A working human being

For a very long time I have been obsessed with his idea that I would only find purpose in my own life as long as I was seen as useful by society. That's part of the reason why I felt so bad during my gap year, sitting home alone wasn't giving me that feeling of satisfaction I was looking for. On the other hand I'm not that typical hard working person. I know enough people who invest their everything in one or more parts of their life up to the point that I sincerely have to worry about them and stuff like their sleeping schedules. I've always been a bit on the lazy things when it comes to getting things done and I'm rocking whatever task, as long as I do it last minute.

I'm a responsible human and sometimes when things do not work out as planned I take the blame even though I shouldn't. When I'm upset over something I'll consider what the other people involved feel and I force myself not to be upset because on some level I can always relate to their pain. I simply force myself to be understanding, loving and caring, to a point where I can't handle it anymore, because I forget the most important person in my life, the one I’m supposed to look after the most.

I forget that most of my emotions are real, valuable, and that pain demands to be felt. I tend to oversee the fact that I value other people’s feelings, so why not mine? There is no need for getting past a problem before it is fully solved. Why fight the symptoms when I'm supposed to get to the cause first, to prevent further problems to arise. I hardly ever take medication, and it's even rarer that I take a tablet just because I'm having some sort of pain. I either now the source of it or I'll suffer through it without chemical help. 

There is this quote that I have told myself over and over again which says life is not about existing, or functioning, but about living. So just to be a working human being, a useful part of society isn't what my life should be about, still I always find myself forgetting that in moments of leisure and I decide to call myself lazy instead of taking that time off for myself. We are not robots, nor puppets, programmed to act a certain way, each individual is unique and reacts different.

I'm a full bag of emotions and when I decided to ignore that several years back, because I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, they found a way to make me aware of it in new ways. All of a sudden, no previous warnings, I would get those awful waves of dizziness and terrible nauseas. I would not even comprehend the situation, why exactly, but after a while it was gone again. It took several month of this before it turned worse and I threw up on a regular basis, which caused me to eat less because I couldn't keep it down anymore, which caused more nausea as my body was aching for food that I wasn't able to eat due to raging nausea. Beautiful vicious circle. That started four years ago and it took me two years to get past it.

It's actually quite horrifying to have a body that feels like it can just stop working on you at any given time. I used to hate myself for what I looked like, then I worked on that because when you are as easily attacked as I am you don't need yourself pushing you down all the time. I even found a strange kind of optimism again that I was capable of fighting through it, which is probably gone by now, starved to death.

Now it's back since three months and I absolutely cannot fathom going through this once more, especially if I see how long it took me to get better. The worst part is I can't do anything anymore, at least that's how I feel. Last time I took some month off where I would still go to school, but apart from that I was merely looking for inner peace. Due to that I didn't go to a camp and I missed out on other fun activities out of sheer fear to be stressed out. Missing things you would’ve actually very much liked to do with people you very much love to spend time with is absolutely stupid. I felt so bad after such a day of being in, missing potentially making some beautiful memories with my friends, that it just added to my misery.

Today we have such a crap day once more. The guys from my youth group are organizing a LAN party (Pc-gaming) and I have literally been looking forward to it for weeks, if not months. I have practiced playing one of the games but this week my body decided to put me at my lowest again. It's currently almost 8:00 am; I've been awake since 5:30 with the highest possible amount of having slept two hours, probably less. My stomach is killing me so much that I can't imagine eating a lot today, which won't help myself tomorrow either. I wouldn't come far if I left the house and honestly, I feel too gross and low to be with them. I'm so frustrated and disappointed in myself that at six in the morning I started sending out prayer requests to some of my closest friends. Of course it's not about the party alone, it's about how I hate living my life so low profile that I don't get worked up, that's not a life worth living for. Besides, being excited for something causes a certain amount of stress and oh well, I don't like the idea of not looking forward to things anymore just so that I don't have to worry to be able to attend, that's stupid.

