defining your own freedom

 Next week I'm turning twenty years old. For some reason that sounds even scarier than turning eighteen was. I mean of course that's the age when you become an adult, you get to vote, you pay taxes and whatnot but in the end most of us were still very much kids when we got there and it was ok that way. Maybe you were about to graduate high school, you might've made plans to travel a bit, or your job training was about to be completed. Whatever it was, your life still had this unimaginable amount of possibilities open for you.

 There is something about being a teenager that means freedom. Maybe it's the lack of better knowledge or the fact that those hormonal beasts just can't be controlled anyway, but there are many roads open. You're free to choose what you want to study; you can never ever travel as easy as you can do now, the world lies beneath your feet. Yes you can still do lots of things in your twenties, especially when there is no hurry to have kids, but you have to be the right person for it. A traveller is easy going, adventurous. I have heard enough stories of friends who went to Australia during their gap year, whilst I sat on my couch in front of a laptop watching YouTube videos.

 Now I feel like the responsible side of my brain has taken over. I work, I go to Uni, I study, I go to church and youth group. It's somewhat monotone. The problem is I just recently discovered how much I adore not being tied to a normal life, how much I actually crave for freedom and the feeling of no strings attached. I thought that having found my place was what I needed. Having roots is a good thing and essential, but living in a golden cage would be torture to me as I seem to be having a rather free spirit.

 So much has had me thinking recently. Once again I look at my life and even though I'm not doing as poorly as I did a year ago, there is definitely more that I still want to do, so much things left to learn. I have a list of places that I want to see, some are not even that far away, but I just don't take the money and time and to actually move my lazy bum there. I'm also evaluating my own short- and long-term goals. There is a lot of faith in me that there is a plan for my life, maybe not for every little instant but for the bigger things. Am I right now doing whatever I can to get there, to achieve those goals? Am I wasting my time when I'm supposed to be doing something entirely different? It's quite hard to distinguish what I should do when. When is a time for quitting, when to endure? I have not a single clue; all I can is to try to make the best of it.

 So far I have not been such a person who wanted to escape normality by whatever cost it may take, but slowly I begin to realise how much the thought of that monotony appals me. How to evade it whilst still being a working part of society? I'm not one to drop out just like that, nor am I one to be pioneering and to make revolutions. I can't just quit my job because first of all it's a good one and I've had it worse. I kind of don't want to quit youth group because it's something that is dear to me, even when it's not always easy. I can't quit church because it's also a place where I experience some of the freedom I look for, though it's also the place that makes me feel restricted so much. Finally I can't quit Uni because even though for a short time that would make me very happy, it's not a good long-time decision. Maybe someday this stupid piece of paper that is a degree will be of a use. I even considered stopping to write this blog because I have not been happy with my online content recently. What am I even talking about? I just know that there is no quitting here, I just need to keep going. Sometimes feelings are tricky, mine usually leave the consequences to a future self instead of considering them in the first place, so I need to find a way to trick them.

 Yes, I realize where my main troubles lie, but as I said, knowing what to do next in life is quite a challenge. Where do I have to make cuts in order to refind happiness and to feel a little more liberated than I am right now? Is freedom something that is on my agenda right now?

 I don't know, that's just what went round and round in my head the past month. In the end I'm sure of two things: That once I'm at the finish line of my life I will look back and see how everything turned out just right. This means that in this very instant, I’m doing just fine even though I might struggle with it. The other thing is that finding out what that means exactly is the work and the adventure of a lifetime. No one is ever ahead of their life, everybody is in constant evaluation and recreation, you find your very on path and that's what life is about.

Cheerio.

Today I'm celebrating

Today is a good day. It is a good day even though I’m busy, I've spent most of my evening studying for my finals next week, even though I'm tired and my head hurts. It is good because even though this won't be a long post and the day is almost over, I still wanted to share some words with you. It has not only been a good day because I spent some time with a friend and I had some very good conversations, but because there are more things for me to celebrate than that. Today is a good day because it marks the anniversary of two very good and pleasant decisions I took.

