On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

What do you want to do when you grow up

This question we all got asked hundreds and hundreds of times growing up. Last Wednesday I was at my old school's graduation as I still knew some people who just graduated and I just wanted to go back. The thing is, that there were quite some people that I used to talk to quite a lot and after leaving school I never heard of them again, so I just asked the small talk question probably everybody would, starting with "how are you doing?" and ending with "what do you want to do next?". 

Finishing school is the end of this very lengthy chapter of your life so far. I still remember how it felt, having spent two thirds of my life, most part of my conscious existence, in education and suddenly you are out in the open. What do you do? There are some real classics, taking a gap year, going to Australia or another country far away, learning a language, working, starting university... barely anyone I've talked to didn't have at least a hint of an idea what the next few month were going to hold for them. I mean, I was the same, the plan was very clear: finding a job, working, travelling, starting university the year after. That did not work out and I wasn't even surprised. I kind of knew that, as a chaotic person, life and I tend to have different ideas for the next step, but that is ok as long as there is a plan at all.

I get so terribly aimless when I don't want to achieve anything. There are people who are amazing just surfing on those waves that the ocean of life provides them with. I'm not. Even though I am lazy I always try to involve myself in, to have a say in it too, but that's not always what I'm supposed to do. If we stay with that surfing picture, there is the lying on your belly and chasing the wave just as much as the riding it. You need to practice until your body knows what to do without even thinking about it, until it's more of an instinct than a thought through act. That's when you'll do it the right way. (Disclaimer: I've never really surfed in my life except for the internet, but you know...)

Now when I look back to getting asked the title question as a child I can remember various jobs I wanted to do: doctor, lawyer, computer engineer, forensic assistant, high school math teacher and so on. All of these require years of studying and hard work, besides, most of them are natural sciences, which is not my cup of tea as I know now. As a kid we don't see it that way. I know that probably every second child in an American kindergarden wants to become the president of the United States. Probably no one is going to have the guts to tell those little ones that the chances are very very limited for them. 

When we are young we just dream, we don't see what it takes to get there, we just see the goal. Now that I'm older I should be different, I should be aware that the way I work as a human being, I can never have my dream job, because that's the truth. I've never believed in those seemingly obvious things though. A few month back I was at a camp were we talked about callings. A friend of mine who was leading that camp asked me to tell the story about how I discovered what I was called for. She is familiar with my story and I have told it over and over before, so it was no big deal. Whilst talking to that small crowd of about 20-30 people I realized an additional thing though. I did not just talk about how in a dream I saw that I was helping a prostitute get out of that business, and I thus realized that this was what I wanted to do, but also what speaking about my dreams has done to me.

I'm talkative and sharing. Usually when something bugs me people will know. My intentions are mostly clear; I'm an open book to read. By telling so many people about my job dreams I have given them the opportunity to see me fail. I dream big, I want to fly high, so the fall could be pretty awful. I know that at the age of twenty I could've done more, I could be further. I still have no idea how I will end up where I want to, if it's even possible for me or not. I don't know where it will take me. I've struggled so much recently with another part of my life that it starts to affect how I feel about everything else. I begin to lose trust in myself, my goals, my friends...

And that's where it needs to stop. This is not how I want to live my life. The word impossible doesn't exist in the same universe as God does. No one would tell a kid that it can't be doctor because the educational path is tough, because you never know if it'll make it. How I was four years ago doesn't define whether I can or cannot be better tomorrow. I know what I want to do when I grow up. I have not grown up yet, because that process will only end when I exhale my last breath. Until then I don't want to know about the odds of something happening, I just want to try my best to master this mess and during that, maybe I'll get lucky and achieve some of my well chased goals. If not, there will be some other good things in this for me.

Cheerio.

Ps. I'm kind of over apologizing for not writing. I needed a break and I took it, now I'm slowly getting into the mood again. Things hopefully return to normal now, but no promises.

My worst enemy

Growing up some people learn a lesson, namely that children can be cruel. I mean I was not majorly bullied back in school, but that was mostly because I tried to fit in a lot. Still I can remember moments when I was mocked. Especially music camp comes to my mind. Every person who slept with me in a room left for another, I was left alone. The kids locked me in my room with a chair under the door knob. I was called names (ok, I mean they actually called me the chemical name for water, but firstly I didn’t understand that back then and secondly they wanted it to be mean, the intention counts there). What I learned then was that words can hurt, but that I was also not going to take crap from every person who needed an outlet for the negativity in their life.