What am I supposed to do? Quit my responsibilities at youth group, stop working at the library, stay away from church, or quit university? (Jup more than half of my life is church, ok?) I don't have many things that I can cut down with and I don't consider doing it anyway, I refuse to give in. The pain of missing out would be worse than that.

On the other hand I need to get myself together once more. In a week's time I'll be in Mallorca again, and I assume that it will be exciting and exhausting, just like last year. With only a quarter of my energy level there is a high chance of me not being able to enjoy anything, and that sucks so bad I could cry. I feel like I'm in this hole in the ground and there is no other way out so I have to jump up to get to its edges and then use my strength to pull myself out. That sounds impossible to me. I have to think about that first, contemplating whether or not I'm able to face my demons once again and fight through. In the end I won't have any other possibilities, as just dropping dead doesn't seem to be an option. Besides, the first thing I'm doing now is trying to feel happy, because a good attitude fights those demons off like nothing else. Optimism, come back to me, I need you!

Yes I'm rambling, about a teeny tiny thing in comparison to other things happening in the world right now. Complaining is good though, it frees the spirit. I needed to be an egoist today and I might need to keep that up for a little longer, because I'm so bad at suffering in silence. Now at almost 10:00 I feel already a little better. I’ve talked with my brother about coping strategies because we suffer from the same problem occasionally, and as I decided against heading in to work today because it would've made everything worse, I might be able to change this day from horrible to ok, which would be amazing.

Thanks for reading through this if you did. I can hate on female stereotypes as much as I want, nothing helps myself like letting my worries out!

Hope you have a lovely day

Cheerio.

What it feels like for a girl

As a friend of mine once said to me; "You are not en estrogen bomb". What he wanted to say in context that I might not be the measure of all things female, which I couldn't agree more. Now don't get me wrong, I very much love to be female and I don't want to be a guy at all, all I'm saying is that the typical female stereotypes might not all apply to me.

My mum always says that we are not as typical because even though we are probably as emotional as every other woman too, we also have like a layer of sense above that. Again, I say that's the difference to the stereotype, there are thousands of women who don't apply to that cliche and I'm aware of that. I'm not sure if I see it exactly like here, because sometimes I'm very much just emotional or hormonal as some unknowing men would like to call it. 

I like spending time with male specimen. When I was younger that was not the case, but nowadays I do. We had a class reunion a few weeks ago and after eating at a Mexican restaurant we went to a bar. In there we met three guys who went to school with us, but not in the same class. With two of them I went to primary school and I've known them since I was seven. It casually happened that I engaged in a conversation with them, I think about girls. At some point one of the guys took my phone, looked at my contacts and at some photos. I let him because I didn't mind. A minute later a friend of my class approached me, gave me a distinguished smile and said: "Did he give you his number?" I couldn't do anything but shake my head. I had been talking to them for fun, I think we even talked about the girl one of them fancies and he even texted my flatmate because he thought she was cute. I’m ok with being one of the guys in some situations.

I'm a woman, but I'm not being friends with guys to find a boyfriend, nor do I try to fit in where I don't belong. In my opinion I'm just acting natural. I don't have to pretend to find video games cool, because even though I haven't played a massive amount of them,  I grew up with a brother who thought me the essentials. Besides I really think the legend of Zelda and Assassin's Creed are rad games. Sometimes I like the kind of irony and sarcasm that, in my surrounding, is found more often in guys than in gals. I also get the ambiguous jokes some guys like to make, and sometimes I can’t help but laugh at them. Lastly, occasionally I think there is nothing more fun than having a play fight with someone. I'm neither strong nor athletic, which means at some point I kind of have enough and give up, to that mark though I totally enjoy it! Men are like little boys, and sometimes I like to let my inner kid out too.

The next thing I want to talk about is cloths, appearance and all these things. Mostly I wear jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no earrings, hair brushed but open, only little jewelry like a watch and bracelet and occasionally a necklace. I don't spend a lot of time figuring out what to wear in the morning, I just grab a pair of jeans, and depending on the colour I pick a t-shirt (I just don't want to wear all black for example). If I'm really honest that's not how I like to look though. I once had a conversation with a dear friend about what we would wear if we didn't mind at all. I told her I'd be looking way more feminine that I do know. I like skirts and dresses. I enjoy putting on make-up and I can't wait till my hair is long enough to get my next project done (red ombré ends). Also I have started a little obsession with nail polish the past few weeks. 

