To everything is a season

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of youth recently. By that I don't mean the whole media thing with youthful skin etc, no I just mean then part between teenage years and (young) adulthood. A friend of mine is getting married this summer and she recently said it will be the end of her youth. Another friend said that it was part of her youth to sit in a car with me and chat for hours. Both things together made me think about what I feel that youth is like, how I would determine it exactly, and I came up with a definition that somehow pleased me.

Youth is a time of taking up responsibility. As a kid, you can't take care of yourself. Your parents make all your appointments; they give you food, money, shelter, cloths. You don't really own anything. The older you get, the more is yours. Pocket money is the first time you get responsibility for your finances. You start to make your own appointments, with friends, the hairdresser or the dentist. At some points you will travel alone for the first time. I was 11 years old when I took a 1h train journey by myself for the first time. I went to see a friend and it all happened on very short notice. 

It all happens at a different pace for each individual, but it all happens at some point. When you are a teenager you are already kind of independent, at least in your late teens, most have either finished high school or some other form of basic education, if you want to stay out late, then you can, because you are either close to turning of age, or you are already. Your parents might still give you rules, but most leave you be, you should be old enough to judge a matter.

That's when youth starts for me, when you are old enough to judge, someone who is able to take care of themselves, a responsible human being. It is not exactly tied to an age, but more to a stage of mind. You may choose to take care for other people, but you are mostly supposed to take care of your own well being. Travel the world, study, go crazy. Just do it, because you are as independent as you'll ever be. Your future belongs to you alone-

Well why did my friend say that her youth was ending? She wasn't sad about the fact, just commenting on the inevitable. Also she was looking forward to this chapter to end I guess. Her youth in that sense is ending, because she won't be independent anymore. She will take up responsibility for her husband, for an "us" instead of a "me/I". Her youth is ending not because she is turning a certain age, but because all of a sudden she is tied to something. Something good I'd say, but still tied.

I asked myself what "makes" my youth. I feel like I’m currently in the middle of it. I have a lot of things going on and I’m happy with that busyness, even though it means that I am not always doing the things I need to do exactly when I have to do them. It’s all about priorities. My youth consists of long days and short nights. Late night talks, late nights going out, late nights reading, studying/ paper writing, watching movies, chatting on whatsapp, maybe even sleeping. Every once in a while I'll spend a night tossing and turning in my bed, because the future scares me. Throughout the day I work, go to church, go to uni, chat, drink tea/hot chocolate at starbucks, read, I write, enjoy my free time that I have to my own availability. I make plans on my own and I love nothing more than deciding spontaneously to do something. Those things I listed are not youth-only, but I guess that when I'm older I will tell stories of that.

I don't travel the world; I prefer seeing the world of my friends, of the people around me. I live through others, throughout those deep and honest conversations that just happen. I want to seize my youth as long as I am in this season, for when it ends for whatever reason, I'll have a feeling that it is indeed time to finish this chapter and start a new one. 

Until then, I'll have my fun right where I am at!

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

Cheers to 2013, Hello 2014

I know, I know, I'm late to the whole year recap thing, but better late than never. Besides, we are on the first page of a 365 pages long new chapter and even though I mocked the idea of the calendar changing to be something important to a human life just yesterday, I can imagine it to be a good milestone to recollect past happenings and to re-evaluate ones life. To be honest sometimes I'm convinced that studying sociology is the best thing for me, considering how much I like to overanalyse things like New Year.

I'm not sure if I'm ever able to say: "This was my best year". Every year has had its ups and downs. I remember December 2012 was rough; I was pretty depressed and sad. One evening shortly before the year ended I remember crying my eyes out because I couldn't take it no more. What was it? Life in general. You see I started last year not in the best mood, and I continued it until halfway through February. Then the first step on my recovery happened, it was the day that I was offered the money to go on that mission trip that I talked about in an earlier post. It was something that didn't have to do with my problems considering finding a job and a flat for college, but it was a sign that everything might turn out just alright somehow.

I recently checked through my diary and read the things I wrote last year. I couldn't help but smile. In march I wrote that I finally felt like I was on the upgrade as I had found a job and about two weeks later I was approached by my youth pastor and asked if I wanted to become a youth group leader. Of course I also like March because it was my birthday and finally because I filmed my first ever YouTube video in the middle of the month. It was pretty awesome.

