The truth comes out eventually

Sometimes I feel like I only post here to make myself feel a tad less insecure about myself and to confirm that I'm not an awful human being. That's why I want to talk about a huge part about my personality, meaning the fact that I like to say things straight to people.

So at first I wanted to be honest with people because in the bible it says, you should not lie. But I'm not the person to just listen to such a rule; I could never make it without a good reason. When time passed I found several reasonable ones. 

Firstly, I really want my friends to know me for who I am, for example they need to know how much I love them, that's why I love to tell them, like to hug them and to complement them. I appreciate those people so much and I'm grateful to have them, that's as easy as it gets. On the other hand I want them to just know me, for me to be real, so sometimes I show too much I guess.

Secondly, I'm not the person to keep stuff down. When I had a crush on my best friend and I couldn't tell him, it was terrible for me. I used to get sick whenever he told me something about a girl he liked because I couldn't handle it, but on the mean time I had to be the cheering, bubbly best friend. That was so hard and sometimes I really wanted to hit the wall with my head, or even better, I got sick from hiding it. Yes I've spent several month having the urge to puke every time I even thought about being in any non-friendship relationship with that guy, just because he hurt me so much and I had to keep that all down. So now I have to confirm I've never been so relieved about telling someone something, as I was when I confessed to him that I used to have feelings for him (even though by that time I was completely over him, I still really needed to tell him.)

Thirdly, my father had a problem with someone once. About two years before I was born, my father was at a camp and somebody did something and he was not pleased about it. But instead of going to that woman and tell her "uhm sorry, but I'm mad at you because what you did was stupid" and her being mad afterwards too and them both knowing what was going on and finally, getting over it, he sucked it up. He never talked to that person again, and it's been twenty years. As it was a church camp it ended in him, a) losing his faith and b) starting to drink heavily. Maybe you can see why saying this out loud is so important to me.

I really wish I could say that I only tell good things, or that  at least I know how to say negative things the best, but most of the time I have no freaking idea how to say it properly. Usually it's just me being awkward, telling weird stuff and making a fool out of myself while creating a conflict where there wasn't one before. It's not always good, it's hard a lot of times, but I prefer being an open book. It makes it easier for me to survive knowing that I have friends who accept me with every flaw I have, that there is no need to hide my true color, as the song says.

To end this I really think that in a world where a lot of things are shallow, a little bit of truth adds zest to life, doesn't it?

Dear Society, screw you

Disclaimer: Society is for me a universal voice, but like a statistic, it isn't one person alone, but the mass of people in the world.

As I already said, I don't have a job, and as a person doing a gap year I should either be working, traveling or doing something useful. Well I obviously don't. So when it comes to meeting an old friend with whom I haven't caught up for a while and I get asked what I'm up to at the moment the situation gets difficult.

Usually I start with the fact that I graduated Highschool (in Switzerland you have to go to school for at least nine years. Going to Highschool and doing twelve years is an option; the other possibility is an on-the-job apprenticeship which is equally accepted). The fact that I graduated and that I am allowed to go to university is on the plus side.

Of course the other person is interested what I study. Taking a year off is ok, people nod in agreement when I say that. After that the worst comes. "So, what do you then? “ That's the moment when I awkwardly stare at my feet but answering is still inevitable. I start with saying that I worked a bit in summer and then I start mumbling about not having a job. People then get that look on their faces, pity mixed with something else, something that makes me feel bad for not being part of the well oiled machine that is society.

Sometimes I don't even know what's worse anymore. Is it the fact that I'm not satisfied with my own life, how I'm living it, or is it that I get those looks every time my friends and sometimes even strangers give me. 

That's not the only place where I and society do not get together. I already said in the post about my believes. I get a marked stupid as soon I say that for me it's obvious that there's a god. I get weird looks from some of my friends because I'm not into science, that I'm more of a philosophy and psychology person. You need to calculate chances to survive these days, but I don't want to, I want to be alive, not just working. I seem always to be a little odd, a little out of place, not very much, not that I'm an outcast, but just not quite right. 

It just seems that we all should be perfect pretty people, just following the same path everybody else already did, not trying, but succeeding in everything we lay our hands on. As if there was no other way of living than 'that one'.

So I decided to ignore what society tells me, and that I want to filter what kind of advice people around me give. They can help, but in the end, we all go through life on our own. I have to get up and look in the mirror, knowing all I'll do today is spending time writing and I'll for sure enjoy that, even though I don't get money from that. It's on me, not on them!

Go out with me? Yes, No, Maybe

So again this is an outcome of recent events. Two friends of mine announced their relationship a couple of days ago. For me it was obvious for a while that this was meant to be, so it didn't come as a surprise. I'm happy for them and to be honest, they are so cute together. Still, seeing them brought new life into the thoughts that were kind of haunting me lately. Ok, it's not like I have the option of a relationship right now (at least not that I knew :P)

We have a lot of couples at the moment at my church and when I see them together, I think about the relationship I might once have. The problem is I'm not even sure I want to have a relationship anytime soon. I'm a sucker for romance and have been that since I can remember, but that led to me being hurt sometimes. It was hard to overcome two heartbreaks, but last year I draw the final line to them. Seriously, both needed over two years, and I didn't even get together with one of those boys. I got my heart broken by my best friend and two month after that a guy had a crush on me and I had to say no. I can't remember what was bugging me more, both were bad.

