Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.

On living in the friendzone

During the last time the topic of handsome male individuals has been discussed quite a lot with different fellow females of mine. The whole thing itself might never get old but sometimes it’s way more relevant than other times, you know? Well there is something that nowadays goes hand in hand with the other gender and it has scared thousands of young people to no end …. The friendzone (*insert dramatic music*). As a resident of the internet I've been familiar with this term for a while now, but as it has found its way to the real world I decided that it was time to express my viewpoint on the whole issue, so here we go.

First of all, my opinions have been formed by three men, two of which kind of frienzoned me and one I got my payback, even though you’ll see how well that one turned out later. I learned a lesson from each one of them and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything, because it changed my opinion for the better or worse. I have to admit though that neither of the two guys who put me in the friendzone knew at the time what they were doing because I would've never been bold enough to express my feelings towards them. Mostly it was just reality slapping me in the face. Besides I seem to be quite good at giving love advice when all I do is relate to my own experience and say how not to do it, so spilling my secrets here might be useful or something.

So let’s begin with my best guy friend from school. I had feelings for him since day one when I met him. Of course it started out as only a crush, but my feelings stayed the same for one and a half year. After that time it happened that we became friends. Now I believe that friendship between males and females is quite possible, but it’s just as possible for one of them to starts wanting to be more than friends. As added before, I did like him for longer than we were actually friends. I was hoping that friendship would develop into a mutual love, but this never happened. There would be way more to that story than that but enough about it.

Nowadays I’m more than relieved that he never liked me. I’m not only speaking about the fact that during our last year at school he came out as gay, but also I see just how bad he treated all of his past relationships, his girlfriends, as well as the one boyfriend I knew. I also understand that I had a special status in his life as his best female friend and that I’m still grateful for that time. In addition to that,  I told him about my past feelings one day whilst being a little too tipsy and seeing as our friendship ended soon after I also learned that sometimes keeping your mouth shut is good. On the other hand I also know that telling him was the right decision and I’m freaking proud for expressing that, even though it was months after.

The next guy was the one I friendzoned and again, so much to learn from him. Firstly, I’ll be gladly ignored by guys for the rest of my life if that means avoiding breaking someone’s heart ever again. I felt awful, as if I did something wrong, when all that happened was that I met a cool guy at a camp, we had a lot of fun talking to each other and I saw him as something like a brother (brother-in-Christ-zoned right there) and he thought we could be more. I can still see myself sitting on that bench when he asked me if I had a boyfriend (followed by the question « do you want one ». Classic). I was shocked. To this day he is the only guy to openly address feelings for me, so I always count him as a plus one for my ego. Apart from that I just have to say that being on the other side hurt way more. I didn't want to cause him any trouble and yet I did. It took me two whole years to be able to interact with him normally again, not because he held onto me or anything but because I kept pushing myself down. Stupid me. We don’t see each other regularly (we never did actually) but when we do it’s not awkward anymore (it really helps that there has been loads and loads of time between everything).

The third guy is my most recent “loss”. Luckily again it’s something from the past. I have this friend that I used to have a crush on for a while. Then all of a sudden we kept talking more, deeper and more honest with each other. I started interpreting a lot because I only saw what I wanted to see and felt like he was giving me hints, treating me special and all that. In the end he was just a good guy. Now there is this danger with nice guys (and we don’t talk about those who are secretly shit, abusing the fact that girls can be lulled into something, but the genuinely nice guys). Now when reality did hit me and I understood that there has never been anything between me and him, I caught myself thinking “it’s ok, it wasn't his intention to hurt me, I’m fine”. Well I was not fine, I had my hopes up very much and I needed a lot of "therapy sessions" with some good friends, some pride & prejudice watching, black nail polish and loads and loads of sweets to feel alright again. I had to tell myself that even though it was not what he wanted, he did hurt me and that feeling hurt was ok. Again, pain sometimes demands to be felt.

The second difficulty lies in the fact that you might put that person above you. Seeing that he didn't do anything wrong I had to take good care of myself not to start thinking stuff like “I’m not good looking enough, not smart enough, I only talk about irrelevant things, I’m a total bore. It's obvious that a guy like him could never have feelings for a girl like me”, all that kind of nonsense. I had to try my hardest not to feel inferior to him. To be honest I still think he is a cool dude, but I’m pretty rad myself. Just because we didn't seem to be a good fit didn't mean much after all. Plus let’s see it like that: there is this guy who’s existence I really appreciate and he thinks I’m alright too, seeing as we are friends. I mean for me that’s something, some sort of mutual respect for each other. Yes I was hoping for more than that but being friendzoned is better than just being a stranger in someone’s life that you actually really much would like to be a part of, isn't it?

