On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

We were made to be courageous

The title up here is the first line of a song that inspired me a lot lately. I'm happier now than I used to be some month ago, but I still struggle with myself and others from time to time. It happens that this song plays on my mp3 player whenever I need it. The song is called courageous by casting crowns and as far as I know it was written for a movie with the same name. In this post I want to talk about courage, and what it may mean if you try to be fierce. In between I might add some lyrics, because the song was my inspiration.

"We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains"

This is something that is huge around me. We all want to be part of a special generation, we want to see a revolution. Most of the people around me, no matter which background they come from, are looking for a better world and a brighter tomorrow. We are not the only ones. Isn't it part of a youth's destiny to not accept injustice around us, the will to be rebel? I guess so, but as every generation before us I hope we do something with the energy given to us. Let's be courageous.

"The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands"

Those words are truly powerful. And to be honest, it was this line that came to my mind yesterday evening. This is a Christian song, so they talk about standing before God and doing his will. There is no way we can stand straight before the king of the universe. If you ever understand what a relationship to God means, the power that comes with it, you might understand. Until then, be courageous for other reasons, don't let fear hinder you to do anything.

"We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside"

Again, no matter what you believe in, be passionate about it. Not in a negative, destructive way, but in an open style. Try to motivate others, let them see what your heart cries for. There is a song line by mumford and sons that says: "where you invest your love, you invest your life". So if you only have one life, then take it and make something great.

"Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more"


"We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall"

"May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise"

I guess three days ago those three lines where the ones that made me a little disappointed. It's not only man that can be courageous, courage isn't a limited thing, but as we grow older we learn. I've learned yesterday that a woman can be strong, and she should be, but for a man it's more important. Those lines are supposed to those men of courage who were made for so much more, and they should hear it. I can take my lines, but there are at least as many guys who don't know there value as there are girls, but not a lot of people see it. Plus you know what? I hope to maybe find such a strong guy for myself too, one day.
Let's end this on another line, the final one of the song:

"We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous"
 
Cheerio.

A hairy situation

I hate going to the hairdresser. When I was a little kid I refused to brush my hair so it always looked like a haystack. In order to prevent major knots in it, my mum forced me to either go to the hairdresser regularly, or let her brush it. I'm not sure if that's the reason, but to this day I don't really like people touching my head, and due to that I really dislike going to the hairdresser. Of course I don't wander around looking like a tramp. Like every decent human being I wash my hair, and I try to keep it tidy, but that was about it. I go to the hairdresser about every year, except last year when I went twice.

So why even bother talking about that? Well there are certain things I observed about hair. For example, whenever I actually go to the hairdresser, I decided to cut my hair rather short. Last year was special though. I wanted the hairdresser to cut my hair extra short because it meant something to me. Long hair is very feminine and girly, something I associate with well-being, whereas in my head short hair symbolizes strength, confidence and maybe a bit of 'I-don't-care-what-other-people-think' attitude. Yes, we live in modern times where one can wear their hair however they want, but still I had this in my head when I cut it short. After all, it helped me through a difficult time and reminded me that I only need to please myself, which I do.

There are a lot of women out there who care a lot about their long hair. They use a lot of products and are very proud of it. That's ok of course, and I would be shocked if some of my friends cut their hair, as they belong to that type of women. Another thing is men. I know that most of the guys I know prefer long haired girls. It's just something I seem to hear quite a lot. For me it was just another reason to become short haired, as I didn't want to feel dependant on a man's judging. At least that's what I tried to tell myself when my sub- consciousness proved me wrong.

I remember a dream I had about two weeks after I went to the hairdresser's. I was wearing very baggy clothes and as I said, was short haired, when a male friend of mine got up to me. I wanted to hug him as usually, but instead of hugging me, he punched me in the shoulder. After that he went on, poking me and hitting me and I just did not understand why he treated me like that. At some point I stepped away a bit and asked him what was wrong. He then told me that, if I wanted to be treated like a girl, then I should look like one too. I can't remember what happened next, but those words shocked me a lot. Why did I care so much about that deep down?

