Late night thoughts

Today I woke up at 4 am, out of nowhere. I could still feel sleep lingering somewhere in my head, but in that moment I knew that I wouldn't get more of it straight away. It's not a good sign to just wake up that early, I need a certain amount of sleep to maintain happy thoughts and to keep myself positive. When I wake up around this time, I start to think about my life and that at then it usually seems as if my optimism hasn't woken up yet. I'm just not able to see any good in a given situation then, my worries become huge and I'm overwhelmed. On the other hand I didn't want to get up, because that would've meant a serious lack of sleep and that's something I try to avoid as much as possible. To try to calm myself down I started to write the thoughts that I had into this post, because I didn't see any reason not to write about my fears and worries, as they are a part of me. Just be warned, if you are an easy target for negativism, then keep out today. So, here is what was going on:

The first thing I worried about was finding a flat. In my life there is always one main issue and right now, it's the shared-flat problem. I've now visited about seven flats, usually that's when people have found one, but of course not me. That lead me to think of what you all need to find in life. The perfect flat, a good job, friends, a significant other... There are loads and loads of decisions to make and that can be overwhelming and scary. Other decisions were already made by me, what if they were wrong? How do other people manage to survive the pressure of just being alive? Do they even feel the weight, do they think about the little decisions they take on a daily basis that are defining their lifestyle? I then went deeper into some topics.

Right now I'm working as a cleaning woman at a hospital, when I'm done I'll have worked there for five months. Other women are working there for ten, or even twenty years. I could never do this job for that amount of time; I cannot even imagine doing the same thing for three years. Doesn't life get boring and everything becomes bland? How does one be happy with only five weeks of holidays per year? Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm just too young or to inexperienced, but I just don't understand. What do you do when you can't find a job? I tried for six month, but my parents kept my back. When you are older and you can't find anything, what do you do then? 

As I seem to be surrounded by couples lately I also am thinking a lot about guys these days, as you might've noticed in my past couple of posts. I can't help it, but most of the time I just can't see myself with someone else. How do you manage that the other person doesn't annoy you, or vise versa? I'm not so difficult to be friends with, but I think I'd be an annoying girlfriend, don't ask me why. Also I started to wonder how I would tell my parents if I ever had a boyfriend, how I would tell my friends. At this point just the situation seems incredibly ridiculous. 
What about later, at some point I might get married, have kids. Did you see the world we have around us? You know what could happen to those poor little creatures. Or what if my husband changed as much as my Dad did? What if I changed completely? I said being optimistic requires energy that I don't have in the morning, so I'm not always putting myself down as much.

The last thing I worried about was the whole growing up, going to University, having to find new friends problem. To this day I never really had troubles finding friends, I need some time to adjust but then it's not that hard. Still I worry a lot about that. What would the whole Uni experience be without the people around you? In my head not very funny. What will happen after Uni? I did not even start and I'm already afraid of it ending that is just crazy. 

At some point around 5 am I fell asleep again, but I really hate having all my fears building up that much in front of my eyes. The good thing is, life doesn't stop because of my fears, it goes on. As I had to get up at around eight, the shadows of the past night had vanished back to where they belong, the far ends of my brains, and I could go on as usual, at least more or less. During the day I finally remembered a song that goes hand in hand with my experience. I'm posting a cover version made by kickthepj below (I prefer it to the original one).

Cheerio.

We were made to be courageous

The title up here is the first line of a song that inspired me a lot lately. I'm happier now than I used to be some month ago, but I still struggle with myself and others from time to time. It happens that this song plays on my mp3 player whenever I need it. The song is called courageous by casting crowns and as far as I know it was written for a movie with the same name. In this post I want to talk about courage, and what it may mean if you try to be fierce. In between I might add some lyrics, because the song was my inspiration.

"We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains"

This is something that is huge around me. We all want to be part of a special generation, we want to see a revolution. Most of the people around me, no matter which background they come from, are looking for a better world and a brighter tomorrow. We are not the only ones. Isn't it part of a youth's destiny to not accept injustice around us, the will to be rebel? I guess so, but as every generation before us I hope we do something with the energy given to us. Let's be courageous.

"The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands"

Those words are truly powerful. And to be honest, it was this line that came to my mind yesterday evening. This is a Christian song, so they talk about standing before God and doing his will. There is no way we can stand straight before the king of the universe. If you ever understand what a relationship to God means, the power that comes with it, you might understand. Until then, be courageous for other reasons, don't let fear hinder you to do anything.

