What it feels like for a girl

As a friend of mine once said to me; "You are not en estrogen bomb". What he wanted to say in context that I might not be the measure of all things female, which I couldn't agree more. Now don't get me wrong, I very much love to be female and I don't want to be a guy at all, all I'm saying is that the typical female stereotypes might not all apply to me.

My mum always says that we are not as typical because even though we are probably as emotional as every other woman too, we also have like a layer of sense above that. Again, I say that's the difference to the stereotype, there are thousands of women who don't apply to that cliche and I'm aware of that. I'm not sure if I see it exactly like here, because sometimes I'm very much just emotional or hormonal as some unknowing men would like to call it. 

I like spending time with male specimen. When I was younger that was not the case, but nowadays I do. We had a class reunion a few weeks ago and after eating at a Mexican restaurant we went to a bar. In there we met three guys who went to school with us, but not in the same class. With two of them I went to primary school and I've known them since I was seven. It casually happened that I engaged in a conversation with them, I think about girls. At some point one of the guys took my phone, looked at my contacts and at some photos. I let him because I didn't mind. A minute later a friend of my class approached me, gave me a distinguished smile and said: "Did he give you his number?" I couldn't do anything but shake my head. I had been talking to them for fun, I think we even talked about the girl one of them fancies and he even texted my flatmate because he thought she was cute. I’m ok with being one of the guys in some situations.

I'm a woman, but I'm not being friends with guys to find a boyfriend, nor do I try to fit in where I don't belong. In my opinion I'm just acting natural. I don't have to pretend to find video games cool, because even though I haven't played a massive amount of them,  I grew up with a brother who thought me the essentials. Besides I really think the legend of Zelda and Assassin's Creed are rad games. Sometimes I like the kind of irony and sarcasm that, in my surrounding, is found more often in guys than in gals. I also get the ambiguous jokes some guys like to make, and sometimes I can’t help but laugh at them. Lastly, occasionally I think there is nothing more fun than having a play fight with someone. I'm neither strong nor athletic, which means at some point I kind of have enough and give up, to that mark though I totally enjoy it! Men are like little boys, and sometimes I like to let my inner kid out too.

The next thing I want to talk about is cloths, appearance and all these things. Mostly I wear jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no earrings, hair brushed but open, only little jewelry like a watch and bracelet and occasionally a necklace. I don't spend a lot of time figuring out what to wear in the morning, I just grab a pair of jeans, and depending on the colour I pick a t-shirt (I just don't want to wear all black for example). If I'm really honest that's not how I like to look though. I once had a conversation with a dear friend about what we would wear if we didn't mind at all. I told her I'd be looking way more feminine that I do know. I like skirts and dresses. I enjoy putting on make-up and I can't wait till my hair is long enough to get my next project done (red ombré ends). Also I have started a little obsession with nail polish the past few weeks. 

Why don't I just change then? I once wore pink lipstick to church and the review were very mixed. Also skirts can be annoying if you are not the best-behaved person which means you don't want the world to see your knickers whilst driving a bike or sitting on the floor. Make-up is difficult because once people get used to your make-up face, they forget how you look without, which means you'll look rather bad. I want to treat myself with these things, and a treat is only effective if it's not a regular. Also I probably still put way too much thought in being judged by others. Bad move.

It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman just because right after pride & prejudice, my second favourite movie of all time is the matrix trilogy. Just because sometimes I get so annoyed by fellow females that I just need to watch an action movie, doesn't mean I do not love my gender. Only because I'm stubborn enough to try and do almost everything on my own and I hate to get help doesn't mean I can't accept it when I really need it. Finally, it doesn't make me less of a woman to be technical support to my dad, to my Uni friends and to my flatmates (who cannot even change a freaking light bulb on their own). It just makes me more of the woman I'd like myself to be. I have some manliness points for cliff jumping and watching the movie "300" but I'm pretty sure I lost them the moment I decided to never jump again or when I started painting my nails out of boredom while watching the movie. I can not replace any man ever ;)

Now there is one topic I'm purposely not going to talk about, that's the whole rape culture thing. That would be way more than I actually want to talk about. There is injustice towards women that's for sure, and as the person I am I have no right to judge that in any way. This post concentrates on stereotype that I think can be annoying, but in the end they do no actual harm.

