I gloat about being fairly
reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point
where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where
there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared
for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not
perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out,
don't I?
Since I've been a teenager
there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's
something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for
that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet
proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I
ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself
for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The
answer is even simpler. "No".
Of course when things need
to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not
having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I
was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people
(besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out
who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to
ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my
original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So
when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that
I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I
really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that
the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed
was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my
plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm
not born to fail!
Yesterday I went for a
walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and
decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy
and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew
where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close
to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I
couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a
landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you
exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to
still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about
two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would
happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I
kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the
literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid
that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I
wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and
keep going or just giving up and turn around?
After a while I turned
because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to
God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want
though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed
for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I
arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take
a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed.
I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it
was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just
kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I
didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it
then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did
not work out.
To be honest I just want to
say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific
about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of
because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late
for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in
God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the
victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much
rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment
I actually can prevent from happening.
Cheerio.
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