A Yearly Recap

I only ever have one big goal for a new year: Progress. The thought of standing still, of life not being an endless journey of change and growth, it sounds bad to me. Every year I want to go ahead and attempt to become better, in whatever sense that could be. I remember clearly December 2014, I was not content. My year was good, not much to complain about, but I honestly couldn’t pinpoint that many extraordinary moments. I did not feel like I as a person changed, tried new things or had been especially fierce. It just didn’t feel enough. For 2015 I dreamed about more, without being sure what this more meant.

Now, today, on January 1^st 2016, things are differently. I am proud to say, that in 2015, I fulfilled my goal. I worked on myself, I had highs and lows but my mind-set is to my utter surprise not the same as it used to be. Not due to the clock changing, cause "new year, new me" is crap, but because I had 365 days to change, and somehow I did.

Mostly, that happened due to circumstances I did not influence, so I can’t really take credit for it. I just want to start this year with being thankful. I am grateful for the learning opportunities in 2015. I am astonished about the small and big opportunities I had last year. I am amazed at the people I have around me that just make me a better self. Finally, I am curious and ready to see more of that happening in 2016.

I do like to look back on a year by having a small timeline of things that happened. I already wrote that, but I am ignoring it. Instead I will sort things by topic. Last year was great cause…

…I saw more gigs than I ever thought I would. I am not a music gal, but singing with musicians you enjoy and to songs you love in a big crowd is something that can happen more often if you ask me. Shout out to Imagine Dragons, Hurts, For King and Country, Jesus Culture, Sido, Culcha Candela.

…I had a bucket list summer. Now that is a concept I thought about when all of a sudden, I did all those cool things, like boating on a big river in Switzerland, visiting summer camp, going to Greece and Germany, multiple weddings of couples I like so much and finally doing my theory test for driving in addition to just so many beautiful summer days and nights with beautiful people.

…I have a rough idea about what I will do the next two and a half years cause I will stay at university to get a second bachelor’s degree in theology. That’s one of the best things that came out of this year and even though I am crumbling already due to the workload, I am looking forward to it a lot.

… I changed. This is the hardest to explain, but so much about my mindset has changed this year. I really want to dig into that in a later post. I see myself different now, I believe I am capable of so many things and I start to wonder if my dreams could really actually become reality. In addition to that, I kind of made peace with myself, with some aspects that have been bugging me for years and years, and all of a sudden everything feels possible. It’s easiest to say: I fell in love with my own life.

…I started doing more things for myself and on my own. That feels good!

…I actually went to a brothel and to the red light district with an organisation that is in contact with prostitutes and tries to help them, in my own city. I mean, this is crazy, and amazing, and left me with even more intentions to work in that field.

…I won my fifth year of NaNoWriMo even though I initially did not want to participate. NaNo was hectic and crazy, but that’s what Novembers are for!

…there were actually so many big and little things that happened that made me smile, giggle and laugh. I can’t even remember all, but the year was filled with them and I am grateful.

Now the things is, that there were also sad things, mostly death related. I was especially touched by four. The first is silly, my dog died. She was with us for 16 years, so since I was five years old. One day to another she was too weak to get up and so we had to put her down.

The second death was a woman of my church. I can’t even describe why that touched me, but it did. There were various little reasons that just built up to that feeling. At least I know that she IS in a better place now.

And the last, and most recent one, on the 22. December my Grandfather died. I had 21 years wit four grandparents, so I am lucky, still I am sad, cause he was such a kind man and I loved him a lot. At least I know he knew I loved him, as well as I know he loved me. In the aftermath of him dying my grandma collapsed and had to have surgery, so my holidays were rather bittersweet. My grandma is slowly getting well again.

You see, everything is a mixture of emotions, but that’s ok, that’s how life is for me. I was able to spend the last couple of days with friends at a conference in my city and that was just the best way to let a year end.

Once again, I conclude that this year was good, crazy, a lot to handle, unexpected, adventurous, challenging, but so so worth it. I am truly grateful for it all!

Cheerio. 

Ps: Ok, addmited, this year I have one goal: to read through the bible, all of it. Let's see where that gets me!

The things we don't say

Recently I thought a lot about words that are never spoken, secrets that are never spilled and truths that are hidden behind lies. We are not talking about harmful things or bulling, but those tender moments that happen so often that we might miss them; those words between the lines that need to be looked for in order to be found.

First of all, I think nice things should always be said. When I was younger sometimes when I couldn't sleep I imagined having a terminal illness. I don't know why, it's the stupidest any healthy teenager can come up with but I kind of had this scenario in my head. I always wondered what I would do and I imagined writing letters to my loved ones. Soon I realized though, that when thinking about that I barely thought of my family. I love them and they know that. I wouldn't need so many words to explain them because it is plain visible. The people I thought more of where the ones I couldn't just express it as easily: the girl in my class who was funny, good looking and creative. My crush who I knew had many issues in his life, my dearest friends that I would never be able to thank enough for all the memories, this guy who literally is my best friend and so on.

Of course I never wrote those letters, I kept those thoughts to myself and stored them, only releasing tiny bits once in a while. When I grew older though I realized just how much it meant to me hearing similar words that I thought but this time about me. Being truly appreciated for little things, being acknowledged, even cherished... It feels amazing. I started taking screenshots of cute messages, word documents full of texts, pictures of gifts and so on. For a change I wanted to store good things said about me, to take them out again when I didn't feel good, during those though times that will find you every once in a while.

