The things we don't say

Recently I thought a lot about words that are never spoken, secrets that are never spilled and truths that are hidden behind lies. We are not talking about harmful things or bulling, but those tender moments that happen so often that we might miss them; those words between the lines that need to be looked for in order to be found.

First of all, I think nice things should always be said. When I was younger sometimes when I couldn't sleep I imagined having a terminal illness. I don't know why, it's the stupidest any healthy teenager can come up with but I kind of had this scenario in my head. I always wondered what I would do and I imagined writing letters to my loved ones. Soon I realized though, that when thinking about that I barely thought of my family. I love them and they know that. I wouldn't need so many words to explain them because it is plain visible. The people I thought more of where the ones I couldn't just express it as easily: the girl in my class who was funny, good looking and creative. My crush who I knew had many issues in his life, my dearest friends that I would never be able to thank enough for all the memories, this guy who literally is my best friend and so on.

Of course I never wrote those letters, I kept those thoughts to myself and stored them, only releasing tiny bits once in a while. When I grew older though I realized just how much it meant to me hearing similar words that I thought but this time about me. Being truly appreciated for little things, being acknowledged, even cherished... It feels amazing. I started taking screenshots of cute messages, word documents full of texts, pictures of gifts and so on. For a change I wanted to store good things said about me, to take them out again when I didn't feel good, during those though times that will find you every once in a while.

On the other hand I've decided to tell the people around me that they are brilliant. Sometimes I will not use the words "you are cool" or "I like you" simply because that might not always be the way to communicate. I have friends who I'm mostly using sarcasm with, so sometimes "You are a twat/idiot/stupid" means "I really appreciate your existence". I also assume that for some people around me it's exactly the same. A while ago I had a short talk with a friend of mine and she told me about her fear of missing out and having lost friends due to missing out in the past. I told her to look around and realize that even though she was away for a while, she still gets teased and made fun of from our friends, which clearly is their way of saying "it's like you never left", maybe even with a pinch of "we've missed you".

Someone once told me that behind every word of irony, there is a hidden agenda; something bad that we are afraid to show. At first I shrugged it off, knowing that I have used sarcasm multiple times for nothing more than a joke. On the other hand I do remember times and times when my words where true, but hidden behind irony. Maybe it's true that we are afraid to declare our admiration for someone because it might sound cheesy, but it could also just be that after a while the words "I like you" have lost so much value that we don't feel comfortable using them anymore. It could also be that we say some things that way, in order to conceal what we feel. It's not always appropriate to express your opinions; it can actually make people uncomfortable. I used to have this habit with my best guy friend in school to write each other the cheesiest birthday messages whilst not saying things like that during the year. I have found one of these messages recently and it made me so happy.

Yes I have tried to hide things behind a wall of sarcasm "of course I have a crush on him" would probably be the most used in high school (my classmates would not stop bugging me about this guy and I didn't want to talk about it so by adding a pinch of irony I made them think it wasn't true). Maybe it also was "I'm fine" (which is plain stupid. I started being honest about how I'm actually doing upon hearing this question, feels way better).

My life is an open book and that's the way I want it to be. There are very few things that I wouldn't share with my friends and even fewer that I keep all to myself (at least as long as we speak about my things. I don't spill other people's secrets). Still, sometimes it's not what you say; it's how you say it. It might be better to let action speak, or it might just be about the packaging, how you express your thoughts. Whatever you do, try to speak out the good words, keep the nice ones you receive and forget about the rest.

Maybe this was just my way of saying "sarcasm is good", or between the lines I just wanted to express "I freaking love the people around me so much, they make my life so lovable" without sounding too stupidly obvious. It's also possible that I just thought too much about those words left unspoken, that I really wish I could say, but probably never will ;)


Cheerio.

On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: third episode

We made it to the final instalment of this series, as today is actually valentine’s day. As I said before, even if I was in a relationship right now I would not actually be doing anything else today as I’m doing anyway. I was reminded by a friend yesterday that this day was mostly pushed by the industries in order to make more money. I know that and obviously you should celebrate love every day, not just once a year. I hope we’re clear now? Well then, off to today’s topic

We had flirting, we had dating, and the most obvious conclusion for this trio would be talking about relationships. My problem with that is the fact that I have zero personal experience with that. To top I think I could even admit that the past few month I’ve even been a very happy single. I don’t see the point in fixing myself on one person at this stage of my life. I’m free, I have two regular jobs, live at two places, have different circles of friends and all in all, there are not much boundaries that I have left. If I had a boyfriend then I would have to take time for him. I usually try to keep up with my friends, but being in a relationship means being exclusive, having some obligations. Plus I doubt that I have met the right guy yet.

