I give to many f****

I consider a lot of people my friends. It's not like I wander around looking for them though, it just happens that I think of a person as a friend after knowing them for a short while, depending on what we've shared. When I get along well with someone, then I consider that human being as a good friend. I honestly have at least sixty people that I count into that circle of good friends; I'd say there are even more. Now this isn't me bragging, I just try to bring across a point.

There is a problem though. Out of those sixty people, each one of them has a life, their own joys and fears. Everyone has problems and happy moments, and sometimes I can share one with them. For example a very close friend of mine invited me to her graduation ceremony. Of course I was happy for her that she graduated, but what we all didn't know was that the final paper she wrote got a special price. So when she received it (she had no idea either), I was very very proud of her. Another thing is weddings. I love to see the people around me marrying the person they love, so I try my best to attend every wedding that I'm allowed to go. Sometimes I get so excited about things like that, I fear that I annoy everyone around me.

On the other hand it also means suffering with a friend who is going through a hard time. I meet a girl online and I know she is cutting herself. She is only thirteen years old and lives far away, but within days I felt really close to her. Of course that meant knowing how she is hurt didn't just go past me. 

Even worse than suffering with someone it is to be rejected, or just the realization that you care too much about a person who doesn’t care for you. It happened that I considered a person a friend, just to find out that I was nothing more than a person they roughly knew to them. As I said, I’m a person to feel too much in too little time, so I shouldn’t be wondering about that. If that really is the case though then I need to look for distance, I need to figure out what my picture of this person is, how I see them. It might even mean cutting the ropes if I realize that I was wrong all along.
There were several moments in my life where I try to shut all those friendship emotions down. I've had enough of suffering with others; I just didn't want to care that much anymore. Sometimes people like me, people who just care too much, get hurt, and that isn't easy to deal with. It definitely would be easiest to completely shut down that side of myself, but then I'd miss a lot of laughs, opportunities to be proud and graceful for my friends, and I think that I'd be way more lonely. Our youth pastor's wife once said "love wastefully", and that's what I'm doing. I have so much love to give, and there is no need to store it. In the end you'll get so much more back than you were handing out anyway. Still I decided to look after myself too, I won't neglect my own happiness.

So what I'm trying to say, don't try to hide your feelings because you are scared to get hurt. You can't go through life without being harmed, but you can choose to get over it and still carry on loving others. That sounds to me way better than just hiding away licking your wounds.

Cheerio.



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First of all sorry that publishing this took so long, I'm being rather busy right now. I went jogging twice last week, once 57 minutes and once 68 minutes. I'm really planning on doing half a marathon in October. Another thing I did was I finished sewing on a dress I bought about five years ago. I had to adjust one part because it looked odd and I couldn't wear it as it was. I even managed to wear it to a wedding that I went to yesterday.

Nine out of eight voices in my head tell me I'm bad at maths...

...the 10th hums the melody of Tetris. This post won't be about my inability to do math tough, but more about the voices that I hear constantly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that insane, it's just the easiest way to describe what I mean. Basically it’s about your thoughts, but as they are a difficult concept to describe and understand I prefer to explain it a bit more differently.

Some examples of inner voices are languages. I once had a discussion with a friend of mine who is Finnish. We are communicating in English and given the fact that it's not our mother tongue I asked her how she thinks she is able to talk and write English, especially since grammar can be a bit tricky. We both agreed that we just know it's correct, without having to think about it. Actually right now as I'm writing that, I hear a "voice". I'm not thinking what I'll be writing in German first and then translate it, I form a sentence in English straight away. 

I'm not sure if you were able to actually follow that my thoughts where here, so I try another example. When you read something then your brain translates the letters into a sound in your head. You are able to understand what those signs mean because you learned to decipher them and because you know how they sound like you understand the meaning. At least that’s how I understand it, except if you are deaf, in which case I have no idea.

Of course that wasn't all. I also hear other voices, like my sarcastic voice. Basically that's the part of me that is responsible for me not taking things too seriously. Sometimes I just need to laugh at the comedy that is my life, or I need to tell myself that what is bugging me is just a so called "first world problem" in order to maintain a good mood, and it really helps. 

Oh and are you a person that has fake conversation in their head all the time too? Whenever I have a spare moment my mind just comes up with things I should tell a person when I see him/her next. Even worse is it when I remember a conversation I already had and suddenly there is this perfect answer that I didn't have when I needed it. 

