What it feels like for a girl

As a friend of mine once said to me; "You are not en estrogen bomb". What he wanted to say in context that I might not be the measure of all things female, which I couldn't agree more. Now don't get me wrong, I very much love to be female and I don't want to be a guy at all, all I'm saying is that the typical female stereotypes might not all apply to me.

My mum always says that we are not as typical because even though we are probably as emotional as every other woman too, we also have like a layer of sense above that. Again, I say that's the difference to the stereotype, there are thousands of women who don't apply to that cliche and I'm aware of that. I'm not sure if I see it exactly like here, because sometimes I'm very much just emotional or hormonal as some unknowing men would like to call it. 

I like spending time with male specimen. When I was younger that was not the case, but nowadays I do. We had a class reunion a few weeks ago and after eating at a Mexican restaurant we went to a bar. In there we met three guys who went to school with us, but not in the same class. With two of them I went to primary school and I've known them since I was seven. It casually happened that I engaged in a conversation with them, I think about girls. At some point one of the guys took my phone, looked at my contacts and at some photos. I let him because I didn't mind. A minute later a friend of my class approached me, gave me a distinguished smile and said: "Did he give you his number?" I couldn't do anything but shake my head. I had been talking to them for fun, I think we even talked about the girl one of them fancies and he even texted my flatmate because he thought she was cute. I’m ok with being one of the guys in some situations.

I'm a woman, but I'm not being friends with guys to find a boyfriend, nor do I try to fit in where I don't belong. In my opinion I'm just acting natural. I don't have to pretend to find video games cool, because even though I haven't played a massive amount of them,  I grew up with a brother who thought me the essentials. Besides I really think the legend of Zelda and Assassin's Creed are rad games. Sometimes I like the kind of irony and sarcasm that, in my surrounding, is found more often in guys than in gals. I also get the ambiguous jokes some guys like to make, and sometimes I can’t help but laugh at them. Lastly, occasionally I think there is nothing more fun than having a play fight with someone. I'm neither strong nor athletic, which means at some point I kind of have enough and give up, to that mark though I totally enjoy it! Men are like little boys, and sometimes I like to let my inner kid out too.

The next thing I want to talk about is cloths, appearance and all these things. Mostly I wear jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no earrings, hair brushed but open, only little jewelry like a watch and bracelet and occasionally a necklace. I don't spend a lot of time figuring out what to wear in the morning, I just grab a pair of jeans, and depending on the colour I pick a t-shirt (I just don't want to wear all black for example). If I'm really honest that's not how I like to look though. I once had a conversation with a dear friend about what we would wear if we didn't mind at all. I told her I'd be looking way more feminine that I do know. I like skirts and dresses. I enjoy putting on make-up and I can't wait till my hair is long enough to get my next project done (red ombré ends). Also I have started a little obsession with nail polish the past few weeks. 

Why don't I just change then? I once wore pink lipstick to church and the review were very mixed. Also skirts can be annoying if you are not the best-behaved person which means you don't want the world to see your knickers whilst driving a bike or sitting on the floor. Make-up is difficult because once people get used to your make-up face, they forget how you look without, which means you'll look rather bad. I want to treat myself with these things, and a treat is only effective if it's not a regular. Also I probably still put way too much thought in being judged by others. Bad move.

It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman just because right after pride & prejudice, my second favourite movie of all time is the matrix trilogy. Just because sometimes I get so annoyed by fellow females that I just need to watch an action movie, doesn't mean I do not love my gender. Only because I'm stubborn enough to try and do almost everything on my own and I hate to get help doesn't mean I can't accept it when I really need it. Finally, it doesn't make me less of a woman to be technical support to my dad, to my Uni friends and to my flatmates (who cannot even change a freaking light bulb on their own). It just makes me more of the woman I'd like myself to be. I have some manliness points for cliff jumping and watching the movie "300" but I'm pretty sure I lost them the moment I decided to never jump again or when I started painting my nails out of boredom while watching the movie. I can not replace any man ever ;)

Now there is one topic I'm purposely not going to talk about, that's the whole rape culture thing. That would be way more than I actually want to talk about. There is injustice towards women that's for sure, and as the person I am I have no right to judge that in any way. This post concentrates on stereotype that I think can be annoying, but in the end they do no actual harm.

As a cisgender heterosexual female I can say that some aspects of my gender help me whereas others set boundaries I don’t like. I’m lucky to be living in a world where it’s ok not to get married and have kids. I live in a world where a woman chases her goals, whatever they might be. Every human being on this planet is different, whether you have two X chromosomes, XY or something else. From Tomboys to Fashionistas, whatever floats your boat is what you should live, same applies of course for the males. Stereotypes and statistics do not determine a person. Society tries to but if you won’t let it, if you do you, then it stands no chance.

