On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

What do you want to do when you grow up

This question we all got asked hundreds and hundreds of times growing up. Last Wednesday I was at my old school's graduation as I still knew some people who just graduated and I just wanted to go back. The thing is, that there were quite some people that I used to talk to quite a lot and after leaving school I never heard of them again, so I just asked the small talk question probably everybody would, starting with "how are you doing?" and ending with "what do you want to do next?". 

Finishing school is the end of this very lengthy chapter of your life so far. I still remember how it felt, having spent two thirds of my life, most part of my conscious existence, in education and suddenly you are out in the open. What do you do? There are some real classics, taking a gap year, going to Australia or another country far away, learning a language, working, starting university... barely anyone I've talked to didn't have at least a hint of an idea what the next few month were going to hold for them. I mean, I was the same, the plan was very clear: finding a job, working, travelling, starting university the year after. That did not work out and I wasn't even surprised. I kind of knew that, as a chaotic person, life and I tend to have different ideas for the next step, but that is ok as long as there is a plan at all.

I get so terribly aimless when I don't want to achieve anything. There are people who are amazing just surfing on those waves that the ocean of life provides them with. I'm not. Even though I am lazy I always try to involve myself in, to have a say in it too, but that's not always what I'm supposed to do. If we stay with that surfing picture, there is the lying on your belly and chasing the wave just as much as the riding it. You need to practice until your body knows what to do without even thinking about it, until it's more of an instinct than a thought through act. That's when you'll do it the right way. (Disclaimer: I've never really surfed in my life except for the internet, but you know...)

Now when I look back to getting asked the title question as a child I can remember various jobs I wanted to do: doctor, lawyer, computer engineer, forensic assistant, high school math teacher and so on. All of these require years of studying and hard work, besides, most of them are natural sciences, which is not my cup of tea as I know now. As a kid we don't see it that way. I know that probably every second child in an American kindergarden wants to become the president of the United States. Probably no one is going to have the guts to tell those little ones that the chances are very very limited for them. 

When we are young we just dream, we don't see what it takes to get there, we just see the goal. Now that I'm older I should be different, I should be aware that the way I work as a human being, I can never have my dream job, because that's the truth. I've never believed in those seemingly obvious things though. A few month back I was at a camp were we talked about callings. A friend of mine who was leading that camp asked me to tell the story about how I discovered what I was called for. She is familiar with my story and I have told it over and over before, so it was no big deal. Whilst talking to that small crowd of about 20-30 people I realized an additional thing though. I did not just talk about how in a dream I saw that I was helping a prostitute get out of that business, and I thus realized that this was what I wanted to do, but also what speaking about my dreams has done to me.

I'm talkative and sharing. Usually when something bugs me people will know. My intentions are mostly clear; I'm an open book to read. By telling so many people about my job dreams I have given them the opportunity to see me fail. I dream big, I want to fly high, so the fall could be pretty awful. I know that at the age of twenty I could've done more, I could be further. I still have no idea how I will end up where I want to, if it's even possible for me or not. I don't know where it will take me. I've struggled so much recently with another part of my life that it starts to affect how I feel about everything else. I begin to lose trust in myself, my goals, my friends...

And that's where it needs to stop. This is not how I want to live my life. The word impossible doesn't exist in the same universe as God does. No one would tell a kid that it can't be doctor because the educational path is tough, because you never know if it'll make it. How I was four years ago doesn't define whether I can or cannot be better tomorrow. I know what I want to do when I grow up. I have not grown up yet, because that process will only end when I exhale my last breath. Until then I don't want to know about the odds of something happening, I just want to try my best to master this mess and during that, maybe I'll get lucky and achieve some of my well chased goals. If not, there will be some other good things in this for me.

Cheerio.

Ps. I'm kind of over apologizing for not writing. I needed a break and I took it, now I'm slowly getting into the mood again. Things hopefully return to normal now, but no promises.

Hit me baby one more time

I should probably just stop making titles out of pop songs I don't even like, but the other option I had was "from Saul to Paul" which from the perspective of a non-church person sounds either bad or like absolutely nothing. Anyway, here is the thing.

There is this topic that has haunted me for a long time now and whenever it reappears in my head I struggle with it all over. If you dislike everything biblically touched then feel free to skip this paragraph from here on. Otherwise just continue it is actually something more or less relatable. I'm not sure if you are familiar with the biblical story, but there was this bad guy called Saul who wanted to haunt down all the Christians only some years after Jesus had died. He was very successful doing it until one day all of a sudden he had an encounter with Jesus himself and that changed his life forever. Usually this little story and his life are used as a metaphor to cheer up those who consider them self too flawed as that they could ever be used by God.

As a person who lived on this planet for nearly twenty years let me tell you two things. Firstly we are all flawed and broken human beings. We all have scars somewhere, visible or not. Secondly, still some people have it worse than others and I just know where my place is in that scale.

I am a lucky girl. Don't get me wrong, I remember this time a year ago I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. You can now either think I'm weak or you understand that the breaking point of everyone is different. As you can see it took me less than a year from the ground up again. My life consists of valleys and peaks and I make sure to enjoy the view from a viewpoint as long as I'm up there. The next little down is probably just around the corner, its shadows reaching for me. I should just be grateful for all the sun that I got during my life, but it's a source of fear instead.


There's this saying "God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers". I mean if you are going through a hard time that sounds perfect, but when you know yourself that you handle things moderately then it's not as pleasant. This saying basically makes me the weakest soldier to ever join the forces. I honestly fear that I will not be taken seriously ever if my life resolves like this. Don't we all look up to those incredibly strong people who have not been taken down by anything?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for actual bad things to hit me, that'd just be plain stupid, no thanks. I also know what some people around me went through and I am very thankful that I didn't have to deal with it. Sometimes I just fear that due to me being what I call lucky, I do not understand how hard it actually is. Pain forms you, no one can tell me it doesn't. Imagine this piece of clay. It doesn't become a beautiful vase without some serious kneading, right? Humans are the same I think.

The fears get even worse when I think of what I want to do in the future. I might see some pretty terrible things later and I'm not absolutely positive that I can handle them. I've known that for a long time now and I still worry that that's the main reason why I'm not supposed to ever work in the field I plan to. What if I just fail due to my own weakness or because I simply won't be taken serious.

I'm a white girl, coming out of a family whit not too many issues. What do I know about the real world, about things like depression, violence, poverty, world hunger, drug abuse? Nothing. There are some other things I know though. I know that I'm willingly to learn about them. I want to listen, I want to help. I might not be strong yet, but I'll learn it, step by step, fight by fight. 

Sometimes I also feel like not yet awake. I think that there is more to me that I am now and I want to use my full potential. How do I wake up when I feel like I'm asleep all the time? How do I get past that stand-by mode, how do I awake the Paul that lives inside this lazy little Saul?

I think it's about transformation in general, about growing over you, again and again. You don't need to hit rock bottom, but you need to face fears. Everyone needs to fight their own battles, one demon at a time. If my biggest problem is my own laziness then that doesn't mean it's less of a problem than real life depression. Whatever hurts me is something I as a person cannot tolerate anymore. I might not have heroic stories afterwards, but I'll have personal growth and trust me, nothing is worse than standing still for too long.

Cheerio.

P.s. Sorry I'm lame, NaNoWriMo is eating my soul and my time. Which is a bad excuse but yeah .

What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.