To everything is a season

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of youth recently. By that I don't mean the whole media thing with youthful skin etc, no I just mean then part between teenage years and (young) adulthood. A friend of mine is getting married this summer and she recently said it will be the end of her youth. Another friend said that it was part of her youth to sit in a car with me and chat for hours. Both things together made me think about what I feel that youth is like, how I would determine it exactly, and I came up with a definition that somehow pleased me.

Youth is a time of taking up responsibility. As a kid, you can't take care of yourself. Your parents make all your appointments; they give you food, money, shelter, cloths. You don't really own anything. The older you get, the more is yours. Pocket money is the first time you get responsibility for your finances. You start to make your own appointments, with friends, the hairdresser or the dentist. At some points you will travel alone for the first time. I was 11 years old when I took a 1h train journey by myself for the first time. I went to see a friend and it all happened on very short notice. 

It all happens at a different pace for each individual, but it all happens at some point. When you are a teenager you are already kind of independent, at least in your late teens, most have either finished high school or some other form of basic education, if you want to stay out late, then you can, because you are either close to turning of age, or you are already. Your parents might still give you rules, but most leave you be, you should be old enough to judge a matter.

That's when youth starts for me, when you are old enough to judge, someone who is able to take care of themselves, a responsible human being. It is not exactly tied to an age, but more to a stage of mind. You may choose to take care for other people, but you are mostly supposed to take care of your own well being. Travel the world, study, go crazy. Just do it, because you are as independent as you'll ever be. Your future belongs to you alone-

Well why did my friend say that her youth was ending? She wasn't sad about the fact, just commenting on the inevitable. Also she was looking forward to this chapter to end I guess. Her youth in that sense is ending, because she won't be independent anymore. She will take up responsibility for her husband, for an "us" instead of a "me/I". Her youth is ending not because she is turning a certain age, but because all of a sudden she is tied to something. Something good I'd say, but still tied.

I asked myself what "makes" my youth. I feel like I’m currently in the middle of it. I have a lot of things going on and I’m happy with that busyness, even though it means that I am not always doing the things I need to do exactly when I have to do them. It’s all about priorities. My youth consists of long days and short nights. Late night talks, late nights going out, late nights reading, studying/ paper writing, watching movies, chatting on whatsapp, maybe even sleeping. Every once in a while I'll spend a night tossing and turning in my bed, because the future scares me. Throughout the day I work, go to church, go to uni, chat, drink tea/hot chocolate at starbucks, read, I write, enjoy my free time that I have to my own availability. I make plans on my own and I love nothing more than deciding spontaneously to do something. Those things I listed are not youth-only, but I guess that when I'm older I will tell stories of that.

I don't travel the world; I prefer seeing the world of my friends, of the people around me. I live through others, throughout those deep and honest conversations that just happen. I want to seize my youth as long as I am in this season, for when it ends for whatever reason, I'll have a feeling that it is indeed time to finish this chapter and start a new one. 

Until then, I'll have my fun right where I am at!

Cheerio.

The sound of a heart

I always liked music. That is definitely true. The thing about me saying I like it implies though, that I don't love it. I can do well without it. Even "Christian music" or worship music. It's just not as important for me as it seems to be for others. I played the flute for almost ten years, tried to teach myself guitar, sung in various choirs. Music is fine, really, just not everything. Still there are moments and songs in my head that are inseparable. 

I remember being sixteen on a night train to Barcelona. The story sounds way more interesting told this way. We went there do the second part of our class exchange program that we had with a school in Alicante. So we sat there, thirteen teenagers squished in a railway compartment that was build for four people. It was hot, there was no space. We were drinking, listening to music, being the teenagers we were. Next to me sat my crush, a guy who should later, starting with that week, slowly become my best friend. He had smuggled a bottle of Jägermeister into the train. I tried a bit; to my utter surprise I liked it. He laughed at me and I guess my heart kind of stopped that moment. Then a song came on. "Behind blue eyes". We both have blue eyes and I blurted out without thinking that I really liked that song. It spoke about pain you hide, and I think all people who remember their teenage years know how it is to hide at least a little pain. So we kind of started to chat about music, figuring out that we both cared more for lyrics than for tunes. We connected somehow.