Thank God I’m a woman ;)

Cheerio. 

P.S If you want to hear a song about this topic that I love click this.

Why I am sometimes weirded out

So here is the second part of the things that have happened this weekend. It’s the more personal perspective, it contains of the whole Sunday because i found it quite hard to figure out what to keep and what to toss because the whole day was just a whole story. I have to admit though that two days after writing the whole thing I’m not sure what kind of light I’m going to shine on myself now, but I promised to post it so here you go. 

I just saw it again on Sunday how God takes my personal feelings into his hand and how he knows the way to make me feel blessed and happy. In the morning at the end of the service the US team initiated something called a fire tunnel. Essentially it means that some people experienced in praying stand in two rows, facing each other, that's the tunnel. One by one the receiving people walk through that tunnel and they get prayed for, whilst they do that, some people prayers might lay their hands on shoulders, bellies or heads, one reason for that might be that physical connection helps them. Now we don't talk about calm prayers here, as that's where the fire part comes in. Touched by the Holy Spirit both, the prayers and the recipient can feel different level of that presence. The scale varies from nothing, to heat, to heavy shaking up to just passing out or screaming. All of these things are normal.

Now I have two problems with this. As I said, I try to be reasonable and controlled and I know that's not the goal when going through a fire tunnel. It is very strange to see how different people react. To be honest I still get chills when I see someone being shaken like a maniac. Also I'm not so fund of the touching as it tends to be rather overwhelming for me. Last year I was kind of forced to walk through by a friend. Don't get me wrong, she didn't mean any harm, but I found it hard to deny her when she noticed that I had hadn't been through yet. This year I knew that nothing would bring me to do it, if not myself. It was like cliff jumping all over again, I saw other people doing it, enjoying it and slowly, oh so slowly the desire in me grew. At first it was a silent promise: “Next year.... next year I'm not only going to walk through it, I will stand at the end caring for whoever needs it, I promise that, but this year I might just not do it at all”. So when I realized that the line became shorter and shorter I took the leap of faith. It was ok, not as confusing at last year, but also not as touching. I just walked out in the end.

In the afternoon we got to spend some time with the team though and I then realized what I talked about before. They are people with a serving heart, nothing more, nothing less. By just spending the afternoon with them I got blessed the way I get blessed the most, by just being with them, naturally, chatting and enjoying the sun. It might not seem like much, but for me it was brilliant. There were me and two of my close friends who actually had almost nothing to do with that whole mission trip, still we were in that incredibly small group of seven people of our church who were on that mountain with them. We even got involved when handing out the parting gifts for the Americans (Swiss army knives ;) ) as we were asked to help distribute them and saying something to each person we handed them to. With God you basically never give without receiving back straight away. I don’t know why, but this meant so very much to me.

In the evening I was in quite a bit of a hurry as I wanted to go back to college late at night. At the end of the service there was once again a fire tunnel. This time I had not doubts, I just walked through it. Again it was nothing too spectacular. When I reached the end though I saw that a guy, who is fifteen years old, had joined the praying rows. Without thinking too much I did the same, leaving between doubting to even walk through to being part of it myself, less than twelve hours. Now we are not talking about me suddenly being good at this, but I know two things: Firstly I did not cause any harm. Whether it was allowed for me to do this or not, God was ok with it. I know that. Secondly, for me it was very important. Being on the other side of this tunnel helped me calm down. I remember two people crawling through it. Usually that would’ve scared the living heck out of me but I have never felt so calm, actually I just laughed.

I’m slowly but surely learning to stop over-respecting everything at church, thinking about the right protocol for everything. I just act the way that I feel God is telling me to and that feels oh so healthy. It means less control, but still not absolutely losing me. I was aware of what was happening, I checked my watch every five minutes to not miss my train, but I was there, open, trying to serve at a place where I would’ve never seen me standing at all. Besides, standing in the tunnel was probably a better preparation if God really wants me to fulfil my promise next year and doing the “after care” as I call it ironically. If I misunderstood him or his goals for me are different by then, ok, he probably has his reasons then.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with that weekend, where to sort it exactly. I have experienced more that has to do with this kind of supernatural stuff in the past month than I have the rest of my life before. It’s kind of overwhelming and as it’s something completely out of my control also a bit scary. I’m right now taking time to sort this because even now I don’t comprehend why I acted as I did. Looking back it was so not “me” to stand in that row, I’m way to shy or rather insecure for stepping out like this, at least it was stepping out for me. I’m also proud though for not doing my usual running away trick, sneaking out as soon as possible and then pretending like nothing happened. I might becoming more and more who I want to be.

Sorry if this was too much of a diary entry, I just felt like it was what I wanted to write about.

Cheerio.