Apart from lacking the urge to tie myself to some random dude I’m still secretly an expert with relationships. That’s something that is actually quite common, people with low experience but with somewhat of a natural understanding giving relationship advice to others. Don’t ask me why. Most of my knowledge is out of reading way too many books. You get a lot of love stories in almost every book, huge varieties of situations, different couples. Also it helps to talk with people, older ones, younger ones, people who have had a relationship that failed, people who go strong for a while... It’s not that hard to figure some points out.

The first real I was thought about guys by my parents was: never start a relationship if you could not imagine marring that person in the long run. Keep everything in perspective. I’m totally against too much pressure, especially in the beginning as this phase should be enjoyed by the couple; on the other hand it’s crucial to be aware where exactly you stand. There was enough insecurity when both people had not yet confessed their feelings. After all, to be genuinely open is very important. It’s not about picking a fight every time your significant other makes a little move that annoys you, but if you’re constantly unhappy, if it’s something that bothers you every time it happens then it’s probably best to just speak it out as soon as possible.

The third point is that while it is important for you to spend time together, you also should not forget about your friends. It’s very likely that forgetting the first will not happen so easily, I have seen enough people who happen to lose every little bit of focus as soon as their “other half” walks in. What I’ve seen and heared about a lot though is that people forget to find room in their agenda for people who are not that one person. Of course enjoy the pink bubble your in, but if everything falls apart, which has happened before and will happen again, then you need to be sure to have people that pick you up from the ground. I have lost a dear friend to a guy who forbid her to meet me and her other close friends, due to a misunderstanding. Even when I apologizes, ceveral times, he ignored it. That was the moment when I promised myself never to let that happen to me and about three girls around me have the official allowance to slap me if I forget about that ;)

Finally the forth advice: Enjoy it. There is a saying that goes; love as if you’ve never been hurt. I think when most of us grow up we lose our hearts once or twice, maybe more. As far as I know that does not end well in many cases. It’s ok to get ones heart broken, but you should never allow yourself to break too. Don’t get cold heated, it would be a loss to the world.

I think, unlike the “holiday” that tries to celebrate it generally, that love is great. Celebrate it every day, find a date that is special to just the two of you instead of focusing on the world and what you have to do after what society says. Love is unique and not to be put in a box of chocolate!

I hope you have a lovely day, embrace singlehood or celebrate your partner, it’s probably where you are supposed to be right now.

Cheerio.

I give to many f****

I consider a lot of people my friends. It's not like I wander around looking for them though, it just happens that I think of a person as a friend after knowing them for a short while, depending on what we've shared. When I get along well with someone, then I consider that human being as a good friend. I honestly have at least sixty people that I count into that circle of good friends; I'd say there are even more. Now this isn't me bragging, I just try to bring across a point.

There is a problem though. Out of those sixty people, each one of them has a life, their own joys and fears. Everyone has problems and happy moments, and sometimes I can share one with them. For example a very close friend of mine invited me to her graduation ceremony. Of course I was happy for her that she graduated, but what we all didn't know was that the final paper she wrote got a special price. So when she received it (she had no idea either), I was very very proud of her. Another thing is weddings. I love to see the people around me marrying the person they love, so I try my best to attend every wedding that I'm allowed to go. Sometimes I get so excited about things like that, I fear that I annoy everyone around me.

On the other hand it also means suffering with a friend who is going through a hard time. I meet a girl online and I know she is cutting herself. She is only thirteen years old and lives far away, but within days I felt really close to her. Of course that meant knowing how she is hurt didn't just go past me. 

Even worse than suffering with someone it is to be rejected, or just the realization that you care too much about a person who doesn’t care for you. It happened that I considered a person a friend, just to find out that I was nothing more than a person they roughly knew to them. As I said, I’m a person to feel too much in too little time, so I shouldn’t be wondering about that. If that really is the case though then I need to look for distance, I need to figure out what my picture of this person is, how I see them. It might even mean cutting the ropes if I realize that I was wrong all along.
There were several moments in my life where I try to shut all those friendship emotions down. I've had enough of suffering with others; I just didn't want to care that much anymore. Sometimes people like me, people who just care too much, get hurt, and that isn't easy to deal with. It definitely would be easiest to completely shut down that side of myself, but then I'd miss a lot of laughs, opportunities to be proud and graceful for my friends, and I think that I'd be way more lonely. Our youth pastor's wife once said "love wastefully", and that's what I'm doing. I have so much love to give, and there is no need to store it. In the end you'll get so much more back than you were handing out anyway. Still I decided to look after myself too, I won't neglect my own happiness.

So what I'm trying to say, don't try to hide your feelings because you are scared to get hurt. You can't go through life without being harmed, but you can choose to get over it and still carry on loving others. That sounds to me way better than just hiding away licking your wounds.

Cheerio.