Later that night I sat next to another guy after having changed the compartment to the one my friends and I slept in (the "neighbours" were nicer there). Again, I spoke about music, this time about that kind, that is heavily bass, drums and guitar infused. I got introduced to some bands I still listen to and to the kind of music called nu metal. I never liked the screamo, so this fit me.

I hardly ever spoke to the boys in my class to this point. I did not have any male friends to be honest, so just chatting with them was odd for me. That's why probably the topic stuck so much. Sometimes I still smile at that person I was. Today I feel totally comfortable and at ease around guys. Sixteen year old self could not know.

There is another song that was some sort of life changing to me. It was a day after my fourteenth birthday, Good Friday. We went to a camp in the morning, in the evening we had the usual christian camp thing, someone talking about the bible, worship, etc. I can't really remember how it went, it is kind of blurry, but throughout the evening I decided to become a Christian, to follow Jesus. Somehow linked to that is a German song. I don't know what it was; it just made me understand all those things I couldn't before. The thing with that song is, it's not one we sing at church. Sometimes they do sing it at big gatherings though, like the camp I was between Christmas and new years. I don't listen to it throughout the year as it is really dear to me and I don't want it to lose its magic. Why is it so special? My body reacts to it very much. All of a sudden I feel like that fourteen year old girl again, it is like newly enamoured, but instead of some stupid boy, I feel enamoured of God. I have weak knees, I start to cry, I am shaky, and butterflies are in my tummy. I wouldn't want it to happen randomly, but to have that feeling every once in a while is glorious, it grounds me and reminds me that fourteen year old me was able to decided bloody wisely.

In general, I think if there was a particular music playing during important moments of your life, then those songs will stick with you. I have a song stuck in my head almost every day, which is just kind of part of my life. I once even wrote that music is the background of life. It has no main character qualities for me, but it can enhance the bigger picture of a situation. 

The next story is terribly cheesy. I said when I was sixteen I was in Spain with my class. The second day after we went there, the whole group went to go to a theme park close to Alicante. Most of the day we spend as a group together. I have to admit that I am terribly afraid of rides, still I went on all, except two (one looked scarier than I could take, the other was a free fall thing, not fond of them). Sometime in the afternoon the guy I talked about earlier got kind of bored. Most of the group wanted to see a show whilst he wanted to go on more rides. Crushing on someone makes you do stupid things, so I said I would join him. The two of us left the group and we went on all the rides we wanted. I did not care much about my fears, I just went along, which was odd for me. Especially when I say it once more that I had no male friends at that time. One on one with a guy I felt very insecure. We knew when the show was over, so we went to await the others at the main gate. We were exhausted so we sat down, out of a speaker there played some music. All of a sudden a song came on by Céline Dion. I was surprised that I recognized it, as I only downloaded it the week before going to Spain. It was a terribly itchy cheesy song, but for my current situation very fitting. So I sat there, enjoying the irony of a song describing my exact emotions, not saying a word about them. Then the group came back and the moment was over. 

Right now, as I have Spotify on shuffle, the song Hosanna came on, another one of my all time favourites. I remember a time where I could not bear to listen to Christian music. I didn't feel like praising God, so I thought that I was lying when I listened to those songs nevertheless. The only song I didn't skip on my mp3 was this. 

I mentioned earlier that I care about lyrics more than I do care about tunes. I really do, especially when I find that the singer does not represent the words of the song correctly. I have spent hours searching for covers of songs, until in my head the voice and lyrics aligned. I also refuse to listen to any music I don't understand the lyrics off. With the exception of some party tunes due to nostalgia I mostly listen to songs that I at least some sort of agree with the lyrics with. If you want to go on my nerves start blasting Pitbull with "whistleblower" or "wiggle", that'll do. Or sing "take me to church" as a friend of mine has been doing recently. I prefer not having those stuck in my head, thank you.

A lot of people I know care so much about music. Some songs have carried me through a lot, and the past two weeks I have been listening to worship music more than usually, due to reasons I might explain later. Still, I know that I feel way better when stuck with words, written words, black on white. A tune can carry an emotion much easier than a word, music is universal. Maybe that's why I'm more impressed with the other, as you are limited by language. How to express something like an emotion with words? It does make less sense than expressing it by a melody. Also, have you ever heard of songs that carry a story? I love those!

