To everything is a season

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of youth recently. By that I don't mean the whole media thing with youthful skin etc, no I just mean then part between teenage years and (young) adulthood. A friend of mine is getting married this summer and she recently said it will be the end of her youth. Another friend said that it was part of her youth to sit in a car with me and chat for hours. Both things together made me think about what I feel that youth is like, how I would determine it exactly, and I came up with a definition that somehow pleased me.

Youth is a time of taking up responsibility. As a kid, you can't take care of yourself. Your parents make all your appointments; they give you food, money, shelter, cloths. You don't really own anything. The older you get, the more is yours. Pocket money is the first time you get responsibility for your finances. You start to make your own appointments, with friends, the hairdresser or the dentist. At some points you will travel alone for the first time. I was 11 years old when I took a 1h train journey by myself for the first time. I went to see a friend and it all happened on very short notice. 

It all happens at a different pace for each individual, but it all happens at some point. When you are a teenager you are already kind of independent, at least in your late teens, most have either finished high school or some other form of basic education, if you want to stay out late, then you can, because you are either close to turning of age, or you are already. Your parents might still give you rules, but most leave you be, you should be old enough to judge a matter.

That's when youth starts for me, when you are old enough to judge, someone who is able to take care of themselves, a responsible human being. It is not exactly tied to an age, but more to a stage of mind. You may choose to take care for other people, but you are mostly supposed to take care of your own well being. Travel the world, study, go crazy. Just do it, because you are as independent as you'll ever be. Your future belongs to you alone-

Well why did my friend say that her youth was ending? She wasn't sad about the fact, just commenting on the inevitable. Also she was looking forward to this chapter to end I guess. Her youth in that sense is ending, because she won't be independent anymore. She will take up responsibility for her husband, for an "us" instead of a "me/I". Her youth is ending not because she is turning a certain age, but because all of a sudden she is tied to something. Something good I'd say, but still tied.

I asked myself what "makes" my youth. I feel like I’m currently in the middle of it. I have a lot of things going on and I’m happy with that busyness, even though it means that I am not always doing the things I need to do exactly when I have to do them. It’s all about priorities. My youth consists of long days and short nights. Late night talks, late nights going out, late nights reading, studying/ paper writing, watching movies, chatting on whatsapp, maybe even sleeping. Every once in a while I'll spend a night tossing and turning in my bed, because the future scares me. Throughout the day I work, go to church, go to uni, chat, drink tea/hot chocolate at starbucks, read, I write, enjoy my free time that I have to my own availability. I make plans on my own and I love nothing more than deciding spontaneously to do something. Those things I listed are not youth-only, but I guess that when I'm older I will tell stories of that.

I don't travel the world; I prefer seeing the world of my friends, of the people around me. I live through others, throughout those deep and honest conversations that just happen. I want to seize my youth as long as I am in this season, for when it ends for whatever reason, I'll have a feeling that it is indeed time to finish this chapter and start a new one. 

Until then, I'll have my fun right where I am at!

Cheerio.

What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.

Take your time to be lazy

So I work half time. I know that it's not to be compared to working full time. I have quite a few people around me who have told me that there is no reason for me to be tired, that they were doing more, and so on. I get that. Still, I get tired too, as my job can be quite stressful.

I'm cleaning at a hospital. There are three things which are essential: we have to be quick, we have to be nice and we have to be very clean. On special days, I'd say about every Monday to Sunday, we have to be even quicker, nicer and cleaner. It is hard work. After working four hours I usually get home and collapse on my sofa, not able to move for the next hour or so. But yeah, you know, only working half-time here. (I have the most respect for people who can keep that up full time for years and years)

When I started working at the hospital I thought I wouldn't make it long there. After a while it went better, but now I'm really much looking forward to an end soon. I've realized that I practically worked since four month, most of the times five days a week, sometimes on the weekends. Apart from that I started to engage myself at my youth group, I kept up with friends, my writing, found a flat, applied to Uni and went through various fights with my parents. I don't say I have it harder than others, but the sum of all the things that have been going on in my life is pretty heavy for me. 

