The things we don't say

Recently I thought a lot about words that are never spoken, secrets that are never spilled and truths that are hidden behind lies. We are not talking about harmful things or bulling, but those tender moments that happen so often that we might miss them; those words between the lines that need to be looked for in order to be found.

First of all, I think nice things should always be said. When I was younger sometimes when I couldn't sleep I imagined having a terminal illness. I don't know why, it's the stupidest any healthy teenager can come up with but I kind of had this scenario in my head. I always wondered what I would do and I imagined writing letters to my loved ones. Soon I realized though, that when thinking about that I barely thought of my family. I love them and they know that. I wouldn't need so many words to explain them because it is plain visible. The people I thought more of where the ones I couldn't just express it as easily: the girl in my class who was funny, good looking and creative. My crush who I knew had many issues in his life, my dearest friends that I would never be able to thank enough for all the memories, this guy who literally is my best friend and so on.

Of course I never wrote those letters, I kept those thoughts to myself and stored them, only releasing tiny bits once in a while. When I grew older though I realized just how much it meant to me hearing similar words that I thought but this time about me. Being truly appreciated for little things, being acknowledged, even cherished... It feels amazing. I started taking screenshots of cute messages, word documents full of texts, pictures of gifts and so on. For a change I wanted to store good things said about me, to take them out again when I didn't feel good, during those though times that will find you every once in a while.

On the other hand I've decided to tell the people around me that they are brilliant. Sometimes I will not use the words "you are cool" or "I like you" simply because that might not always be the way to communicate. I have friends who I'm mostly using sarcasm with, so sometimes "You are a twat/idiot/stupid" means "I really appreciate your existence". I also assume that for some people around me it's exactly the same. A while ago I had a short talk with a friend of mine and she told me about her fear of missing out and having lost friends due to missing out in the past. I told her to look around and realize that even though she was away for a while, she still gets teased and made fun of from our friends, which clearly is their way of saying "it's like you never left", maybe even with a pinch of "we've missed you".

Someone once told me that behind every word of irony, there is a hidden agenda; something bad that we are afraid to show. At first I shrugged it off, knowing that I have used sarcasm multiple times for nothing more than a joke. On the other hand I do remember times and times when my words where true, but hidden behind irony. Maybe it's true that we are afraid to declare our admiration for someone because it might sound cheesy, but it could also just be that after a while the words "I like you" have lost so much value that we don't feel comfortable using them anymore. It could also be that we say some things that way, in order to conceal what we feel. It's not always appropriate to express your opinions; it can actually make people uncomfortable. I used to have this habit with my best guy friend in school to write each other the cheesiest birthday messages whilst not saying things like that during the year. I have found one of these messages recently and it made me so happy.

Yes I have tried to hide things behind a wall of sarcasm "of course I have a crush on him" would probably be the most used in high school (my classmates would not stop bugging me about this guy and I didn't want to talk about it so by adding a pinch of irony I made them think it wasn't true). Maybe it also was "I'm fine" (which is plain stupid. I started being honest about how I'm actually doing upon hearing this question, feels way better).

My life is an open book and that's the way I want it to be. There are very few things that I wouldn't share with my friends and even fewer that I keep all to myself (at least as long as we speak about my things. I don't spill other people's secrets). Still, sometimes it's not what you say; it's how you say it. It might be better to let action speak, or it might just be about the packaging, how you express your thoughts. Whatever you do, try to speak out the good words, keep the nice ones you receive and forget about the rest.

Maybe this was just my way of saying "sarcasm is good", or between the lines I just wanted to express "I freaking love the people around me so much, they make my life so lovable" without sounding too stupidly obvious. It's also possible that I just thought too much about those words left unspoken, that I really wish I could say, but probably never will ;)


Cheerio.

Life is magical

Once again I find myself sitting on a train on the way to university. A bit more than a year ago I was scared that riding trains would lose its magic on me eventually as I was forced to do it on a regular basis. Let me tell you, it has not so far.

As I'm sitting here now, my mind starts to wander. I know the way the train will take, there is nothing spectacular about that, but I'm listening to music, the sun is shining and I feel kind of strange. Not uncomfortable strange though, it’s more of a happy sensation. All of a sudden my mind starts to wander, song by song a little more.

It starts with the beauty of this world. Add a little sun and dull places become full of life, at least that’s how they look to me. It proceeds to thinking about science, how some people think to have found every possible explanation in it and me being thankful that I'm not desperately looking for an answer because I know it. Behind every little thing on this earth is some good old magic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about witches, about visible sparks or anything like that. I speak about the little things that make life such an extraordinarily beautiful thing. Let me elaborate. I have friends who are in a relationship. They've found someone they are comfortable with, they found another existing human they seem to some sort connect with on a very deep level and that other individual feels somewhat like them. That’s something so rare in my eyes, like a treasure. How are the chances? For me, it is amazing.

If this is not enough, then let me proceed with someone I've basically known all my life. She is pregnant and very soon she'll have a baby. Just imagine that, I've known her when she was a kid herself and now there is literally a little human being growing inside her! Of course I’m aware about the biological process of how we grow and change and also about reproduction, but that sounds so cold and clinical, when it’s really extraordinary, special and simply a miracle.

Now if that is not enough, then I still have more. I just look at my own story and see how things have changed, how relationships with people have become more meaningful, how strangers became friends and sometimes even feel like family. How people get born and they grow up to be human beings with their own character. Also how time passes how people die, there is this ever-changing aspect of life that amazes me so much. You might think I’m naïve or just simple minded, maybe I am. I’m not saying I’ve figured life out at all, but I feel ridiculously close to an epiphany, as if the essence of life is just around the corner waiting for me to grasp it. But of course, I don’t and the moment passes me, not without letting me wish that I would’ve reached it.

At this point I'm very willing to admit that I know how weird it is to try to describe what is going on in one’s head. We cannot share our thoughts because it's a mixture of emotions, experiences and so much more. Just the fact that I'm able to contemplate my own thoughts seems impossible to fully take in.

This might sound crazy and confusing to you, which is okay. There is just one last thing I want to add, something I stumbled over today (actually the day after writing the above and thinking that I shouldn't post something that comes from the crazier/ more philosophical side of my brain). It's a quote by Einstein and there is a reason why I'm utterly impressed by this man, and it's not because of his work for physics.

“There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle". - Albert Einstein

I prefer mine to be filled with miracles and curiosity, strange happenings and pure happiness. I’d choose to be strange and weird and lost in thought over being well arranged and controlled any day of my life. Don't know about you though.

Cheerio.