To be honest I just assume that I have a very unpopular opinion on music. I know so many people who care about it beyond all measures, that go to oh so many concerts in their life, that pay lots of money for it and kind of just crazy. I can't really understand that. I use it as a means to an end when I study for something or write on a paper. Sometimes I also just relax to it, but that is a rare occurrence. I have cried cause of songs, laughed, I felt emotions due to some, but that does not change how I feel about it in general. Yes, songs have me inspired to write before, as they will continue but music does not mean everything to me and that is just the way it is, which works out fine for me. Music is not the voice my heart speaks.e I'm quite happy that I don't have to be passionate about it, just imagine how boring that would be. I'll stick with my crappy writing.

Cheerio.

Reflective in perspective

Imagine. You just moved house and you walk down the street in front of your new place. There are some houses that you get past during your little exploration. You see a swing set in the yard of one house. You think to yourself that there might be a family with kids living there. As you walk on an elderly couple crosses your path and you smile at them politely. But be careful, there is a women approaching fast. Her dog is pulling her forwards. Finally you arrive at the end of the street, where you see an old mansion that has already started to look a little rotten. Whilst you followed the main street, you missed taking one of the small pavements leaving to big apartment houses a little farther away. You see them from a distance, but you can't imagine how many turns the street might take until you get there.

Now back to today. Five years later you call this place your home. You know that the swing set belongs to the gay couple living there. They've just never took the time to get rid of it. The women that basically ran towards you, is blind. Her dog is supposed to help her, but back than it was very young and not yet as well trained as it is today. Sadly the elderly couple doesn't excist in this form anymore. He died two years ago and she is now in a nursing home. You really liked them because they always seemed so happy, even after being married for nearly fifty years. Sometimes they've told you stories from their life and you sat on their porch for hours in a row. The old mansion once was a place were homeless could find a save place for the night, but they run out of money and had to give it up. Three years ago the government destroyed it and now they are planning more apartment houses. Finally the houses you saw from afar? Your best friend lives there. You walk the streets nearly every day and you could almost walk it blind. It's like a second home for you that you got to love over the time.

So of course all of these things where imaginative, but I wanted to get across a point. It's okay to make assumptions over something, but be open to let them go. Try to remember a place or a person before you really knew them, when they were still exciting and new. Think of the shell you saw, not the things that lie behind. We live in a world where we judge things by only seeing. If we stick around though we forget what we saw and start to see with our hearts. I think both are important. Sometimes it is important to take a step back and look at what was our original thought, what inspired us. Don't give up on something just because it hasn't lived up to your expectations. If it isn't worthwhile, try to make it. Maybe all you need is another point of view. Don't judge a book by its cover, but never lose track of the whole picture either. Just remember to remember.

So now I'm off for some adventures. See you in about two weeks or so :D

Cheerio.

Take your time to be lazy

So I work half time. I know that it's not to be compared to working full time. I have quite a few people around me who have told me that there is no reason for me to be tired, that they were doing more, and so on. I get that. Still, I get tired too, as my job can be quite stressful.

I'm cleaning at a hospital. There are three things which are essential: we have to be quick, we have to be nice and we have to be very clean. On special days, I'd say about every Monday to Sunday, we have to be even quicker, nicer and cleaner. It is hard work. After working four hours I usually get home and collapse on my sofa, not able to move for the next hour or so. But yeah, you know, only working half-time here. (I have the most respect for people who can keep that up full time for years and years)

When I started working at the hospital I thought I wouldn't make it long there. After a while it went better, but now I'm really much looking forward to an end soon. I've realized that I practically worked since four month, most of the times five days a week, sometimes on the weekends. Apart from that I started to engage myself at my youth group, I kept up with friends, my writing, found a flat, applied to Uni and went through various fights with my parents. I don't say I have it harder than others, but the sum of all the things that have been going on in my life is pretty heavy for me. 

