yourself

I know I know, I constantly write about growing and getting better and becoming more than I am now. I write these posts because that topic will never grow old. It's important to never stop, to stay in motion your whole life. What that means concretely? I have no clue. I mean I don't even know about the person I'll be in a year’s time, how am I supposed to define personal change? That's not possible; all I can write about is hypothesis of possibility.

A lot of people see the New Year as a new beginning; they make goals and imagine what could happen in the next 365 days of this year. I kind of dislike this habit due to various reasons, one standing out especially. I think what you imagine your year to be in the first place will most of the time not correspondent with what has been going on the whole year round and that's just fine. How boring would life be if you could see the future? On the other hand marking where you are in the beginning of January and then looking at what you became by December seems useful in order to keep track of your changing self. Settling affairs in your mind and then getting them done feels quite brilliant.

 Anyways, here comes the reason why I'm not very fond of New Year’s resolutions. I remember back when I was about 14 years old we were told to write down some goals and put the result in an envelope. We were supposed to get them back by the end of the year, but surprisingly (*cough* Ilovemyunorganizedchurch *cough*) we only received them again a year and something late. So as a then sixteen year old I looked at my resolution and allowed myself a little laugh. If I had followed them I would've dropped out of high school as one of them was to choose math as a main subject. I mean I've got some talents, but maths definitely isn't one of them.

Ever since I banned myself from making yearly goals, because my imagination isn't capable to understand  what is possible in a year. This year however I was once again told to draft some possible outcomes and to be honest I'm not the person to leave a blank. On the other hand I know that writing down very specific thoughts would not help me in any way. So here it is, my resolution for 2014 is: to be like the lion from "the wizard of Oz".

That sounds like a perfect plan. I mean I'm not even that much familiar with this story, I know most of what I do from watching a certain episode of "Futurama" and reading the Wikipedia article. You see I’m very well educated by TV and internet. What I know is that the lion didn't have any courage and that he developed throughout the story. I like it because it's a literature based goal, also it's not very specific. At least it tackles one of my biggest fears, being afraid itself. In case you wonder, yes I'm so deep and philosophical that I'm scared of being scared. Oh the irony. 

There are an awful lot of scary and most of all challenging thing that might cross my path this year but I'll throw myself into the battle once more, trying to have some actual character growth, just like the lion does, so maybe in the end I might have more of a lioness than of the gazelle I resemble right now. I think that's a good goal for everybody.

Also what I'd like to emphasize is the importance of being persistent. I'm working on myself and that takes time, so to continue writing about it shows that I keep it in mind constantly. It actually probably never gets old, every once in a while I will tell myself to talk about it over and over again. The process never stops.

And before I forget, I'm also trying to get back into some sort of schedule. In my head there are so many good ideas, but such a lack of words. Not a very good thing for a blogger, yet something I can overcome. So see you soon, promise!

Cheerio.

Today I'm celebrating

Today is a good day. It is a good day even though I’m busy, I've spent most of my evening studying for my finals next week, even though I'm tired and my head hurts. It is good because even though this won't be a long post and the day is almost over, I still wanted to share some words with you. It has not only been a good day because I spent some time with a friend and I had some very good conversations, but because there are more things for me to celebrate than that. Today is a good day because it marks the anniversary of two very good and pleasant decisions I took.

Last year, on the 12/12/12 I did two things. First of all I created a YouTube account. At some point I got annoyed by checking daily if my favourite YouTubers did upload a new video, so making a subscription seemed the next step. Later I realized on which date I did it, which made me smile. Of course I did not plan on making videos anytime soon, I was way too intimidated by this new world that lied in front of me. No, I just created an account, but in the end it was that that enabled me to upload some videos and I'm genuinely just happy about having YouTube as a part of my life. Btw, if you wonder about new videos, I'll try my best to make one this weekend and I will fill you in very soon about that.

I mean just that would be enough to make me happy (yes, I'm easy to be pleased), but there is something else that happened a year ago on this day. I wrote my first post. Well technically it was not my first, and this blog excists since 2010, but I gave myself a fresh start on the 12th of december. Since then I have not only posted 50 posts, which means I almost made it to a weekly schedule (ok I cheated and left out some weeks and wrote more than one post in one week, but you know, life is busy), I also know that some people read my words on a regular basis and that makes me happy. I get encouraged about my writing, even though I'm aware just how far away my goals still are.

There are also other writing related things to celebrate. On the 15th of November I had two pleasant events in my life as a writer. I did not only win my 3rd NaNo, no, my site here also got its 1000th page view. In case you are wondering, yes I love checking my stats, and I also love dates. It just excites me.

So here we are, me the writer, you the reader. You might not be as excited as I am, or maybe you are. What I know is that you just read my words, which is a very enjoyable present for me. Let us celebrate the little things, the small pieces of happiness whirling around. Everyday there are things to be remembered, anniversaries to be thankful for, and today just happened to be a special happy day for me.

Basically here is to that, to more writing, more reading, more videos and more creating and creativity. I hope there are even bigger things to come for all of us

Cheerio.

What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.