Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.

The sound of a heart

I always liked music. That is definitely true. The thing about me saying I like it implies though, that I don't love it. I can do well without it. Even "Christian music" or worship music. It's just not as important for me as it seems to be for others. I played the flute for almost ten years, tried to teach myself guitar, sung in various choirs. Music is fine, really, just not everything. Still there are moments and songs in my head that are inseparable. 

I remember being sixteen on a night train to Barcelona. The story sounds way more interesting told this way. We went there do the second part of our class exchange program that we had with a school in Alicante. So we sat there, thirteen teenagers squished in a railway compartment that was build for four people. It was hot, there was no space. We were drinking, listening to music, being the teenagers we were. Next to me sat my crush, a guy who should later, starting with that week, slowly become my best friend. He had smuggled a bottle of Jägermeister into the train. I tried a bit; to my utter surprise I liked it. He laughed at me and I guess my heart kind of stopped that moment. Then a song came on. "Behind blue eyes". We both have blue eyes and I blurted out without thinking that I really liked that song. It spoke about pain you hide, and I think all people who remember their teenage years know how it is to hide at least a little pain. So we kind of started to chat about music, figuring out that we both cared more for lyrics than for tunes. We connected somehow.

Later that night I sat next to another guy after having changed the compartment to the one my friends and I slept in (the "neighbours" were nicer there). Again, I spoke about music, this time about that kind, that is heavily bass, drums and guitar infused. I got introduced to some bands I still listen to and to the kind of music called nu metal. I never liked the screamo, so this fit me.

I hardly ever spoke to the boys in my class to this point. I did not have any male friends to be honest, so just chatting with them was odd for me. That's why probably the topic stuck so much. Sometimes I still smile at that person I was. Today I feel totally comfortable and at ease around guys. Sixteen year old self could not know.

There is another song that was some sort of life changing to me. It was a day after my fourteenth birthday, Good Friday. We went to a camp in the morning, in the evening we had the usual christian camp thing, someone talking about the bible, worship, etc. I can't really remember how it went, it is kind of blurry, but throughout the evening I decided to become a Christian, to follow Jesus. Somehow linked to that is a German song. I don't know what it was; it just made me understand all those things I couldn't before. The thing with that song is, it's not one we sing at church. Sometimes they do sing it at big gatherings though, like the camp I was between Christmas and new years. I don't listen to it throughout the year as it is really dear to me and I don't want it to lose its magic. Why is it so special? My body reacts to it very much. All of a sudden I feel like that fourteen year old girl again, it is like newly enamoured, but instead of some stupid boy, I feel enamoured of God. I have weak knees, I start to cry, I am shaky, and butterflies are in my tummy. I wouldn't want it to happen randomly, but to have that feeling every once in a while is glorious, it grounds me and reminds me that fourteen year old me was able to decided bloody wisely.

In general, I think if there was a particular music playing during important moments of your life, then those songs will stick with you. I have a song stuck in my head almost every day, which is just kind of part of my life. I once even wrote that music is the background of life. It has no main character qualities for me, but it can enhance the bigger picture of a situation. 

The next story is terribly cheesy. I said when I was sixteen I was in Spain with my class. The second day after we went there, the whole group went to go to a theme park close to Alicante. Most of the day we spend as a group together. I have to admit that I am terribly afraid of rides, still I went on all, except two (one looked scarier than I could take, the other was a free fall thing, not fond of them). Sometime in the afternoon the guy I talked about earlier got kind of bored. Most of the group wanted to see a show whilst he wanted to go on more rides. Crushing on someone makes you do stupid things, so I said I would join him. The two of us left the group and we went on all the rides we wanted. I did not care much about my fears, I just went along, which was odd for me. Especially when I say it once more that I had no male friends at that time. One on one with a guy I felt very insecure. We knew when the show was over, so we went to await the others at the main gate. We were exhausted so we sat down, out of a speaker there played some music. All of a sudden a song came on by Céline Dion. I was surprised that I recognized it, as I only downloaded it the week before going to Spain. It was a terribly itchy cheesy song, but for my current situation very fitting. So I sat there, enjoying the irony of a song describing my exact emotions, not saying a word about them. Then the group came back and the moment was over. 

Right now, as I have Spotify on shuffle, the song Hosanna came on, another one of my all time favourites. I remember a time where I could not bear to listen to Christian music. I didn't feel like praising God, so I thought that I was lying when I listened to those songs nevertheless. The only song I didn't skip on my mp3 was this. 

