Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.

defining your own freedom

 Next week I'm turning twenty years old. For some reason that sounds even scarier than turning eighteen was. I mean of course that's the age when you become an adult, you get to vote, you pay taxes and whatnot but in the end most of us were still very much kids when we got there and it was ok that way. Maybe you were about to graduate high school, you might've made plans to travel a bit, or your job training was about to be completed. Whatever it was, your life still had this unimaginable amount of possibilities open for you.

 There is something about being a teenager that means freedom. Maybe it's the lack of better knowledge or the fact that those hormonal beasts just can't be controlled anyway, but there are many roads open. You're free to choose what you want to study; you can never ever travel as easy as you can do now, the world lies beneath your feet. Yes you can still do lots of things in your twenties, especially when there is no hurry to have kids, but you have to be the right person for it. A traveller is easy going, adventurous. I have heard enough stories of friends who went to Australia during their gap year, whilst I sat on my couch in front of a laptop watching YouTube videos.

 Now I feel like the responsible side of my brain has taken over. I work, I go to Uni, I study, I go to church and youth group. It's somewhat monotone. The problem is I just recently discovered how much I adore not being tied to a normal life, how much I actually crave for freedom and the feeling of no strings attached. I thought that having found my place was what I needed. Having roots is a good thing and essential, but living in a golden cage would be torture to me as I seem to be having a rather free spirit.

 So much has had me thinking recently. Once again I look at my life and even though I'm not doing as poorly as I did a year ago, there is definitely more that I still want to do, so much things left to learn. I have a list of places that I want to see, some are not even that far away, but I just don't take the money and time and to actually move my lazy bum there. I'm also evaluating my own short- and long-term goals. There is a lot of faith in me that there is a plan for my life, maybe not for every little instant but for the bigger things. Am I right now doing whatever I can to get there, to achieve those goals? Am I wasting my time when I'm supposed to be doing something entirely different? It's quite hard to distinguish what I should do when. When is a time for quitting, when to endure? I have not a single clue; all I can is to try to make the best of it.

 So far I have not been such a person who wanted to escape normality by whatever cost it may take, but slowly I begin to realise how much the thought of that monotony appals me. How to evade it whilst still being a working part of society? I'm not one to drop out just like that, nor am I one to be pioneering and to make revolutions. I can't just quit my job because first of all it's a good one and I've had it worse. I kind of don't want to quit youth group because it's something that is dear to me, even when it's not always easy. I can't quit church because it's also a place where I experience some of the freedom I look for, though it's also the place that makes me feel restricted so much. Finally I can't quit Uni because even though for a short time that would make me very happy, it's not a good long-time decision. Maybe someday this stupid piece of paper that is a degree will be of a use. I even considered stopping to write this blog because I have not been happy with my online content recently. What am I even talking about? I just know that there is no quitting here, I just need to keep going. Sometimes feelings are tricky, mine usually leave the consequences to a future self instead of considering them in the first place, so I need to find a way to trick them.

 Yes, I realize where my main troubles lie, but as I said, knowing what to do next in life is quite a challenge. Where do I have to make cuts in order to refind happiness and to feel a little more liberated than I am right now? Is freedom something that is on my agenda right now?

 I don't know, that's just what went round and round in my head the past month. In the end I'm sure of two things: That once I'm at the finish line of my life I will look back and see how everything turned out just right. This means that in this very instant, I’m doing just fine even though I might struggle with it. The other thing is that finding out what that means exactly is the work and the adventure of a lifetime. No one is ever ahead of their life, everybody is in constant evaluation and recreation, you find your very on path and that's what life is about.

Cheerio.

Deadline? More like Lifeline!

Two things I see as given in my life, firstly I try to be as punctual as possible, secondly I'm terribly chaotic. So when you mix both of these together you get a person with an absolute need for pressure in order to finish something. If there is no due date then I'll probably procrastinate until either I run out of more irrelevant things to do or when pigs actually start to fly.

Here, have an example. I told you about this presentation I had in my last post. I actually wrote it the night before, making the PowerPoint presentation the very same day I had to stand in front of my class and talk about it. I tried to start earlier, but couldn't squeeze one mildly intelligent word out of my brains. Besides, you know what? The lecturer told me actually that I was rather good. Of course it wasn't perfect, but I never expected it to be anyway.