"We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside"

Again, no matter what you believe in, be passionate about it. Not in a negative, destructive way, but in an open style. Try to motivate others, let them see what your heart cries for. There is a song line by mumford and sons that says: "where you invest your love, you invest your life". So if you only have one life, then take it and make something great.

"Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more"


"We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall"

"May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise"

I guess three days ago those three lines where the ones that made me a little disappointed. It's not only man that can be courageous, courage isn't a limited thing, but as we grow older we learn. I've learned yesterday that a woman can be strong, and she should be, but for a man it's more important. Those lines are supposed to those men of courage who were made for so much more, and they should hear it. I can take my lines, but there are at least as many guys who don't know there value as there are girls, but not a lot of people see it. Plus you know what? I hope to maybe find such a strong guy for myself too, one day.
Let's end this on another line, the final one of the song:

"We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous"
 
Cheerio.

Train thoughts

So I'm currently comfortably sitting in a train, and to be honest that's something I love. I love living where I do, but traveling gives me a sense of liberation, even if I don't go that far. I like observing what's going on outside of the window, I enjoy glimpsing just seconds of other people's lives. Also most of the time I ride trains I'm on my own. It's different when I'm with friends, but by myself I feel that sensation again that I tried to explain last time.

I never get on a train unprepared. My iPod is charged, my phone ready to take pictures, I have water and food and last but not least, a good book in my bag. The book is probably the most important. By having it with me I make sure that I'll always relate to that story as a train story. In my head there will be the link between the story and the journey I made. That helps me feel even more comfortable in trains than I do anyway.

Another thing that is great about sitting in a train are the conversation you might have. Usually when a train conversation takes place then it's with a lovely elderly person. Honestly I'm not the one to start a conversation anyway, but I'm always ready to engage myself in one when the person next to me starts it. That's not all though. I remember twice that I was sitting in a train and eavesdropped a conversation between others. A train is a public place and they were talking normally so there was no reason for me to feel bad. I can still remember what people said in both situations because it was just way to interesting to be missed. In the mean time I'm aware of how often people might've listened to me when I had a talk with someone, so it's about even.

Right now I have a good view on a guy sleeping. That is something I'll probably never understand. When I went to Spain a couple of years ago we went there by night train. The movement made it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep. Moreover I refuse to nap in a public place because you never know what you do whilst being asleep.

I only fear one thing right now. Next year I'll be riding a train every week, to get from where I'll be studying to where I live now. Will trainjourneys loose their magic then? Will they eventually become normal, and even worse, boring? I really don't hope so. I'll do my best to prevent that from happening!
So now I need back to enjoying my journey instead of watching my screen all the time. See you later guys.

Cheerio

Just get lost!

I'm very shy. People who know me a little better might know that shy is the wrong word for it, that it's a bit more complicated. Basically when I'm in my group of friends, then I'm perfectly fine, I just adjust to them and it’s ok. As soon as I have to do something alone, where I don't have nobody’s lead to follow, I get a little lost. That is something I'm working on, I want to be my own boss, I want to become independent, and I know that I can make it. Right now, I'm not. So if I decide now to actually do things alone, then it needs a lot of courage and also effort for it to happen, but I'm fighting my way there.

So a couple of days ago I had a day off of work. The first thing I did was sleep in, as I really needed some kind of break. Around 1 pm I realized that just lingering around in my jim-jams all day wouldn't be enough, even though usually that's my perfect thing to do on such a day. I then decided to take my bike and go to an electric store a bit away from where I'm living because my brother had an unused gift card and I wanted to get a better memory card for my camera. Before I left the house I already felt that it wouldn't be done with just driving there and then go back, I wanted to do some exploring too. 

Now think of it, I live in a rather small city, and I've been living there for twelve years. There aren't that many places left that I don't know like the back of my hand, but I wanted to find one. The last time I felt so strangely melancholic was when I managed to nearly get lost in the forest near my house. I have a good sense of orientation, but at some point I decided to leave the path and to find a way through the scrub. In the end I got out exactly where I thought I would, but to get there was a little adventure, in a save environment. I wanted to do that again.

What I did first was to put in my earphones and to turn of the music. That really helped me to get even more in the mood. Then I asked myself what place I didn't know that well and that I now wanted to see. I saw in my head a picture a friend once posted on Facebook and I knew roughly how to get there. It was even close to the electric store, so the decision was an easy one. It's on the same lake as the city, but separated by a peninsula. I did not even think of it but it happened naturally that I followed the street along the lake to get back to the city, instead of taking the direct way. It went up and down, and it took me about two hours, but in the end I got back. Throughout all of this I knew more or less where I was, but I'd never visited this place before. I was out, on my own, following my strange melancholy to some very beautiful places along my ride. 