And you know what? I don't see it getting any less stressful the coming months with moving out, starting Uni and various other things. Even though I did not realize it at first, there were signs of exhaustion going on with me. I stopped writing my diary, even though I wanted to, instead I went to bed. I had to quit appointments with friends because my calendar was overfilled. In general, I had to organize and plan way more things instead of just being able to confirm them. It was all getting over my head. I was tired all the time, even though I had reasonable sleeping hours.

When I look back, I did not remember having much time to idle since mid-march. Of course I had small time bubbles, but they were very very limited. This week was different though. I exchanged shifts with a person that works with me. She did both our half-time shifts on Monday to Wednesday this week, and I'll be doing the same next week. That left me with a five day weekend this week. I really felt like I was having holidays.

So what productive things did I do these past few days? Not many. Three days were spent not leaving my pyjamas, playing Assassin’s Creed in my brother’s room like the addicted person I am right now. That was the best, seriously. I did not have any reason to feel guilty about how I spent my day, I did not have any better plans anyway, for the first time in a while. On Sunday of course I went to church and spent the afternoon with my friends by the river. The last day I was with one of my best friend who just got back from England. We tried to escape the heat wave by stand in the entrance of shops, as the air conditioning is very pleasant there. We also went shopping of course. This happened spontaneously also, due to me having spare time.

Now I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow, I'd prefer having some more free time. Also I don't look forward to work my butt off on the start of next week. But at least I feel a little relaxed again. I think that, even though it sounds stupid, I really need to make time again for those things. Time to do nothing. I used to have that a lot. Someday I might explain to you how I used to design my free time until now. But for today, I’d say it’s time that I go to bed again. 

Cheerio.

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Life updates are cancelled due to me having neither time nor energy to go jogging. I also didn't do any other mayor things about myself lately. My sleepiness is ruining everything right now ;)

Being alive feels like being in love. Constantly

So I don't claim to have understood it all, I don't say everybody feels the same, but right now, this is the only way I can explain what I feel.

You know how when you are in love for the first time you feel like nobody will ever grasp how you feel for that special someone? People can relate, but they can never understand how you as an individual feel exactly and you are sure that no one has ever felt as much as you do right now. Being in love for the first time means overwhelming emotions. Most of the time it hits us when we are young and unprepared, it feels like a never ending rollercoaster, with it's over joyous ups and its devastating downs and sometimes, your not even sure if you feel something at all.

Right now, in this very moment, and in various moments before too, what I feel when I think of the fact that I'm alive and breathing, is exactly that. When you're in love there are two types of days. There are the good ones, where the sun is brighter, the grass is greener than the day before and every love song is written just for you. Those are the days when only thinking of that someone is enough to carry you through a whole day, whatever might happen, it's enough to know that you live on a planet where he/she exists. You are just happy.. That's how I feel now. I'm happy, everything is good, and I can see a big amount of good things coming my way that I get the impression that it might stay this way forever, that  might feel like this forever. 

But you know what? Sadly there are the bad days too. Those days you realize that your feeling won't be reciprocated. The sad realization might hit you over and over again, because you are blinded by your feelings and you might even be in denial about it, but deep down you know that even if there ever was a chance for you, then there is not one right now, that everything was just in your head. Those are the days when you feel hopeless, like you'll never be happy again. I've had enough of these days, I know how heavy they feel on your shoulder, how they make you breathless and numb. At some point you might even try to gather the strength to end the relationship. In terms of life that might be a deadly decision, but most of us overcome this state of mind after a while.

The problem is, a human being might give in, you get a response to your feelings at some point, but life won't. it feels like it's better on some days than on others, but it's the same every day, so it is now time to change perspective. What if you see every phase of your life as a different love, not life in general but different parts of it?

As a kid, life is a good friend. Later it's your first love, you make mistakes and at some point you break up, which makes you feel sad for a while. Eventually, you feel better and fall in love again. This time it's more stable, you are ready for more serious things, maybe ready for forever. Of course this doesn't keep up, the feelings might fade away, but you need to keep holding on to it. At some point you realize that forever isn't as easy as you thought it was, that life is supposed to be a rollercoaster and that love alone doesn’t last forever anyway. When you get there, the only thing I hope is that you can remember at least Emily Dickinson words: "Forever  is composed of nows". Feel the moment, and at some point even what feels like forever will have passed in an instant. So don't love forever, just love now and you might be in love all over agian.

Cheerio.