Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.

The things we don't say

Recently I thought a lot about words that are never spoken, secrets that are never spilled and truths that are hidden behind lies. We are not talking about harmful things or bulling, but those tender moments that happen so often that we might miss them; those words between the lines that need to be looked for in order to be found.

First of all, I think nice things should always be said. When I was younger sometimes when I couldn't sleep I imagined having a terminal illness. I don't know why, it's the stupidest any healthy teenager can come up with but I kind of had this scenario in my head. I always wondered what I would do and I imagined writing letters to my loved ones. Soon I realized though, that when thinking about that I barely thought of my family. I love them and they know that. I wouldn't need so many words to explain them because it is plain visible. The people I thought more of where the ones I couldn't just express it as easily: the girl in my class who was funny, good looking and creative. My crush who I knew had many issues in his life, my dearest friends that I would never be able to thank enough for all the memories, this guy who literally is my best friend and so on.

Of course I never wrote those letters, I kept those thoughts to myself and stored them, only releasing tiny bits once in a while. When I grew older though I realized just how much it meant to me hearing similar words that I thought but this time about me. Being truly appreciated for little things, being acknowledged, even cherished... It feels amazing. I started taking screenshots of cute messages, word documents full of texts, pictures of gifts and so on. For a change I wanted to store good things said about me, to take them out again when I didn't feel good, during those though times that will find you every once in a while.

On the other hand I've decided to tell the people around me that they are brilliant. Sometimes I will not use the words "you are cool" or "I like you" simply because that might not always be the way to communicate. I have friends who I'm mostly using sarcasm with, so sometimes "You are a twat/idiot/stupid" means "I really appreciate your existence". I also assume that for some people around me it's exactly the same. A while ago I had a short talk with a friend of mine and she told me about her fear of missing out and having lost friends due to missing out in the past. I told her to look around and realize that even though she was away for a while, she still gets teased and made fun of from our friends, which clearly is their way of saying "it's like you never left", maybe even with a pinch of "we've missed you".

Someone once told me that behind every word of irony, there is a hidden agenda; something bad that we are afraid to show. At first I shrugged it off, knowing that I have used sarcasm multiple times for nothing more than a joke. On the other hand I do remember times and times when my words where true, but hidden behind irony. Maybe it's true that we are afraid to declare our admiration for someone because it might sound cheesy, but it could also just be that after a while the words "I like you" have lost so much value that we don't feel comfortable using them anymore. It could also be that we say some things that way, in order to conceal what we feel. It's not always appropriate to express your opinions; it can actually make people uncomfortable. I used to have this habit with my best guy friend in school to write each other the cheesiest birthday messages whilst not saying things like that during the year. I have found one of these messages recently and it made me so happy.

Yes I have tried to hide things behind a wall of sarcasm "of course I have a crush on him" would probably be the most used in high school (my classmates would not stop bugging me about this guy and I didn't want to talk about it so by adding a pinch of irony I made them think it wasn't true). Maybe it also was "I'm fine" (which is plain stupid. I started being honest about how I'm actually doing upon hearing this question, feels way better).

My life is an open book and that's the way I want it to be. There are very few things that I wouldn't share with my friends and even fewer that I keep all to myself (at least as long as we speak about my things. I don't spill other people's secrets). Still, sometimes it's not what you say; it's how you say it. It might be better to let action speak, or it might just be about the packaging, how you express your thoughts. Whatever you do, try to speak out the good words, keep the nice ones you receive and forget about the rest.

Maybe this was just my way of saying "sarcasm is good", or between the lines I just wanted to express "I freaking love the people around me so much, they make my life so lovable" without sounding too stupidly obvious. It's also possible that I just thought too much about those words left unspoken, that I really wish I could say, but probably never will ;)


Cheerio.

Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

A working human being

For a very long time I have been obsessed with his idea that I would only find purpose in my own life as long as I was seen as useful by society. That's part of the reason why I felt so bad during my gap year, sitting home alone wasn't giving me that feeling of satisfaction I was looking for. On the other hand I'm not that typical hard working person. I know enough people who invest their everything in one or more parts of their life up to the point that I sincerely have to worry about them and stuff like their sleeping schedules. I've always been a bit on the lazy things when it comes to getting things done and I'm rocking whatever task, as long as I do it last minute.

