Write as if no one is reading

Even though I still know exactly how many people I gave the link to this blog, I found myself controlling what I wanted to write more and more the past few days. Of course I did a bit of promoting elsewhere, whether we talk about links on my YouTube channel or when I make a answer on another blog, but whoever gets on my blog through that, seems to be interested in whatever I produced to get them here, so it's a completely different. The thing is I just happen to worry too much about what others may or may not think of me.

Whenever I started writing a post in my head lately, I found myself censoring little things that I was insecure about, especially due to some people being able to read this. I didn't think that the general topic was bad, but more about what I reviled about myself and maybe others could be used against me. Of course I don't want to offend anyone in general, but if you built your opinion about me solely from what you read on here I don't have to fear anything, because it means that right now, I don't know you. What made me scared was the fact that it could change the opinion some have about me, namely of people that I see on a regular basis, or even worse, of people whose opinion I care about.

It shouldn’t be solely orientated about people I know, it should also be about people I don't know yet.. Right now, on this date, I get about 2-3 page views a day. It's not much, but at the end of a month it adds up to a nice number. It means that I might have people actually interested in my writing, and not part of a "friendship support" as I like to call it.

The thing is, here I can express myself. I don't promote this blog on Facebook, and whenever I share it with someone I explain certain posts. Some months ago I wrote about me feeling sad a lot. I was scared that my friends could take that one post wrong, that they might start to worry about me, even though there was nothing for them to be afraid of. Lately I thought about different things. For example about me sharing my opinions on Christianity or just simply, repeat a conversations I had with friends. The thought that one of those people reading would find my conclusions weird, or wrong, made me insecure about my own writing, which I really shouldn’t be.

I want to become better at writing and in order for that I need to practice it in any form. This blog is a great chance for that, but it's also a way to get to know myself a little better.

This whole thinking lead to one thing, namely a Quote by Souza “Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth.” This may sound simple, and even worse, childish, but since I heard it the first time I loved it. I want to do that. I want to be known as a person who is straight forward. I want to be able to express my opinions on here, because this is the place where I have absolute power ;).

To sum this all up, the content on here won't change; this was just a little inside into my head. On the other hand I wanted to reassure myself that is ok for me to talk freely. And last but not least, if you are a friend of mine reading this and something seems utterly strange to you, then just tell me in person and I have absolutely no reason to even worry about that. (Oh and I don't say you gave me reasons to worry, I just did it anyway).

Cheerio  

Being different is so mainstream

Hi there. It's usually like this, I start something and get uberly excited, can't sleep at night because good thoughts flood my mind, but the next day? Nothing happens. To be impatient is a hard destiny, that's for sure. It's not like I want to write a post every day, that might just spam my blog for no good reason, but I want to stick to it and how that is possible I need yet to figure out.

After watching some more videos today I realized something. My generation isn't supposed to work their ass off during week days and then to party on the weekends. We can see the examples of people working on their dreams, achieving their goals. Those are the role models of my generation, youtubers, young people with their own business, freelancer, innovators. To marry at young age and then having a family, to work hard in your office job, that's not a live that teenagers and young adults these days want to achieve.

I can relate to that, I mean who really wants that? But on the other hand I feel the pressure to be special, creative, to be myself even though I don't even know who I am. For me it looks like the world wants me to be something, even though I might never be able to get there, just because I can't, just because being special isn't one of my possibilities. There are people meant to be just another fish in the ocean I guess. Yes I said yesterday,  I want to become a someone, I want to use the potential in me that is yet unused, but if everybody is as special as they think they are, how is that still something? Is there even light when darkness is gone forever? We need a contrast, to be different, we need the mainstream.

This thing I call mainstream these days is everywhere. For example, once wearing cat ears made you an outcast, or in nicer words, different. Today I can walk into an H&M store to buy a hat with them on it. People, who thought being on the internet the whole day was weird, start to invest their time on tumblr and take it seriously. The web suddenly is as popular as the TV used to be, and that kind of bothers me.

Frankly, I've never been on a side, I did never claim to be outstanding an outsider as some of my friends used to call themselves proudly. But I've never been totally up to date either. Always I've searched my way through all the different style movements, trying not to lose track of either side. That's why I never stood out, why I think of myself as boring. The good thing about that is, that I feel kind of neutral, not very biased on either side. That's why I feel like adding a third side to a conversation, the reason I am writing those lines. Maybe someday you'll read them, more probable nobody ever will.