Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

What do you want to do when you grow up

This question we all got asked hundreds and hundreds of times growing up. Last Wednesday I was at my old school's graduation as I still knew some people who just graduated and I just wanted to go back. The thing is, that there were quite some people that I used to talk to quite a lot and after leaving school I never heard of them again, so I just asked the small talk question probably everybody would, starting with "how are you doing?" and ending with "what do you want to do next?". 

Finishing school is the end of this very lengthy chapter of your life so far. I still remember how it felt, having spent two thirds of my life, most part of my conscious existence, in education and suddenly you are out in the open. What do you do? There are some real classics, taking a gap year, going to Australia or another country far away, learning a language, working, starting university... barely anyone I've talked to didn't have at least a hint of an idea what the next few month were going to hold for them. I mean, I was the same, the plan was very clear: finding a job, working, travelling, starting university the year after. That did not work out and I wasn't even surprised. I kind of knew that, as a chaotic person, life and I tend to have different ideas for the next step, but that is ok as long as there is a plan at all.

I get so terribly aimless when I don't want to achieve anything. There are people who are amazing just surfing on those waves that the ocean of life provides them with. I'm not. Even though I am lazy I always try to involve myself in, to have a say in it too, but that's not always what I'm supposed to do. If we stay with that surfing picture, there is the lying on your belly and chasing the wave just as much as the riding it. You need to practice until your body knows what to do without even thinking about it, until it's more of an instinct than a thought through act. That's when you'll do it the right way. (Disclaimer: I've never really surfed in my life except for the internet, but you know...)

Now when I look back to getting asked the title question as a child I can remember various jobs I wanted to do: doctor, lawyer, computer engineer, forensic assistant, high school math teacher and so on. All of these require years of studying and hard work, besides, most of them are natural sciences, which is not my cup of tea as I know now. As a kid we don't see it that way. I know that probably every second child in an American kindergarden wants to become the president of the United States. Probably no one is going to have the guts to tell those little ones that the chances are very very limited for them. 

When we are young we just dream, we don't see what it takes to get there, we just see the goal. Now that I'm older I should be different, I should be aware that the way I work as a human being, I can never have my dream job, because that's the truth. I've never believed in those seemingly obvious things though. A few month back I was at a camp were we talked about callings. A friend of mine who was leading that camp asked me to tell the story about how I discovered what I was called for. She is familiar with my story and I have told it over and over before, so it was no big deal. Whilst talking to that small crowd of about 20-30 people I realized an additional thing though. I did not just talk about how in a dream I saw that I was helping a prostitute get out of that business, and I thus realized that this was what I wanted to do, but also what speaking about my dreams has done to me.

I'm talkative and sharing. Usually when something bugs me people will know. My intentions are mostly clear; I'm an open book to read. By telling so many people about my job dreams I have given them the opportunity to see me fail. I dream big, I want to fly high, so the fall could be pretty awful. I know that at the age of twenty I could've done more, I could be further. I still have no idea how I will end up where I want to, if it's even possible for me or not. I don't know where it will take me. I've struggled so much recently with another part of my life that it starts to affect how I feel about everything else. I begin to lose trust in myself, my goals, my friends...

And that's where it needs to stop. This is not how I want to live my life. The word impossible doesn't exist in the same universe as God does. No one would tell a kid that it can't be doctor because the educational path is tough, because you never know if it'll make it. How I was four years ago doesn't define whether I can or cannot be better tomorrow. I know what I want to do when I grow up. I have not grown up yet, because that process will only end when I exhale my last breath. Until then I don't want to know about the odds of something happening, I just want to try my best to master this mess and during that, maybe I'll get lucky and achieve some of my well chased goals. If not, there will be some other good things in this for me.

Cheerio.

Ps. I'm kind of over apologizing for not writing. I needed a break and I took it, now I'm slowly getting into the mood again. Things hopefully return to normal now, but no promises.