As a “grown up” there are very little people left who I allow enough power and access to my emotions to actually hurt me. I have trusted people but the scenarios in which they betray me, well they are limited I’d say. Still there is someone left who tears me apart on an almost daily basis. This person is a bully of an indepth knowledge of my every weakness that makes it seemingly impossible to get past it. I’m still finding my way out of this abusive relationship, but it’s a really tough call.

Who I’m talking about you ask? The answer is simply, it’s me. I am my worst enemy. I’m rather easy with forgiving others. My own mistakes? I carry them on my back year after year. One example for this stands out over all of the others though. There was this girl that I used to play sports with. I had nothing against here and I remember days in which we even got along fairly well. On the other hand there was this rather bossy girl (she did look innocent but she was rather manipulative), who had a leading position in our team. Both girls did not get along, why doesn’t matter. The bossy girl then decided to hate on the other, somehow convincing the whole rest of the team to join her, me included. We bullied her. Nowadays I cannot even imagine how I was so blind to do such a thing, but I was easy to be manipulated. Eventually the bullied girl quit. To my own luck the story doesn’t end there as this would be a very big shame.

Two or three years after her leaving, the formerly bullied girl and her family joined our church. I kid you not, when I first saw her again I was in desperate search for the deepest darkest hole to hide in and never get back out. Guilt is a terrible emotion, especially when you know that you’ve earned it. Unlike what I expected her to do, she did not blame me, she wasn’t mean to me or anything. Even better, she forgave me very quickly. I remember her sitting on my lap during Sunday school (we are talking about a person who is not even cuddly!). While it was ok for her, it was not for me. It took me years for what she did in weeks. I even remember one evening more than a year ago. Another friend and I had spontaneously spend the day at hers, playing video games. In the evening during the family dinner suddenly her mother said jokingly: “Who would’ve ever thought back in the day that one day you’d be eating at this very table”. I mean we had all talked about it and shared some laughs about my stupidity, but even back then it still had an edge to me, even though I’m mostly ok with it now.

There is a saying that goes: “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body, you’d have no friends left at all.” I probably call myself stupid twice a day, ugly probably once. I don’t trust myself. When I think of my goals, the only thing I see stopping myself from achieving them, is me. It’s like I’m constantly trying to fight my own shadow, and I’m losing. It’s a circle of negativity.

If you know this blog then you might’ve understood that I never end a post on a negative note. So there comes my life lesson. I am fighting my shadow when there is absolutely no need for that. There are worse problems than my poor little ego around on the planet. The most effective way to get rid of a shadow is to shine light on it, fight it with happiness and don’t let the negativity get you down. You might think that getting past yourself is impossible, at least you know every single trick of yours, but a shadow is just a pathetic poor and colourless version of you, so move on!

So now that I have successfully cheered myself up I should really write that paper that I’m not going to mess up, just because I failed another paper! I’m better than I was and I’m better than my failure

Cheerio.

How to solve a conflict

Hey there, I'm terribly sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm in this massive stressing situations and I try everything I can to juggle all those things and I'm a massive fail. I'm sincerely sorry about not been having time to write.

I mean every word of what I wrote above, but it's also a good introduction to what I want to write about today. I bet every single one of us has been in the situation yet where things happened that weren't good. No matter if it was your fault, or the other person, arguments happen, people get disappointed and there is for sure a lot of frustration going on. I thought I could share with you the pieces of advice I gathered considering that topic.

First of all if someone does something that gets to you in a negative way, just tell them. There is no use in being angry with someone and not telling them, they might not even have realized that they did wrong. Having an open conversation never did no harm, and if it leads to a proper argument then there is a reason for it. There are people who get anger issues just because they are unable to talk about their feelings. Trust me; you prefer having a fight over being angry for the next twenty years.

First leads to second, before you actually go and announce a problem you should calm down first. I remember about three month ago a friend of mine did something that seriously pissed me off. It kind of included some other people who I knew wouldn't be around for very long, so I decided to wait till they had left. When I finally got to talk to that person I wasn’t madly angry anymore, but I still knew that she had to apologize or at least admit that she kind of did the wrong thing. We actually solved the whole thing like the true adults we (sometimes) are, but when I imagine what could've gone wrong and how we could've be mad at each other for a long time I'm happy how it ended up.

