What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.

How to become a fighter

I've been away for the last ten days and spend an amazing time with great people. I wanted this post to be about my experiences on that trip but instead I've decided to postpone that one for next week. I'll still be touching something that happened while I wasn't at home.

I guess I've mentioned it quite often that I'm not a very dedicated person. I try, and if I don't succeed I just do what I can and then might as well give up. Usually I don't do my very best but just the amount that is necessary to still pass whatever task I'm doing. School is a good example there. When you write your finals you should probably study a lot and set your goals the highest you can. Instead of doing that I wanted to achieve an average level and other than working for school I watched series. My grades in the end were ok, you know, but it could've been better if I just worked harder.

 The thing is, as soon you’re out of it school gets unimportant. Not a lot of people care about the grades you had when you apply to a job, at least not around here. I struggled finding a job so much, not because my grades weren't that good but because I wasn't dedicated enough. I just wrote application after application, but what I should’ve done was phoning companies or apply directly by going there and presenting myself. You have to be though around this world nowadays, open and ambitious. That's exactly my problem.

That's why I'm so proud of this blog. My posts may not be the best ones, but I work rather hard for them, do a lot of thinking before writing and I update it on a regular basis. I could be better, but I know that I still have quite the distance to travel until I reach what I want with this site and with my writing in general so it’s a good field to practise in. 

Obviously I was still not happy with the rest of my situation, so what changed my point of view? Why did I suddenly decide that what I've been doing so far was not good enough? Well first of all I have goals that I want to achieve and all of them are things that are not the easiest for me. I always knew that I would get there eventually, but did not care that much how or more important when. 

The thing is I don't have time anymore to linger around. I see people achieving their goals at a young age and within me there is the urge to get there too. People plan big things and i feel like I do nothing at all which is not very satisfactory. Plus I don't have the energy left to be tossed around by life like a leave in a stormy river. 

My parents have already separated and that one was hard. After a year I felt quite ok with the whole situation, knowing my father wanted to keep the flat so I'd still have a home here in this town. While I was away my mum went to a lawyer because there where financial problems between my parents not yet resolved. They are now getting divorced and my father probably sells our flat. That combined with the fact that the whole Uni thing scares me so much deep down made it obvious that I needed to get stronger.

While I was away I learned a lot about myself and where my life is heading. I know more of what I want with all of my heart. I'll make sure to tell you more about that, but all you need to know for now is that one day I felt all my fears built up into this massive wall. That had already happened before, but this time I was fed up. Not for the first but hopefully for the last time I've decided that it was enough, that the little girl who is afraid of everything needs to grow up. 

Life is not fair. Not to me, not to anyone else. We have to seize the good moments and get through the bad ones. I've decided, and declare it in front of the internet, that from now on I want to be a fighter. If there is a wall ahead of me, I'll just run past it, head first. Anyone trying to stop me from achieving my goals shall be kicked in the butt. I'm putting on my armour, ready to fight. Trust me, I have a whole army behind me, of that I'm sure. 

That is not me resigning from ever moaning again. I'll still be hurt sometimes, still be complaining from time to time. I just refuse to let that stop me from becoming who I want to be. I prefer dying in a battle instead of hiding under my blankets for the rest of my life. I don't want to survive life, I want to live it. You might not see any difference, but I hope I'll feel one deep inside. Let's conquer the world with kind hearts.

Cheerio.

Just get lost!

I'm very shy. People who know me a little better might know that shy is the wrong word for it, that it's a bit more complicated. Basically when I'm in my group of friends, then I'm perfectly fine, I just adjust to them and it’s ok. As soon as I have to do something alone, where I don't have nobody’s lead to follow, I get a little lost. That is something I'm working on, I want to be my own boss, I want to become independent, and I know that I can make it. Right now, I'm not. So if I decide now to actually do things alone, then it needs a lot of courage and also effort for it to happen, but I'm fighting my way there.

So a couple of days ago I had a day off of work. The first thing I did was sleep in, as I really needed some kind of break. Around 1 pm I realized that just lingering around in my jim-jams all day wouldn't be enough, even though usually that's my perfect thing to do on such a day. I then decided to take my bike and go to an electric store a bit away from where I'm living because my brother had an unused gift card and I wanted to get a better memory card for my camera. Before I left the house I already felt that it wouldn't be done with just driving there and then go back, I wanted to do some exploring too. 

Now think of it, I live in a rather small city, and I've been living there for twelve years. There aren't that many places left that I don't know like the back of my hand, but I wanted to find one. The last time I felt so strangely melancholic was when I managed to nearly get lost in the forest near my house. I have a good sense of orientation, but at some point I decided to leave the path and to find a way through the scrub. In the end I got out exactly where I thought I would, but to get there was a little adventure, in a save environment. I wanted to do that again.

What I did first was to put in my earphones and to turn of the music. That really helped me to get even more in the mood. Then I asked myself what place I didn't know that well and that I now wanted to see. I saw in my head a picture a friend once posted on Facebook and I knew roughly how to get there. It was even close to the electric store, so the decision was an easy one. It's on the same lake as the city, but separated by a peninsula. I did not even think of it but it happened naturally that I followed the street along the lake to get back to the city, instead of taking the direct way. It went up and down, and it took me about two hours, but in the end I got back. Throughout all of this I knew more or less where I was, but I'd never visited this place before. I was out, on my own, following my strange melancholy to some very beautiful places along my ride. 

When I was back in the city, everything was too loud and too fast. I wasn't out that long, but I felt so calm inside that even those things were disturbing my mood. It was all in all really surreal, but it felt so good. Of course you might wonder why I even shared that, but I've learned to appreciate little moments of happiness, and I was truly happy that day and I was satisfied with having followed my emotions. Just a normal day for everybody else...

Cheerio.