For a very long time I have
been obsessed with his idea that I would only find purpose in my own life as
long as I was seen as useful by society. That's part of the reason why I felt
so bad during my gap year, sitting home alone wasn't giving me that feeling of satisfaction
I was looking for. On the other hand I'm not that typical hard working person.
I know enough people who invest their everything in one or more parts of their
life up to the point that I sincerely have to worry about them and stuff like
their sleeping schedules. I've always been a bit on the lazy things when it
comes to getting things done and I'm rocking whatever task, as long as I do it
last minute.
I'm a responsible human and
sometimes when things do not work out as planned I take the blame even though I
shouldn't. When I'm upset over something I'll consider what the other people
involved feel and I force myself not to be upset because on some level I can
always relate to their pain. I simply force myself to be understanding, loving
and caring, to a point where I can't handle it anymore, because I forget the
most important person in my life, the one I’m supposed to look after the most.
I forget that most of my
emotions are real, valuable, and that pain demands to be felt. I tend to oversee
the fact that I value other people’s feelings, so why not mine? There is no
need for getting past a problem before it is fully solved. Why fight the symptoms
when I'm supposed to get to the cause first, to prevent further problems to
arise. I hardly ever take medication, and it's even rarer that I take a tablet
just because I'm having some sort of pain. I either now the source of it or
I'll suffer through it without chemical help.
There is this quote that I
have told myself over and over again which says life is not about existing, or
functioning, but about living. So just to be a working human being, a useful
part of society isn't what my life should be about, still I always find myself
forgetting that in moments of leisure and I decide to call myself lazy instead of
taking that time off for myself. We are not robots, nor puppets, programmed to
act a certain way, each individual is unique and reacts different.
I'm a full bag of emotions
and when I decided to ignore that several years back, because I wanted to get
out of my comfort zone, they found a way to make me aware of it in new ways.
All of a sudden, no previous warnings, I would get those awful waves of dizziness
and terrible nauseas. I would not even comprehend the situation, why exactly,
but after a while it was gone again. It took several month of this before it
turned worse and I threw up on a regular basis, which caused me to eat less
because I couldn't keep it down anymore, which caused more nausea as my body
was aching for food that I wasn't able to eat due to raging nausea. Beautiful
vicious circle. That started four years ago and it took me two years to get
past it.
It's actually quite horrifying
to have a body that feels like it can just stop working on you at any given
time. I used to hate myself for what I looked like, then I worked on that
because when you are as easily attacked as I am you don't need yourself pushing
you down all the time. I even found a strange kind of optimism again that I was
capable of fighting through it, which is probably gone by now, starved to
death.
Now it's back since three
months and I absolutely cannot fathom going through this once more, especially
if I see how long it took me to get better. The worst part is I can't do
anything anymore, at least that's how I feel. Last time I took some month off
where I would still go to school, but apart from that I was merely looking for
inner peace. Due to that I didn't go to a camp and I missed out on other fun
activities out of sheer fear to be stressed out. Missing things you would’ve
actually very much liked to do with people you very much love to spend time
with is absolutely stupid. I felt so bad after such a day of being in, missing
potentially making some beautiful memories with my friends, that it just added
to my misery.
Today we have such a crap
day once more. The guys from my youth group are organizing a LAN party
(Pc-gaming) and I have literally been looking forward to it for weeks, if not
months. I have practiced playing one of the games but this week my body decided
to put me at my lowest again. It's currently almost 8:00 am; I've been awake
since 5:30 with the highest possible amount of having slept two hours, probably
less. My stomach is killing me so much that I can't imagine eating a lot today,
which won't help myself tomorrow either. I wouldn't come far if I left the
house and honestly, I feel too gross and low to be with them. I'm so frustrated
and disappointed in myself that at six in the morning I started sending out
prayer requests to some of my closest friends. Of course it's not about
the party alone, it's about how I hate living my life so low profile that I
don't get worked up, that's not a life worth living for. Besides, being excited
for something causes a certain amount of stress and oh well, I don't like the
idea of not looking forward to things anymore just so that I don't have to
worry to be able to attend, that's stupid.
What am I supposed to do?
Quit my responsibilities at youth group, stop working at the library, stay away
from church, or quit university? (Jup more than half of my life is church, ok?)
I don't have many things that I can cut down with and I don't consider doing it
anyway, I refuse to give in. The pain of missing out would be worse than that.
On the other hand I need to
get myself together once more. In a week's time I'll be in Mallorca again, and I
assume that it will be exciting and exhausting, just like last year. With only
a quarter of my energy level there is a high chance of me not being able to
enjoy anything, and that sucks so bad I could cry. I feel like I'm in this hole
in the ground and there is no other way out so I have to jump up to get to its
edges and then use my strength to pull myself out. That sounds impossible to
me. I have to think about that first, contemplating whether or not I'm able to
face my demons once again and fight through. In the end I won't have any other
possibilities, as just dropping dead doesn't seem to be an option. Besides, the
first thing I'm doing now is trying to feel happy, because a good attitude
fights those demons off like nothing else. Optimism, come back to me, I need
you!
Yes I'm rambling, about a
teeny tiny thing in comparison to other things happening in the world right
now. Complaining is good though, it frees the spirit. I needed to be an egoist
today and I might need to keep that up for a little longer, because I'm so bad
at suffering in silence. Now at almost 10:00 I feel already a little better. I’ve
talked with my brother about coping strategies because we suffer from the same
problem occasionally, and as I decided against heading in to work today because
it would've made everything worse, I might be able to change this day from
horrible to ok, which would be amazing.
Thanks for reading through
this if you did. I can hate on female stereotypes as much as I want, nothing
helps myself like letting my worries out!
Hope you have a lovely day
Cheerio.
