Love is in the air...

Before you even start thinking about it: no, I'm not going to confess my undying love towards someone in this post. If you expected that, then you are more than welcome in the queue of people around me who think I need a boyfriend. It's more of a fact, as spring is now finally happening here, some people get all twitterpated.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that single women of a certain age must be in want of a guy in her life". Ok, I'm sorry to edit Jane Austen a bit here, but honestly? What she said back then and what I'm experiencing right now is a bit similar. Of course I'm not an old maid or anything, but there are already people out there commenting on me being single, why ever. Since about the age of thirteen, when every girl I knew started to "like" boys, I had my crushes too. Not because I was forced, my feelings were sincere, but even back then, I made some decisions others didn't make. When my female friends started to actually get to know those guys better, when they started dating, the gap between them and me started growing. I completely missed the point of dating someone that young, as I wanted to have a serious relationship. I was taught not to date a guy that I couldn't at least imagine me marring later. I knew that I was too sensitive as to just try something out; I just didn't want to be hurt. So whenever we talked about guys I just told them who I fancied that time, but always told them that there wouldn't be more between us. At some point they then tried to convince me different, or the tried to pair me up with someone, which I absolutely disliked.

At first this was just a school thing, as my friends there didn't understand what I meant with a stable relationship and the whole marriage-is-important-thing. At church they understood what I meant, they even approved of it. But you know what, just because you are attending a church the rumours won't stop. It's not about being over curious or even mean, it's just a natural thing that people care about such stuff. So let's get to the reason why I'm writing this today, about both, church and non-church friends that mean too well for you.

I've seen some of my friends starting relationship over the past year and that makes me really happy for them. There is just one thing which is sometimes very annoying. As soon as they are happy, they want you to be as happy as they are. Of course this is lovely and nice, but what they don't consider is the possibility that you might be alright in the situation you are right now. I'd like to be in a relationship at some point, but right now I see no need for that, I am happy exactly where I am, and how I am.

So a couple of weeks ago I was at a friend's birthday party. I got there by bus and in the bus there was a male friend of mine. Of course we started chatting and eventually we arrived there together, what a surprise. I didn't know my friend's parents, so when I and that guy got there together, the mother instantly thought of us as a couple. I managed to figure that out and to clear up any misunderstandings. That wasn't the end of course. I then started talking with another male friend, who is happily in a relationship, and we talked about that topic again. He then told me that he suspected something between me and someone else. I then thought about the shared friends we had and was eventually able to figure out myself who he meant. Yes, you definitely fancy every guy you talk to on some kind of regular basis, because that's how it just is. My evening was completed when a third guy, also in a relationship started to randomly drop names and check my reaction for any interests. Yes, thank you, I can't decide myself who I fancy, I definitly need your help man.

All of this might come across a bit sarcastic, but to be clear, I'm honestly entertained by this. I just recently had an hour long conversation with a female friend about a guy, because she really wants to see us together and there is no way that will ever happen. Of course I played along, because sometimes people won't be stopped until they had what they wanted, or they said it. Yes it was very funny and all, but none of it could be taken seriously. If it's just between me and friends, and the guy we are talking about isn't involved somehow, then it's all fun and games, but don't you dare bring up this topic when they are around. Don't make my friendships awkward in any kind of way, or I'll get angry. We can joke around forever, but when it comes to real relationship, then I can handle it myself. Of course there is one exception, meaning that whatever guy has actually caught my interest, has a role too. Everybody else is politely asked not to put one's nose in other people's business. Thank you sincerely.

Cheerio.

Being alive feels like being in love. Constantly

So I don't claim to have understood it all, I don't say everybody feels the same, but right now, this is the only way I can explain what I feel.

You know how when you are in love for the first time you feel like nobody will ever grasp how you feel for that special someone? People can relate, but they can never understand how you as an individual feel exactly and you are sure that no one has ever felt as much as you do right now. Being in love for the first time means overwhelming emotions. Most of the time it hits us when we are young and unprepared, it feels like a never ending rollercoaster, with it's over joyous ups and its devastating downs and sometimes, your not even sure if you feel something at all.

Right now, in this very moment, and in various moments before too, what I feel when I think of the fact that I'm alive and breathing, is exactly that. When you're in love there are two types of days. There are the good ones, where the sun is brighter, the grass is greener than the day before and every love song is written just for you. Those are the days when only thinking of that someone is enough to carry you through a whole day, whatever might happen, it's enough to know that you live on a planet where he/she exists. You are just happy.. That's how I feel now. I'm happy, everything is good, and I can see a big amount of good things coming my way that I get the impression that it might stay this way forever, that  might feel like this forever. 