Why don't I just change then? I once wore pink lipstick to church and the review were very mixed. Also skirts can be annoying if you are not the best-behaved person which means you don't want the world to see your knickers whilst driving a bike or sitting on the floor. Make-up is difficult because once people get used to your make-up face, they forget how you look without, which means you'll look rather bad. I want to treat myself with these things, and a treat is only effective if it's not a regular. Also I probably still put way too much thought in being judged by others. Bad move.

It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman just because right after pride & prejudice, my second favourite movie of all time is the matrix trilogy. Just because sometimes I get so annoyed by fellow females that I just need to watch an action movie, doesn't mean I do not love my gender. Only because I'm stubborn enough to try and do almost everything on my own and I hate to get help doesn't mean I can't accept it when I really need it. Finally, it doesn't make me less of a woman to be technical support to my dad, to my Uni friends and to my flatmates (who cannot even change a freaking light bulb on their own). It just makes me more of the woman I'd like myself to be. I have some manliness points for cliff jumping and watching the movie "300" but I'm pretty sure I lost them the moment I decided to never jump again or when I started painting my nails out of boredom while watching the movie. I can not replace any man ever ;)

Now there is one topic I'm purposely not going to talk about, that's the whole rape culture thing. That would be way more than I actually want to talk about. There is injustice towards women that's for sure, and as the person I am I have no right to judge that in any way. This post concentrates on stereotype that I think can be annoying, but in the end they do no actual harm.

As a cisgender heterosexual female I can say that some aspects of my gender help me whereas others set boundaries I don’t like. I’m lucky to be living in a world where it’s ok not to get married and have kids. I live in a world where a woman chases her goals, whatever they might be. Every human being on this planet is different, whether you have two X chromosomes, XY or something else. From Tomboys to Fashionistas, whatever floats your boat is what you should live, same applies of course for the males. Stereotypes and statistics do not determine a person. Society tries to but if you won’t let it, if you do you, then it stands no chance.

Thank God I’m a woman ;)

Cheerio. 

P.S If you want to hear a song about this topic that I love click this.

Easy to carry along

I'm writing this post before I write something in my diary about yesterday, so the thoughts are still fresh and have not left my brain yet. Also usually I don't talk as much about my personal relationship with God, as again, it's probably the utmost private thing I have, but I want to share my thoughts here today. Also in this post I just chat about things that go on at my church, including things that cannot be easily explained as they are supernatural. I still try my best to explain everything briefly. Due to the length of this post I’m going to divide it into two parts, firstly some general things and then the events of last Sunday.

Last weekend I had a great time, even though quite a while I thought that this wouldn't be the case. Let me elaborate. Our church had some visitors from the USA who were on a mission trip in Switzerland. They all attend the same school that belongs to a big church in the US. I have not yet seen through it completely, but when it comes to that church, my church is kind of obsessed.

I really consider it unhealthy from time to time, and I have never made an effort to hide me being displeased. Yes, some of my friends are there, or they plan to attend, some have paid it a visit before. I'd never say they are some kind of fangirls/boys, following the newest trend. I believe that the movement there does a lot of good in the name of God and that I know nothing bad about them to say, but I still have a big problem with what's going on. Sometimes it seems that this church alone is good, holy and blessed. They listen to their music, watch their services online, read their pastor's books and all in all it looks like they are putting those people way too high above themselves. Yes, they are gifted, but so are people in our church. They reach more people, but since when is it quantity over quality? (I didn't say that the quality is bad, but from what I know they started out small, like everyone does)

You see, I'm not opposed to the work, nor the people, but I'm opposed to the hype. Some people behaved like we were going to have celebrities in the house, when all they did was using their God given gift for what they got it, serving. They probably received better teaching than most of us so they serve very well, but from what I got to know about them they also have a servants heart, which means they are humble. Before this weekend I was so distracted by what people said and how they reacted to their coming, that I myself put this group on a pedestal, just on a bad one. I'm more than happy to say that I was wrong.