As a cisgender heterosexual female I can say that some aspects of my gender help me whereas others set boundaries I don’t like. I’m lucky to be living in a world where it’s ok not to get married and have kids. I live in a world where a woman chases her goals, whatever they might be. Every human being on this planet is different, whether you have two X chromosomes, XY or something else. From Tomboys to Fashionistas, whatever floats your boat is what you should live, same applies of course for the males. Stereotypes and statistics do not determine a person. Society tries to but if you won’t let it, if you do you, then it stands no chance.

Thank God I’m a woman ;)

Cheerio. 

P.S If you want to hear a song about this topic that I love click this.

Selfie Time

I'm not sure if this is something everyone can relate to, if it's a girl problem or if it's just me who is affected by it, but let me tell you something. Sometimes I look in the mirror not just to check that I don't have any stains on my clothes or to check my face for leftover toothpaste, but in order to really look at me. As a matter of fact I assume that every single person who knows me has probably more of an idea about my face, its shape and generally how I look than I do. Sometimes when I share one of these intense looks with my own reflection it happens that I do not even recognize me anymore. Or maybe that's just the moment where I can truly see all my features unlike those short glimpses I get throughout the day.

Usually when I take a little more time to look at myself I start to see every flaw. I don't have pure skin, there is this scar on my forehead and I think that my face is genuinely not what I consider good looking. Of course there are also things about my body that I dislike, which add up to my vain unhappiness. I mean I know that I could do more for myself and I'd probably look better, I could wear more make-up, use skin care more regularly and dress better, but even though I think about these things doesn't mean that I think I should do them every day.

There are also other days luckily, in which I can't help but compliment myself, like for example the colour of my eyes, for how my hair lies or sometimes a shirt that I bought that suits me. Getting a compliment from a friend is cool and feels nice, but getting one from my harshest critic, me, feels just as good. Sometimes one of these I-kind-of-do-not-dislike-myself-that-much days can lead up to some pampering.

Sometimes I start to paint my nails, just because I can. I do not care on most days, yes, but I can enjoy treating myself with some make-up or nail polish from time to time. It might not end then; sometimes I want to embrace that good feeling even more so I start to look into my wardrobe for the right piece to enhance my beauty. When I found it I look into the mirror again. It's the same person I considered ugly the day before, the very same features, but my perspective has changed. It happens that I spend minutes just standing there, trying to understand why I can feel so different about my own body that has not really changed but just feels different. From time to time I'm done at this point, looking and trying to figure out my own self, but it there are also moments when I move on to another Level.

I hate photos of me. I don't mean I dislike pictures of me and my friends, I love them. I just don't like me alone in a photo. There are only two moments when it's ok for me to take a picture of myself. Firstly when my profile picture on facebook is so outdated that I managed to change my hairstyle twice since taking the last one (trust me, that did happen way too often) and secondly when I feel beautiful. As a result I have probably more selfies than you'd expect, but most of them were taken on about six days throughout my entire life.

Let me tell you, giving yourself an ego-selfie-photo shoot is a real joy. Some of my pictures look very very bad so I delete them just after taking, but others are very nice ones too. Don't be embarrassed to pose a little; no one is ever going to see them anyway, unless you decide to share them. Enjoy your own body, feel unashamed. Try out different angles, pull faces or use filters, whatever pleases you. Don't listen to anyone, not even yourself, when they tell you you're worthless or ugly as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you dislike cameras as much as I do then face it anyway, you don't want to look at all the beautiful photos of your friends and pretend all of them look incredibly good and you are the ugly duckling. It's not true. And remember, one thing is for sure, a picture says more than a thousand words.

Cheerio.