But you know what? Sadly there are the bad days too. Those days you realize that your feeling won't be reciprocated. The sad realization might hit you over and over again, because you are blinded by your feelings and you might even be in denial about it, but deep down you know that even if there ever was a chance for you, then there is not one right now, that everything was just in your head. Those are the days when you feel hopeless, like you'll never be happy again. I've had enough of these days, I know how heavy they feel on your shoulder, how they make you breathless and numb. At some point you might even try to gather the strength to end the relationship. In terms of life that might be a deadly decision, but most of us overcome this state of mind after a while.

The problem is, a human being might give in, you get a response to your feelings at some point, but life won't. it feels like it's better on some days than on others, but it's the same every day, so it is now time to change perspective. What if you see every phase of your life as a different love, not life in general but different parts of it?

As a kid, life is a good friend. Later it's your first love, you make mistakes and at some point you break up, which makes you feel sad for a while. Eventually, you feel better and fall in love again. This time it's more stable, you are ready for more serious things, maybe ready for forever. Of course this doesn't keep up, the feelings might fade away, but you need to keep holding on to it. At some point you realize that forever isn't as easy as you thought it was, that life is supposed to be a rollercoaster and that love alone doesn’t last forever anyway. When you get there, the only thing I hope is that you can remember at least Emily Dickinson words: "Forever  is composed of nows". Feel the moment, and at some point even what feels like forever will have passed in an instant. So don't love forever, just love now and you might be in love all over agian.

Cheerio.

Write as if no one is reading

Even though I still know exactly how many people I gave the link to this blog, I found myself controlling what I wanted to write more and more the past few days. Of course I did a bit of promoting elsewhere, whether we talk about links on my YouTube channel or when I make a answer on another blog, but whoever gets on my blog through that, seems to be interested in whatever I produced to get them here, so it's a completely different. The thing is I just happen to worry too much about what others may or may not think of me.

Whenever I started writing a post in my head lately, I found myself censoring little things that I was insecure about, especially due to some people being able to read this. I didn't think that the general topic was bad, but more about what I reviled about myself and maybe others could be used against me. Of course I don't want to offend anyone in general, but if you built your opinion about me solely from what you read on here I don't have to fear anything, because it means that right now, I don't know you. What made me scared was the fact that it could change the opinion some have about me, namely of people that I see on a regular basis, or even worse, of people whose opinion I care about.

It shouldn’t be solely orientated about people I know, it should also be about people I don't know yet.. Right now, on this date, I get about 2-3 page views a day. It's not much, but at the end of a month it adds up to a nice number. It means that I might have people actually interested in my writing, and not part of a "friendship support" as I like to call it.

The thing is, here I can express myself. I don't promote this blog on Facebook, and whenever I share it with someone I explain certain posts. Some months ago I wrote about me feeling sad a lot. I was scared that my friends could take that one post wrong, that they might start to worry about me, even though there was nothing for them to be afraid of. Lately I thought about different things. For example about me sharing my opinions on Christianity or just simply, repeat a conversations I had with friends. The thought that one of those people reading would find my conclusions weird, or wrong, made me insecure about my own writing, which I really shouldn’t be.

I want to become better at writing and in order for that I need to practice it in any form. This blog is a great chance for that, but it's also a way to get to know myself a little better.

This whole thinking lead to one thing, namely a Quote by Souza “Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth.” This may sound simple, and even worse, childish, but since I heard it the first time I loved it. I want to do that. I want to be known as a person who is straight forward. I want to be able to express my opinions on here, because this is the place where I have absolute power ;).

To sum this all up, the content on here won't change; this was just a little inside into my head. On the other hand I wanted to reassure myself that is ok for me to talk freely. And last but not least, if you are a friend of mine reading this and something seems utterly strange to you, then just tell me in person and I have absolutely no reason to even worry about that. (Oh and I don't say you gave me reasons to worry, I just did it anyway).

Cheerio  

As it seems YouTube did a thing...

Yes, as of the day before yesterday, there now is a regional YouTube page for Switzerland, meaning there is the address youtube.ch. When I first heard of that I wasn't that impressed as I thought it was nothing spectacular, but a friend of mine changed my point of view a bit. This post will explain at some point how YouTube works, at least what I understood so far.

