Fight for what you want

Today during lunchtime I had a discussion with my brother. Don't ask me how we started, but at some point I tried to explain to him that I am proud to be a student, proud to have graduated High School as the first person in our family, proud of all the things I achieved since then. I also tried to explain how hard it felt to me to be proud on those things, without feeling like diminishing what he does, as he is the older one, he is said to have the higher IQ, but he dropped out of High School and is now doing an apprenticeship. I struggled with being happy about my achievements cause it felt like I was pushing his down, which I do not feel comfortable in doing.

I do that a lot. I hate competitions. Whenever someone else and I are in comparison, part of me wants to give up for various reasons, to just not participate in whatever contest it could be. First one being that I do not want to take away something from somebody else. Second is that I am afraid of failing so I might just throw in the towel, just so I do not feel like I was not good enough. Both are really bad ways of living a life to be honest. In always comparing myself with others, I take up responsibility not only for my actions, but for the actions of everyone around me. In addition, I do not do that solely for real things, but also for possibilities. I don't do a thing cause someone else seems more suited in my opinion, even though I do not even know if that person even wants that. That is crap. And in not trying I deprive myself of the challenge, of what could be a brilliant thing if I just really tried.

On a Sunday during a sermon a pastor said, that it can be hurtful and frustrating when someone steals something away from you. One example for that was, that someone could steal your dreamguy. I turned at my friend, complaining, that that was not possible, simply cause a person can hardly be stolen. There is always a choice. So if said dreamguy didn't want to be with me, or even wanted to be with someone else, then he was not mine to claim in the first place. I should adapt that thinking in more places. When someone offers me a thing, why not accept it and trust the person that they knew what they were doing when they offered? Why not assume that maybe it was for me to get anyway?

But what if I start to change the perspective completely. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so why not believe that there is a reason I get possibilities? I get dizzy just thinking of the things I could have, could achieve, could get, if I just stopped trying to protect everyone. Sometimes I hold back telling things, trying things, out of fear of being obnoxious and annoying. What if I decided the people around me were old enough to protect themselves if I went on their nerves? If I started trusting that they'd tell me?

It comes down to accepting who I am, figuring out what I want and then give my best shot. So I am good at knowing who I am, but I should stop holding that back for no reason other than being scared to be judged or that people might get annoyed, especially with friends. Then, when I have also figured out what I want. I should start trying to get it, my way. If my way does not work, then maybe it was not for me anyway, but if it was then even better. If that all fails, then I can go back to everything happens for a reason and be content in knowing I tried, for real this time and finally stop wonder what I could done differently.

Will I be able to do that? I don't know man, but I may aswell try, right?

Cheerio.

A Yearly Recap

I only ever have one big goal for a new year: Progress. The thought of standing still, of life not being an endless journey of change and growth, it sounds bad to me. Every year I want to go ahead and attempt to become better, in whatever sense that could be. I remember clearly December 2014, I was not content. My year was good, not much to complain about, but I honestly couldn’t pinpoint that many extraordinary moments. I did not feel like I as a person changed, tried new things or had been especially fierce. It just didn’t feel enough. For 2015 I dreamed about more, without being sure what this more meant.

Now, today, on January 1^st 2016, things are differently. I am proud to say, that in 2015, I fulfilled my goal. I worked on myself, I had highs and lows but my mind-set is to my utter surprise not the same as it used to be. Not due to the clock changing, cause "new year, new me" is crap, but because I had 365 days to change, and somehow I did.

Mostly, that happened due to circumstances I did not influence, so I can’t really take credit for it. I just want to start this year with being thankful. I am grateful for the learning opportunities in 2015. I am astonished about the small and big opportunities I had last year. I am amazed at the people I have around me that just make me a better self. Finally, I am curious and ready to see more of that happening in 2016.

I do like to look back on a year by having a small timeline of things that happened. I already wrote that, but I am ignoring it. Instead I will sort things by topic. Last year was great cause…

…I saw more gigs than I ever thought I would. I am not a music gal, but singing with musicians you enjoy and to songs you love in a big crowd is something that can happen more often if you ask me. Shout out to Imagine Dragons, Hurts, For King and Country, Jesus Culture, Sido, Culcha Candela.

…I had a bucket list summer. Now that is a concept I thought about when all of a sudden, I did all those cool things, like boating on a big river in Switzerland, visiting summer camp, going to Greece and Germany, multiple weddings of couples I like so much and finally doing my theory test for driving in addition to just so many beautiful summer days and nights with beautiful people.

…I have a rough idea about what I will do the next two and a half years cause I will stay at university to get a second bachelor’s degree in theology. That’s one of the best things that came out of this year and even though I am crumbling already due to the workload, I am looking forward to it a lot.

… I changed. This is the hardest to explain, but so much about my mindset has changed this year. I really want to dig into that in a later post. I see myself different now, I believe I am capable of so many things and I start to wonder if my dreams could really actually become reality. In addition to that, I kind of made peace with myself, with some aspects that have been bugging me for years and years, and all of a sudden everything feels possible. It’s easiest to say: I fell in love with my own life.

…I started doing more things for myself and on my own. That feels good!

…I actually went to a brothel and to the red light district with an organisation that is in contact with prostitutes and tries to help them, in my own city. I mean, this is crazy, and amazing, and left me with even more intentions to work in that field.

…I won my fifth year of NaNoWriMo even though I initially did not want to participate. NaNo was hectic and crazy, but that’s what Novembers are for!

…there were actually so many big and little things that happened that made me smile, giggle and laugh. I can’t even remember all, but the year was filled with them and I am grateful.

Now the things is, that there were also sad things, mostly death related. I was especially touched by four. The first is silly, my dog died. She was with us for 16 years, so since I was five years old. One day to another she was too weak to get up and so we had to put her down.

The second death was a woman of my church. I can’t even describe why that touched me, but it did. There were various little reasons that just built up to that feeling. At least I know that she IS in a better place now.

And the last, and most recent one, on the 22. December my Grandfather died. I had 21 years wit four grandparents, so I am lucky, still I am sad, cause he was such a kind man and I loved him a lot. At least I know he knew I loved him, as well as I know he loved me. In the aftermath of him dying my grandma collapsed and had to have surgery, so my holidays were rather bittersweet. My grandma is slowly getting well again.

You see, everything is a mixture of emotions, but that’s ok, that’s how life is for me. I was able to spend the last couple of days with friends at a conference in my city and that was just the best way to let a year end.

Once again, I conclude that this year was good, crazy, a lot to handle, unexpected, adventurous, challenging, but so so worth it. I am truly grateful for it all!

Cheerio. 

Ps: Ok, addmited, this year I have one goal: to read through the bible, all of it. Let's see where that gets me!