I'm a responsible human and sometimes when things do not work out as planned I take the blame even though I shouldn't. When I'm upset over something I'll consider what the other people involved feel and I force myself not to be upset because on some level I can always relate to their pain. I simply force myself to be understanding, loving and caring, to a point where I can't handle it anymore, because I forget the most important person in my life, the one I’m supposed to look after the most.

I forget that most of my emotions are real, valuable, and that pain demands to be felt. I tend to oversee the fact that I value other people’s feelings, so why not mine? There is no need for getting past a problem before it is fully solved. Why fight the symptoms when I'm supposed to get to the cause first, to prevent further problems to arise. I hardly ever take medication, and it's even rarer that I take a tablet just because I'm having some sort of pain. I either now the source of it or I'll suffer through it without chemical help. 

There is this quote that I have told myself over and over again which says life is not about existing, or functioning, but about living. So just to be a working human being, a useful part of society isn't what my life should be about, still I always find myself forgetting that in moments of leisure and I decide to call myself lazy instead of taking that time off for myself. We are not robots, nor puppets, programmed to act a certain way, each individual is unique and reacts different.

I'm a full bag of emotions and when I decided to ignore that several years back, because I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, they found a way to make me aware of it in new ways. All of a sudden, no previous warnings, I would get those awful waves of dizziness and terrible nauseas. I would not even comprehend the situation, why exactly, but after a while it was gone again. It took several month of this before it turned worse and I threw up on a regular basis, which caused me to eat less because I couldn't keep it down anymore, which caused more nausea as my body was aching for food that I wasn't able to eat due to raging nausea. Beautiful vicious circle. That started four years ago and it took me two years to get past it.

It's actually quite horrifying to have a body that feels like it can just stop working on you at any given time. I used to hate myself for what I looked like, then I worked on that because when you are as easily attacked as I am you don't need yourself pushing you down all the time. I even found a strange kind of optimism again that I was capable of fighting through it, which is probably gone by now, starved to death.

Now it's back since three months and I absolutely cannot fathom going through this once more, especially if I see how long it took me to get better. The worst part is I can't do anything anymore, at least that's how I feel. Last time I took some month off where I would still go to school, but apart from that I was merely looking for inner peace. Due to that I didn't go to a camp and I missed out on other fun activities out of sheer fear to be stressed out. Missing things you would’ve actually very much liked to do with people you very much love to spend time with is absolutely stupid. I felt so bad after such a day of being in, missing potentially making some beautiful memories with my friends, that it just added to my misery.

Today we have such a crap day once more. The guys from my youth group are organizing a LAN party (Pc-gaming) and I have literally been looking forward to it for weeks, if not months. I have practiced playing one of the games but this week my body decided to put me at my lowest again. It's currently almost 8:00 am; I've been awake since 5:30 with the highest possible amount of having slept two hours, probably less. My stomach is killing me so much that I can't imagine eating a lot today, which won't help myself tomorrow either. I wouldn't come far if I left the house and honestly, I feel too gross and low to be with them. I'm so frustrated and disappointed in myself that at six in the morning I started sending out prayer requests to some of my closest friends. Of course it's not about the party alone, it's about how I hate living my life so low profile that I don't get worked up, that's not a life worth living for. Besides, being excited for something causes a certain amount of stress and oh well, I don't like the idea of not looking forward to things anymore just so that I don't have to worry to be able to attend, that's stupid.

What am I supposed to do? Quit my responsibilities at youth group, stop working at the library, stay away from church, or quit university? (Jup more than half of my life is church, ok?) I don't have many things that I can cut down with and I don't consider doing it anyway, I refuse to give in. The pain of missing out would be worse than that.

On the other hand I need to get myself together once more. In a week's time I'll be in Mallorca again, and I assume that it will be exciting and exhausting, just like last year. With only a quarter of my energy level there is a high chance of me not being able to enjoy anything, and that sucks so bad I could cry. I feel like I'm in this hole in the ground and there is no other way out so I have to jump up to get to its edges and then use my strength to pull myself out. That sounds impossible to me. I have to think about that first, contemplating whether or not I'm able to face my demons once again and fight through. In the end I won't have any other possibilities, as just dropping dead doesn't seem to be an option. Besides, the first thing I'm doing now is trying to feel happy, because a good attitude fights those demons off like nothing else. Optimism, come back to me, I need you!

