Writing is a lifestyle

I call myself a writer. I feel like I'm defining very well with just this one word. I might not be a good one yet, but my life is somewhat pulling me into that direction more and more so I might as well be prepared to get better. Since I really took up that attitude I've realized certain things that cannot be unseen about what being a writer means.

First of all I'm open to plot bunnies. Plot bunnies are things that you observe around you that give your imagination a boost. For example recently I've seen a little plot bunny in form of a woman in her thirties, with her hair tied together in a bun. What was special about that detail was that in order to hold together her hair she used a pen and a pencil instead of anything else. So you see, it is very good to have open eyes during your everyday life.

I also started to channel my emotions. That doesn't mean that I'm able to control them, instead I use what I feel. If I'm jealous I'll write myself a note why exactly, the setting, the people involved and I try to describe it. I do that in case I want to ever use a similar situation in a novel. Of course I should not see my own life relatable to everyone, but right now it is so much easier to just start with what I understand instead of finding a general context.

By now I use about anything to form a story, as long as it just triggers my mind. Last years NaNo novel was formed out of the combination of a nightmare I had three years ago and the name of a guy I meet at a camp. The guy himself did not leave that much of an impression though, it was just his name that made my creativity buzz.

To be honest sometimes I feel very awkward about the whole writing attitude. Like when I realize that my next story will be entirely inspired by a guy with whom I've only talked very briefly, or that my next female main character is a product of me trying to draw my male main character and failing. 

It is also inconvenient when you have to be anti social because you just need to write down your thoughts immediately so they don't get lost. For example I'm writing those lines right now, seated on a train. Next to me I have an old lady that is nearly deaf and I already had to repeat a train announcement in a shouting voice in order for her to understand even though I nearly missed it myself. On the other side there is another one that looks at me kind of angry because I seem to be one of these teenagers who just sit in front of their mobile phone the whole time, when all I do is writing this blog post.

All in all, I love it. I don't care how many people get annoyed with me whilst I write because it's one of the things I love doing the most. I'm happy to be an observer, a dreamer and sometimes a stalker, because it feels very "me" to do that. I hope that all of you reading have something that makes you look insane when all you do in fact is living your dream somehow.


Cheerio.

Enjoy life and live the adventure - part 1

I've already told you that I was away at the beginning of August for ten days. I was in Mallorca and I spend a very good time there. But of course it wasn't as easy as me just hoping on a plane, there is so much more story behind it all. I'd propose you'd take a seat and just read ;)

First of all let me introduce you to what we did and with whom. We went on a mission trip to Mallorca, an Island belonging to Spain. We went there with an organization called Gospel Tribe, which is based in Germany. They have a bible school and organize outreaches to different places on a regular basis. This year was their third or fourth (Sorry can't remember) trip to the Ballermann, which is the German party zone on the Island. If you live in a country were german is a spoken language, you know about the Ballermann. Also on the island is the English Party zone in Magaluf. The goal of our project was to talk with people and pray for them if they wanted to. But now on to my personal story.

I still remember when our youth pastor told me about the trip for the first time. It was during the time that I occasionally helped out in our church's office due to me not having anything better to do. I just loved the idea straight away because unlike American’s we Swiss have too little mission trips going on. What I liked especially was the fact that we'd be a group of our church instead of just me as an individual having to join a group of people I don't know. Back then I really hoped that I'd be able to make it. 

One evening in January, the man who was organizing this trip came to our church to present what we were going to do. Again I knew that I wanted to go, but I just realized then that I couldn't actually go. I still didn't have a job after searching for about half a year. How was I supposed to pay for it? There was no way for me to sign up for it without having a plan settled what I would be doing by the time I left. Would I find a job, would I get time off? There were just too many unanswered questions.

