It all comes down to shame

I've always found the story of Adam and Eve to be very interesting. I remember being a kid, about eight years old, at a different church than the one I am now attending. At Sunday school they were teaching us about the origins of the earth, about Eve and how she picked up that apple (or whatever fruit it was) and how it all went downhill from there. One thing stuck with me. The Sunday school teacher asked us if we thought we would've done better, but there was not one doubt in me, even at that young age, that I would've done exactly the same due to various reason.

Back then I already knew that I was curious. I wanted to know everything and not eating that apple would've meant not understanding the world they lived on, which didn't seem good enough. Later, when I was older I thought that I would've eaten it because the snake was good at convincing. I can imagine it saying something like "he does care for you, sure, but he has his own superior motives in mind. He isn't giving you everything, but expects you to be obedient. That isn't fair, is it?" My fear of not getting enough, of always being the second would have gotten to me and I would have fallen for that trap, for sure.

Nowadays I assume I would probably still not be able to deny, mainly because I am back to wanting to know everything. Knowledge and understand is very appealing to me and we are speaking of the tree of knowledge. Of course I would've bloody eaten the fruit; I don't doubt myself for a second there. I would have yielded oh so quickly. And what happened next is not a secret.

Eve convinced Adam to eat of it too, and then they hid in the woods, as all of a sudden they felt shame. Ever since that moment, whether it really did happen or not, we are prone to be ashamed and we are. And when we are too ashamed we try to hide, to cover up and to pretend like it never happened. That's how God found them. All of a sudden aware of their nakedness, they didn't try to dare walk around in front of God anymore. I can imagine them only just starting to understand who they were spending time with. They didn't feel at peace around him anymore because they got a grasp at how important he is. That's how I imagine. And when God figured out what happened I can only imagine how sad he felt; because he loved the two of them dearly. I think he wanted to be close to them, but now shame separated them forever.

That's how it is today. I realized just how bad shame is controlling us all, but when I realized, I could see traces in the lives of every person around me, also in mine. My father is ashamed so he is drinking to cover up. My friend is ashamed so she hides behind fear, that guy is ashamed and so he pretends, the next person is ashamed and so they try to compensate. I am ashamed and so I am angry, or sad, or secretive or I don't know.

Now don't get me wrong. There are moments that feeling ashamed is appropriate, mostly when it is paired with feeling sorry. When you did something wrong, being ashamed for what you did is key to asking for forgiveness. Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so we now know what good and evil is. So when we do evil, we will feel ashamed. SO the problem for me is not the feeling ashamed, it's the being and staying ashamed. It's the covering up our shame instead of being open about it.

I figured that out the hard way, but at least I did figure it out. When I finally allowed to myself to think about the whole questioning-my-own-sexuality-thing I was relived to figure it out. But only when I spoke about it in public for the first time I felt like it was done. Before that I was happy to have an answer, but I was still ashamed about all of it. That's why I deleted three drafts of that post, too scared to go public even on this blog. What would my friends who have access think? Those are people I care about, what would happen?

Before even posting about it here, before speaking to anyone, I managed to put even more shame on my life. I met up with some friends during the week, and we joked as usually. That day had been kind of shitty and I was tired from sleeping badly when someone I care about a lot said something that hurt me. At first I didn't notice, I joked back didn't even think about it. When I left I could already feel something coming up, but I told myself I was just tired.

Walking to the bus stop I heard what he said on repeat in my mind, and everything it got worse. In the bus I basically shouted at myself to not cry in public. By the time I was home I ran to the bathroom and cried. The next day I woke up furious. At myself for letting that person hurt me, at that person for daring to do so. And I fuelled my anger. I refused to talk to them, look at them, even tried to not think about them, only broke that to be angry at them. I couldn't let it go, even though I told myself it was a joke, no harm intended, it was a little thing and I should not make fuzz about it. But I couldn't. Also I could not tell that person because goodness gracious, I am not such a sissy to get angry about some sarcasm, am I?

Almost a week after it happened, I was still hurt, angry and sad, it hit me. I was so ashamed about my own feelings and the fact that it got to me so badly, that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had a good laugh at myself trust me, but then I started to think this through. In order to being able to forgive that person, I needed to tell them, no way around it. So I had to address the issue and be open about how they managed to hit a spot, I had to expose the wound, again, and hope they wouldn't use it against me. What a risk. In the moment I took that decision, I had this feeling that it was exactly the right thing to do. I was closing the door to anger, and tried to clear my thoughts instead.

So the next day, I felt better. All of a sudden I was able to let it go, but this time, I decided against it. I knew that not speaking about it would give me a short time rest; I wanted it to be gone for real though. I prepared my words and texted my friend. Afterwards came fifteen minutes of absolute utter fear. I had made my point and awaited an answer, in total horror of the fact that I had been painfully honest once again. You know what? Once again it was the right thing to do. All my fears of them using it against me were totally in vain and the reply all in all just showed me how much of a mess I made out of nothing. Still I claim that I did what I had to do. Being ashamed doesn't fix it, it might be a good start to feel it, but to use it in order to solve a conflict is better than to try to hide forever, because I think no one is able to hide forever. Adam had to speak with God and both of them had to life with the mess they created, that's what we still need to do today.

I think most problems happen because we are hurt beings. We are hurt in many ways throughout our life and we can only take so much of it until we fall. Even in paradise they got hurt, and they were protected well. So maybe we should start questioning we hold on to grudges, why we keep being angry and why we blood can't open our mouths about or feelings in general. Maybe we should stop being ashamed, not overnight just to walk right into the trap again tomorrow, but instead slowly but surely start to realize that shame is not the end of the road, it could just indicate that it's time to adjust the path a bit to get past this obstacle.

And mistakes happen, look at Eve, but don't let them take you down, be forgiving with yourself and others.


Cheerio.

Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.