In April I started working, which was tiring but I was so happy to be finally doing something again. Also I actually became a youth group leader. May and June were month when nothing very spectacular happened, at least nothing that is really worth to be mentioned. July I only remember having to work more, being exhausted and also preparing for Mallorca. Also throughout this time I was tutoring a friend of mine in English which was something that I quite liked. Last but not least I found a flat, even though I was very sceptical about that, but it didn't end up quite as bad. 

August was Mallorca, which definitely marks the highlight of my year. The best part about it? I'm coming back this year! During this time I also grew back closer to a friend who I wasn't that close anymore before. September meant moving out and starting University. A huge step for me, a real adventure but a good one. 

My favourite about October definitely was going to Germany in order to visit the people I met in Mallorca. That was another adventure. I went there with the friend I grew closer again, but I wanted to meet someone from Stuttgart before heading over to Karlsruhe, so it was my first time going to a foreign country on my own and it was also the first time to organize a travel. I know it's nothing huge, but for me it meant quite something. It showed to me once more that I want to keep crossing my own boundaries and get past the things I know. That adventure included being a total minority, seeing dear friends and even going to visit a prison. Pretty cool.

November was challenging. I did my first "preach" in front of my youth group which made me very nervous. I'm not very good with standing in front of people, but I aim to be, so I'm not afraid to work on that. I'm pretty ok with how it went in the end. Besides there was NaNoWriMo, and busy weekends in general as everything seemed to be crammed into the last two month of the year.

December was rough, family drama deluxe, studying for finals, Christmas, and New Year. I struggled again but I told myself to keep looking on the bright spots, the support of my friends, the dance we had at our church and the fact that I survived my first semester and that I could take a break again. The past few days were chaotic but alright in the end. 

After some shenanigans on Sunday I found my eyes to feel rather sore which turned out to be an eye infection. The problem was that I had promised to co-host my church's New Years Eve party and that we had nothing planned. After going to the doctor yesterday he gave me an ok to go, but sadly the other co-host was sick. So yesterday included running to the doctor's, calling a friend very humbly to ask if he would co-host with me (which to my utter surprise he agreed to do), helping to set up the decoration, planning somewhat of a program to entertain the crowd for a while, hosting and besides, trying not to infect anyone and finally actually enjoying myself within that chaos. It all worked out, probably largely because said friend not only stepped in as co-host, but also as technician filling the gap that a sick organiser leaves behind. Even though he does not read my blog, a massive thank you once again. Good to know I have friends that I can spontaneously count on.

To be fair that is not even close to what went on during this year, but all that I thought to be important enough to mention. The year in general was filled with friends, laughter, beautiful and unforgettable moments and as I said, ups and downs. I can't wait for all the exciting new things that 2014 will bring the adventures and the challenges. It better be great!

Cheerio.

Enjoy life and live the adventure - part 1

I've already told you that I was away at the beginning of August for ten days. I was in Mallorca and I spend a very good time there. But of course it wasn't as easy as me just hoping on a plane, there is so much more story behind it all. I'd propose you'd take a seat and just read ;)

First of all let me introduce you to what we did and with whom. We went on a mission trip to Mallorca, an Island belonging to Spain. We went there with an organization called Gospel Tribe, which is based in Germany. They have a bible school and organize outreaches to different places on a regular basis. This year was their third or fourth (Sorry can't remember) trip to the Ballermann, which is the German party zone on the Island. If you live in a country were german is a spoken language, you know about the Ballermann. Also on the island is the English Party zone in Magaluf. The goal of our project was to talk with people and pray for them if they wanted to. But now on to my personal story.

I still remember when our youth pastor told me about the trip for the first time. It was during the time that I occasionally helped out in our church's office due to me not having anything better to do. I just loved the idea straight away because unlike American’s we Swiss have too little mission trips going on. What I liked especially was the fact that we'd be a group of our church instead of just me as an individual having to join a group of people I don't know. Back then I really hoped that I'd be able to make it. 

One evening in January, the man who was organizing this trip came to our church to present what we were going to do. Again I knew that I wanted to go, but I just realized then that I couldn't actually go. I still didn't have a job after searching for about half a year. How was I supposed to pay for it? There was no way for me to sign up for it without having a plan settled what I would be doing by the time I left. Would I find a job, would I get time off? There were just too many unanswered questions.

