The sound of a heart

I always liked music. That is definitely true. The thing about me saying I like it implies though, that I don't love it. I can do well without it. Even "Christian music" or worship music. It's just not as important for me as it seems to be for others. I played the flute for almost ten years, tried to teach myself guitar, sung in various choirs. Music is fine, really, just not everything. Still there are moments and songs in my head that are inseparable. 

I remember being sixteen on a night train to Barcelona. The story sounds way more interesting told this way. We went there do the second part of our class exchange program that we had with a school in Alicante. So we sat there, thirteen teenagers squished in a railway compartment that was build for four people. It was hot, there was no space. We were drinking, listening to music, being the teenagers we were. Next to me sat my crush, a guy who should later, starting with that week, slowly become my best friend. He had smuggled a bottle of Jägermeister into the train. I tried a bit; to my utter surprise I liked it. He laughed at me and I guess my heart kind of stopped that moment. Then a song came on. "Behind blue eyes". We both have blue eyes and I blurted out without thinking that I really liked that song. It spoke about pain you hide, and I think all people who remember their teenage years know how it is to hide at least a little pain. So we kind of started to chat about music, figuring out that we both cared more for lyrics than for tunes. We connected somehow.

Later that night I sat next to another guy after having changed the compartment to the one my friends and I slept in (the "neighbours" were nicer there). Again, I spoke about music, this time about that kind, that is heavily bass, drums and guitar infused. I got introduced to some bands I still listen to and to the kind of music called nu metal. I never liked the screamo, so this fit me.

I hardly ever spoke to the boys in my class to this point. I did not have any male friends to be honest, so just chatting with them was odd for me. That's why probably the topic stuck so much. Sometimes I still smile at that person I was. Today I feel totally comfortable and at ease around guys. Sixteen year old self could not know.

There is another song that was some sort of life changing to me. It was a day after my fourteenth birthday, Good Friday. We went to a camp in the morning, in the evening we had the usual christian camp thing, someone talking about the bible, worship, etc. I can't really remember how it went, it is kind of blurry, but throughout the evening I decided to become a Christian, to follow Jesus. Somehow linked to that is a German song. I don't know what it was; it just made me understand all those things I couldn't before. The thing with that song is, it's not one we sing at church. Sometimes they do sing it at big gatherings though, like the camp I was between Christmas and new years. I don't listen to it throughout the year as it is really dear to me and I don't want it to lose its magic. Why is it so special? My body reacts to it very much. All of a sudden I feel like that fourteen year old girl again, it is like newly enamoured, but instead of some stupid boy, I feel enamoured of God. I have weak knees, I start to cry, I am shaky, and butterflies are in my tummy. I wouldn't want it to happen randomly, but to have that feeling every once in a while is glorious, it grounds me and reminds me that fourteen year old me was able to decided bloody wisely.

In general, I think if there was a particular music playing during important moments of your life, then those songs will stick with you. I have a song stuck in my head almost every day, which is just kind of part of my life. I once even wrote that music is the background of life. It has no main character qualities for me, but it can enhance the bigger picture of a situation. 

The next story is terribly cheesy. I said when I was sixteen I was in Spain with my class. The second day after we went there, the whole group went to go to a theme park close to Alicante. Most of the day we spend as a group together. I have to admit that I am terribly afraid of rides, still I went on all, except two (one looked scarier than I could take, the other was a free fall thing, not fond of them). Sometime in the afternoon the guy I talked about earlier got kind of bored. Most of the group wanted to see a show whilst he wanted to go on more rides. Crushing on someone makes you do stupid things, so I said I would join him. The two of us left the group and we went on all the rides we wanted. I did not care much about my fears, I just went along, which was odd for me. Especially when I say it once more that I had no male friends at that time. One on one with a guy I felt very insecure. We knew when the show was over, so we went to await the others at the main gate. We were exhausted so we sat down, out of a speaker there played some music. All of a sudden a song came on by Céline Dion. I was surprised that I recognized it, as I only downloaded it the week before going to Spain. It was a terribly itchy cheesy song, but for my current situation very fitting. So I sat there, enjoying the irony of a song describing my exact emotions, not saying a word about them. Then the group came back and the moment was over. 

Right now, as I have Spotify on shuffle, the song Hosanna came on, another one of my all time favourites. I remember a time where I could not bear to listen to Christian music. I didn't feel like praising God, so I thought that I was lying when I listened to those songs nevertheless. The only song I didn't skip on my mp3 was this. 

I mentioned earlier that I care about lyrics more than I do care about tunes. I really do, especially when I find that the singer does not represent the words of the song correctly. I have spent hours searching for covers of songs, until in my head the voice and lyrics aligned. I also refuse to listen to any music I don't understand the lyrics off. With the exception of some party tunes due to nostalgia I mostly listen to songs that I at least some sort of agree with the lyrics with. If you want to go on my nerves start blasting Pitbull with "whistleblower" or "wiggle", that'll do. Or sing "take me to church" as a friend of mine has been doing recently. I prefer not having those stuck in my head, thank you.

