On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: third episode

We made it to the final instalment of this series, as today is actually valentine’s day. As I said before, even if I was in a relationship right now I would not actually be doing anything else today as I’m doing anyway. I was reminded by a friend yesterday that this day was mostly pushed by the industries in order to make more money. I know that and obviously you should celebrate love every day, not just once a year. I hope we’re clear now? Well then, off to today’s topic

We had flirting, we had dating, and the most obvious conclusion for this trio would be talking about relationships. My problem with that is the fact that I have zero personal experience with that. To top I think I could even admit that the past few month I’ve even been a very happy single. I don’t see the point in fixing myself on one person at this stage of my life. I’m free, I have two regular jobs, live at two places, have different circles of friends and all in all, there are not much boundaries that I have left. If I had a boyfriend then I would have to take time for him. I usually try to keep up with my friends, but being in a relationship means being exclusive, having some obligations. Plus I doubt that I have met the right guy yet.

Apart from lacking the urge to tie myself to some random dude I’m still secretly an expert with relationships. That’s something that is actually quite common, people with low experience but with somewhat of a natural understanding giving relationship advice to others. Don’t ask me why. Most of my knowledge is out of reading way too many books. You get a lot of love stories in almost every book, huge varieties of situations, different couples. Also it helps to talk with people, older ones, younger ones, people who have had a relationship that failed, people who go strong for a while... It’s not that hard to figure some points out.

The first real I was thought about guys by my parents was: never start a relationship if you could not imagine marring that person in the long run. Keep everything in perspective. I’m totally against too much pressure, especially in the beginning as this phase should be enjoyed by the couple; on the other hand it’s crucial to be aware where exactly you stand. There was enough insecurity when both people had not yet confessed their feelings. After all, to be genuinely open is very important. It’s not about picking a fight every time your significant other makes a little move that annoys you, but if you’re constantly unhappy, if it’s something that bothers you every time it happens then it’s probably best to just speak it out as soon as possible.

The third point is that while it is important for you to spend time together, you also should not forget about your friends. It’s very likely that forgetting the first will not happen so easily, I have seen enough people who happen to lose every little bit of focus as soon as their “other half” walks in. What I’ve seen and heared about a lot though is that people forget to find room in their agenda for people who are not that one person. Of course enjoy the pink bubble your in, but if everything falls apart, which has happened before and will happen again, then you need to be sure to have people that pick you up from the ground. I have lost a dear friend to a guy who forbid her to meet me and her other close friends, due to a misunderstanding. Even when I apologizes, ceveral times, he ignored it. That was the moment when I promised myself never to let that happen to me and about three girls around me have the official allowance to slap me if I forget about that ;)

Finally the forth advice: Enjoy it. There is a saying that goes; love as if you’ve never been hurt. I think when most of us grow up we lose our hearts once or twice, maybe more. As far as I know that does not end well in many cases. It’s ok to get ones heart broken, but you should never allow yourself to break too. Don’t get cold heated, it would be a loss to the world.

I think, unlike the “holiday” that tries to celebrate it generally, that love is great. Celebrate it every day, find a date that is special to just the two of you instead of focusing on the world and what you have to do after what society says. Love is unique and not to be put in a box of chocolate!

I hope you have a lovely day, embrace singlehood or celebrate your partner, it’s probably where you are supposed to be right now.

Cheerio.

Love is in the air...

Before you even start thinking about it: no, I'm not going to confess my undying love towards someone in this post. If you expected that, then you are more than welcome in the queue of people around me who think I need a boyfriend. It's more of a fact, as spring is now finally happening here, some people get all twitterpated.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that single women of a certain age must be in want of a guy in her life". Ok, I'm sorry to edit Jane Austen a bit here, but honestly? What she said back then and what I'm experiencing right now is a bit similar. Of course I'm not an old maid or anything, but there are already people out there commenting on me being single, why ever. Since about the age of thirteen, when every girl I knew started to "like" boys, I had my crushes too. Not because I was forced, my feelings were sincere, but even back then, I made some decisions others didn't make. When my female friends started to actually get to know those guys better, when they started dating, the gap between them and me started growing. I completely missed the point of dating someone that young, as I wanted to have a serious relationship. I was taught not to date a guy that I couldn't at least imagine me marring later. I knew that I was too sensitive as to just try something out; I just didn't want to be hurt. So whenever we talked about guys I just told them who I fancied that time, but always told them that there wouldn't be more between us. At some point they then tried to convince me different, or the tried to pair me up with someone, which I absolutely disliked.

At first this was just a school thing, as my friends there didn't understand what I meant with a stable relationship and the whole marriage-is-important-thing. At church they understood what I meant, they even approved of it. But you know what, just because you are attending a church the rumours won't stop. It's not about being over curious or even mean, it's just a natural thing that people care about such stuff. So let's get to the reason why I'm writing this today, about both, church and non-church friends that mean too well for you.

I've seen some of my friends starting relationship over the past year and that makes me really happy for them. There is just one thing which is sometimes very annoying. As soon as they are happy, they want you to be as happy as they are. Of course this is lovely and nice, but what they don't consider is the possibility that you might be alright in the situation you are right now. I'd like to be in a relationship at some point, but right now I see no need for that, I am happy exactly where I am, and how I am.

So a couple of weeks ago I was at a friend's birthday party. I got there by bus and in the bus there was a male friend of mine. Of course we started chatting and eventually we arrived there together, what a surprise. I didn't know my friend's parents, so when I and that guy got there together, the mother instantly thought of us as a couple. I managed to figure that out and to clear up any misunderstandings. That wasn't the end of course. I then started talking with another male friend, who is happily in a relationship, and we talked about that topic again. He then told me that he suspected something between me and someone else. I then thought about the shared friends we had and was eventually able to figure out myself who he meant. Yes, you definitely fancy every guy you talk to on some kind of regular basis, because that's how it just is. My evening was completed when a third guy, also in a relationship started to randomly drop names and check my reaction for any interests. Yes, thank you, I can't decide myself who I fancy, I definitly need your help man.

All of this might come across a bit sarcastic, but to be clear, I'm honestly entertained by this. I just recently had an hour long conversation with a female friend about a guy, because she really wants to see us together and there is no way that will ever happen. Of course I played along, because sometimes people won't be stopped until they had what they wanted, or they said it. Yes it was very funny and all, but none of it could be taken seriously. If it's just between me and friends, and the guy we are talking about isn't involved somehow, then it's all fun and games, but don't you dare bring up this topic when they are around. Don't make my friendships awkward in any kind of way, or I'll get angry. We can joke around forever, but when it comes to real relationship, then I can handle it myself. Of course there is one exception, meaning that whatever guy has actually caught my interest, has a role too. Everybody else is politely asked not to put one's nose in other people's business. Thank you sincerely.

Cheerio.