I mentioned earlier that I care about lyrics more than I do care about tunes. I really do, especially when I find that the singer does not represent the words of the song correctly. I have spent hours searching for covers of songs, until in my head the voice and lyrics aligned. I also refuse to listen to any music I don't understand the lyrics off. With the exception of some party tunes due to nostalgia I mostly listen to songs that I at least some sort of agree with the lyrics with. If you want to go on my nerves start blasting Pitbull with "whistleblower" or "wiggle", that'll do. Or sing "take me to church" as a friend of mine has been doing recently. I prefer not having those stuck in my head, thank you.

A lot of people I know care so much about music. Some songs have carried me through a lot, and the past two weeks I have been listening to worship music more than usually, due to reasons I might explain later. Still, I know that I feel way better when stuck with words, written words, black on white. A tune can carry an emotion much easier than a word, music is universal. Maybe that's why I'm more impressed with the other, as you are limited by language. How to express something like an emotion with words? It does make less sense than expressing it by a melody. Also, have you ever heard of songs that carry a story? I love those!

To be honest I just assume that I have a very unpopular opinion on music. I know so many people who care about it beyond all measures, that go to oh so many concerts in their life, that pay lots of money for it and kind of just crazy. I can't really understand that. I use it as a means to an end when I study for something or write on a paper. Sometimes I also just relax to it, but that is a rare occurrence. I have cried cause of songs, laughed, I felt emotions due to some, but that does not change how I feel about it in general. Yes, songs have me inspired to write before, as they will continue but music does not mean everything to me and that is just the way it is, which works out fine for me. Music is not the voice my heart speaks.e I'm quite happy that I don't have to be passionate about it, just imagine how boring that would be. I'll stick with my crappy writing.

Cheerio.

Life is magical

Once again I find myself sitting on a train on the way to university. A bit more than a year ago I was scared that riding trains would lose its magic on me eventually as I was forced to do it on a regular basis. Let me tell you, it has not so far.

As I'm sitting here now, my mind starts to wander. I know the way the train will take, there is nothing spectacular about that, but I'm listening to music, the sun is shining and I feel kind of strange. Not uncomfortable strange though, it’s more of a happy sensation. All of a sudden my mind starts to wander, song by song a little more.

It starts with the beauty of this world. Add a little sun and dull places become full of life, at least that’s how they look to me. It proceeds to thinking about science, how some people think to have found every possible explanation in it and me being thankful that I'm not desperately looking for an answer because I know it. Behind every little thing on this earth is some good old magic.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about witches, about visible sparks or anything like that. I speak about the little things that make life such an extraordinarily beautiful thing. Let me elaborate. I have friends who are in a relationship. They've found someone they are comfortable with, they found another existing human they seem to some sort connect with on a very deep level and that other individual feels somewhat like them. That’s something so rare in my eyes, like a treasure. How are the chances? For me, it is amazing.

If this is not enough, then let me proceed with someone I've basically known all my life. She is pregnant and very soon she'll have a baby. Just imagine that, I've known her when she was a kid herself and now there is literally a little human being growing inside her! Of course I’m aware about the biological process of how we grow and change and also about reproduction, but that sounds so cold and clinical, when it’s really extraordinary, special and simply a miracle.

Now if that is not enough, then I still have more. I just look at my own story and see how things have changed, how relationships with people have become more meaningful, how strangers became friends and sometimes even feel like family. How people get born and they grow up to be human beings with their own character. Also how time passes how people die, there is this ever-changing aspect of life that amazes me so much. You might think I’m naïve or just simple minded, maybe I am. I’m not saying I’ve figured life out at all, but I feel ridiculously close to an epiphany, as if the essence of life is just around the corner waiting for me to grasp it. But of course, I don’t and the moment passes me, not without letting me wish that I would’ve reached it.

At this point I'm very willing to admit that I know how weird it is to try to describe what is going on in one’s head. We cannot share our thoughts because it's a mixture of emotions, experiences and so much more. Just the fact that I'm able to contemplate my own thoughts seems impossible to fully take in.

This might sound crazy and confusing to you, which is okay. There is just one last thing I want to add, something I stumbled over today (actually the day after writing the above and thinking that I shouldn't post something that comes from the crazier/ more philosophical side of my brain). It's a quote by Einstein and there is a reason why I'm utterly impressed by this man, and it's not because of his work for physics.

“There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle". - Albert Einstein

I prefer mine to be filled with miracles and curiosity, strange happenings and pure happiness. I’d choose to be strange and weird and lost in thought over being well arranged and controlled any day of my life. Don't know about you though.

Cheerio.