I’m just happy that I could deal with that without him knowing, as I’m not totally sure how he (and possibly some people around him) would've taken it. A friend of mine once said that he didn't need to know that someone had a crush on him until he had feelings for her too. I kind of get that point oh so well, love can ruin a healthy friendship, sometimes for no good reason at all. I have managed not to lose a friend that I very much wanted to keep, especially once my romantic feelings started to faint. Besides, I’m now expecting someone even better to come along, so here’s to that.

Yes, this has been a long post, but I’m not the person to keep a conversation about boys shorter than necessary. It’s just so much to say about them isn't there? I'm very happy that I could spare myself from one experience though, which is having to tell someone of the same gender that I'm not interested. A friend of mine had to do that once, and let me tell you, it was even more awkward. Genuinely the friendzone is a good place to be in, especially once things have settled a bit. Sometimes knowing the truth and dealing with it is better than wasting time and time chasing a guy that is not worth the try (due to various reason). Hope you agree?

Cheerio.

Easy to carry along

I'm writing this post before I write something in my diary about yesterday, so the thoughts are still fresh and have not left my brain yet. Also usually I don't talk as much about my personal relationship with God, as again, it's probably the utmost private thing I have, but I want to share my thoughts here today. Also in this post I just chat about things that go on at my church, including things that cannot be easily explained as they are supernatural. I still try my best to explain everything briefly. Due to the length of this post I’m going to divide it into two parts, firstly some general things and then the events of last Sunday.

Last weekend I had a great time, even though quite a while I thought that this wouldn't be the case. Let me elaborate. Our church had some visitors from the USA who were on a mission trip in Switzerland. They all attend the same school that belongs to a big church in the US. I have not yet seen through it completely, but when it comes to that church, my church is kind of obsessed.

I really consider it unhealthy from time to time, and I have never made an effort to hide me being displeased. Yes, some of my friends are there, or they plan to attend, some have paid it a visit before. I'd never say they are some kind of fangirls/boys, following the newest trend. I believe that the movement there does a lot of good in the name of God and that I know nothing bad about them to say, but I still have a big problem with what's going on. Sometimes it seems that this church alone is good, holy and blessed. They listen to their music, watch their services online, read their pastor's books and all in all it looks like they are putting those people way too high above themselves. Yes, they are gifted, but so are people in our church. They reach more people, but since when is it quantity over quality? (I didn't say that the quality is bad, but from what I know they started out small, like everyone does)

You see, I'm not opposed to the work, nor the people, but I'm opposed to the hype. Some people behaved like we were going to have celebrities in the house, when all they did was using their God given gift for what they got it, serving. They probably received better teaching than most of us so they serve very well, but from what I got to know about them they also have a servants heart, which means they are humble. Before this weekend I was so distracted by what people said and how they reacted to their coming, that I myself put this group on a pedestal, just on a bad one. I'm more than happy to say that I was wrong.

There is a reason why I act opposed to the whole behaviour and I must admit it's not because I'm clever enough to see through people who just play along and are secretly dishonest with themselves. I get told that I'm reasonable a lot which is probably a good description and I like it. The problem is that apart from being reasonable I am also very passionate. If I'd let myself then I could easily jump on every bandwagon around me. I just don't want that all the time, so I keep that passion stored somewhere inside of me so it doesn't break loose all the time. That doesn't mean that I'm calm or anything, I have no problem to express myself and be a bit crazy, but there is one area of life when it's very different, namely everything that has to do with God.

I don't want to exaggerate around him; I just want to be me, and the most me I could actually be. I don't want to be shaken or swept off my feet, just because it happens to my peers. I don't want to lift my hands during worship because it's the norm at church. I don't want to pray in tongues, or pretend to be able to do it just for the sake of belonging. (Disclaimer, I don't say I knew of anyone who does that but could easily see it happen). Me and God, us, that's what I want. I want to honour him because I want to. I want to desire to follow where he leads me because that's my actual heart cry to. For me, God does not do anything to force me, he just picks up my hand and then we see together what's next. I'm not his puppet, instead we are a team. He talks to me in the way that makes me comfortable, he doesn't want to scare me and for me that shows just how much he loves me, as a unique person.