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First of all sorry that publishing this took so long, I'm being rather busy right now. I went jogging twice last week, once 57 minutes and once 68 minutes. I'm really planning on doing half a marathon in October. Another thing I did was I finished sewing on a dress I bought about five years ago. I had to adjust one part because it looked odd and I couldn't wear it as it was. I even managed to wear it to a wedding that I went to yesterday.

My best friend is beautiful

So I was not sure what I was going to write about this week, there was a tie between two topics that I had in mind since I started blogging again. The friendship topic won obviously. So friendship in general means a lot to me, I don't even want to imagine where I'd be without the amazing people around me, but today I want to write about two special people. I was fortunate enough to not only find my best female friend, I even found a guy to be my best male friend too. So here I want to write about those two people who mean a ton to me. 

I can still remember when I got to know my best friend, who usually prefers to go by the name of Marina on the internet. It was in the halls of my school, she was talking with our share friend Vanessa. As far as I remember, she wore a shirt with a printed tie on it and I thought how she seemed to have a good fashion sense. How we really started to hang out is now hard to recollect, but it took us quite a while. It went from eating lunch in a group of three to four, to a birthday party and finally to spending more time together more and more frequently. I may sound like I'm in love or something, but for me having a best friend, a sister, a twin, always felt like a huge deal. I wanted and needed something like that in my life.

I'm not sure if you can relate, but when you were younger did you ever watch so called BFF's on television, in cartoons or movies, and all you could do was wanting to have someone like that? or maybe you had people around you, siblings, parents, friends, who had that kind of thing. I was really girly about that, I wanted to have sleepovers, and doing each other’s hair and make-up, having long talks and doing crazy stuff together. The thing was, when I looked around in primary school there were nice girls, but none of them had the potential to be what I wanted to have, even though that may sound idiotic to you.

I remember being in 4th grade, praying to God that a family would move to our appartment house, with a girl my age that looked like me and went to school with me and basically was a second me. And of course that didn't happen. What did happen was that I met this crazy, extroverted, japanloving, cooking, caring and lovable creature, who is always late but no matter what, that I can call my best friend. She looks a bit like me, that's why people sometimes are confused about who is who, but apart from that we are not that similar, and that is the point. I didn't get a copy of myself, I got another half. Like you and your siblings might be quite different, so are Marina and I, but you know, you can't choose your family. I think what goes hand in hand with that is that I'm completely adopted by her family, I really feel at home when I'm at her's, even when she isn't there and I'm with her mum or her brother.

I would seriously not trade her for anything in this world and as far as I'm concerned we'll stay friends forever, even though this is even more girly. Plus she agrees with me and says that befriending Vanessa, who was the one to introduce us to each other, was one of the best decisions she made. I agree whole heartily. Oh and don't get me wrong, I have other people who are very very very dear to me, but as I said, the best friend title needed to be rewarded to someone. 

But where there is a female, there also needed to be a male version. For me being friends with guys was hard. I've always surrounded myself with females, because let's be honest, guys are annoying (at least that's what I used to think). The only males allowed around me where my brother and occasionally his friends, apart from them I just couldn't handle male beings. What made this even worse were the two years I spent going to school with only girls. At my school we had to many girls, so when they made classes (you have every subject in the same group of people, that's what we call a class), they decided to make an all-girl one. So at church I didn't have male friends, because that's just how it was, and in school I didn't have any either. That lead to me feeling very awkward around guys. 

So my best guy friend, who I like to call Coco, went to school with me for four years. If I'm honest, I first had a crush on him, which made it impossible for me to talk to him (I used to be terribly tongue tied when it came to that). After we went to school together for one and a half years, my class went to Spain to do a short exchange trip. One day we went to a theme park and the whole group started the day together. After a while Coco wanted to go on certain rides again, but no one would join him. You have to know that I'm terrified of rollercoaster, I really hate them, but I felt so sorry for him so that I decided to go with him, despite the fact that I still had a crush on him. I'd like to call that one of the best decisions of my life.

After we all got back from Spain we started chatting on MSN occasionally. Some time later he really started opening up to me and told me things that he never told anyone else. I was really flattered about how open he was, and I couldn't help but opening up myself too. For a certain amount of time I felt like an agony aunt, but we managed to get over that. In my opinion we have a lot of history anyway. Through him I learned that guys aren't just stupid and annoying, but that there is of course more behind all that. I don't know how to explain it, but I really grew on our friendship, even though it wasn't always easy. I think unlike Marina, he’d be embarrassed to read such a text about him, but on the other hand we were always cheesy anyway.

The sad thing is I've only seen him twice since we graduated last summer, but I hope to always call him my best friend because you know what? Friendship does not define about how often you see each other, or what you do when that happens, but about what you feel when you receive a text, you meet, or you just hear from them. I'm always smiling very widely.

So yeah, this was a little post about two people that are irreplaceable in my life’s story. I want to write about my other friends sometimes soon too, but that was all for today.

Cheerio.