Liberate yourself

There is this episode of the TV series "How I met your mother" in which they say that every person has their own baggage to carry. They take that quite literally with displaying heavy bags that with one person even piled up. That episode stood out to me especially (apart from me being a series junky of course) as I'm very familiar with that metaphor as I had a best friend who considered himself a carrier. We used that word between us to describe how people would always come to him and ask for advice, thus leaving whatever they had on their shoulders on his. As of recently I've had that topic back in my mind due to the things that were happen around me.

It kind of started with a conversation at a bar. I wish the story was as cool at it begins (bars do still sound cool to me, ok?), but it was not that special after all. Two friends and I went to a bar and talked for more than two hours. When at first we just chatted, at some point it became deeper. We started talking about how former experience changed the person we are now and that due to what happened in the past we act different in the present. At some point one of them said how it affected them specific. I never saw that person in that light even though I was familiar with their story. I did not think that the whole situation had such a deep impact on them. Finally my personal conclusion from this conversation was that some baggage is good, keeps us to the ground and reminds us of who we are supposed to be, whereas others ties us back when all we are supposed to do is rise up and leave it behind, forever. 

That's easier said than done. I mean I have tried various times to get over some issues that I've been aware of for a while now and about every blue moon they come up again, triggered by the most random things. It happened again last Friday. Again, a late night, good conversations with dear friends. Eventually one of my friends started to talk about a personality test he took that sorts you into one out of nine categories. We did not actually take a test; we just read some aspect of each type and thus decided who were thought we were. When I read the full description of what I figured was mine I was actually close to tears. Actually I was very much in shock. There were things described that I've never actually realized this way before. I got home that night and I was so confused and emotionally touched it left me with little sleep only.

One of the things that I realized was that as a person who has a ridiculously good memory is that I do not only hold on to the nice ones. I try to forgive quickly and most of the times it works but you know... Sometimes I fail. So this week I found myself buried deep down in confusion, thoughts, and well, sadness. In addition to being emotional anyway I also had the pleasure to give my beloved cat to an animal centre. It sucked and all that and well, added up to my momentarily malaise. Nothing huge, just a reason to eat a lot of chocolate, watch pride & prejudice and after that, finally getting back to being functional again.

Today I got up at half past six, cleaned my whole room and got rid of some things. I can me somewhat of a stockpiler and well, sometimes you need to draw the line in order to feel free of what should be left behind. No point of keeping everything that has the tiniest emotional value to you, measure what you really want to keep, cut out the rest completely, once and for all. Well at least I needed to do that. Getting rid of the cat tree was necessary for me, as was throwing away a very certain pen, some written pages and a tiny scrap. Nope, they were not connected, but all of those things I knew I couldn't keep around anymore if I wanted to finish those things up. During that process I felt it, like a weight lift.

I'm not sure if this concluded the way I wanted it too, but I kind of had to write about it here. Be aware of your past, but don't clamp to it and believe that you cannot do something just because of what happened previously. Find the right balance I guess.

Cheerio.

What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.

Train thoughts

So I'm currently comfortably sitting in a train, and to be honest that's something I love. I love living where I do, but traveling gives me a sense of liberation, even if I don't go that far. I like observing what's going on outside of the window, I enjoy glimpsing just seconds of other people's lives. Also most of the time I ride trains I'm on my own. It's different when I'm with friends, but by myself I feel that sensation again that I tried to explain last time.

I never get on a train unprepared. My iPod is charged, my phone ready to take pictures, I have water and food and last but not least, a good book in my bag. The book is probably the most important. By having it with me I make sure that I'll always relate to that story as a train story. In my head there will be the link between the story and the journey I made. That helps me feel even more comfortable in trains than I do anyway.

Another thing that is great about sitting in a train are the conversation you might have. Usually when a train conversation takes place then it's with a lovely elderly person. Honestly I'm not the one to start a conversation anyway, but I'm always ready to engage myself in one when the person next to me starts it. That's not all though. I remember twice that I was sitting in a train and eavesdropped a conversation between others. A train is a public place and they were talking normally so there was no reason for me to feel bad. I can still remember what people said in both situations because it was just way to interesting to be missed. In the mean time I'm aware of how often people might've listened to me when I had a talk with someone, so it's about even.

Right now I have a good view on a guy sleeping. That is something I'll probably never understand. When I went to Spain a couple of years ago we went there by night train. The movement made it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep. Moreover I refuse to nap in a public place because you never know what you do whilst being asleep.

I only fear one thing right now. Next year I'll be riding a train every week, to get from where I'll be studying to where I live now. Will trainjourneys loose their magic then? Will they eventually become normal, and even worse, boring? I really don't hope so. I'll do my best to prevent that from happening!
So now I need back to enjoying my journey instead of watching my screen all the time. See you later guys.

Cheerio