Last year, on the 12/12/12 I did two things. First of all I created a YouTube account. At some point I got annoyed by checking daily if my favourite YouTubers did upload a new video, so making a subscription seemed the next step. Later I realized on which date I did it, which made me smile. Of course I did not plan on making videos anytime soon, I was way too intimidated by this new world that lied in front of me. No, I just created an account, but in the end it was that that enabled me to upload some videos and I'm genuinely just happy about having YouTube as a part of my life. Btw, if you wonder about new videos, I'll try my best to make one this weekend and I will fill you in very soon about that.

I mean just that would be enough to make me happy (yes, I'm easy to be pleased), but there is something else that happened a year ago on this day. I wrote my first post. Well technically it was not my first, and this blog excists since 2010, but I gave myself a fresh start on the 12th of december. Since then I have not only posted 50 posts, which means I almost made it to a weekly schedule (ok I cheated and left out some weeks and wrote more than one post in one week, but you know, life is busy), I also know that some people read my words on a regular basis and that makes me happy. I get encouraged about my writing, even though I'm aware just how far away my goals still are.

There are also other writing related things to celebrate. On the 15th of November I had two pleasant events in my life as a writer. I did not only win my 3rd NaNo, no, my site here also got its 1000th page view. In case you are wondering, yes I love checking my stats, and I also love dates. It just excites me.

So here we are, me the writer, you the reader. You might not be as excited as I am, or maybe you are. What I know is that you just read my words, which is a very enjoyable present for me. Let us celebrate the little things, the small pieces of happiness whirling around. Everyday there are things to be remembered, anniversaries to be thankful for, and today just happened to be a special happy day for me.

Basically here is to that, to more writing, more reading, more videos and more creating and creativity. I hope there are even bigger things to come for all of us

Cheerio.

how a spark becomes a light

What is a leader? That is something that got me thinking about a lot lately. For me a leader is not a flawless or perfect person, no, that's just what I used to think. A leader is someone who knows his abilities, and in the mean time is aware of his limitations. A leader is not too stubborn to admit that he is afraid, that it doesn't work out, but the thing is that he still tries to do it the best he can. Another thing about leading others is that you need to be some kind of role model. If your personality is absolutely awful, then you shouldn't be representing others. Most important, practice what you preach. Your authenticity is your 'summum bonum', without it you can't be taken seriously and all you put in was in vain.

When I started to think of writing about this here I did some research and what I found inspired me even more. Most of the quotes I've seen said that you shouldn't send people to places you wouldn't go, and that's right. A leader is not only an organizer, no, he is a pioneer too. You shouldn't be forcing people to do things you wouldn’t do yourself.

In my life there have been some pretty good leaders, some of them were of course more important to me than others, some formed me and others just touched me. They used their free time to engage in something they believed was good, in a youth group, a camp, or some kids’ activities. I've always admired their strength and power and what they did. Deep inside I've always hoped to become such a person too, someone people trust, a reliable person who is there.

Also throughout my life I've seen how people invested in me personally, whether it's just keeping my back, saying something nice or actively spending their time or even money in order to keep me growing, the support just never ends. At first there are my parents, especially my mum who listens to my ideas and pushes me whenever I really need it. I'm not self confident, I don't trust myself and I feel like I could never accomplish anything. Surprisingly, there are a lot of people who would disagree, and those people taught me to believe that too. I'm a spark, a little tiny piece of fire, not bright enough to enlighten anything, but you know what, get me close enough to dry straw and I'll show you what I'm able to do.

So now this is something that is happening a person sees the spark within me and what's it to become bigger, to burn more. There is someone investing in me, is confident me. It's not all set yet, but there is a huge chance that something is coming my way. To say it with slightly varied but still famous words: This is one small step for mankind, one giant leap for myself. It's something I've been thinking of and decided that I was just not yet ready, meaning that I shouldn't aspire to it now, simply because I was too afraid. Of course life disagreed and told me that now IS the time and more exactly, that I might be ready to grow into a leader.

To be honest that is something I tend to forget. In order to be something, you need to become it first. So here I am, taking chances and leaping forward, slowly getting to the person I want to be in the future, ignoring the fear that is holding me back. Whatever comes next, I'll keep you posted!

Cheerio