As a third point I have the whole thing about apologies. I remember as a kid when I acted up my Mum would accept my apology instantly, but she wouldn't make me feel like she forgave me before I actually said the words. Of course she was not angry for long, but I had to apologize first. Sometimes it felt, and it still does, like losing, as if saying I'm sorry is the equivalent of saying I'm weak. It is not. Admitting your own flaws shows that you are strong, but also that you are humble. It is strength and a virtue.

Now there is an important thing about apologies to be added. If you do it, then mean it. It shouldn't be a psychological trick or something. Also absolutely distance your words from what the other person might respond. Maybe he or she doesn't accept because you screwed up big time, maybe they need time as forgiveness is a process that can take a while. If that happens, deal with it, after all you just admitted having been an idiot, no need to commit idiocy once more right now. On the other hand we can assume that most of the time not only you did something wrong, but also the other person. Just because you seem to be reasonable and you show sense, doesn't determine that the other person does too. It would be great, yes, but your apology is a one man show. 

Oh and while we are at it, after admitting that you are a douchbag you could actually try to be less of a douchbag in the future, that would be very lovely and appreciated!

Let’s just say I got the utmost surprising apology of my entire life today and it kind of got overshadowed just hours after it. Still, if it was sincere then I appreciate it big time and I’m glad it took place anyway. It shows at least certain things. Sorry, not much of a specification here but some things are supposed to stay off the internet.

Anyway, I can’t promise to become a better blogger the next few weeks, but I’ll keep on trying my best.

Cheerio.

I give to many f****

I consider a lot of people my friends. It's not like I wander around looking for them though, it just happens that I think of a person as a friend after knowing them for a short while, depending on what we've shared. When I get along well with someone, then I consider that human being as a good friend. I honestly have at least sixty people that I count into that circle of good friends; I'd say there are even more. Now this isn't me bragging, I just try to bring across a point.

There is a problem though. Out of those sixty people, each one of them has a life, their own joys and fears. Everyone has problems and happy moments, and sometimes I can share one with them. For example a very close friend of mine invited me to her graduation ceremony. Of course I was happy for her that she graduated, but what we all didn't know was that the final paper she wrote got a special price. So when she received it (she had no idea either), I was very very proud of her. Another thing is weddings. I love to see the people around me marrying the person they love, so I try my best to attend every wedding that I'm allowed to go. Sometimes I get so excited about things like that, I fear that I annoy everyone around me.

On the other hand it also means suffering with a friend who is going through a hard time. I meet a girl online and I know she is cutting herself. She is only thirteen years old and lives far away, but within days I felt really close to her. Of course that meant knowing how she is hurt didn't just go past me. 

Even worse than suffering with someone it is to be rejected, or just the realization that you care too much about a person who doesn’t care for you. It happened that I considered a person a friend, just to find out that I was nothing more than a person they roughly knew to them. As I said, I’m a person to feel too much in too little time, so I shouldn’t be wondering about that. If that really is the case though then I need to look for distance, I need to figure out what my picture of this person is, how I see them. It might even mean cutting the ropes if I realize that I was wrong all along.
There were several moments in my life where I try to shut all those friendship emotions down. I've had enough of suffering with others; I just didn't want to care that much anymore. Sometimes people like me, people who just care too much, get hurt, and that isn't easy to deal with. It definitely would be easiest to completely shut down that side of myself, but then I'd miss a lot of laughs, opportunities to be proud and graceful for my friends, and I think that I'd be way more lonely. Our youth pastor's wife once said "love wastefully", and that's what I'm doing. I have so much love to give, and there is no need to store it. In the end you'll get so much more back than you were handing out anyway. Still I decided to look after myself too, I won't neglect my own happiness.

So what I'm trying to say, don't try to hide your feelings because you are scared to get hurt. You can't go through life without being harmed, but you can choose to get over it and still carry on loving others. That sounds to me way better than just hiding away licking your wounds.

Cheerio.



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First of all sorry that publishing this took so long, I'm being rather busy right now. I went jogging twice last week, once 57 minutes and once 68 minutes. I'm really planning on doing half a marathon in October. Another thing I did was I finished sewing on a dress I bought about five years ago. I had to adjust one part because it looked odd and I couldn't wear it as it was. I even managed to wear it to a wedding that I went to yesterday.