The sound of a heart

I always liked music. That is definitely true. The thing about me saying I like it implies though, that I don't love it. I can do well without it. Even "Christian music" or worship music. It's just not as important for me as it seems to be for others. I played the flute for almost ten years, tried to teach myself guitar, sung in various choirs. Music is fine, really, just not everything. Still there are moments and songs in my head that are inseparable. 

I remember being sixteen on a night train to Barcelona. The story sounds way more interesting told this way. We went there do the second part of our class exchange program that we had with a school in Alicante. So we sat there, thirteen teenagers squished in a railway compartment that was build for four people. It was hot, there was no space. We were drinking, listening to music, being the teenagers we were. Next to me sat my crush, a guy who should later, starting with that week, slowly become my best friend. He had smuggled a bottle of Jägermeister into the train. I tried a bit; to my utter surprise I liked it. He laughed at me and I guess my heart kind of stopped that moment. Then a song came on. "Behind blue eyes". We both have blue eyes and I blurted out without thinking that I really liked that song. It spoke about pain you hide, and I think all people who remember their teenage years know how it is to hide at least a little pain. So we kind of started to chat about music, figuring out that we both cared more for lyrics than for tunes. We connected somehow.

Later that night I sat next to another guy after having changed the compartment to the one my friends and I slept in (the "neighbours" were nicer there). Again, I spoke about music, this time about that kind, that is heavily bass, drums and guitar infused. I got introduced to some bands I still listen to and to the kind of music called nu metal. I never liked the screamo, so this fit me.

I hardly ever spoke to the boys in my class to this point. I did not have any male friends to be honest, so just chatting with them was odd for me. That's why probably the topic stuck so much. Sometimes I still smile at that person I was. Today I feel totally comfortable and at ease around guys. Sixteen year old self could not know.

There is another song that was some sort of life changing to me. It was a day after my fourteenth birthday, Good Friday. We went to a camp in the morning, in the evening we had the usual christian camp thing, someone talking about the bible, worship, etc. I can't really remember how it went, it is kind of blurry, but throughout the evening I decided to become a Christian, to follow Jesus. Somehow linked to that is a German song. I don't know what it was; it just made me understand all those things I couldn't before. The thing with that song is, it's not one we sing at church. Sometimes they do sing it at big gatherings though, like the camp I was between Christmas and new years. I don't listen to it throughout the year as it is really dear to me and I don't want it to lose its magic. Why is it so special? My body reacts to it very much. All of a sudden I feel like that fourteen year old girl again, it is like newly enamoured, but instead of some stupid boy, I feel enamoured of God. I have weak knees, I start to cry, I am shaky, and butterflies are in my tummy. I wouldn't want it to happen randomly, but to have that feeling every once in a while is glorious, it grounds me and reminds me that fourteen year old me was able to decided bloody wisely.

In general, I think if there was a particular music playing during important moments of your life, then those songs will stick with you. I have a song stuck in my head almost every day, which is just kind of part of my life. I once even wrote that music is the background of life. It has no main character qualities for me, but it can enhance the bigger picture of a situation. 

The next story is terribly cheesy. I said when I was sixteen I was in Spain with my class. The second day after we went there, the whole group went to go to a theme park close to Alicante. Most of the day we spend as a group together. I have to admit that I am terribly afraid of rides, still I went on all, except two (one looked scarier than I could take, the other was a free fall thing, not fond of them). Sometime in the afternoon the guy I talked about earlier got kind of bored. Most of the group wanted to see a show whilst he wanted to go on more rides. Crushing on someone makes you do stupid things, so I said I would join him. The two of us left the group and we went on all the rides we wanted. I did not care much about my fears, I just went along, which was odd for me. Especially when I say it once more that I had no male friends at that time. One on one with a guy I felt very insecure. We knew when the show was over, so we went to await the others at the main gate. We were exhausted so we sat down, out of a speaker there played some music. All of a sudden a song came on by Céline Dion. I was surprised that I recognized it, as I only downloaded it the week before going to Spain. It was a terribly itchy cheesy song, but for my current situation very fitting. So I sat there, enjoying the irony of a song describing my exact emotions, not saying a word about them. Then the group came back and the moment was over. 

Right now, as I have Spotify on shuffle, the song Hosanna came on, another one of my all time favourites. I remember a time where I could not bear to listen to Christian music. I didn't feel like praising God, so I thought that I was lying when I listened to those songs nevertheless. The only song I didn't skip on my mp3 was this. 