We were made to be courageous

The title up here is the first line of a song that inspired me a lot lately. I'm happier now than I used to be some month ago, but I still struggle with myself and others from time to time. It happens that this song plays on my mp3 player whenever I need it. The song is called courageous by casting crowns and as far as I know it was written for a movie with the same name. In this post I want to talk about courage, and what it may mean if you try to be fierce. In between I might add some lyrics, because the song was my inspiration.

"We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains"

This is something that is huge around me. We all want to be part of a special generation, we want to see a revolution. Most of the people around me, no matter which background they come from, are looking for a better world and a brighter tomorrow. We are not the only ones. Isn't it part of a youth's destiny to not accept injustice around us, the will to be rebel? I guess so, but as every generation before us I hope we do something with the energy given to us. Let's be courageous.

"The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands"

Those words are truly powerful. And to be honest, it was this line that came to my mind yesterday evening. This is a Christian song, so they talk about standing before God and doing his will. There is no way we can stand straight before the king of the universe. If you ever understand what a relationship to God means, the power that comes with it, you might understand. Until then, be courageous for other reasons, don't let fear hinder you to do anything.

"We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside"

Again, no matter what you believe in, be passionate about it. Not in a negative, destructive way, but in an open style. Try to motivate others, let them see what your heart cries for. There is a song line by mumford and sons that says: "where you invest your love, you invest your life". So if you only have one life, then take it and make something great.

"Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more"


"We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall"

"May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise"

I guess three days ago those three lines where the ones that made me a little disappointed. It's not only man that can be courageous, courage isn't a limited thing, but as we grow older we learn. I've learned yesterday that a woman can be strong, and she should be, but for a man it's more important. Those lines are supposed to those men of courage who were made for so much more, and they should hear it. I can take my lines, but there are at least as many guys who don't know there value as there are girls, but not a lot of people see it. Plus you know what? I hope to maybe find such a strong guy for myself too, one day.
Let's end this on another line, the final one of the song:

"We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous"
 
Cheerio.

A hairy situation

I hate going to the hairdresser. When I was a little kid I refused to brush my hair so it always looked like a haystack. In order to prevent major knots in it, my mum forced me to either go to the hairdresser regularly, or let her brush it. I'm not sure if that's the reason, but to this day I don't really like people touching my head, and due to that I really dislike going to the hairdresser. Of course I don't wander around looking like a tramp. Like every decent human being I wash my hair, and I try to keep it tidy, but that was about it. I go to the hairdresser about every year, except last year when I went twice.

So why even bother talking about that? Well there are certain things I observed about hair. For example, whenever I actually go to the hairdresser, I decided to cut my hair rather short. Last year was special though. I wanted the hairdresser to cut my hair extra short because it meant something to me. Long hair is very feminine and girly, something I associate with well-being, whereas in my head short hair symbolizes strength, confidence and maybe a bit of 'I-don't-care-what-other-people-think' attitude. Yes, we live in modern times where one can wear their hair however they want, but still I had this in my head when I cut it short. After all, it helped me through a difficult time and reminded me that I only need to please myself, which I do.

There are a lot of women out there who care a lot about their long hair. They use a lot of products and are very proud of it. That's ok of course, and I would be shocked if some of my friends cut their hair, as they belong to that type of women. Another thing is men. I know that most of the guys I know prefer long haired girls. It's just something I seem to hear quite a lot. For me it was just another reason to become short haired, as I didn't want to feel dependant on a man's judging. At least that's what I tried to tell myself when my sub- consciousness proved me wrong.

I remember a dream I had about two weeks after I went to the hairdresser's. I was wearing very baggy clothes and as I said, was short haired, when a male friend of mine got up to me. I wanted to hug him as usually, but instead of hugging me, he punched me in the shoulder. After that he went on, poking me and hitting me and I just did not understand why he treated me like that. At some point I stepped away a bit and asked him what was wrong. He then told me that, if I wanted to be treated like a girl, then I should look like one too. I can't remember what happened next, but those words shocked me a lot. Why did I care so much about that deep down?