So maybe I'm not meant to be with a guy, maybe I'm better off on my own, where no one can hurt me and I won’t hurt people. That thought hit me when I was at a camp and we had to fill in a questionary to find out what our calling was. In the biblical sense, to be unmarried in order to focus full time on god is a calling too, so one question was: 'Can you imagine not ever getting married'. I ticked yes while most of my friends could say that they definitely wouldn’t want to do that. 

There are more reason why I ask myself, like I'm not that cuddly. The new couple I mentioned at the beginning? Neither one of them was very 'touchy' before they got together, but they couldn't be separated on Sunday. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd enjoy that from my boyfriend. On the other side I do love hugs, but I don't like to be touched the whole time, not at all. I fear that I can't trust anyone enough to be that close to me, that my personality is not made to be with another human being for the rest of his or my life. 

Relationships for me lead to marriage. That is what I've been brought up to and I'm fine with that. I don't say everybody should do it like this, but it gives me at least a little security to know that things are serious and both partners are aware of that. The problem is, a lot of time marriage leads to having children, and I'd be scared to death of going through with that. Kids are cute, yes, but they are a lot of work, are a huge reasonability, and giving birth is terribly painful. So to be honest I'm not sure I ever want to have children and my boyfriend, husband, whatever should kind of understand that, or he will be terribly disappointed in me.

Another reason why I'm happy to be single right now is because I'll be studying in another town starting this September. I don't want to chain myself to somebody around here because I don't yet know about coming home at weekends. On the other hand having someone not from my city would mean even less time spent with my friends here. 

And did you ever think about the problem you get when you find your future husband now? I mean you'd literally glue yourself to a person for the next 60-70 years, at least when you a) life that long and b) have a fairly stable relationship. I can't imagine that.

All in all, I'm glad not being in the situation to choose right now. I'd rather wait till my life is a bit more in control and not that chaotic anymore. I don't say I can't have a boyfriend because I'm weird and stuff, luckily there's someone for everyone, but I fear more that I won't get the happiest I can be, maybe I'd be happier forever alone. That doesn't mean I don't fancy no one, in fact I do. I just don't see me with someone at all. So for now, let's tick maybe.

My internet self

It seems that lately I really started to find out who I am, and that means that I can now tell that my real world self and the person I am on the internet seem to differ a little.

For example, using nicknames provides me with the opportunity to say things, to confess stuff that I wouldn't do in front of people who know me, sometimes not even in front of my best friends. A good example for this is my previous post. They know I'm going through a rough time, but only one girl knows that I want to be death (but she knows that I wouldn't do anything to myself). She wanted to have this URL, but I can't give it to here, it would feel too much of two worlds colliding in a form that I don't want them to.

It's easier to be honest when you are wearing some kind of disguise, when you can tell people what's in your mind, without letting them into your life. I don't consider myself as a person who lives on the internet, even though I spend quite a lot of time around here. I have more real life friends, and deeper relationships with them than I have internet friends (I don't say it's impossible to have close friends on the internet, I just don't really feel like having them), but as soon as I'm really in trouble and need advice and help, I turn to the internet, where I feel supported and nobody can come back at me afterwards.

The place where I have my trusted online people is the NaNoWriMo site, in the teens section of the forums a group called the purple elephants. I feel really at home there and I'm accepted. When I, or somebody I know, need prayers and good thoughts, I know that people from all over the world, but mostly Americans, will take care of that. There is always somebody with an open ear. But when I feel like they get too close, or I don't feel like talking to them, I can close the tab and the only thing they can do is write me an intern pm, which makes it easy for me to be myself there.

I also thought about my identity online, meaning the names I use. Except for my Facebook page and two e-mail addresses, I keep my real name out of the internet. As a person who has an uncommon first name, I'd be afraid of telling it to anybody, so I go by Alice. Alice is not the same person as I am; she is a part of my personality. She is more open as I am, but she also expresses her low self-esteem. She has a strong mind and defends it, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone. That is part of me, but in the real world I can be very different from that.

Another name is started using nowadays is Akikinova. A boy once couldn't remember my name so I told him to nickname me and he came up with Akiki. Since then I used it as a disguise, since I don't have a lot of contact with him and nobody else knows that name. I added a Russian sounding ending to that, because Akiki is usually already taken. I love having an internet name that still is available everywhere. It gives me the opportunity to represent myself on sites like twitter, blogspot and maybe even tumblr through a constant name. I feel like I can develop who I am on the internet more easily like this, not having to switch between names.

I'm glad that I have the opportunity to share my stuff online, to be open without fearing to expose myself. It's not about who reads it, it's more about being honest without all the pressure your peers can give you. So thanks blog for listening to me, you are great :D