You see, I gave up. But on the very same evening I changed my opinion once more. A man from our church, a friend of mine, got up to me and asked what I was thinking about that whole project. I was honest and told him I liked the idea but that there were too many unresolved problems, like the money issue. It didn't take him minutes to offer me the money. I remember standing there, not sure what I was supposed to do. Should I really accept that amount of money? Was that ok or not? I somehow wanted to go, but was I really sure? And what about the job issue? I was confused and overwhelmed, grateful for the opportunity. I got home and I was smiling, thinking that maybe it would all work out for me in the end.

In the end I decided that I would accept the money. I had to realize that if god organizes the finances, then he would also organize the time and everything else. Of course he did. So know we have a cut, I think it was in June when I started to doubt it all. I started questioning myself and loaded a lot of pressure on me. It was not only I going, but I felt like I was having more responsibility due to me kind of having a scholarship. Generally spoken I felt obligated to achieve something with all of that for more than just myself. Even though I'm quite talkative, it's hard for me to approach strangers. What did I even think when I signed up for going to Mallorca? I did not even like Germans!! There were so many things that we didn't know and when I talked to a friend who was going to we both said that we were not really looking forward to it. I started dreading the day that we left; on the other hand I was still somewhat excited because at least I would swim in the sea again and maybe tan a little on the beach, something that I didn't think I would do this year.

Again I was calmed down. The man who paid for my trip asked me if I wanted to come to his house group one day, to tell them what we were going to do and so they could pray for me and all. Of course I accepted that was the least I could do. What really touched me then was that they specifically prayed for my free time. They prayed that I would be able to enjoy my time, that there should be no pressure from anyone for me to achieve anything. It was exactly what I needed to hear and went from my ear straight to my heart where I felt relaxation all of a sudden. I was ready for the adventure.

The thing is I don't know what to tell you about the time we spent there. So much happened in these ten days, there is not enough space left on this post. It was amazing. If I wanted to tell you all you'd have to read a whole novel (or my diary, but then I'd probably kill you). Let me just sum it up. I've meet amazing people, I had good conversations, I barely slept, I cried out of happiness about three times, I realized that my life goals are still as important to me as they were when I was a little fourteen year old. I know that I need to fight to get what I want, but that nothing will really stop me until I'm there. I got inspired to take something up again that I abandoned about five times in my life, I changed my mind about Germans (I now love them), and I just generally grew a lot hopefully. I see my future in a different light and I have more plans than ever, which is just fantastic. I'm going to have some marvellous adventures if you ask me.

I promise to tell you more stories shortly, but right now all you need to know is that mission trips really form you. You go there for others, but you get so much for yourself. Await part two of this instalment ;)

Cheerio.

How to become a fighter

I've been away for the last ten days and spend an amazing time with great people. I wanted this post to be about my experiences on that trip but instead I've decided to postpone that one for next week. I'll still be touching something that happened while I wasn't at home.

I guess I've mentioned it quite often that I'm not a very dedicated person. I try, and if I don't succeed I just do what I can and then might as well give up. Usually I don't do my very best but just the amount that is necessary to still pass whatever task I'm doing. School is a good example there. When you write your finals you should probably study a lot and set your goals the highest you can. Instead of doing that I wanted to achieve an average level and other than working for school I watched series. My grades in the end were ok, you know, but it could've been better if I just worked harder.

 The thing is, as soon you’re out of it school gets unimportant. Not a lot of people care about the grades you had when you apply to a job, at least not around here. I struggled finding a job so much, not because my grades weren't that good but because I wasn't dedicated enough. I just wrote application after application, but what I should’ve done was phoning companies or apply directly by going there and presenting myself. You have to be though around this world nowadays, open and ambitious. That's exactly my problem.

That's why I'm so proud of this blog. My posts may not be the best ones, but I work rather hard for them, do a lot of thinking before writing and I update it on a regular basis. I could be better, but I know that I still have quite the distance to travel until I reach what I want with this site and with my writing in general so it’s a good field to practise in. 

Obviously I was still not happy with the rest of my situation, so what changed my point of view? Why did I suddenly decide that what I've been doing so far was not good enough? Well first of all I have goals that I want to achieve and all of them are things that are not the easiest for me. I always knew that I would get there eventually, but did not care that much how or more important when. 