There is a reason why I act opposed to the whole behaviour and I must admit it's not because I'm clever enough to see through people who just play along and are secretly dishonest with themselves. I get told that I'm reasonable a lot which is probably a good description and I like it. The problem is that apart from being reasonable I am also very passionate. If I'd let myself then I could easily jump on every bandwagon around me. I just don't want that all the time, so I keep that passion stored somewhere inside of me so it doesn't break loose all the time. That doesn't mean that I'm calm or anything, I have no problem to express myself and be a bit crazy, but there is one area of life when it's very different, namely everything that has to do with God.

I don't want to exaggerate around him; I just want to be me, and the most me I could actually be. I don't want to be shaken or swept off my feet, just because it happens to my peers. I don't want to lift my hands during worship because it's the norm at church. I don't want to pray in tongues, or pretend to be able to do it just for the sake of belonging. (Disclaimer, I don't say I knew of anyone who does that but could easily see it happen). Me and God, us, that's what I want. I want to honour him because I want to. I want to desire to follow where he leads me because that's my actual heart cry to. For me, God does not do anything to force me, he just picks up my hand and then we see together what's next. I'm not his puppet, instead we are a team. He talks to me in the way that makes me comfortable, he doesn't want to scare me and for me that shows just how much he loves me, as a unique person.

That was all I wanted to write about today, the second part follows Wednesday

Cheerio.

Liberate yourself

There is this episode of the TV series "How I met your mother" in which they say that every person has their own baggage to carry. They take that quite literally with displaying heavy bags that with one person even piled up. That episode stood out to me especially (apart from me being a series junky of course) as I'm very familiar with that metaphor as I had a best friend who considered himself a carrier. We used that word between us to describe how people would always come to him and ask for advice, thus leaving whatever they had on their shoulders on his. As of recently I've had that topic back in my mind due to the things that were happen around me.

It kind of started with a conversation at a bar. I wish the story was as cool at it begins (bars do still sound cool to me, ok?), but it was not that special after all. Two friends and I went to a bar and talked for more than two hours. When at first we just chatted, at some point it became deeper. We started talking about how former experience changed the person we are now and that due to what happened in the past we act different in the present. At some point one of them said how it affected them specific. I never saw that person in that light even though I was familiar with their story. I did not think that the whole situation had such a deep impact on them. Finally my personal conclusion from this conversation was that some baggage is good, keeps us to the ground and reminds us of who we are supposed to be, whereas others ties us back when all we are supposed to do is rise up and leave it behind, forever. 

That's easier said than done. I mean I have tried various times to get over some issues that I've been aware of for a while now and about every blue moon they come up again, triggered by the most random things. It happened again last Friday. Again, a late night, good conversations with dear friends. Eventually one of my friends started to talk about a personality test he took that sorts you into one out of nine categories. We did not actually take a test; we just read some aspect of each type and thus decided who were thought we were. When I read the full description of what I figured was mine I was actually close to tears. Actually I was very much in shock. There were things described that I've never actually realized this way before. I got home that night and I was so confused and emotionally touched it left me with little sleep only.

One of the things that I realized was that as a person who has a ridiculously good memory is that I do not only hold on to the nice ones. I try to forgive quickly and most of the times it works but you know... Sometimes I fail. So this week I found myself buried deep down in confusion, thoughts, and well, sadness. In addition to being emotional anyway I also had the pleasure to give my beloved cat to an animal centre. It sucked and all that and well, added up to my momentarily malaise. Nothing huge, just a reason to eat a lot of chocolate, watch pride & prejudice and after that, finally getting back to being functional again.

Today I got up at half past six, cleaned my whole room and got rid of some things. I can me somewhat of a stockpiler and well, sometimes you need to draw the line in order to feel free of what should be left behind. No point of keeping everything that has the tiniest emotional value to you, measure what you really want to keep, cut out the rest completely, once and for all. Well at least I needed to do that. Getting rid of the cat tree was necessary for me, as was throwing away a very certain pen, some written pages and a tiny scrap. Nope, they were not connected, but all of those things I knew I couldn't keep around anymore if I wanted to finish those things up. During that process I felt it, like a weight lift.