And you know what? I don't see it getting any less stressful the coming months with moving out, starting Uni and various other things. Even though I did not realize it at first, there were signs of exhaustion going on with me. I stopped writing my diary, even though I wanted to, instead I went to bed. I had to quit appointments with friends because my calendar was overfilled. In general, I had to organize and plan way more things instead of just being able to confirm them. It was all getting over my head. I was tired all the time, even though I had reasonable sleeping hours.

When I look back, I did not remember having much time to idle since mid-march. Of course I had small time bubbles, but they were very very limited. This week was different though. I exchanged shifts with a person that works with me. She did both our half-time shifts on Monday to Wednesday this week, and I'll be doing the same next week. That left me with a five day weekend this week. I really felt like I was having holidays.

So what productive things did I do these past few days? Not many. Three days were spent not leaving my pyjamas, playing Assassin’s Creed in my brother’s room like the addicted person I am right now. That was the best, seriously. I did not have any reason to feel guilty about how I spent my day, I did not have any better plans anyway, for the first time in a while. On Sunday of course I went to church and spent the afternoon with my friends by the river. The last day I was with one of my best friend who just got back from England. We tried to escape the heat wave by stand in the entrance of shops, as the air conditioning is very pleasant there. We also went shopping of course. This happened spontaneously also, due to me having spare time.

Now I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow, I'd prefer having some more free time. Also I don't look forward to work my butt off on the start of next week. But at least I feel a little relaxed again. I think that, even though it sounds stupid, I really need to make time again for those things. Time to do nothing. I used to have that a lot. Someday I might explain to you how I used to design my free time until now. But for today, I’d say it’s time that I go to bed again. 

Cheerio.

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Life updates are cancelled due to me having neither time nor energy to go jogging. I also didn't do any other mayor things about myself lately. My sleepiness is ruining everything right now ;)

Write as if no one is reading

Even though I still know exactly how many people I gave the link to this blog, I found myself controlling what I wanted to write more and more the past few days. Of course I did a bit of promoting elsewhere, whether we talk about links on my YouTube channel or when I make a answer on another blog, but whoever gets on my blog through that, seems to be interested in whatever I produced to get them here, so it's a completely different. The thing is I just happen to worry too much about what others may or may not think of me.

Whenever I started writing a post in my head lately, I found myself censoring little things that I was insecure about, especially due to some people being able to read this. I didn't think that the general topic was bad, but more about what I reviled about myself and maybe others could be used against me. Of course I don't want to offend anyone in general, but if you built your opinion about me solely from what you read on here I don't have to fear anything, because it means that right now, I don't know you. What made me scared was the fact that it could change the opinion some have about me, namely of people that I see on a regular basis, or even worse, of people whose opinion I care about.

It shouldn’t be solely orientated about people I know, it should also be about people I don't know yet.. Right now, on this date, I get about 2-3 page views a day. It's not much, but at the end of a month it adds up to a nice number. It means that I might have people actually interested in my writing, and not part of a "friendship support" as I like to call it.

The thing is, here I can express myself. I don't promote this blog on Facebook, and whenever I share it with someone I explain certain posts. Some months ago I wrote about me feeling sad a lot. I was scared that my friends could take that one post wrong, that they might start to worry about me, even though there was nothing for them to be afraid of. Lately I thought about different things. For example about me sharing my opinions on Christianity or just simply, repeat a conversations I had with friends. The thought that one of those people reading would find my conclusions weird, or wrong, made me insecure about my own writing, which I really shouldn’t be.

I want to become better at writing and in order for that I need to practice it in any form. This blog is a great chance for that, but it's also a way to get to know myself a little better.

This whole thinking lead to one thing, namely a Quote by Souza “Dance as though no one is watching you, love as though you have never been hurt before, sing as though no one can hear you, live as though heaven is on earth.” This may sound simple, and even worse, childish, but since I heard it the first time I loved it. I want to do that. I want to be known as a person who is straight forward. I want to be able to express my opinions on here, because this is the place where I have absolute power ;).

To sum this all up, the content on here won't change; this was just a little inside into my head. On the other hand I wanted to reassure myself that is ok for me to talk freely. And last but not least, if you are a friend of mine reading this and something seems utterly strange to you, then just tell me in person and I have absolutely no reason to even worry about that. (Oh and I don't say you gave me reasons to worry, I just did it anyway).

Cheerio