Yes I'm rambling, about a teeny tiny thing in comparison to other things happening in the world right now. Complaining is good though, it frees the spirit. I needed to be an egoist today and I might need to keep that up for a little longer, because I'm so bad at suffering in silence. Now at almost 10:00 I feel already a little better. I’ve talked with my brother about coping strategies because we suffer from the same problem occasionally, and as I decided against heading in to work today because it would've made everything worse, I might be able to change this day from horrible to ok, which would be amazing.

Thanks for reading through this if you did. I can hate on female stereotypes as much as I want, nothing helps myself like letting my worries out!

Hope you have a lovely day

Cheerio.

What do you want to do when you grow up

This question we all got asked hundreds and hundreds of times growing up. Last Wednesday I was at my old school's graduation as I still knew some people who just graduated and I just wanted to go back. The thing is, that there were quite some people that I used to talk to quite a lot and after leaving school I never heard of them again, so I just asked the small talk question probably everybody would, starting with "how are you doing?" and ending with "what do you want to do next?". 

Finishing school is the end of this very lengthy chapter of your life so far. I still remember how it felt, having spent two thirds of my life, most part of my conscious existence, in education and suddenly you are out in the open. What do you do? There are some real classics, taking a gap year, going to Australia or another country far away, learning a language, working, starting university... barely anyone I've talked to didn't have at least a hint of an idea what the next few month were going to hold for them. I mean, I was the same, the plan was very clear: finding a job, working, travelling, starting university the year after. That did not work out and I wasn't even surprised. I kind of knew that, as a chaotic person, life and I tend to have different ideas for the next step, but that is ok as long as there is a plan at all.

I get so terribly aimless when I don't want to achieve anything. There are people who are amazing just surfing on those waves that the ocean of life provides them with. I'm not. Even though I am lazy I always try to involve myself in, to have a say in it too, but that's not always what I'm supposed to do. If we stay with that surfing picture, there is the lying on your belly and chasing the wave just as much as the riding it. You need to practice until your body knows what to do without even thinking about it, until it's more of an instinct than a thought through act. That's when you'll do it the right way. (Disclaimer: I've never really surfed in my life except for the internet, but you know...)

Now when I look back to getting asked the title question as a child I can remember various jobs I wanted to do: doctor, lawyer, computer engineer, forensic assistant, high school math teacher and so on. All of these require years of studying and hard work, besides, most of them are natural sciences, which is not my cup of tea as I know now. As a kid we don't see it that way. I know that probably every second child in an American kindergarden wants to become the president of the United States. Probably no one is going to have the guts to tell those little ones that the chances are very very limited for them. 

When we are young we just dream, we don't see what it takes to get there, we just see the goal. Now that I'm older I should be different, I should be aware that the way I work as a human being, I can never have my dream job, because that's the truth. I've never believed in those seemingly obvious things though. A few month back I was at a camp were we talked about callings. A friend of mine who was leading that camp asked me to tell the story about how I discovered what I was called for. She is familiar with my story and I have told it over and over before, so it was no big deal. Whilst talking to that small crowd of about 20-30 people I realized an additional thing though. I did not just talk about how in a dream I saw that I was helping a prostitute get out of that business, and I thus realized that this was what I wanted to do, but also what speaking about my dreams has done to me.

I'm talkative and sharing. Usually when something bugs me people will know. My intentions are mostly clear; I'm an open book to read. By telling so many people about my job dreams I have given them the opportunity to see me fail. I dream big, I want to fly high, so the fall could be pretty awful. I know that at the age of twenty I could've done more, I could be further. I still have no idea how I will end up where I want to, if it's even possible for me or not. I don't know where it will take me. I've struggled so much recently with another part of my life that it starts to affect how I feel about everything else. I begin to lose trust in myself, my goals, my friends...

And that's where it needs to stop. This is not how I want to live my life. The word impossible doesn't exist in the same universe as God does. No one would tell a kid that it can't be doctor because the educational path is tough, because you never know if it'll make it. How I was four years ago doesn't define whether I can or cannot be better tomorrow. I know what I want to do when I grow up. I have not grown up yet, because that process will only end when I exhale my last breath. Until then I don't want to know about the odds of something happening, I just want to try my best to master this mess and during that, maybe I'll get lucky and achieve some of my well chased goals. If not, there will be some other good things in this for me.