Another situation on which I realized that not everyone can actually withstand the tension* of last minute entries was when I wrote this big paper during my final year of school. I had all the information gathered but I was only able to write on it about four weeks before I had to hand it in, which considering the amount of time we had, was very little. Even my teacher made a remark on it saying he was slightly worried and admitting that he had no reason to. That also was the moment my mum could finally accept that I work in my own pace.

They even talk about this whole issue in the bible, I mean hello? What I'm talking about is written in Ecclesiastes and to be honest, that's part of the reason why this book is my favourite. Just read the verse and you might understand me. "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."  [Eccl. 3:1; KJV]. I just feel like this sentence gets my way of thinking. It's not about pushing it off mindlessly, it's about doing it when you are ready, when the idea is ripe to become real.

That's also the reason why I try my hardest to keep a weekly schedule up, even when weekly isn't determined with a certain day. When I loosen up too much then I might quit, which is the last thing I want to do right now.

Finally this whole schedule thing gets more and more important as NaNo approaches fast. I think next week you'll hear more about it, as I want to introduce this fabulous project to all of you. The fact that you just have to get the right amount of words during November is the best push I can get. I don't want to see myself loosing, especially since I have won the past two years, of which the first my schedule was about to burst due to all the things I was involved. I'm pumped for it and almost set to go. On the other hand I need to have my time organized well or I might end up neglecting either school, writing or my social life, which I want to prevent from happening!

To sum this up, schedules and deadlines keep me motivated and help me organise, even though what I'm doing might look like a mess to orderly people. I simply flourish under pressure. They also provide me with good products instead of just some lightly planed bits and bobs, as last minute execution leaves way more time and room for good planning beforehand. It's probably best that everyone has their own way of dealing with their own time.

Cheerio.


* I am sorry, insider alert ;)

Nine out of eight voices in my head tell me I'm bad at maths...

...the 10th hums the melody of Tetris. This post won't be about my inability to do math tough, but more about the voices that I hear constantly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that insane, it's just the easiest way to describe what I mean. Basically it’s about your thoughts, but as they are a difficult concept to describe and understand I prefer to explain it a bit more differently.

Some examples of inner voices are languages. I once had a discussion with a friend of mine who is Finnish. We are communicating in English and given the fact that it's not our mother tongue I asked her how she thinks she is able to talk and write English, especially since grammar can be a bit tricky. We both agreed that we just know it's correct, without having to think about it. Actually right now as I'm writing that, I hear a "voice". I'm not thinking what I'll be writing in German first and then translate it, I form a sentence in English straight away. 

I'm not sure if you were able to actually follow that my thoughts where here, so I try another example. When you read something then your brain translates the letters into a sound in your head. You are able to understand what those signs mean because you learned to decipher them and because you know how they sound like you understand the meaning. At least that’s how I understand it, except if you are deaf, in which case I have no idea.

Of course that wasn't all. I also hear other voices, like my sarcastic voice. Basically that's the part of me that is responsible for me not taking things too seriously. Sometimes I just need to laugh at the comedy that is my life, or I need to tell myself that what is bugging me is just a so called "first world problem" in order to maintain a good mood, and it really helps. 

Oh and are you a person that has fake conversation in their head all the time too? Whenever I have a spare moment my mind just comes up with things I should tell a person when I see him/her next. Even worse is it when I remember a conversation I already had and suddenly there is this perfect answer that I didn't have when I needed it. 

Now those examples were all about useful things, but there is also my inner pessimist. That is the reason for me having nights where I can't sleep because I'm worried, it brings me down and makes me believe that I'll never achieve anything. Hearing this voice is not very funny, and the worst is that it's the sneakiest of them all. Before I realize what's going on I'm already very close to panicking, just because of my own thoughts.

I suppose those were the most important voices I know. I also made a video that is a bit related to that topic a few weeks ago, I'll post it further down. If you think that I'm crazy now then you missed the point (but you are still completely correct xD). That was it for this week.

Cheerio.

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optimizing update (Yes I'm making these a thing): I went jogging four times so far, it still kills me but you gotta do what you gotta do. Also I think I discovered my inner bootcamp voice, and she is a freaking kick ass.
I  bought myself a nice skirt which I'll hopefully be wearing at some point and I found a flat, (that I might be sharing with three guys if I'm not lucky enough that a girl gets the last free room). So everything is going well and I'm still working on my self a lot.