Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

Why I am sometimes weirded out

So here is the second part of the things that have happened this weekend. It’s the more personal perspective, it contains of the whole Sunday because i found it quite hard to figure out what to keep and what to toss because the whole day was just a whole story. I have to admit though that two days after writing the whole thing I’m not sure what kind of light I’m going to shine on myself now, but I promised to post it so here you go. 

I just saw it again on Sunday how God takes my personal feelings into his hand and how he knows the way to make me feel blessed and happy. In the morning at the end of the service the US team initiated something called a fire tunnel. Essentially it means that some people experienced in praying stand in two rows, facing each other, that's the tunnel. One by one the receiving people walk through that tunnel and they get prayed for, whilst they do that, some people prayers might lay their hands on shoulders, bellies or heads, one reason for that might be that physical connection helps them. Now we don't talk about calm prayers here, as that's where the fire part comes in. Touched by the Holy Spirit both, the prayers and the recipient can feel different level of that presence. The scale varies from nothing, to heat, to heavy shaking up to just passing out or screaming. All of these things are normal.

Now I have two problems with this. As I said, I try to be reasonable and controlled and I know that's not the goal when going through a fire tunnel. It is very strange to see how different people react. To be honest I still get chills when I see someone being shaken like a maniac. Also I'm not so fund of the touching as it tends to be rather overwhelming for me. Last year I was kind of forced to walk through by a friend. Don't get me wrong, she didn't mean any harm, but I found it hard to deny her when she noticed that I had hadn't been through yet. This year I knew that nothing would bring me to do it, if not myself. It was like cliff jumping all over again, I saw other people doing it, enjoying it and slowly, oh so slowly the desire in me grew. At first it was a silent promise: “Next year.... next year I'm not only going to walk through it, I will stand at the end caring for whoever needs it, I promise that, but this year I might just not do it at all”. So when I realized that the line became shorter and shorter I took the leap of faith. It was ok, not as confusing at last year, but also not as touching. I just walked out in the end.

In the afternoon we got to spend some time with the team though and I then realized what I talked about before. They are people with a serving heart, nothing more, nothing less. By just spending the afternoon with them I got blessed the way I get blessed the most, by just being with them, naturally, chatting and enjoying the sun. It might not seem like much, but for me it was brilliant. There were me and two of my close friends who actually had almost nothing to do with that whole mission trip, still we were in that incredibly small group of seven people of our church who were on that mountain with them. We even got involved when handing out the parting gifts for the Americans (Swiss army knives ;) ) as we were asked to help distribute them and saying something to each person we handed them to. With God you basically never give without receiving back straight away. I don’t know why, but this meant so very much to me.

In the evening I was in quite a bit of a hurry as I wanted to go back to college late at night. At the end of the service there was once again a fire tunnel. This time I had not doubts, I just walked through it. Again it was nothing too spectacular. When I reached the end though I saw that a guy, who is fifteen years old, had joined the praying rows. Without thinking too much I did the same, leaving between doubting to even walk through to being part of it myself, less than twelve hours. Now we are not talking about me suddenly being good at this, but I know two things: Firstly I did not cause any harm. Whether it was allowed for me to do this or not, God was ok with it. I know that. Secondly, for me it was very important. Being on the other side of this tunnel helped me calm down. I remember two people crawling through it. Usually that would’ve scared the living heck out of me but I have never felt so calm, actually I just laughed.

I’m slowly but surely learning to stop over-respecting everything at church, thinking about the right protocol for everything. I just act the way that I feel God is telling me to and that feels oh so healthy. It means less control, but still not absolutely losing me. I was aware of what was happening, I checked my watch every five minutes to not miss my train, but I was there, open, trying to serve at a place where I would’ve never seen me standing at all. Besides, standing in the tunnel was probably a better preparation if God really wants me to fulfil my promise next year and doing the “after care” as I call it ironically. If I misunderstood him or his goals for me are different by then, ok, he probably has his reasons then.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with that weekend, where to sort it exactly. I have experienced more that has to do with this kind of supernatural stuff in the past month than I have the rest of my life before. It’s kind of overwhelming and as it’s something completely out of my control also a bit scary. I’m right now taking time to sort this because even now I don’t comprehend why I acted as I did. Looking back it was so not “me” to stand in that row, I’m way to shy or rather insecure for stepping out like this, at least it was stepping out for me. I’m also proud though for not doing my usual running away trick, sneaking out as soon as possible and then pretending like nothing happened. I might becoming more and more who I want to be.