Cheerio.

Ps. I'm kind of over apologizing for not writing. I needed a break and I took it, now I'm slowly getting into the mood again. Things hopefully return to normal now, but no promises.

Weird & Wonderful

Last weekend I was at a YouTube convention. Looking back it was one of the strangest but also one of the best days of my life. It was chaotic, I was in constant fear of getting crushed and my friend and I didn't even manage to meet everyone we wanted to meet even though we stood in a queue for two hours. There were several thousand of people and depending on who you wanted to meet the line was pretty long and some people kept pushing in from the sides. Some of the international guests have a subscriber count that is way over 1 million, which to me seems incredible. Before you judge me or the event though, you have to understand that I had the possibility of talking to some people that I watch weekly on YouTube and who inspire more than I can actually explain. If you are into YouTube and you ever have the chance to go to such an event, just do it, even if you don't like it you'll have made some interesting memories.

So the point of this post isn't to write about my experiences there, I just wanted to show you that when it comes to YouTube we are talking about this huge community that sometimes seems to benefit only the people who are already well known and us viewers are doomed to linger on the outer edges of the internet, even though that's not what we want. Sometimes it seems impossible to reach more people and to find your own voice in this big thing, but other times there are opportunities that shouldn't be dismissed.

Weird & Wonderful is such an opportunity for me. Last Saturday I queued for half an hour (we had a lucky start) to get a picture with one of the YouTubers who has over 2,2 million subscribers. Some people waited for hours and didn't meet him as there were just too many. The next day, on Sunday, I had a casual Google hangout with that guy's sister, alongside with about seven other people from around the world. The siblings I'm talking about are Caspar and Theodora Lee, two South African YouTubers. How on earth did I come from queuing for one to casually chatting to the other?

I’ll give you a short history. Theo might be older than Caspar, but she only started her YouTube channel after Caspar had some sort of success online. I don't think she misused her brother's fame, but who wouldn't use what's around them when they thought they had something to tell, so she surely benefited from it when she made her first video. She always tried to find her own voice though, as far as I can tell, so they only used the same media to get that content out they thought was worth sharing. Caspar’s more into comedy and Theo tried out different genres. Right now she is into worldchanging ;).

As of recently though Theo wants to separate what she is doing completely from what her brother does, in order to step out of his shadow. At least that's how I understood it all. She has called upon people all around the world to help her and to work together on this thing she decided to call weird & wonderful. Everyone who wanted to could apply and we are about sixty people now. It's not just about YouTube though, some are talented in social media, art, music, or in my case, writing. There is room for anything "as long as it is creative" to quote Theo herself. The main goal is to discuss difficult topics and to help each other out in difficult situations. Everyone has gone through different things in their lives, positive and negative, but every single person has a story to tell.

As I said, last Sunday we had a hangout, to get to know each other more, especially this time Theo joined us too. Most of the creators are teenage girls, which for me is very funny. They are incredibly motivated and such sweethearts. We have set up a whatsappchat and things never get boring there. Every other week we get a topic that we can do a project on and right now I'm working on my project three. 

Of course I don't know where this whole thing is headed, but it feels like the shoe fits so well right now. I love how my internet existence slowly turns into something more than just consuming. What goes along that line was that during the YouTube convention we were in line to meet another South African guy (I think they are my favourite people right now xD). I once was in a video of his about productivity. That video was filmed on Skype. So when we reached the front of the queue and I said hello to him he went: "Oh, your Alice from Switzerland, right?". I'm not a fangirl but well, that was my favourite moment of all. Someone with 30k subs remembers me, I'm working together with Theodora Lee and I'm part of this amazing online community? Pretty rad.

I wrote this post for two reasons. Working on W&W might take up quite some time. We all know I've been a lazy blogger anyway, so sorry if that continues. On the other hand I also wanted to introduce you to this part of my life that if everything goes according to plan might become very important to me. I'll try my best to not neglect this site though, so join me along this journey which is hopefully going to be as weird as it's going to be wonderful.

Cheerio.

P.s. I'll post the team's introduction video down below if you want to take a glimpse of "us".