Redefine yourself

I know I know, I constantly write about growing and getting better and becoming more than I am now. I write these posts because that topic will never grow old. It's important to never stop, to stay in motion your whole life. What that means concretely? I have no clue. I mean I don't even know about the person I'll be in a year’s time, how am I supposed to define personal change? That's not possible; all I can write about is hypothesis of possibility.

A lot of people see the New Year as a new beginning; they make goals and imagine what could happen in the next 365 days of this year. I kind of dislike this habit due to various reasons, one standing out especially. I think what you imagine your year to be in the first place will most of the time not correspondent with what has been going on the whole year round and that's just fine. How boring would life be if you could see the future? On the other hand marking where you are in the beginning of January and then looking at what you became by December seems useful in order to keep track of your changing self. Settling affairs in your mind and then getting them done feels quite brilliant.

 Anyways, here comes the reason why I'm not very fond of New Year’s resolutions. I remember back when I was about 14 years old we were told to write down some goals and put the result in an envelope. We were supposed to get them back by the end of the year, but surprisingly (*cough* Ilovemyunorganizedchurch *cough*) we only received them again a year and something late. So as a then sixteen year old I looked at my resolution and allowed myself a little laugh. If I had followed them I would've dropped out of high school as one of them was to choose math as a main subject. I mean I've got some talents, but maths definitely isn't one of them.

Ever since I banned myself from making yearly goals, because my imagination isn't capable to understand  what is possible in a year. This year however I was once again told to draft some possible outcomes and to be honest I'm not the person to leave a blank. On the other hand I know that writing down very specific thoughts would not help me in any way. So here it is, my resolution for 2014 is: to be like the lion from "the wizard of Oz".

That sounds like a perfect plan. I mean I'm not even that much familiar with this story, I know most of what I do from watching a certain episode of "Futurama" and reading the Wikipedia article. You see I’m very well educated by TV and internet. What I know is that the lion didn't have any courage and that he developed throughout the story. I like it because it's a literature based goal, also it's not very specific. At least it tackles one of my biggest fears, being afraid itself. In case you wonder, yes I'm so deep and philosophical that I'm scared of being scared. Oh the irony. 

There are an awful lot of scary and most of all challenging thing that might cross my path this year but I'll throw myself into the battle once more, trying to have some actual character growth, just like the lion does, so maybe in the end I might have more of a lioness than of the gazelle I resemble right now. I think that's a good goal for everybody.

Also what I'd like to emphasize is the importance of being persistent. I'm working on myself and that takes time, so to continue writing about it shows that I keep it in mind constantly. It actually probably never gets old, every once in a while I will tell myself to talk about it over and over again. The process never stops.

And before I forget, I'm also trying to get back into some sort of schedule. In my head there are so many good ideas, but such a lack of words. Not a very good thing for a blogger, yet something I can overcome. So see you soon, promise!

Cheerio.

Cheers to 2013, Hello 2014

I know, I know, I'm late to the whole year recap thing, but better late than never. Besides, we are on the first page of a 365 pages long new chapter and even though I mocked the idea of the calendar changing to be something important to a human life just yesterday, I can imagine it to be a good milestone to recollect past happenings and to re-evaluate ones life. To be honest sometimes I'm convinced that studying sociology is the best thing for me, considering how much I like to overanalyse things like New Year.

I'm not sure if I'm ever able to say: "This was my best year". Every year has had its ups and downs. I remember December 2012 was rough; I was pretty depressed and sad. One evening shortly before the year ended I remember crying my eyes out because I couldn't take it no more. What was it? Life in general. You see I started last year not in the best mood, and I continued it until halfway through February. Then the first step on my recovery happened, it was the day that I was offered the money to go on that mission trip that I talked about in an earlier post. It was something that didn't have to do with my problems considering finding a job and a flat for college, but it was a sign that everything might turn out just alright somehow.

I recently checked through my diary and read the things I wrote last year. I couldn't help but smile. In march I wrote that I finally felt like I was on the upgrade as I had found a job and about two weeks later I was approached by my youth pastor and asked if I wanted to become a youth group leader. Of course I also like March because it was my birthday and finally because I filmed my first ever YouTube video in the middle of the month. It was pretty awesome.

In April I started working, which was tiring but I was so happy to be finally doing something again. Also I actually became a youth group leader. May and June were month when nothing very spectacular happened, at least nothing that is really worth to be mentioned. July I only remember having to work more, being exhausted and also preparing for Mallorca. Also throughout this time I was tutoring a friend of mine in English which was something that I quite liked. Last but not least I found a flat, even though I was very sceptical about that, but it didn't end up quite as bad. 

August was Mallorca, which definitely marks the highlight of my year. The best part about it? I'm coming back this year! During this time I also grew back closer to a friend who I wasn't that close anymore before. September meant moving out and starting University. A huge step for me, a real adventure but a good one. 

My favourite about October definitely was going to Germany in order to visit the people I met in Mallorca. That was another adventure. I went there with the friend I grew closer again, but I wanted to meet someone from Stuttgart before heading over to Karlsruhe, so it was my first time going to a foreign country on my own and it was also the first time to organize a travel. I know it's nothing huge, but for me it meant quite something. It showed to me once more that I want to keep crossing my own boundaries and get past the things I know. That adventure included being a total minority, seeing dear friends and even going to visit a prison. Pretty cool.

November was challenging. I did my first "preach" in front of my youth group which made me very nervous. I'm not very good with standing in front of people, but I aim to be, so I'm not afraid to work on that. I'm pretty ok with how it went in the end. Besides there was NaNoWriMo, and busy weekends in general as everything seemed to be crammed into the last two month of the year.

December was rough, family drama deluxe, studying for finals, Christmas, and New Year. I struggled again but I told myself to keep looking on the bright spots, the support of my friends, the dance we had at our church and the fact that I survived my first semester and that I could take a break again. The past few days were chaotic but alright in the end. 

After some shenanigans on Sunday I found my eyes to feel rather sore which turned out to be an eye infection. The problem was that I had promised to co-host my church's New Years Eve party and that we had nothing planned. After going to the doctor yesterday he gave me an ok to go, but sadly the other co-host was sick. So yesterday included running to the doctor's, calling a friend very humbly to ask if he would co-host with me (which to my utter surprise he agreed to do), helping to set up the decoration, planning somewhat of a program to entertain the crowd for a while, hosting and besides, trying not to infect anyone and finally actually enjoying myself within that chaos. It all worked out, probably largely because said friend not only stepped in as co-host, but also as technician filling the gap that a sick organiser leaves behind. Even though he does not read my blog, a massive thank you once again. Good to know I have friends that I can spontaneously count on.

To be fair that is not even close to what went on during this year, but all that I thought to be important enough to mention. The year in general was filled with friends, laughter, beautiful and unforgettable moments and as I said, ups and downs. I can't wait for all the exciting new things that 2014 will bring the adventures and the challenges. It better be great!

Cheerio.