That was all I wanted to write about today, the second part follows Wednesday

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

Cheers to 2013, Hello 2014

I know, I know, I'm late to the whole year recap thing, but better late than never. Besides, we are on the first page of a 365 pages long new chapter and even though I mocked the idea of the calendar changing to be something important to a human life just yesterday, I can imagine it to be a good milestone to recollect past happenings and to re-evaluate ones life. To be honest sometimes I'm convinced that studying sociology is the best thing for me, considering how much I like to overanalyse things like New Year.

I'm not sure if I'm ever able to say: "This was my best year". Every year has had its ups and downs. I remember December 2012 was rough; I was pretty depressed and sad. One evening shortly before the year ended I remember crying my eyes out because I couldn't take it no more. What was it? Life in general. You see I started last year not in the best mood, and I continued it until halfway through February. Then the first step on my recovery happened, it was the day that I was offered the money to go on that mission trip that I talked about in an earlier post. It was something that didn't have to do with my problems considering finding a job and a flat for college, but it was a sign that everything might turn out just alright somehow.

I recently checked through my diary and read the things I wrote last year. I couldn't help but smile. In march I wrote that I finally felt like I was on the upgrade as I had found a job and about two weeks later I was approached by my youth pastor and asked if I wanted to become a youth group leader. Of course I also like March because it was my birthday and finally because I filmed my first ever YouTube video in the middle of the month. It was pretty awesome.

In April I started working, which was tiring but I was so happy to be finally doing something again. Also I actually became a youth group leader. May and June were month when nothing very spectacular happened, at least nothing that is really worth to be mentioned. July I only remember having to work more, being exhausted and also preparing for Mallorca. Also throughout this time I was tutoring a friend of mine in English which was something that I quite liked. Last but not least I found a flat, even though I was very sceptical about that, but it didn't end up quite as bad. 

August was Mallorca, which definitely marks the highlight of my year. The best part about it? I'm coming back this year! During this time I also grew back closer to a friend who I wasn't that close anymore before. September meant moving out and starting University. A huge step for me, a real adventure but a good one. 

My favourite about October definitely was going to Germany in order to visit the people I met in Mallorca. That was another adventure. I went there with the friend I grew closer again, but I wanted to meet someone from Stuttgart before heading over to Karlsruhe, so it was my first time going to a foreign country on my own and it was also the first time to organize a travel. I know it's nothing huge, but for me it meant quite something. It showed to me once more that I want to keep crossing my own boundaries and get past the things I know. That adventure included being a total minority, seeing dear friends and even going to visit a prison. Pretty cool.

November was challenging. I did my first "preach" in front of my youth group which made me very nervous. I'm not very good with standing in front of people, but I aim to be, so I'm not afraid to work on that. I'm pretty ok with how it went in the end. Besides there was NaNoWriMo, and busy weekends in general as everything seemed to be crammed into the last two month of the year.

December was rough, family drama deluxe, studying for finals, Christmas, and New Year. I struggled again but I told myself to keep looking on the bright spots, the support of my friends, the dance we had at our church and the fact that I survived my first semester and that I could take a break again. The past few days were chaotic but alright in the end. 

After some shenanigans on Sunday I found my eyes to feel rather sore which turned out to be an eye infection. The problem was that I had promised to co-host my church's New Years Eve party and that we had nothing planned. After going to the doctor yesterday he gave me an ok to go, but sadly the other co-host was sick. So yesterday included running to the doctor's, calling a friend very humbly to ask if he would co-host with me (which to my utter surprise he agreed to do), helping to set up the decoration, planning somewhat of a program to entertain the crowd for a while, hosting and besides, trying not to infect anyone and finally actually enjoying myself within that chaos. It all worked out, probably largely because said friend not only stepped in as co-host, but also as technician filling the gap that a sick organiser leaves behind. Even though he does not read my blog, a massive thank you once again. Good to know I have friends that I can spontaneously count on.

To be fair that is not even close to what went on during this year, but all that I thought to be important enough to mention. The year in general was filled with friends, laughter, beautiful and unforgettable moments and as I said, ups and downs. I can't wait for all the exciting new things that 2014 will bring the adventures and the challenges. It better be great!

Cheerio.