Sorry if this was too much of a diary entry, I just felt like it was what I wanted to write about.

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

My worst enemy

Growing up some people learn a lesson, namely that children can be cruel. I mean I was not majorly bullied back in school, but that was mostly because I tried to fit in a lot. Still I can remember moments when I was mocked. Especially music camp comes to my mind. Every person who slept with me in a room left for another, I was left alone. The kids locked me in my room with a chair under the door knob. I was called names (ok, I mean they actually called me the chemical name for water, but firstly I didn’t understand that back then and secondly they wanted it to be mean, the intention counts there). What I learned then was that words can hurt, but that I was also not going to take crap from every person who needed an outlet for the negativity in their life.

As a “grown up” there are very little people left who I allow enough power and access to my emotions to actually hurt me. I have trusted people but the scenarios in which they betray me, well they are limited I’d say. Still there is someone left who tears me apart on an almost daily basis. This person is a bully of an indepth knowledge of my every weakness that makes it seemingly impossible to get past it. I’m still finding my way out of this abusive relationship, but it’s a really tough call.

Who I’m talking about you ask? The answer is simply, it’s me. I am my worst enemy. I’m rather easy with forgiving others. My own mistakes? I carry them on my back year after year. One example for this stands out over all of the others though. There was this girl that I used to play sports with. I had nothing against here and I remember days in which we even got along fairly well. On the other hand there was this rather bossy girl (she did look innocent but she was rather manipulative), who had a leading position in our team. Both girls did not get along, why doesn’t matter. The bossy girl then decided to hate on the other, somehow convincing the whole rest of the team to join her, me included. We bullied her. Nowadays I cannot even imagine how I was so blind to do such a thing, but I was easy to be manipulated. Eventually the bullied girl quit. To my own luck the story doesn’t end there as this would be a very big shame.

Two or three years after her leaving, the formerly bullied girl and her family joined our church. I kid you not, when I first saw her again I was in desperate search for the deepest darkest hole to hide in and never get back out. Guilt is a terrible emotion, especially when you know that you’ve earned it. Unlike what I expected her to do, she did not blame me, she wasn’t mean to me or anything. Even better, she forgave me very quickly. I remember her sitting on my lap during Sunday school (we are talking about a person who is not even cuddly!). While it was ok for her, it was not for me. It took me years for what she did in weeks. I even remember one evening more than a year ago. Another friend and I had spontaneously spend the day at hers, playing video games. In the evening during the family dinner suddenly her mother said jokingly: “Who would’ve ever thought back in the day that one day you’d be eating at this very table”. I mean we had all talked about it and shared some laughs about my stupidity, but even back then it still had an edge to me, even though I’m mostly ok with it now.

There is a saying that goes: “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body, you’d have no friends left at all.” I probably call myself stupid twice a day, ugly probably once. I don’t trust myself. When I think of my goals, the only thing I see stopping myself from achieving them, is me. It’s like I’m constantly trying to fight my own shadow, and I’m losing. It’s a circle of negativity.

If you know this blog then you might’ve understood that I never end a post on a negative note. So there comes my life lesson. I am fighting my shadow when there is absolutely no need for that. There are worse problems than my poor little ego around on the planet. The most effective way to get rid of a shadow is to shine light on it, fight it with happiness and don’t let the negativity get you down. You might think that getting past yourself is impossible, at least you know every single trick of yours, but a shadow is just a pathetic poor and colourless version of you, so move on!

So now that I have successfully cheered myself up I should really write that paper that I’m not going to mess up, just because I failed another paper! I’m better than I was and I’m better than my failure

Cheerio.