I mentioned earlier that I care about lyrics more than I do care about tunes. I really do, especially when I find that the singer does not represent the words of the song correctly. I have spent hours searching for covers of songs, until in my head the voice and lyrics aligned. I also refuse to listen to any music I don't understand the lyrics off. With the exception of some party tunes due to nostalgia I mostly listen to songs that I at least some sort of agree with the lyrics with. If you want to go on my nerves start blasting Pitbull with "whistleblower" or "wiggle", that'll do. Or sing "take me to church" as a friend of mine has been doing recently. I prefer not having those stuck in my head, thank you.

A lot of people I know care so much about music. Some songs have carried me through a lot, and the past two weeks I have been listening to worship music more than usually, due to reasons I might explain later. Still, I know that I feel way better when stuck with words, written words, black on white. A tune can carry an emotion much easier than a word, music is universal. Maybe that's why I'm more impressed with the other, as you are limited by language. How to express something like an emotion with words? It does make less sense than expressing it by a melody. Also, have you ever heard of songs that carry a story? I love those!

To be honest I just assume that I have a very unpopular opinion on music. I know so many people who care about it beyond all measures, that go to oh so many concerts in their life, that pay lots of money for it and kind of just crazy. I can't really understand that. I use it as a means to an end when I study for something or write on a paper. Sometimes I also just relax to it, but that is a rare occurrence. I have cried cause of songs, laughed, I felt emotions due to some, but that does not change how I feel about it in general. Yes, songs have me inspired to write before, as they will continue but music does not mean everything to me and that is just the way it is, which works out fine for me. Music is not the voice my heart speaks.e I'm quite happy that I don't have to be passionate about it, just imagine how boring that would be. I'll stick with my crappy writing.

Cheerio.

Life is magical

Once again I find myself sitting on a train on the way to university. A bit more than a year ago I was scared that riding trains would lose its magic on me eventually as I was forced to do it on a regular basis. Let me tell you, it has not so far.

As I'm sitting here now, my mind starts to wander. I know the way the train will take, there is nothing spectacular about that, but I'm listening to music, the sun is shining and I feel kind of strange. Not uncomfortable strange though, it’s more of a happy sensation. All of a sudden my mind starts to wander, song by song a little more.

It starts with the beauty of this world. Add a little sun and dull places become full of life, at least that’s how they look to me. It proceeds to thinking about science, how some people think to have found every possible explanation in it and me being thankful that I'm not desperately looking for an answer because I know it. Behind every little thing on this earth is some good old magic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about witches, about visible sparks or anything like that. I speak about the little things that make life such an extraordinarily beautiful thing. Let me elaborate. I have friends who are in a relationship. They've found someone they are comfortable with, they found another existing human they seem to some sort connect with on a very deep level and that other individual feels somewhat like them. That’s something so rare in my eyes, like a treasure. How are the chances? For me, it is amazing.

If this is not enough, then let me proceed with someone I've basically known all my life. She is pregnant and very soon she'll have a baby. Just imagine that, I've known her when she was a kid herself and now there is literally a little human being growing inside her! Of course I’m aware about the biological process of how we grow and change and also about reproduction, but that sounds so cold and clinical, when it’s really extraordinary, special and simply a miracle.

Now if that is not enough, then I still have more. I just look at my own story and see how things have changed, how relationships with people have become more meaningful, how strangers became friends and sometimes even feel like family. How people get born and they grow up to be human beings with their own character. Also how time passes how people die, there is this ever-changing aspect of life that amazes me so much. You might think I’m naïve or just simple minded, maybe I am. I’m not saying I’ve figured life out at all, but I feel ridiculously close to an epiphany, as if the essence of life is just around the corner waiting for me to grasp it. But of course, I don’t and the moment passes me, not without letting me wish that I would’ve reached it.

At this point I'm very willing to admit that I know how weird it is to try to describe what is going on in one’s head. We cannot share our thoughts because it's a mixture of emotions, experiences and so much more. Just the fact that I'm able to contemplate my own thoughts seems impossible to fully take in.

This might sound crazy and confusing to you, which is okay. There is just one last thing I want to add, something I stumbled over today (actually the day after writing the above and thinking that I shouldn't post something that comes from the crazier/ more philosophical side of my brain). It's a quote by Einstein and there is a reason why I'm utterly impressed by this man, and it's not because of his work for physics.