As you might or might not know, I've fallen in love with YouTube lately. I did two videos, the third is in the process of being done (I need to refilm it as I hate what I did...), but to this point I'm rather consuming than producing. When said friend announced on twitter that it's now easier to become a YouTube partner and that at some point we might even get a creator space, I started to realize what that really meant for the local YouTube Community. So at first let me explain you those two things, "YouTube Partner" and "Creator Space"

There is a thing called the partner program, I don't know the Swiss rules yet, but in the UK you need to have 10'000 subscriber and you can get into that program. It includes some perks like getting money from your video's ads and the possibility to go to the creator space

The creator space is literally one of the coolest things ever. The first was opened in London, there are two in the USA and one opens in Tokyo really soon, at least as far as I know. It's a place where YouTube partners can hang out, film collabs and even get professional help on their work. Also there aspiring but not so famous creators get teachings on how to improve their content. So if we'd get one of those, it would be a huge chance for the Swiss YouTube community.

I can see a problem there though. When I asked my twitter friend how many Swiss vloggers, or youtubers at all, she knew, she had admitted that she knew none, just like me. Where are all the creators here? I'm sure they're out there, not yet known. So maybe this whole YouTube thing gives us a voice. Maybe my friend will start producing stuff, maybe I will, and of course others are already doing great stuff. Let's see what we get out of this. I've heard that it might be a chance for musicians, but I'd really like to see about sketch makers and vloggers, maybe some make-up gurus too.

I still continued to make a little research and found a Swiss vlogger. The thing is her videos are German, and I'm not sure about how I like that, I mean it wasn’t „originally Swiss“, as it wasn’t swiss-german, but it wasn’t as international as it could’ve been if she used English. There are good German youtubers out there, and I don’t want to limit their success, but I enjoy the English language way too much. Maybe I'll do a post about the whole language topic another time, but let's end this here.

how a spark becomes a light

What is a leader? That is something that got me thinking about a lot lately. For me a leader is not a flawless or perfect person, no, that's just what I used to think. A leader is someone who knows his abilities, and in the mean time is aware of his limitations. A leader is not too stubborn to admit that he is afraid, that it doesn't work out, but the thing is that he still tries to do it the best he can. Another thing about leading others is that you need to be some kind of role model. If your personality is absolutely awful, then you shouldn't be representing others. Most important, practice what you preach. Your authenticity is your 'summum bonum', without it you can't be taken seriously and all you put in was in vain.

When I started to think of writing about this here I did some research and what I found inspired me even more. Most of the quotes I've seen said that you shouldn't send people to places you wouldn't go, and that's right. A leader is not only an organizer, no, he is a pioneer too. You shouldn't be forcing people to do things you wouldn’t do yourself.

In my life there have been some pretty good leaders, some of them were of course more important to me than others, some formed me and others just touched me. They used their free time to engage in something they believed was good, in a youth group, a camp, or some kids’ activities. I've always admired their strength and power and what they did. Deep inside I've always hoped to become such a person too, someone people trust, a reliable person who is there.

Also throughout my life I've seen how people invested in me personally, whether it's just keeping my back, saying something nice or actively spending their time or even money in order to keep me growing, the support just never ends. At first there are my parents, especially my mum who listens to my ideas and pushes me whenever I really need it. I'm not self confident, I don't trust myself and I feel like I could never accomplish anything. Surprisingly, there are a lot of people who would disagree, and those people taught me to believe that too. I'm a spark, a little tiny piece of fire, not bright enough to enlighten anything, but you know what, get me close enough to dry straw and I'll show you what I'm able to do.

So now this is something that is happening a person sees the spark within me and what's it to become bigger, to burn more. There is someone investing in me, is confident me. It's not all set yet, but there is a huge chance that something is coming my way. To say it with slightly varied but still famous words: This is one small step for mankind, one giant leap for myself. It's something I've been thinking of and decided that I was just not yet ready, meaning that I shouldn't aspire to it now, simply because I was too afraid. Of course life disagreed and told me that now IS the time and more exactly, that I might be ready to grow into a leader.

To be honest that is something I tend to forget. In order to be something, you need to become it first. So here I am, taking chances and leaping forward, slowly getting to the person I want to be in the future, ignoring the fear that is holding me back. Whatever comes next, I'll keep you posted!

Cheerio