Weird & Wonderful

Last weekend I was at a YouTube convention. Looking back it was one of the strangest but also one of the best days of my life. It was chaotic, I was in constant fear of getting crushed and my friend and I didn't even manage to meet everyone we wanted to meet even though we stood in a queue for two hours. There were several thousand of people and depending on who you wanted to meet the line was pretty long and some people kept pushing in from the sides. Some of the international guests have a subscriber count that is way over 1 million, which to me seems incredible. Before you judge me or the event though, you have to understand that I had the possibility of talking to some people that I watch weekly on YouTube and who inspire more than I can actually explain. If you are into YouTube and you ever have the chance to go to such an event, just do it, even if you don't like it you'll have made some interesting memories.

So the point of this post isn't to write about my experiences there, I just wanted to show you that when it comes to YouTube we are talking about this huge community that sometimes seems to benefit only the people who are already well known and us viewers are doomed to linger on the outer edges of the internet, even though that's not what we want. Sometimes it seems impossible to reach more people and to find your own voice in this big thing, but other times there are opportunities that shouldn't be dismissed.

Weird & Wonderful is such an opportunity for me. Last Saturday I queued for half an hour (we had a lucky start) to get a picture with one of the YouTubers who has over 2,2 million subscribers. Some people waited for hours and didn't meet him as there were just too many. The next day, on Sunday, I had a casual Google hangout with that guy's sister, alongside with about seven other people from around the world. The siblings I'm talking about are Caspar and Theodora Lee, two South African YouTubers. How on earth did I come from queuing for one to casually chatting to the other?

I’ll give you a short history. Theo might be older than Caspar, but she only started her YouTube channel after Caspar had some sort of success online. I don't think she misused her brother's fame, but who wouldn't use what's around them when they thought they had something to tell, so she surely benefited from it when she made her first video. She always tried to find her own voice though, as far as I can tell, so they only used the same media to get that content out they thought was worth sharing. Caspar’s more into comedy and Theo tried out different genres. Right now she is into worldchanging ;).

As of recently though Theo wants to separate what she is doing completely from what her brother does, in order to step out of his shadow. At least that's how I understood it all. She has called upon people all around the world to help her and to work together on this thing she decided to call weird & wonderful. Everyone who wanted to could apply and we are about sixty people now. It's not just about YouTube though, some are talented in social media, art, music, or in my case, writing. There is room for anything "as long as it is creative" to quote Theo herself. The main goal is to discuss difficult topics and to help each other out in difficult situations. Everyone has gone through different things in their lives, positive and negative, but every single person has a story to tell.

As I said, last Sunday we had a hangout, to get to know each other more, especially this time Theo joined us too. Most of the creators are teenage girls, which for me is very funny. They are incredibly motivated and such sweethearts. We have set up a whatsappchat and things never get boring there. Every other week we get a topic that we can do a project on and right now I'm working on my project three. 

Of course I don't know where this whole thing is headed, but it feels like the shoe fits so well right now. I love how my internet existence slowly turns into something more than just consuming. What goes along that line was that during the YouTube convention we were in line to meet another South African guy (I think they are my favourite people right now xD). I once was in a video of his about productivity. That video was filmed on Skype. So when we reached the front of the queue and I said hello to him he went: "Oh, your Alice from Switzerland, right?". I'm not a fangirl but well, that was my favourite moment of all. Someone with 30k subs remembers me, I'm working together with Theodora Lee and I'm part of this amazing online community? Pretty rad.

I wrote this post for two reasons. Working on W&W might take up quite some time. We all know I've been a lazy blogger anyway, so sorry if that continues. On the other hand I also wanted to introduce you to this part of my life that if everything goes according to plan might become very important to me. I'll try my best to not neglect this site though, so join me along this journey which is hopefully going to be as weird as it's going to be wonderful.

Cheerio.

P.s. I'll post the team's introduction video down below if you want to take a glimpse of "us".

