Easy to carry along

I'm writing this post before I write something in my diary about yesterday, so the thoughts are still fresh and have not left my brain yet. Also usually I don't talk as much about my personal relationship with God, as again, it's probably the utmost private thing I have, but I want to share my thoughts here today. Also in this post I just chat about things that go on at my church, including things that cannot be easily explained as they are supernatural. I still try my best to explain everything briefly. Due to the length of this post I’m going to divide it into two parts, firstly some general things and then the events of last Sunday.

Last weekend I had a great time, even though quite a while I thought that this wouldn't be the case. Let me elaborate. Our church had some visitors from the USA who were on a mission trip in Switzerland. They all attend the same school that belongs to a big church in the US. I have not yet seen through it completely, but when it comes to that church, my church is kind of obsessed.

I really consider it unhealthy from time to time, and I have never made an effort to hide me being displeased. Yes, some of my friends are there, or they plan to attend, some have paid it a visit before. I'd never say they are some kind of fangirls/boys, following the newest trend. I believe that the movement there does a lot of good in the name of God and that I know nothing bad about them to say, but I still have a big problem with what's going on. Sometimes it seems that this church alone is good, holy and blessed. They listen to their music, watch their services online, read their pastor's books and all in all it looks like they are putting those people way too high above themselves. Yes, they are gifted, but so are people in our church. They reach more people, but since when is it quantity over quality? (I didn't say that the quality is bad, but from what I know they started out small, like everyone does)

You see, I'm not opposed to the work, nor the people, but I'm opposed to the hype. Some people behaved like we were going to have celebrities in the house, when all they did was using their God given gift for what they got it, serving. They probably received better teaching than most of us so they serve very well, but from what I got to know about them they also have a servants heart, which means they are humble. Before this weekend I was so distracted by what people said and how they reacted to their coming, that I myself put this group on a pedestal, just on a bad one. I'm more than happy to say that I was wrong.

There is a reason why I act opposed to the whole behaviour and I must admit it's not because I'm clever enough to see through people who just play along and are secretly dishonest with themselves. I get told that I'm reasonable a lot which is probably a good description and I like it. The problem is that apart from being reasonable I am also very passionate. If I'd let myself then I could easily jump on every bandwagon around me. I just don't want that all the time, so I keep that passion stored somewhere inside of me so it doesn't break loose all the time. That doesn't mean that I'm calm or anything, I have no problem to express myself and be a bit crazy, but there is one area of life when it's very different, namely everything that has to do with God.

I don't want to exaggerate around him; I just want to be me, and the most me I could actually be. I don't want to be shaken or swept off my feet, just because it happens to my peers. I don't want to lift my hands during worship because it's the norm at church. I don't want to pray in tongues, or pretend to be able to do it just for the sake of belonging. (Disclaimer, I don't say I knew of anyone who does that but could easily see it happen). Me and God, us, that's what I want. I want to honour him because I want to. I want to desire to follow where he leads me because that's my actual heart cry to. For me, God does not do anything to force me, he just picks up my hand and then we see together what's next. I'm not his puppet, instead we are a team. He talks to me in the way that makes me comfortable, he doesn't want to scare me and for me that shows just how much he loves me, as a unique person.

That was all I wanted to write about today, the second part follows Wednesday

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

defining your own freedom

 Next week I'm turning twenty years old. For some reason that sounds even scarier than turning eighteen was. I mean of course that's the age when you become an adult, you get to vote, you pay taxes and whatnot but in the end most of us were still very much kids when we got there and it was ok that way. Maybe you were about to graduate high school, you might've made plans to travel a bit, or your job training was about to be completed. Whatever it was, your life still had this unimaginable amount of possibilities open for you.

 There is something about being a teenager that means freedom. Maybe it's the lack of better knowledge or the fact that those hormonal beasts just can't be controlled anyway, but there are many roads open. You're free to choose what you want to study; you can never ever travel as easy as you can do now, the world lies beneath your feet. Yes you can still do lots of things in your twenties, especially when there is no hurry to have kids, but you have to be the right person for it. A traveller is easy going, adventurous. I have heard enough stories of friends who went to Australia during their gap year, whilst I sat on my couch in front of a laptop watching YouTube videos.

 Now I feel like the responsible side of my brain has taken over. I work, I go to Uni, I study, I go to church and youth group. It's somewhat monotone. The problem is I just recently discovered how much I adore not being tied to a normal life, how much I actually crave for freedom and the feeling of no strings attached. I thought that having found my place was what I needed. Having roots is a good thing and essential, but living in a golden cage would be torture to me as I seem to be having a rather free spirit.

 So much has had me thinking recently. Once again I look at my life and even though I'm not doing as poorly as I did a year ago, there is definitely more that I still want to do, so much things left to learn. I have a list of places that I want to see, some are not even that far away, but I just don't take the money and time and to actually move my lazy bum there. I'm also evaluating my own short- and long-term goals. There is a lot of faith in me that there is a plan for my life, maybe not for every little instant but for the bigger things. Am I right now doing whatever I can to get there, to achieve those goals? Am I wasting my time when I'm supposed to be doing something entirely different? It's quite hard to distinguish what I should do when. When is a time for quitting, when to endure? I have not a single clue; all I can is to try to make the best of it.

