Be particular about what you want

I gloat about being fairly reasonable. I stay calm and I plan a lot. I also over think things to the point where there is no point anymore. I calculate a thousand possibilities. Where there is a plan A there is also many other plans around. I'm mentally prepared for the best case, the worst case, the most likely case, the still good but not perfect case and the mildly stupid but doable case. I have it figured out, don't I?

Since I've been a teenager there has been one thing to terrify me, namely being disappointed. It's something I have a lot of trouble handling so I mentally prepare myself for that possibility. I assume that my plans go wrong, even when they seem bullet proof, just so I can say "I knew it" in the end. The question that I ask myself after spending some much time and energy on simply preparing myself for a negative reaction is simple: "did it spare me any pain?" The answer is even simpler. "No".

Of course when things need to be done it is useful to have a plan B, but there is a reason for it not having been your first choice, isn't there? Have an example. A few weeks ago I was planning something for my youth group. I knew that I needed three people (besides me) to have a short speech. It didn't take me very long to figure out who I'd really like to hear so I asked the first one. Before I could proceed to ask the other ones I took my chance and asked someone who wasn't included in my original plan because I already feared that someone would deny my request. So when I came around to speaking to the last person and he did deny, I knew that I would still be able to organize it all. Still I was disappointed because I really wanted to hear what this person had to say, regardless of the fact that the person covering in would be doing a good job too. The question that stayed was it would've been so hard just to risk it for once not thinking that my plans would fail? That's a pattern in my head that needs to change quickly; I'm not born to fail!

Yesterday I went for a walk. I was out late on Saturday so I skipped church in the morning and decided to go in the evening instead. After that I still had a lot of energy and felt a bit emotionally loaded so I needed to move and off I went. I knew where I was headed because there is this spot that is deserted at night, close to the river and genuinely somewhere that I like to go when feeling a bit emosh. Instead of stopping there I choose to pass the place though because I couldn't bring myself to rest. Instead I looked around in the dark and found a landmark in the distant. It was a very particular landmark and I could tell you exactly why it caught my eye but I prefer not to. So I focused on that and proceeded to go there. After a while I couldn't spot it anymore, but nevertheless I decided to still head that direction because I didn't know what to do instead. I was about two thirds in when I slowed down. What was I doing? What was I thinking would happen when I got there? I was chasing some sort of symbol hoping that if I kept doing it, if I succeeded in getting there, I would also succeed in the literal goal that I connect with that landmark. I reminded myself of how stupid that was and there I was, in what felt like the middle of nowhere and I wondered what I should do. Should I believe in a stupid symbolical miracle and keep going or just giving up and turn around?

After a while I turned because I'm not dependent on symbols. Whilst walking back I started talking to God about what I was really going for. Instead of focusing on what I want though I kept finding excuses, different options, and ways out of it. I prayed for me to give up, when I really actually just needed to give it away. I arrived back at "my" spot and I knew that this time I needed to take a seat. For one of the first time in my life I didn't try to not be disappointed. I just sat there and asked God for what my heart desired. I told him that if it was not what he wanted then I would be ok, but I didn't think any further, I just kept it simple, explaining what and why I aspire that particular thing. I didn't want to have a plan b, because if there is a chance I might not need it then why putting effort into that? Second guesses can me made once things did not work out.

To be honest I just want to say that yesterday I dared to believe. I was courageous enough to be specific about what I want, out of whatever reason I had. I gave away what I dream of because there was no point in keeping it for myself, but it's not yet too late for it to become a reality. I need to have more faith in myself and also in God, so that I no longer fear the disappointment but that I can truly enjoy the victory instead. It's time to get past wishing and to start doing. I'd much rather get my hopes crushed than to let myself down, because that's a disappointment I actually can prevent from happening.

Cheerio.

Hello Goodbye

Over the past couple of years I have accomplished to life with the fact that sometimes I get extremely awkward. I don't consider that as something special, because I know that a lot of people get to know that feeling at one point or another. One thing that usually makes me quite uncomfortable is in fact a very small detail, but I've always been very good at over analyzing so enjoy reading along. Let me introduce you to the difficulty of saying "Hello" & "Goodbye". 

I don't mean the general shouts in a crowded room, no I mean actual face to face welcome style "Hellos". Basically in my life there are five general kinds of how to get that done around. The most common is "the handshake" It's appropriate when you meet someone for the first time, if you want to reduce intimacy of any kind and you might even express a little discomfort towards a person through this medium. It's also important for less close relationships like business related things. In case of insecurity always go for a handshake and you can do almost nothing wrong, at least in western civilisation.

In certain situation it might feel uncomfortable though. When I meet a person around my age I consider a handshake to be too formal. Also when I'm meeting friends and I don't want to really interrupt them I need something different to get their attention. There "the wave" is great. People can decide to acknowledge your move and welcome you properly or they can just look past it. It's also very useful to make a general statement instead of having to walk up to each person individually. To be honest I guess "the wave" is my go to move as it's very nonchalant to use.

A third thing is "the clap'n shake". I know that one mostly from the guys at our church. It's less formal than a handshake, a little friendlier and more personal. It means first you clap your hand together and with a smooth movement you switch into a short handshake. Troubles included in that one is a bad clap and confusion by the person not knowing that you initially wanted to do that move. It's pretty handy though and I fully understand why the guys use it a lot.

My former enemy and now best friend is "the hug" though. I used to seriously hate hugging certain people as I didn't like getting touched in general. Over the time I learned that some of my friends are veery good huggers though and I also understood the general meaning of a hug. You can put in a lot of warmth, sincerity and care into that move and it shows a lot of positive feelings. I am a hugger but I'll never forget that I wasn't always so I can respect other people's boundaries when they feel not comfortable with that one.

And last (but also least) is the freaking awkward 2-3 kisses on the cheek thing. Yes I have a biased opinion on it and you might've guessed that it's not positive. I do not understand it; usually it's just rubbing your cheek against another and making kissing sounds. Why is that even a thing? It doesn't mean anything and it feels odd. Actually that is the reason why I write this post. At my Uni we have this bible study group and for some reason they've used this method to greet each other. So far I've managed to escape it by using "the wave" and settle things as soon as I enter but not today. So I awkwardly held out my hand and totally confused this one guy, which internally made me laugh a lot. I mean those cheek kisses with a girl is doable, with a guy I dislike and with a bearded guy I hate, I am sorry.

Oh and on the subject of seriously awkward, did it ever happen to you that you wanted to hug someone whereas they aimed for a handshake? Or maybe the other way around, who knows. And please do not let me get started on the troubles one can get across while hugging, like stroking alongside someone’s face and hitting someone while stretching out to give a proper hug, really terrible stories, believe me. Oh and let's not forget when you accidentally missed to bid someone welcome the right way and that person got disappointed or sad?  Which reminds me of that one person who seems to do that a lot towards me lately, how rude ;)
 
So you see, I am completely nuts, but what do you except of a sleepless person at quarter past three in the morning. Maybe I should get more sleep instead of thinking so much about lavalieres.

Cheerio.