The thing is I don't have time anymore to linger around. I see people achieving their goals at a young age and within me there is the urge to get there too. People plan big things and i feel like I do nothing at all which is not very satisfactory. Plus I don't have the energy left to be tossed around by life like a leave in a stormy river. 

My parents have already separated and that one was hard. After a year I felt quite ok with the whole situation, knowing my father wanted to keep the flat so I'd still have a home here in this town. While I was away my mum went to a lawyer because there where financial problems between my parents not yet resolved. They are now getting divorced and my father probably sells our flat. That combined with the fact that the whole Uni thing scares me so much deep down made it obvious that I needed to get stronger.

While I was away I learned a lot about myself and where my life is heading. I know more of what I want with all of my heart. I'll make sure to tell you more about that, but all you need to know for now is that one day I felt all my fears built up into this massive wall. That had already happened before, but this time I was fed up. Not for the first but hopefully for the last time I've decided that it was enough, that the little girl who is afraid of everything needs to grow up. 

Life is not fair. Not to me, not to anyone else. We have to seize the good moments and get through the bad ones. I've decided, and declare it in front of the internet, that from now on I want to be a fighter. If there is a wall ahead of me, I'll just run past it, head first. Anyone trying to stop me from achieving my goals shall be kicked in the butt. I'm putting on my armour, ready to fight. Trust me, I have a whole army behind me, of that I'm sure. 

That is not me resigning from ever moaning again. I'll still be hurt sometimes, still be complaining from time to time. I just refuse to let that stop me from becoming who I want to be. I prefer dying in a battle instead of hiding under my blankets for the rest of my life. I don't want to survive life, I want to live it. You might not see any difference, but I hope I'll feel one deep inside. Let's conquer the world with kind hearts.

Cheerio.

Reflective in perspective

Imagine. You just moved house and you walk down the street in front of your new place. There are some houses that you get past during your little exploration. You see a swing set in the yard of one house. You think to yourself that there might be a family with kids living there. As you walk on an elderly couple crosses your path and you smile at them politely. But be careful, there is a women approaching fast. Her dog is pulling her forwards. Finally you arrive at the end of the street, where you see an old mansion that has already started to look a little rotten. Whilst you followed the main street, you missed taking one of the small pavements leaving to big apartment houses a little farther away. You see them from a distance, but you can't imagine how many turns the street might take until you get there.

Now back to today. Five years later you call this place your home. You know that the swing set belongs to the gay couple living there. They've just never took the time to get rid of it. The women that basically ran towards you, is blind. Her dog is supposed to help her, but back than it was very young and not yet as well trained as it is today. Sadly the elderly couple doesn't excist in this form anymore. He died two years ago and she is now in a nursing home. You really liked them because they always seemed so happy, even after being married for nearly fifty years. Sometimes they've told you stories from their life and you sat on their porch for hours in a row. The old mansion once was a place were homeless could find a save place for the night, but they run out of money and had to give it up. Three years ago the government destroyed it and now they are planning more apartment houses. Finally the houses you saw from afar? Your best friend lives there. You walk the streets nearly every day and you could almost walk it blind. It's like a second home for you that you got to love over the time.

So of course all of these things where imaginative, but I wanted to get across a point. It's okay to make assumptions over something, but be open to let them go. Try to remember a place or a person before you really knew them, when they were still exciting and new. Think of the shell you saw, not the things that lie behind. We live in a world where we judge things by only seeing. If we stick around though we forget what we saw and start to see with our hearts. I think both are important. Sometimes it is important to take a step back and look at what was our original thought, what inspired us. Don't give up on something just because it hasn't lived up to your expectations. If it isn't worthwhile, try to make it. Maybe all you need is another point of view. Don't judge a book by its cover, but never lose track of the whole picture either. Just remember to remember.

So now I'm off for some adventures. See you in about two weeks or so :D

Cheerio.