Cheers to 2013, Hello 2014

I know, I know, I'm late to the whole year recap thing, but better late than never. Besides, we are on the first page of a 365 pages long new chapter and even though I mocked the idea of the calendar changing to be something important to a human life just yesterday, I can imagine it to be a good milestone to recollect past happenings and to re-evaluate ones life. To be honest sometimes I'm convinced that studying sociology is the best thing for me, considering how much I like to overanalyse things like New Year.

I'm not sure if I'm ever able to say: "This was my best year". Every year has had its ups and downs. I remember December 2012 was rough; I was pretty depressed and sad. One evening shortly before the year ended I remember crying my eyes out because I couldn't take it no more. What was it? Life in general. You see I started last year not in the best mood, and I continued it until halfway through February. Then the first step on my recovery happened, it was the day that I was offered the money to go on that mission trip that I talked about in an earlier post. It was something that didn't have to do with my problems considering finding a job and a flat for college, but it was a sign that everything might turn out just alright somehow.

I recently checked through my diary and read the things I wrote last year. I couldn't help but smile. In march I wrote that I finally felt like I was on the upgrade as I had found a job and about two weeks later I was approached by my youth pastor and asked if I wanted to become a youth group leader. Of course I also like March because it was my birthday and finally because I filmed my first ever YouTube video in the middle of the month. It was pretty awesome.

In April I started working, which was tiring but I was so happy to be finally doing something again. Also I actually became a youth group leader. May and June were month when nothing very spectacular happened, at least nothing that is really worth to be mentioned. July I only remember having to work more, being exhausted and also preparing for Mallorca. Also throughout this time I was tutoring a friend of mine in English which was something that I quite liked. Last but not least I found a flat, even though I was very sceptical about that, but it didn't end up quite as bad. 

August was Mallorca, which definitely marks the highlight of my year. The best part about it? I'm coming back this year! During this time I also grew back closer to a friend who I wasn't that close anymore before. September meant moving out and starting University. A huge step for me, a real adventure but a good one. 

My favourite about October definitely was going to Germany in order to visit the people I met in Mallorca. That was another adventure. I went there with the friend I grew closer again, but I wanted to meet someone from Stuttgart before heading over to Karlsruhe, so it was my first time going to a foreign country on my own and it was also the first time to organize a travel. I know it's nothing huge, but for me it meant quite something. It showed to me once more that I want to keep crossing my own boundaries and get past the things I know. That adventure included being a total minority, seeing dear friends and even going to visit a prison. Pretty cool.

November was challenging. I did my first "preach" in front of my youth group which made me very nervous. I'm not very good with standing in front of people, but I aim to be, so I'm not afraid to work on that. I'm pretty ok with how it went in the end. Besides there was NaNoWriMo, and busy weekends in general as everything seemed to be crammed into the last two month of the year.

December was rough, family drama deluxe, studying for finals, Christmas, and New Year. I struggled again but I told myself to keep looking on the bright spots, the support of my friends, the dance we had at our church and the fact that I survived my first semester and that I could take a break again. The past few days were chaotic but alright in the end. 

After some shenanigans on Sunday I found my eyes to feel rather sore which turned out to be an eye infection. The problem was that I had promised to co-host my church's New Years Eve party and that we had nothing planned. After going to the doctor yesterday he gave me an ok to go, but sadly the other co-host was sick. So yesterday included running to the doctor's, calling a friend very humbly to ask if he would co-host with me (which to my utter surprise he agreed to do), helping to set up the decoration, planning somewhat of a program to entertain the crowd for a while, hosting and besides, trying not to infect anyone and finally actually enjoying myself within that chaos. It all worked out, probably largely because said friend not only stepped in as co-host, but also as technician filling the gap that a sick organiser leaves behind. Even though he does not read my blog, a massive thank you once again. Good to know I have friends that I can spontaneously count on.

To be fair that is not even close to what went on during this year, but all that I thought to be important enough to mention. The year in general was filled with friends, laughter, beautiful and unforgettable moments and as I said, ups and downs. I can't wait for all the exciting new things that 2014 will bring the adventures and the challenges. It better be great!

Cheerio.

What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.