 So far I have not been such a person who wanted to escape normality by whatever cost it may take, but slowly I begin to realise how much the thought of that monotony appals me. How to evade it whilst still being a working part of society? I'm not one to drop out just like that, nor am I one to be pioneering and to make revolutions. I can't just quit my job because first of all it's a good one and I've had it worse. I kind of don't want to quit youth group because it's something that is dear to me, even when it's not always easy. I can't quit church because it's also a place where I experience some of the freedom I look for, though it's also the place that makes me feel restricted so much. Finally I can't quit Uni because even though for a short time that would make me very happy, it's not a good long-time decision. Maybe someday this stupid piece of paper that is a degree will be of a use. I even considered stopping to write this blog because I have not been happy with my online content recently. What am I even talking about? I just know that there is no quitting here, I just need to keep going. Sometimes feelings are tricky, mine usually leave the consequences to a future self instead of considering them in the first place, so I need to find a way to trick them.

 Yes, I realize where my main troubles lie, but as I said, knowing what to do next in life is quite a challenge. Where do I have to make cuts in order to refind happiness and to feel a little more liberated than I am right now? Is freedom something that is on my agenda right now?

 I don't know, that's just what went round and round in my head the past month. In the end I'm sure of two things: That once I'm at the finish line of my life I will look back and see how everything turned out just right. This means that in this very instant, I’m doing just fine even though I might struggle with it. The other thing is that finding out what that means exactly is the work and the adventure of a lifetime. No one is ever ahead of their life, everybody is in constant evaluation and recreation, you find your very on path and that's what life is about.

Cheerio.

My worst enemy

Growing up some people learn a lesson, namely that children can be cruel. I mean I was not majorly bullied back in school, but that was mostly because I tried to fit in a lot. Still I can remember moments when I was mocked. Especially music camp comes to my mind. Every person who slept with me in a room left for another, I was left alone. The kids locked me in my room with a chair under the door knob. I was called names (ok, I mean they actually called me the chemical name for water, but firstly I didn’t understand that back then and secondly they wanted it to be mean, the intention counts there). What I learned then was that words can hurt, but that I was also not going to take crap from every person who needed an outlet for the negativity in their life.

As a “grown up” there are very little people left who I allow enough power and access to my emotions to actually hurt me. I have trusted people but the scenarios in which they betray me, well they are limited I’d say. Still there is someone left who tears me apart on an almost daily basis. This person is a bully of an indepth knowledge of my every weakness that makes it seemingly impossible to get past it. I’m still finding my way out of this abusive relationship, but it’s a really tough call.

Who I’m talking about you ask? The answer is simply, it’s me. I am my worst enemy. I’m rather easy with forgiving others. My own mistakes? I carry them on my back year after year. One example for this stands out over all of the others though. There was this girl that I used to play sports with. I had nothing against here and I remember days in which we even got along fairly well. On the other hand there was this rather bossy girl (she did look innocent but she was rather manipulative), who had a leading position in our team. Both girls did not get along, why doesn’t matter. The bossy girl then decided to hate on the other, somehow convincing the whole rest of the team to join her, me included. We bullied her. Nowadays I cannot even imagine how I was so blind to do such a thing, but I was easy to be manipulated. Eventually the bullied girl quit. To my own luck the story doesn’t end there as this would be a very big shame.

Two or three years after her leaving, the formerly bullied girl and her family joined our church. I kid you not, when I first saw her again I was in desperate search for the deepest darkest hole to hide in and never get back out. Guilt is a terrible emotion, especially when you know that you’ve earned it. Unlike what I expected her to do, she did not blame me, she wasn’t mean to me or anything. Even better, she forgave me very quickly. I remember her sitting on my lap during Sunday school (we are talking about a person who is not even cuddly!). While it was ok for her, it was not for me. It took me years for what she did in weeks. I even remember one evening more than a year ago. Another friend and I had spontaneously spend the day at hers, playing video games. In the evening during the family dinner suddenly her mother said jokingly: “Who would’ve ever thought back in the day that one day you’d be eating at this very table”. I mean we had all talked about it and shared some laughs about my stupidity, but even back then it still had an edge to me, even though I’m mostly ok with it now.

There is a saying that goes: “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body, you’d have no friends left at all.” I probably call myself stupid twice a day, ugly probably once. I don’t trust myself. When I think of my goals, the only thing I see stopping myself from achieving them, is me. It’s like I’m constantly trying to fight my own shadow, and I’m losing. It’s a circle of negativity.

If you know this blog then you might’ve understood that I never end a post on a negative note. So there comes my life lesson. I am fighting my shadow when there is absolutely no need for that. There are worse problems than my poor little ego around on the planet. The most effective way to get rid of a shadow is to shine light on it, fight it with happiness and don’t let the negativity get you down. You might think that getting past yourself is impossible, at least you know every single trick of yours, but a shadow is just a pathetic poor and colourless version of you, so move on!

So now that I have successfully cheered myself up I should really write that paper that I’m not going to mess up, just because I failed another paper! I’m better than I was and I’m better than my failure

Cheerio.