When I was back in the city, everything was too loud and too fast. I wasn't out that long, but I felt so calm inside that even those things were disturbing my mood. It was all in all really surreal, but it felt so good. Of course you might wonder why I even shared that, but I've learned to appreciate little moments of happiness, and I was truly happy that day and I was satisfied with having followed my emotions. Just a normal day for everybody else...

Cheerio.

Love is in the air...

Before you even start thinking about it: no, I'm not going to confess my undying love towards someone in this post. If you expected that, then you are more than welcome in the queue of people around me who think I need a boyfriend. It's more of a fact, as spring is now finally happening here, some people get all twitterpated.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that single women of a certain age must be in want of a guy in her life". Ok, I'm sorry to edit Jane Austen a bit here, but honestly? What she said back then and what I'm experiencing right now is a bit similar. Of course I'm not an old maid or anything, but there are already people out there commenting on me being single, why ever. Since about the age of thirteen, when every girl I knew started to "like" boys, I had my crushes too. Not because I was forced, my feelings were sincere, but even back then, I made some decisions others didn't make. When my female friends started to actually get to know those guys better, when they started dating, the gap between them and me started growing. I completely missed the point of dating someone that young, as I wanted to have a serious relationship. I was taught not to date a guy that I couldn't at least imagine me marring later. I knew that I was too sensitive as to just try something out; I just didn't want to be hurt. So whenever we talked about guys I just told them who I fancied that time, but always told them that there wouldn't be more between us. At some point they then tried to convince me different, or the tried to pair me up with someone, which I absolutely disliked.

At first this was just a school thing, as my friends there didn't understand what I meant with a stable relationship and the whole marriage-is-important-thing. At church they understood what I meant, they even approved of it. But you know what, just because you are attending a church the rumours won't stop. It's not about being over curious or even mean, it's just a natural thing that people care about such stuff. So let's get to the reason why I'm writing this today, about both, church and non-church friends that mean too well for you.

I've seen some of my friends starting relationship over the past year and that makes me really happy for them. There is just one thing which is sometimes very annoying. As soon as they are happy, they want you to be as happy as they are. Of course this is lovely and nice, but what they don't consider is the possibility that you might be alright in the situation you are right now. I'd like to be in a relationship at some point, but right now I see no need for that, I am happy exactly where I am, and how I am.

So a couple of weeks ago I was at a friend's birthday party. I got there by bus and in the bus there was a male friend of mine. Of course we started chatting and eventually we arrived there together, what a surprise. I didn't know my friend's parents, so when I and that guy got there together, the mother instantly thought of us as a couple. I managed to figure that out and to clear up any misunderstandings. That wasn't the end of course. I then started talking with another male friend, who is happily in a relationship, and we talked about that topic again. He then told me that he suspected something between me and someone else. I then thought about the shared friends we had and was eventually able to figure out myself who he meant. Yes, you definitely fancy every guy you talk to on some kind of regular basis, because that's how it just is. My evening was completed when a third guy, also in a relationship started to randomly drop names and check my reaction for any interests. Yes, thank you, I can't decide myself who I fancy, I definitly need your help man.

All of this might come across a bit sarcastic, but to be clear, I'm honestly entertained by this. I just recently had an hour long conversation with a female friend about a guy, because she really wants to see us together and there is no way that will ever happen. Of course I played along, because sometimes people won't be stopped until they had what they wanted, or they said it. Yes it was very funny and all, but none of it could be taken seriously. If it's just between me and friends, and the guy we are talking about isn't involved somehow, then it's all fun and games, but don't you dare bring up this topic when they are around. Don't make my friendships awkward in any kind of way, or I'll get angry. We can joke around forever, but when it comes to real relationship, then I can handle it myself. Of course there is one exception, meaning that whatever guy has actually caught my interest, has a role too. Everybody else is politely asked not to put one's nose in other people's business. Thank you sincerely.

Cheerio.

Being alive feels like being in love. Constantly

So I don't claim to have understood it all, I don't say everybody feels the same, but right now, this is the only way I can explain what I feel.

You know how when you are in love for the first time you feel like nobody will ever grasp how you feel for that special someone? People can relate, but they can never understand how you as an individual feel exactly and you are sure that no one has ever felt as much as you do right now. Being in love for the first time means overwhelming emotions. Most of the time it hits us when we are young and unprepared, it feels like a never ending rollercoaster, with it's over joyous ups and its devastating downs and sometimes, your not even sure if you feel something at all.