I'm not sure if this concluded the way I wanted it too, but I kind of had to write about it here. Be aware of your past, but don't clamp to it and believe that you cannot do something just because of what happened previously. Find the right balance I guess.

Cheerio.

Hit me baby one more time

I should probably just stop making titles out of pop songs I don't even like, but the other option I had was "from Saul to Paul" which from the perspective of a non-church person sounds either bad or like absolutely nothing. Anyway, here is the thing.

There is this topic that has haunted me for a long time now and whenever it reappears in my head I struggle with it all over. If you dislike everything biblically touched then feel free to skip this paragraph from here on. Otherwise just continue it is actually something more or less relatable. I'm not sure if you are familiar with the biblical story, but there was this bad guy called Saul who wanted to haunt down all the Christians only some years after Jesus had died. He was very successful doing it until one day all of a sudden he had an encounter with Jesus himself and that changed his life forever. Usually this little story and his life are used as a metaphor to cheer up those who consider them self too flawed as that they could ever be used by God.

As a person who lived on this planet for nearly twenty years let me tell you two things. Firstly we are all flawed and broken human beings. We all have scars somewhere, visible or not. Secondly, still some people have it worse than others and I just know where my place is in that scale.

I am a lucky girl. Don't get me wrong, I remember this time a year ago I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. You can now either think I'm weak or you understand that the breaking point of everyone is different. As you can see it took me less than a year from the ground up again. My life consists of valleys and peaks and I make sure to enjoy the view from a viewpoint as long as I'm up there. The next little down is probably just around the corner, its shadows reaching for me. I should just be grateful for all the sun that I got during my life, but it's a source of fear instead.


There's this saying "God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers". I mean if you are going through a hard time that sounds perfect, but when you know yourself that you handle things moderately then it's not as pleasant. This saying basically makes me the weakest soldier to ever join the forces. I honestly fear that I will not be taken seriously ever if my life resolves like this. Don't we all look up to those incredibly strong people who have not been taken down by anything?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for actual bad things to hit me, that'd just be plain stupid, no thanks. I also know what some people around me went through and I am very thankful that I didn't have to deal with it. Sometimes I just fear that due to me being what I call lucky, I do not understand how hard it actually is. Pain forms you, no one can tell me it doesn't. Imagine this piece of clay. It doesn't become a beautiful vase without some serious kneading, right? Humans are the same I think.

The fears get even worse when I think of what I want to do in the future. I might see some pretty terrible things later and I'm not absolutely positive that I can handle them. I've known that for a long time now and I still worry that that's the main reason why I'm not supposed to ever work in the field I plan to. What if I just fail due to my own weakness or because I simply won't be taken serious.

I'm a white girl, coming out of a family whit not too many issues. What do I know about the real world, about things like depression, violence, poverty, world hunger, drug abuse? Nothing. There are some other things I know though. I know that I'm willingly to learn about them. I want to listen, I want to help. I might not be strong yet, but I'll learn it, step by step, fight by fight. 

Sometimes I also feel like not yet awake. I think that there is more to me that I am now and I want to use my full potential. How do I wake up when I feel like I'm asleep all the time? How do I get past that stand-by mode, how do I awake the Paul that lives inside this lazy little Saul?

I think it's about transformation in general, about growing over you, again and again. You don't need to hit rock bottom, but you need to face fears. Everyone needs to fight their own battles, one demon at a time. If my biggest problem is my own laziness then that doesn't mean it's less of a problem than real life depression. Whatever hurts me is something I as a person cannot tolerate anymore. I might not have heroic stories afterwards, but I'll have personal growth and trust me, nothing is worse than standing still for too long.

Cheerio.

P.s. Sorry I'm lame, NaNoWriMo is eating my soul and my time. Which is a bad excuse but yeah .