Now those examples were all about useful things, but there is also my inner pessimist. That is the reason for me having nights where I can't sleep because I'm worried, it brings me down and makes me believe that I'll never achieve anything. Hearing this voice is not very funny, and the worst is that it's the sneakiest of them all. Before I realize what's going on I'm already very close to panicking, just because of my own thoughts.

I suppose those were the most important voices I know. I also made a video that is a bit related to that topic a few weeks ago, I'll post it further down. If you think that I'm crazy now then you missed the point (but you are still completely correct xD). That was it for this week.

Cheerio.

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optimizing update (Yes I'm making these a thing): I went jogging four times so far, it still kills me but you gotta do what you gotta do. Also I think I discovered my inner bootcamp voice, and she is a freaking kick ass.
I  bought myself a nice skirt which I'll hopefully be wearing at some point and I found a flat, (that I might be sharing with three guys if I'm not lucky enough that a girl gets the last free room). So everything is going well and I'm still working on my self a lot.

Optimize Yourself

So I'm a woman (Yeah I know, surprise surprise), and as that it sometimes happens that I find myself questioning my own beauty. If I'm really honest, I'd admit that I want to BE beautiful and as beautiful can't be generalized at least I want to FEEL beautiful. The thing is you'll not really see me doing much for that. Lately I wasn't happy with myself and even my life in general. It’s not a huge thing, just a detail. Basically it felt like a beautiful dress that wasn’t fitted perfectly. Therefore I decided that actions were louder than words and that I wanted to take small steps towards a better me and I’ll let you in on that process.

First let's talk about clothing. I prefer dressing more casual than smart, in the mean time I secretly love dresses and skirts since I was a little kid. At some point I just stopped wearing them and nowadays I didn't get back to it, even though I actually have a collection of dresses in my wardrobe. I'm planning on wearing them more often this summer and I hope I'll make it.

The next thing was about cosmetics. There I started very lightly by watching tutorials on YouTube, both on hair and on make-up. It's not the first time that I did that so it's not a huge deal. Of course those tutorials inspired me to actual try something out. I started wearing make-up more often, just light one as usual, but after a while my make-up collection didn't suffice anymore, so I went and spent some money on more stuff, including a bright pink lipstick. I was no confronted with a problem, as I wanted to use that lipstick but in the mean time I was not brave enough. In the end I did it anyway and apart from some ironic comments I got a positive response to it. All that thinking for nothing one could say. Finally I decided to cut my hair short again today even though a friend told me off of it, and I'm loving it.


You think that was enough? Then you are wrong. I was surprised to which extend I wanted to work on myself, because the whole thing is going way further than I could’ve ever imagined. Another thing I'm trying to do is eating healthier. I'm not so into vegetables and unlike many other female specimens I would prefer almost anything to eating salad. Nowadays I try to eat one healthy thing a day (I know that I'm nowhere close to five a day, but I said small steps, remember?), and I'm doing more than fine with that.

The last thing is the biggest surprise. Since last Wednesday I went jogging. Twice. For those of you who know me well, I'll give you a moment to catch your breath, for those who don't: I basically hate exercise and I'm pretty sure that jogging is some kind of torture. Trust me, I don't enjoy the whole sport experience at all, but again, it's healthy. I want to be able to walk on this earth without feeling like coughing blood every time I have to run after a bus. Plus, even though I hate it I can already see results, which was great after having a terrible muscle ache the day after I went the first time. Today I managed to run three times the distance I was able to do last Wednesday, which definitely made me happy.

So you see I'm working on myself. I do it not only because I want to feel beautiful, that was just the initial thought. I've realized that I've been given a body and that I have to work with that as long as I live. Even though I don't want to admit it, your looks are important, people are judging you based on it. I've decided to make give them as little room as possible, without giving up my principals. I want to become a more confident person, I want to become more "me" than I was the day before. I won’t be wearing make-up on a daily basis, but if I feel like it, then I’ll apply it. I've heard a lot lately that we shouldn’t be searching the faults in others if we feel treated badly, but to take action ourselves, to become a better person for ourselves. That's what I'm trying.

Cheerio.

My best friend is beautiful

So I was not sure what I was going to write about this week, there was a tie between two topics that I had in mind since I started blogging again. The friendship topic won obviously. So friendship in general means a lot to me, I don't even want to imagine where I'd be without the amazing people around me, but today I want to write about two special people. I was fortunate enough to not only find my best female friend, I even found a guy to be my best male friend too. So here I want to write about those two people who mean a ton to me. 