Another point where I realized how important it is to men is when I was at a friend's birthday party. At first there were many people but in the end just four people stayed for an all-nighter, namely her, her boyfriend, a male friend of them and me. At some point my friend's boyfriend said that he really liked long haired girls, and that for his taste mine was too short. He wasn't being rude, it's his opinion and taste, but it still kind of got to me, especially because I then thought back to that dream, and many conversations I had with my male friends about that topic. Of course I don't need to please my friend's boyfriend, but hearing that you don't look good from a guy is... well it isn't good for my pride.

Last but not least, even though it seems like I need to correct myself, meaning I do care what my hair looks like, I still can't stop myself from trying out new styles and colours, ignoring the fact that men might not like it. I am a redhead now, slightly purple in it, with a self cut fringe that is a bit crooked. To be honest the colour looks odd but I love it. Sadly guy feedback these days is rare, except for my father who told me it was ugly and a friend who once said that he disliked red hair. Oh well, I might one day find a guy who just accepts my hair choices anyway, or I'll die forever alone, whatever :P

Cheerio

Women Vs. Men

Recently I put quite a lot of thoughts into the ideas of roles. Is there something typical for a man that he really needs to fulfill? What about me as a woman, what points are given to me that I cannot ignore. We'll have those themes in my youth group next year, more exactly the topic is: Guys need to become men and women may stay women. (EDIT: The topic is now called differently)

This bothers me quite a lot. Nowadays it's pretty rough to bring up kids. For example, I'd encourage parents to life certain roles and raise their children towards them. Not by punishment if the kid doesn't want to, but to encourage them. I think it's perfectly fine for boys to play LEGO and for girls to play with dolls. That doesn't mean I don't tolerate it the other way around, but I can't understand people who say that we should give no boundaries to kids. It is strange if a little boy wants to wear skirts, it simply is. He doesn't understand what he is doing, and our world isn't ready for that anyway, he'll just have a rough childhood for nothing.

I know about transgender and about gay people and I have nothing against them, but for me a child can't decide and is easy influenced by its parents. At this stage it should have guidelines, which it can throw over as a teenager. We all change when we grow up, we leave behind most of the stuff our parents told us and we become our own human being. In that time we can decided for ourselves completely and we start to understand the consequences following to our doing. To be honest this topic is way to delicate to write about it, so don't get me wrong.

Back to the quote about men and women. I don't want to "stay" a woman, I want to become one. A woman isn't the same as a housewife, but it isn't a "bra burner" either. In my mind, a woman is strong, but not afraid to show weakness. She is able to live her life on her own, but might choose to share it with a partner and even kids, depending on what she wants. A woman knows herself, is able to accept help and all in all, she is dedicated to whatever she does. I want to become such a person, but I'm far from that.

I grew up in a Christian household and I still believe in that whole heartily. My mum never thought me that I couldn't become anything, she never gave me limits. With god everything is possible, that's what I know. I don't like the picture that is drawn of Christians these days; I might compose another post about that later. Anyway, I'm curious to find out what our youth pastor has to say about women staying women.

Now let's talk about men. I know a lot of guys that were very immature when they were about fourteen. I couldn't stand being around them, it made me furious. Now they've grown up and are still childish, which is no problem. My best male friends all kept their little boy inside alive, but the important fact is that they matured, they’ve become reasonable and they learned when it's ok to be all funny and when they should be serious.

Recently I talked with a female friend of mine how guys in their late teens suffer a lot of pressure. You need to be strong and independent, earn a lot of money and have the right woman on your side or you are worth nothing. What about the sensitive boys out there? They are forced to change, they are not considered men. Gay guys aren't considered men either, and for me this is kind of wrong, their sexuality doesn't change their gender.

Gender seems in fact to be unbelievable complicated and that annoys me. For me it's clear you are either male or female, except for when you have a genetically disease. Again, transgender are too either male or female, they just decide to change from one to the other. But to become a man or a woman, there is more than just genetics.

Sorry that this was so long and a bit confusing, have a nice day though.