Right now, in this very moment, and in various moments before too, what I feel when I think of the fact that I'm alive and breathing, is exactly that. When you're in love there are two types of days. There are the good ones, where the sun is brighter, the grass is greener than the day before and every love song is written just for you. Those are the days when only thinking of that someone is enough to carry you through a whole day, whatever might happen, it's enough to know that you live on a planet where he/she exists. You are just happy.. That's how I feel now. I'm happy, everything is good, and I can see a big amount of good things coming my way that I get the impression that it might stay this way forever, that  might feel like this forever. 

But you know what? Sadly there are the bad days too. Those days you realize that your feeling won't be reciprocated. The sad realization might hit you over and over again, because you are blinded by your feelings and you might even be in denial about it, but deep down you know that even if there ever was a chance for you, then there is not one right now, that everything was just in your head. Those are the days when you feel hopeless, like you'll never be happy again. I've had enough of these days, I know how heavy they feel on your shoulder, how they make you breathless and numb. At some point you might even try to gather the strength to end the relationship. In terms of life that might be a deadly decision, but most of us overcome this state of mind after a while.

The problem is, a human being might give in, you get a response to your feelings at some point, but life won't. it feels like it's better on some days than on others, but it's the same every day, so it is now time to change perspective. What if you see every phase of your life as a different love, not life in general but different parts of it?

As a kid, life is a good friend. Later it's your first love, you make mistakes and at some point you break up, which makes you feel sad for a while. Eventually, you feel better and fall in love again. This time it's more stable, you are ready for more serious things, maybe ready for forever. Of course this doesn't keep up, the feelings might fade away, but you need to keep holding on to it. At some point you realize that forever isn't as easy as you thought it was, that life is supposed to be a rollercoaster and that love alone doesn’t last forever anyway. When you get there, the only thing I hope is that you can remember at least Emily Dickinson words: "Forever  is composed of nows". Feel the moment, and at some point even what feels like forever will have passed in an instant. So don't love forever, just love now and you might be in love all over agian.

Cheerio.

Write as if no one is reading

Even though I still know exactly how many people I gave the link to this blog, I found myself controlling what I wanted to write more and more the past few days. Of course I did a bit of promoting elsewhere, whether we talk about links on my YouTube channel or when I make a answer on another blog, but whoever gets on my blog through that, seems to be interested in whatever I produced to get them here, so it's a completely different. The thing is I just happen to worry too much about what others may or may not think of me.

Whenever I started writing a post in my head lately, I found myself censoring little things that I was insecure about, especially due to some people being able to read this. I didn't think that the general topic was bad, but more about what I reviled about myself and maybe others could be used against me. Of course I don't want to offend anyone in general, but if you built your opinion about me solely from what you read on here I don't have to fear anything, because it means that right now, I don't know you. What made me scared was the fact that it could change the opinion some have about me, namely of people that I see on a regular basis, or even worse, of people whose opinion I care about.

It shouldn’t be solely orientated about people I know, it should also be about people I don't know yet.. Right now, on this date, I get about 2-3 page views a day. It's not much, but at the end of a month it adds up to a nice number. It means that I might have people actually interested in my writing, and not part of a "friendship support" as I like to call it.

The thing is, here I can express myself. I don't promote this blog on Facebook, and whenever I share it with someone I explain certain posts. Some months ago I wrote about me feeling sad a lot. I was scared that my friends could take that one post wrong, that they might start to worry about me, even though there was nothing for them to be afraid of. Lately I thought about different things. For example about me sharing my opinions on Christianity or just simply, repeat a conversations I had with friends. The thought that one of those people reading would find my conclusions weird, or wrong, made me insecure about my own writing, which I really shouldn’t be.

I want to become better at writing and in order for that I need to practice it in any form. This blog is a great chance for that, but it's also a way to get to know myself a little better.

This whole thinking lead to one thing, namely a Quote by Souza “Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth.” This may sound simple, and even worse, childish, but since I heard it the first time I loved it. I want to do that. I want to be known as a person who is straight forward. I want to be able to express my opinions on here, because this is the place where I have absolute power ;).

To sum this all up, the content on here won't change; this was just a little inside into my head. On the other hand I wanted to reassure myself that is ok for me to talk freely. And last but not least, if you are a friend of mine reading this and something seems utterly strange to you, then just tell me in person and I have absolutely no reason to even worry about that. (Oh and I don't say you gave me reasons to worry, I just did it anyway).

Cheerio