I can still remember when I got to know my best friend, who usually prefers to go by the name of Marina on the internet. It was in the halls of my school, she was talking with our share friend Vanessa. As far as I remember, she wore a shirt with a printed tie on it and I thought how she seemed to have a good fashion sense. How we really started to hang out is now hard to recollect, but it took us quite a while. It went from eating lunch in a group of three to four, to a birthday party and finally to spending more time together more and more frequently. I may sound like I'm in love or something, but for me having a best friend, a sister, a twin, always felt like a huge deal. I wanted and needed something like that in my life.

I'm not sure if you can relate, but when you were younger did you ever watch so called BFF's on television, in cartoons or movies, and all you could do was wanting to have someone like that? or maybe you had people around you, siblings, parents, friends, who had that kind of thing. I was really girly about that, I wanted to have sleepovers, and doing each other’s hair and make-up, having long talks and doing crazy stuff together. The thing was, when I looked around in primary school there were nice girls, but none of them had the potential to be what I wanted to have, even though that may sound idiotic to you.

I remember being in 4th grade, praying to God that a family would move to our appartment house, with a girl my age that looked like me and went to school with me and basically was a second me. And of course that didn't happen. What did happen was that I met this crazy, extroverted, japanloving, cooking, caring and lovable creature, who is always late but no matter what, that I can call my best friend. She looks a bit like me, that's why people sometimes are confused about who is who, but apart from that we are not that similar, and that is the point. I didn't get a copy of myself, I got another half. Like you and your siblings might be quite different, so are Marina and I, but you know, you can't choose your family. I think what goes hand in hand with that is that I'm completely adopted by her family, I really feel at home when I'm at her's, even when she isn't there and I'm with her mum or her brother.

I would seriously not trade her for anything in this world and as far as I'm concerned we'll stay friends forever, even though this is even more girly. Plus she agrees with me and says that befriending Vanessa, who was the one to introduce us to each other, was one of the best decisions she made. I agree whole heartily. Oh and don't get me wrong, I have other people who are very very very dear to me, but as I said, the best friend title needed to be rewarded to someone. 

But where there is a female, there also needed to be a male version. For me being friends with guys was hard. I've always surrounded myself with females, because let's be honest, guys are annoying (at least that's what I used to think). The only males allowed around me where my brother and occasionally his friends, apart from them I just couldn't handle male beings. What made this even worse were the two years I spent going to school with only girls. At my school we had to many girls, so when they made classes (you have every subject in the same group of people, that's what we call a class), they decided to make an all-girl one. So at church I didn't have male friends, because that's just how it was, and in school I didn't have any either. That lead to me feeling very awkward around guys. 

So my best guy friend, who I like to call Coco, went to school with me for four years. If I'm honest, I first had a crush on him, which made it impossible for me to talk to him (I used to be terribly tongue tied when it came to that). After we went to school together for one and a half years, my class went to Spain to do a short exchange trip. One day we went to a theme park and the whole group started the day together. After a while Coco wanted to go on certain rides again, but no one would join him. You have to know that I'm terrified of rollercoaster, I really hate them, but I felt so sorry for him so that I decided to go with him, despite the fact that I still had a crush on him. I'd like to call that one of the best decisions of my life.

After we all got back from Spain we started chatting on MSN occasionally. Some time later he really started opening up to me and told me things that he never told anyone else. I was really flattered about how open he was, and I couldn't help but opening up myself too. For a certain amount of time I felt like an agony aunt, but we managed to get over that. In my opinion we have a lot of history anyway. Through him I learned that guys aren't just stupid and annoying, but that there is of course more behind all that. I don't know how to explain it, but I really grew on our friendship, even though it wasn't always easy. I think unlike Marina, he’d be embarrassed to read such a text about him, but on the other hand we were always cheesy anyway.

The sad thing is I've only seen him twice since we graduated last summer, but I hope to always call him my best friend because you know what? Friendship does not define about how often you see each other, or what you do when that happens, but about what you feel when you receive a text, you meet, or you just hear from them. I'm always smiling very widely.

So yeah, this was a little post about two people that are irreplaceable in my life’s story. I want to write about my other friends sometimes soon too, but that was all for today.

Cheerio.