Late night thoughts

Today I woke up at 4 am, out of nowhere. I could still feel sleep lingering somewhere in my head, but in that moment I knew that I wouldn't get more of it straight away. It's not a good sign to just wake up that early, I need a certain amount of sleep to maintain happy thoughts and to keep myself positive. When I wake up around this time, I start to think about my life and that at then it usually seems as if my optimism hasn't woken up yet. I'm just not able to see any good in a given situation then, my worries become huge and I'm overwhelmed. On the other hand I didn't want to get up, because that would've meant a serious lack of sleep and that's something I try to avoid as much as possible. To try to calm myself down I started to write the thoughts that I had into this post, because I didn't see any reason not to write about my fears and worries, as they are a part of me. Just be warned, if you are an easy target for negativism, then keep out today. So, here is what was going on:

The first thing I worried about was finding a flat. In my life there is always one main issue and right now, it's the shared-flat problem. I've now visited about seven flats, usually that's when people have found one, but of course not me. That lead me to think of what you all need to find in life. The perfect flat, a good job, friends, a significant other... There are loads and loads of decisions to make and that can be overwhelming and scary. Other decisions were already made by me, what if they were wrong? How do other people manage to survive the pressure of just being alive? Do they even feel the weight, do they think about the little decisions they take on a daily basis that are defining their lifestyle? I then went deeper into some topics.

Right now I'm working as a cleaning woman at a hospital, when I'm done I'll have worked there for five months. Other women are working there for ten, or even twenty years. I could never do this job for that amount of time; I cannot even imagine doing the same thing for three years. Doesn't life get boring and everything becomes bland? How does one be happy with only five weeks of holidays per year? Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm just too young or to inexperienced, but I just don't understand. What do you do when you can't find a job? I tried for six month, but my parents kept my back. When you are older and you can't find anything, what do you do then? 

As I seem to be surrounded by couples lately I also am thinking a lot about guys these days, as you might've noticed in my past couple of posts. I can't help it, but most of the time I just can't see myself with someone else. How do you manage that the other person doesn't annoy you, or vise versa? I'm not so difficult to be friends with, but I think I'd be an annoying girlfriend, don't ask me why. Also I started to wonder how I would tell my parents if I ever had a boyfriend, how I would tell my friends. At this point just the situation seems incredibly ridiculous. 
What about later, at some point I might get married, have kids. Did you see the world we have around us? You know what could happen to those poor little creatures. Or what if my husband changed as much as my Dad did? What if I changed completely? I said being optimistic requires energy that I don't have in the morning, so I'm not always putting myself down as much.

The last thing I worried about was the whole growing up, going to University, having to find new friends problem. To this day I never really had troubles finding friends, I need some time to adjust but then it's not that hard. Still I worry a lot about that. What would the whole Uni experience be without the people around you? In my head not very funny. What will happen after Uni? I did not even start and I'm already afraid of it ending that is just crazy. 

At some point around 5 am I fell asleep again, but I really hate having all my fears building up that much in front of my eyes. The good thing is, life doesn't stop because of my fears, it goes on. As I had to get up at around eight, the shadows of the past night had vanished back to where they belong, the far ends of my brains, and I could go on as usual, at least more or less. During the day I finally remembered a song that goes hand in hand with my experience. I'm posting a cover version made by kickthepj below (I prefer it to the original one).

Cheerio.

We were made to be courageous

The title up here is the first line of a song that inspired me a lot lately. I'm happier now than I used to be some month ago, but I still struggle with myself and others from time to time. It happens that this song plays on my mp3 player whenever I need it. The song is called courageous by casting crowns and as far as I know it was written for a movie with the same name. In this post I want to talk about courage, and what it may mean if you try to be fierce. In between I might add some lyrics, because the song was my inspiration.

"We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains"

This is something that is huge around me. We all want to be part of a special generation, we want to see a revolution. Most of the people around me, no matter which background they come from, are looking for a better world and a brighter tomorrow. We are not the only ones. Isn't it part of a youth's destiny to not accept injustice around us, the will to be rebel? I guess so, but as every generation before us I hope we do something with the energy given to us. Let's be courageous.

"The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands"

Those words are truly powerful. And to be honest, it was this line that came to my mind yesterday evening. This is a Christian song, so they talk about standing before God and doing his will. There is no way we can stand straight before the king of the universe. If you ever understand what a relationship to God means, the power that comes with it, you might understand. Until then, be courageous for other reasons, don't let fear hinder you to do anything.

"We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside"

Again, no matter what you believe in, be passionate about it. Not in a negative, destructive way, but in an open style. Try to motivate others, let them see what your heart cries for. There is a song line by mumford and sons that says: "where you invest your love, you invest your life". So if you only have one life, then take it and make something great.

"Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more"


"We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall"

"May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise"

I guess three days ago those three lines where the ones that made me a little disappointed. It's not only man that can be courageous, courage isn't a limited thing, but as we grow older we learn. I've learned yesterday that a woman can be strong, and she should be, but for a man it's more important. Those lines are supposed to those men of courage who were made for so much more, and they should hear it. I can take my lines, but there are at least as many guys who don't know there value as there are girls, but not a lot of people see it. Plus you know what? I hope to maybe find such a strong guy for myself too, one day.
Let's end this on another line, the final one of the song:

"We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous"
 
Cheerio.

Train thoughts

So I'm currently comfortably sitting in a train, and to be honest that's something I love. I love living where I do, but traveling gives me a sense of liberation, even if I don't go that far. I like observing what's going on outside of the window, I enjoy glimpsing just seconds of other people's lives. Also most of the time I ride trains I'm on my own. It's different when I'm with friends, but by myself I feel that sensation again that I tried to explain last time.

I never get on a train unprepared. My iPod is charged, my phone ready to take pictures, I have water and food and last but not least, a good book in my bag. The book is probably the most important. By having it with me I make sure that I'll always relate to that story as a train story. In my head there will be the link between the story and the journey I made. That helps me feel even more comfortable in trains than I do anyway.

Another thing that is great about sitting in a train are the conversation you might have. Usually when a train conversation takes place then it's with a lovely elderly person. Honestly I'm not the one to start a conversation anyway, but I'm always ready to engage myself in one when the person next to me starts it. That's not all though. I remember twice that I was sitting in a train and eavesdropped a conversation between others. A train is a public place and they were talking normally so there was no reason for me to feel bad. I can still remember what people said in both situations because it was just way to interesting to be missed. In the mean time I'm aware of how often people might've listened to me when I had a talk with someone, so it's about even.

Right now I have a good view on a guy sleeping. That is something I'll probably never understand. When I went to Spain a couple of years ago we went there by night train. The movement made it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep. Moreover I refuse to nap in a public place because you never know what you do whilst being asleep.

I only fear one thing right now. Next year I'll be riding a train every week, to get from where I'll be studying to where I live now. Will trainjourneys loose their magic then? Will they eventually become normal, and even worse, boring? I really don't hope so. I'll do my best to prevent that from happening!
So now I need back to enjoying my journey instead of watching my screen all the time. See you later guys.

Cheerio

Just get lost!

I'm very shy. People who know me a little better might know that shy is the wrong word for it, that it's a bit more complicated. Basically when I'm in my group of friends, then I'm perfectly fine, I just adjust to them and it’s ok. As soon as I have to do something alone, where I don't have nobody’s lead to follow, I get a little lost. That is something I'm working on, I want to be my own boss, I want to become independent, and I know that I can make it. Right now, I'm not. So if I decide now to actually do things alone, then it needs a lot of courage and also effort for it to happen, but I'm fighting my way there.

So a couple of days ago I had a day off of work. The first thing I did was sleep in, as I really needed some kind of break. Around 1 pm I realized that just lingering around in my jim-jams all day wouldn't be enough, even though usually that's my perfect thing to do on such a day. I then decided to take my bike and go to an electric store a bit away from where I'm living because my brother had an unused gift card and I wanted to get a better memory card for my camera. Before I left the house I already felt that it wouldn't be done with just driving there and then go back, I wanted to do some exploring too. 

Now think of it, I live in a rather small city, and I've been living there for twelve years. There aren't that many places left that I don't know like the back of my hand, but I wanted to find one. The last time I felt so strangely melancholic was when I managed to nearly get lost in the forest near my house. I have a good sense of orientation, but at some point I decided to leave the path and to find a way through the scrub. In the end I got out exactly where I thought I would, but to get there was a little adventure, in a save environment. I wanted to do that again.

What I did first was to put in my earphones and to turn of the music. That really helped me to get even more in the mood. Then I asked myself what place I didn't know that well and that I now wanted to see. I saw in my head a picture a friend once posted on Facebook and I knew roughly how to get there. It was even close to the electric store, so the decision was an easy one. It's on the same lake as the city, but separated by a peninsula. I did not even think of it but it happened naturally that I followed the street along the lake to get back to the city, instead of taking the direct way. It went up and down, and it took me about two hours, but in the end I got back. Throughout all of this I knew more or less where I was, but I'd never visited this place before. I was out, on my own, following my strange melancholy to some very beautiful places along my ride. 

When I was back in the city, everything was too loud and too fast. I wasn't out that long, but I felt so calm inside that even those things were disturbing my mood. It was all in all really surreal, but it felt so good. Of course you might wonder why I even shared that, but I've learned to appreciate little moments of happiness, and I was truly happy that day and I was satisfied with having followed my emotions. Just a normal day for everybody else...

Cheerio.