Another point where I realized how important it is to men is when I was at a friend's birthday party. At first there were many people but in the end just four people stayed for an all-nighter, namely her, her boyfriend, a male friend of them and me. At some point my friend's boyfriend said that he really liked long haired girls, and that for his taste mine was too short. He wasn't being rude, it's his opinion and taste, but it still kind of got to me, especially because I then thought back to that dream, and many conversations I had with my male friends about that topic. Of course I don't need to please my friend's boyfriend, but hearing that you don't look good from a guy is... well it isn't good for my pride.

Last but not least, even though it seems like I need to correct myself, meaning I do care what my hair looks like, I still can't stop myself from trying out new styles and colours, ignoring the fact that men might not like it. I am a redhead now, slightly purple in it, with a self cut fringe that is a bit crooked. To be honest the colour looks odd but I love it. Sadly guy feedback these days is rare, except for my father who told me it was ugly and a friend who once said that he disliked red hair. Oh well, I might one day find a guy who just accepts my hair choices anyway, or I'll die forever alone, whatever :P

Cheerio

Women Vs. Men

Recently I put quite a lot of thoughts into the ideas of roles. Is there something typical for a man that he really needs to fulfill? What about me as a woman, what points are given to me that I cannot ignore. We'll have those themes in my youth group next year, more exactly the topic is: Guys need to become men and women may stay women. (EDIT: The topic is now called differently)

This bothers me quite a lot. Nowadays it's pretty rough to bring up kids. For example, I'd encourage parents to life certain roles and raise their children towards them. Not by punishment if the kid doesn't want to, but to encourage them. I think it's perfectly fine for boys to play LEGO and for girls to play with dolls. That doesn't mean I don't tolerate it the other way around, but I can't understand people who say that we should give no boundaries to kids. It is strange if a little boy wants to wear skirts, it simply is. He doesn't understand what he is doing, and our world isn't ready for that anyway, he'll just have a rough childhood for nothing.

I know about transgender and about gay people and I have nothing against them, but for me a child can't decide and is easy influenced by its parents. At this stage it should have guidelines, which it can throw over as a teenager. We all change when we grow up, we leave behind most of the stuff our parents told us and we become our own human being. In that time we can decided for ourselves completely and we start to understand the consequences following to our doing. To be honest this topic is way to delicate to write about it, so don't get me wrong.

Back to the quote about men and women. I don't want to "stay" a woman, I want to become one. A woman isn't the same as a housewife, but it isn't a "bra burner" either. In my mind, a woman is strong, but not afraid to show weakness. She is able to live her life on her own, but might choose to share it with a partner and even kids, depending on what she wants. A woman knows herself, is able to accept help and all in all, she is dedicated to whatever she does. I want to become such a person, but I'm far from that.

I grew up in a Christian household and I still believe in that whole heartily. My mum never thought me that I couldn't become anything, she never gave me limits. With god everything is possible, that's what I know. I don't like the picture that is drawn of Christians these days; I might compose another post about that later. Anyway, I'm curious to find out what our youth pastor has to say about women staying women.

Now let's talk about men. I know a lot of guys that were very immature when they were about fourteen. I couldn't stand being around them, it made me furious. Now they've grown up and are still childish, which is no problem. My best male friends all kept their little boy inside alive, but the important fact is that they matured, they’ve become reasonable and they learned when it's ok to be all funny and when they should be serious.

Recently I talked with a female friend of mine how guys in their late teens suffer a lot of pressure. You need to be strong and independent, earn a lot of money and have the right woman on your side or you are worth nothing. What about the sensitive boys out there? They are forced to change, they are not considered men. Gay guys aren't considered men either, and for me this is kind of wrong, their sexuality doesn't change their gender.

Gender seems in fact to be unbelievable complicated and that annoys me. For me it's clear you are either male or female, except for when you have a genetically disease. Again, transgender are too either male or female, they just decide to change from one to the other. But to become a man or a woman, there is more than just genetics.

Sorry that this was so long and a bit confusing, have a nice day though.