“There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle". - Albert Einstein

I prefer mine to be filled with miracles and curiosity, strange happenings and pure happiness. I’d choose to be strange and weird and lost in thought over being well arranged and controlled any day of my life. Don't know about you though.

Cheerio.

Writing is a lifestyle

I call myself a writer. I feel like I'm defining very well with just this one word. I might not be a good one yet, but my life is somewhat pulling me into that direction more and more so I might as well be prepared to get better. Since I really took up that attitude I've realized certain things that cannot be unseen about what being a writer means.

First of all I'm open to plot bunnies. Plot bunnies are things that you observe around you that give your imagination a boost. For example recently I've seen a little plot bunny in form of a woman in her thirties, with her hair tied together in a bun. What was special about that detail was that in order to hold together her hair she used a pen and a pencil instead of anything else. So you see, it is very good to have open eyes during your everyday life.

I also started to channel my emotions. That doesn't mean that I'm able to control them, instead I use what I feel. If I'm jealous I'll write myself a note why exactly, the setting, the people involved and I try to describe it. I do that in case I want to ever use a similar situation in a novel. Of course I should not see my own life relatable to everyone, but right now it is so much easier to just start with what I understand instead of finding a general context.

By now I use about anything to form a story, as long as it just triggers my mind. Last years NaNo novel was formed out of the combination of a nightmare I had three years ago and the name of a guy I meet at a camp. The guy himself did not leave that much of an impression though, it was just his name that made my creativity buzz.

To be honest sometimes I feel very awkward about the whole writing attitude. Like when I realize that my next story will be entirely inspired by a guy with whom I've only talked very briefly, or that my next female main character is a product of me trying to draw my male main character and failing. 

It is also inconvenient when you have to be anti social because you just need to write down your thoughts immediately so they don't get lost. For example I'm writing those lines right now, seated on a train. Next to me I have an old lady that is nearly deaf and I already had to repeat a train announcement in a shouting voice in order for her to understand even though I nearly missed it myself. On the other side there is another one that looks at me kind of angry because I seem to be one of these teenagers who just sit in front of their mobile phone the whole time, when all I do is writing this blog post.

All in all, I love it. I don't care how many people get annoyed with me whilst I write because it's one of the things I love doing the most. I'm happy to be an observer, a dreamer and sometimes a stalker, because it feels very "me" to do that. I hope that all of you reading have something that makes you look insane when all you do in fact is living your dream somehow.


Cheerio.

Train thoughts

So I'm currently comfortably sitting in a train, and to be honest that's something I love. I love living where I do, but traveling gives me a sense of liberation, even if I don't go that far. I like observing what's going on outside of the window, I enjoy glimpsing just seconds of other people's lives. Also most of the time I ride trains I'm on my own. It's different when I'm with friends, but by myself I feel that sensation again that I tried to explain last time.

I never get on a train unprepared. My iPod is charged, my phone ready to take pictures, I have water and food and last but not least, a good book in my bag. The book is probably the most important. By having it with me I make sure that I'll always relate to that story as a train story. In my head there will be the link between the story and the journey I made. That helps me feel even more comfortable in trains than I do anyway.

Another thing that is great about sitting in a train are the conversation you might have. Usually when a train conversation takes place then it's with a lovely elderly person. Honestly I'm not the one to start a conversation anyway, but I'm always ready to engage myself in one when the person next to me starts it. That's not all though. I remember twice that I was sitting in a train and eavesdropped a conversation between others. A train is a public place and they were talking normally so there was no reason for me to feel bad. I can still remember what people said in both situations because it was just way to interesting to be missed. In the mean time I'm aware of how often people might've listened to me when I had a talk with someone, so it's about even.

Right now I have a good view on a guy sleeping. That is something I'll probably never understand. When I went to Spain a couple of years ago we went there by night train. The movement made it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep. Moreover I refuse to nap in a public place because you never know what you do whilst being asleep.

I only fear one thing right now. Next year I'll be riding a train every week, to get from where I'll be studying to where I live now. Will trainjourneys loose their magic then? Will they eventually become normal, and even worse, boring? I really don't hope so. I'll do my best to prevent that from happening!
So now I need back to enjoying my journey instead of watching my screen all the time. See you later guys.

Cheerio