Late night thoughts

Today I woke up at 4 am, out of nowhere. I could still feel sleep lingering somewhere in my head, but in that moment I knew that I wouldn't get more of it straight away. It's not a good sign to just wake up that early, I need a certain amount of sleep to maintain happy thoughts and to keep myself positive. When I wake up around this time, I start to think about my life and that at then it usually seems as if my optimism hasn't woken up yet. I'm just not able to see any good in a given situation then, my worries become huge and I'm overwhelmed. On the other hand I didn't want to get up, because that would've meant a serious lack of sleep and that's something I try to avoid as much as possible. To try to calm myself down I started to write the thoughts that I had into this post, because I didn't see any reason not to write about my fears and worries, as they are a part of me. Just be warned, if you are an easy target for negativism, then keep out today. So, here is what was going on:

The first thing I worried about was finding a flat. In my life there is always one main issue and right now, it's the shared-flat problem. I've now visited about seven flats, usually that's when people have found one, but of course not me. That lead me to think of what you all need to find in life. The perfect flat, a good job, friends, a significant other... There are loads and loads of decisions to make and that can be overwhelming and scary. Other decisions were already made by me, what if they were wrong? How do other people manage to survive the pressure of just being alive? Do they even feel the weight, do they think about the little decisions they take on a daily basis that are defining their lifestyle? I then went deeper into some topics.

Right now I'm working as a cleaning woman at a hospital, when I'm done I'll have worked there for five months. Other women are working there for ten, or even twenty years. I could never do this job for that amount of time; I cannot even imagine doing the same thing for three years. Doesn't life get boring and everything becomes bland? How does one be happy with only five weeks of holidays per year? Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm just too young or to inexperienced, but I just don't understand. What do you do when you can't find a job? I tried for six month, but my parents kept my back. When you are older and you can't find anything, what do you do then? 

As I seem to be surrounded by couples lately I also am thinking a lot about guys these days, as you might've noticed in my past couple of posts. I can't help it, but most of the time I just can't see myself with someone else. How do you manage that the other person doesn't annoy you, or vise versa? I'm not so difficult to be friends with, but I think I'd be an annoying girlfriend, don't ask me why. Also I started to wonder how I would tell my parents if I ever had a boyfriend, how I would tell my friends. At this point just the situation seems incredibly ridiculous. 
What about later, at some point I might get married, have kids. Did you see the world we have around us? You know what could happen to those poor little creatures. Or what if my husband changed as much as my Dad did? What if I changed completely? I said being optimistic requires energy that I don't have in the morning, so I'm not always putting myself down as much.

The last thing I worried about was the whole growing up, going to University, having to find new friends problem. To this day I never really had troubles finding friends, I need some time to adjust but then it's not that hard. Still I worry a lot about that. What would the whole Uni experience be without the people around you? In my head not very funny. What will happen after Uni? I did not even start and I'm already afraid of it ending that is just crazy. 

At some point around 5 am I fell asleep again, but I really hate having all my fears building up that much in front of my eyes. The good thing is, life doesn't stop because of my fears, it goes on. As I had to get up at around eight, the shadows of the past night had vanished back to where they belong, the far ends of my brains, and I could go on as usual, at least more or less. During the day I finally remembered a song that goes hand in hand with my experience. I'm posting a cover version made by kickthepj below (I prefer it to the original one).

Cheerio.