You see, I gave up. But on the very same evening I changed my opinion once more. A man from our church, a friend of mine, got up to me and asked what I was thinking about that whole project. I was honest and told him I liked the idea but that there were too many unresolved problems, like the money issue. It didn't take him minutes to offer me the money. I remember standing there, not sure what I was supposed to do. Should I really accept that amount of money? Was that ok or not? I somehow wanted to go, but was I really sure? And what about the job issue? I was confused and overwhelmed, grateful for the opportunity. I got home and I was smiling, thinking that maybe it would all work out for me in the end.

In the end I decided that I would accept the money. I had to realize that if god organizes the finances, then he would also organize the time and everything else. Of course he did. So know we have a cut, I think it was in June when I started to doubt it all. I started questioning myself and loaded a lot of pressure on me. It was not only I going, but I felt like I was having more responsibility due to me kind of having a scholarship. Generally spoken I felt obligated to achieve something with all of that for more than just myself. Even though I'm quite talkative, it's hard for me to approach strangers. What did I even think when I signed up for going to Mallorca? I did not even like Germans!! There were so many things that we didn't know and when I talked to a friend who was going to we both said that we were not really looking forward to it. I started dreading the day that we left; on the other hand I was still somewhat excited because at least I would swim in the sea again and maybe tan a little on the beach, something that I didn't think I would do this year.

Again I was calmed down. The man who paid for my trip asked me if I wanted to come to his house group one day, to tell them what we were going to do and so they could pray for me and all. Of course I accepted that was the least I could do. What really touched me then was that they specifically prayed for my free time. They prayed that I would be able to enjoy my time, that there should be no pressure from anyone for me to achieve anything. It was exactly what I needed to hear and went from my ear straight to my heart where I felt relaxation all of a sudden. I was ready for the adventure.

The thing is I don't know what to tell you about the time we spent there. So much happened in these ten days, there is not enough space left on this post. It was amazing. If I wanted to tell you all you'd have to read a whole novel (or my diary, but then I'd probably kill you). Let me just sum it up. I've meet amazing people, I had good conversations, I barely slept, I cried out of happiness about three times, I realized that my life goals are still as important to me as they were when I was a little fourteen year old. I know that I need to fight to get what I want, but that nothing will really stop me until I'm there. I got inspired to take something up again that I abandoned about five times in my life, I changed my mind about Germans (I now love them), and I just generally grew a lot hopefully. I see my future in a different light and I have more plans than ever, which is just fantastic. I'm going to have some marvellous adventures if you ask me.

I promise to tell you more stories shortly, but right now all you need to know is that mission trips really form you. You go there for others, but you get so much for yourself. Await part two of this instalment ;)

Cheerio.

Taking a stroll down memory lane

The past few weeks have been rather stressful and I haven't been in the mood to write a post at all. I still had ideas, but the words wouldn't come. Even though it's getting late again I decided that today was a good day to return to duty. 
Usually I like to prepare for these posts, I don't write about things that happened just hours ago, but today seems to be different anyway. Here is the back-story.

I'm moving out in less than two months and as I'll be living in a place where there are only people still in education allowed, I needed to find a piece of paper I received months ago, as a prove that I'll be attending Uni. I looked everywhere without finding it. What I found though where things I decided to keep during the years, old writings of mine, school papers and cards, letters, diaries... just memories in general. So I love having reminiscent moments a lot, therefore it's nothing new to me that I kept all of these things. The difference today was though that I decided to look into the past of another person instead of mine.

I think I have already told you about my father. He can be very hard to have around, and lately he wasn't exactly what I call easy. Of course I do love him, but that's not enough sometimes. But I have people around me who knew my father before me and my brother were born, even before my parents met. When they tell me how he used to be I'm always torn between crying and laughing. I want to cry because this person doesn't seem to be around anymore, and I want to laugh because... well seemed to have been a very kind person.

So since I was about ten years old I know where my father stores old letters. It was a surprise to me though how many there are actually. I know now why I'm almost religiously collecting postcards and letters, he does that too. Let's not argue if I did wrong to my dad by reading through his belongings, I just wanted to know more about who he used to be.

I won't tell you too many details, as they it's still his private stuff, but some things just made me very emotional. The first things to make me laugh were two birthday cards my father received from the man that still is pastor at my church to this day. It's lovely to see how much my father was engaged in working for what he believed in. I also found some wedding invitations from people I know, as they are still around at my church. My father used to be a real part of it.

Huge parts of the box were of course the letters. I read about two girlfriends over the years, both seemingly nice women. I think had already heard of one, who left my father, but what happened to the other one I can't remember. It was at least nice to read how they liked my father.

Cheerio.