A lot of people I know care so much about music. Some songs have carried me through a lot, and the past two weeks I have been listening to worship music more than usually, due to reasons I might explain later. Still, I know that I feel way better when stuck with words, written words, black on white. A tune can carry an emotion much easier than a word, music is universal. Maybe that's why I'm more impressed with the other, as you are limited by language. How to express something like an emotion with words? It does make less sense than expressing it by a melody. Also, have you ever heard of songs that carry a story? I love those!

To be honest I just assume that I have a very unpopular opinion on music. I know so many people who care about it beyond all measures, that go to oh so many concerts in their life, that pay lots of money for it and kind of just crazy. I can't really understand that. I use it as a means to an end when I study for something or write on a paper. Sometimes I also just relax to it, but that is a rare occurrence. I have cried cause of songs, laughed, I felt emotions due to some, but that does not change how I feel about it in general. Yes, songs have me inspired to write before, as they will continue but music does not mean everything to me and that is just the way it is, which works out fine for me. Music is not the voice my heart speaks.e I'm quite happy that I don't have to be passionate about it, just imagine how boring that would be. I'll stick with my crappy writing.

Cheerio.

On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

Hello Goodbye

Over the past couple of years I have accomplished to life with the fact that sometimes I get extremely awkward. I don't consider that as something special, because I know that a lot of people get to know that feeling at one point or another. One thing that usually makes me quite uncomfortable is in fact a very small detail, but I've always been very good at over analyzing so enjoy reading along. Let me introduce you to the difficulty of saying "Hello" & "Goodbye". 

I don't mean the general shouts in a crowded room, no I mean actual face to face welcome style "Hellos". Basically in my life there are five general kinds of how to get that done around. The most common is "the handshake" It's appropriate when you meet someone for the first time, if you want to reduce intimacy of any kind and you might even express a little discomfort towards a person through this medium. It's also important for less close relationships like business related things. In case of insecurity always go for a handshake and you can do almost nothing wrong, at least in western civilisation.

In certain situation it might feel uncomfortable though. When I meet a person around my age I consider a handshake to be too formal. Also when I'm meeting friends and I don't want to really interrupt them I need something different to get their attention. There "the wave" is great. People can decide to acknowledge your move and welcome you properly or they can just look past it. It's also very useful to make a general statement instead of having to walk up to each person individually. To be honest I guess "the wave" is my go to move as it's very nonchalant to use.

A third thing is "the clap'n shake". I know that one mostly from the guys at our church. It's less formal than a handshake, a little friendlier and more personal. It means first you clap your hand together and with a smooth movement you switch into a short handshake. Troubles included in that one is a bad clap and confusion by the person not knowing that you initially wanted to do that move. It's pretty handy though and I fully understand why the guys use it a lot.

My former enemy and now best friend is "the hug" though. I used to seriously hate hugging certain people as I didn't like getting touched in general. Over the time I learned that some of my friends are veery good huggers though and I also understood the general meaning of a hug. You can put in a lot of warmth, sincerity and care into that move and it shows a lot of positive feelings. I am a hugger but I'll never forget that I wasn't always so I can respect other people's boundaries when they feel not comfortable with that one.

And last (but also least) is the freaking awkward 2-3 kisses on the cheek thing. Yes I have a biased opinion on it and you might've guessed that it's not positive. I do not understand it; usually it's just rubbing your cheek against another and making kissing sounds. Why is that even a thing? It doesn't mean anything and it feels odd. Actually that is the reason why I write this post. At my Uni we have this bible study group and for some reason they've used this method to greet each other. So far I've managed to escape it by using "the wave" and settle things as soon as I enter but not today. So I awkwardly held out my hand and totally confused this one guy, which internally made me laugh a lot. I mean those cheek kisses with a girl is doable, with a guy I dislike and with a bearded guy I hate, I am sorry.

Oh and on the subject of seriously awkward, did it ever happen to you that you wanted to hug someone whereas they aimed for a handshake? Or maybe the other way around, who knows. And please do not let me get started on the troubles one can get across while hugging, like stroking alongside someone’s face and hitting someone while stretching out to give a proper hug, really terrible stories, believe me. Oh and let's not forget when you accidentally missed to bid someone welcome the right way and that person got disappointed or sad?  Which reminds me of that one person who seems to do that a lot towards me lately, how rude ;)
 
So you see, I am completely nuts, but what do you except of a sleepless person at quarter past three in the morning. Maybe I should get more sleep instead of thinking so much about lavalieres.

Cheerio.