On the other hand I've decided to tell the people around me that they are brilliant. Sometimes I will not use the words "you are cool" or "I like you" simply because that might not always be the way to communicate. I have friends who I'm mostly using sarcasm with, so sometimes "You are a twat/idiot/stupid" means "I really appreciate your existence". I also assume that for some people around me it's exactly the same. A while ago I had a short talk with a friend of mine and she told me about her fear of missing out and having lost friends due to missing out in the past. I told her to look around and realize that even though she was away for a while, she still gets teased and made fun of from our friends, which clearly is their way of saying "it's like you never left", maybe even with a pinch of "we've missed you".

Someone once told me that behind every word of irony, there is a hidden agenda; something bad that we are afraid to show. At first I shrugged it off, knowing that I have used sarcasm multiple times for nothing more than a joke. On the other hand I do remember times and times when my words where true, but hidden behind irony. Maybe it's true that we are afraid to declare our admiration for someone because it might sound cheesy, but it could also just be that after a while the words "I like you" have lost so much value that we don't feel comfortable using them anymore. It could also be that we say some things that way, in order to conceal what we feel. It's not always appropriate to express your opinions; it can actually make people uncomfortable. I used to have this habit with my best guy friend in school to write each other the cheesiest birthday messages whilst not saying things like that during the year. I have found one of these messages recently and it made me so happy.

Yes I have tried to hide things behind a wall of sarcasm "of course I have a crush on him" would probably be the most used in high school (my classmates would not stop bugging me about this guy and I didn't want to talk about it so by adding a pinch of irony I made them think it wasn't true). Maybe it also was "I'm fine" (which is plain stupid. I started being honest about how I'm actually doing upon hearing this question, feels way better).

My life is an open book and that's the way I want it to be. There are very few things that I wouldn't share with my friends and even fewer that I keep all to myself (at least as long as we speak about my things. I don't spill other people's secrets). Still, sometimes it's not what you say; it's how you say it. It might be better to let action speak, or it might just be about the packaging, how you express your thoughts. Whatever you do, try to speak out the good words, keep the nice ones you receive and forget about the rest.

Maybe this was just my way of saying "sarcasm is good", or between the lines I just wanted to express "I freaking love the people around me so much, they make my life so lovable" without sounding too stupidly obvious. It's also possible that I just thought too much about those words left unspoken, that I really wish I could say, but probably never will ;)


Cheerio.

Cheers to 2013, Hello 2014

I know, I know, I'm late to the whole year recap thing, but better late than never. Besides, we are on the first page of a 365 pages long new chapter and even though I mocked the idea of the calendar changing to be something important to a human life just yesterday, I can imagine it to be a good milestone to recollect past happenings and to re-evaluate ones life. To be honest sometimes I'm convinced that studying sociology is the best thing for me, considering how much I like to overanalyse things like New Year.

I'm not sure if I'm ever able to say: "This was my best year". Every year has had its ups and downs. I remember December 2012 was rough; I was pretty depressed and sad. One evening shortly before the year ended I remember crying my eyes out because I couldn't take it no more. What was it? Life in general. You see I started last year not in the best mood, and I continued it until halfway through February. Then the first step on my recovery happened, it was the day that I was offered the money to go on that mission trip that I talked about in an earlier post. It was something that didn't have to do with my problems considering finding a job and a flat for college, but it was a sign that everything might turn out just alright somehow.

I recently checked through my diary and read the things I wrote last year. I couldn't help but smile. In march I wrote that I finally felt like I was on the upgrade as I had found a job and about two weeks later I was approached by my youth pastor and asked if I wanted to become a youth group leader. Of course I also like March because it was my birthday and finally because I filmed my first ever YouTube video in the middle of the month. It was pretty awesome.

In April I started working, which was tiring but I was so happy to be finally doing something again. Also I actually became a youth group leader. May and June were month when nothing very spectacular happened, at least nothing that is really worth to be mentioned. July I only remember having to work more, being exhausted and also preparing for Mallorca. Also throughout this time I was tutoring a friend of mine in English which was something that I quite liked. Last but not least I found a flat, even though I was very sceptical about that, but it didn't end up quite as bad. 

August was Mallorca, which definitely marks the highlight of my year. The best part about it? I'm coming back this year! During this time I also grew back closer to a friend who I wasn't that close anymore before. September meant moving out and starting University. A huge step for me, a real adventure but a good one. 

My favourite about October definitely was going to Germany in order to visit the people I met in Mallorca. That was another adventure. I went there with the friend I grew closer again, but I wanted to meet someone from Stuttgart before heading over to Karlsruhe, so it was my first time going to a foreign country on my own and it was also the first time to organize a travel. I know it's nothing huge, but for me it meant quite something. It showed to me once more that I want to keep crossing my own boundaries and get past the things I know. That adventure included being a total minority, seeing dear friends and even going to visit a prison. Pretty cool.

November was challenging. I did my first "preach" in front of my youth group which made me very nervous. I'm not very good with standing in front of people, but I aim to be, so I'm not afraid to work on that. I'm pretty ok with how it went in the end. Besides there was NaNoWriMo, and busy weekends in general as everything seemed to be crammed into the last two month of the year.

December was rough, family drama deluxe, studying for finals, Christmas, and New Year. I struggled again but I told myself to keep looking on the bright spots, the support of my friends, the dance we had at our church and the fact that I survived my first semester and that I could take a break again. The past few days were chaotic but alright in the end. 

After some shenanigans on Sunday I found my eyes to feel rather sore which turned out to be an eye infection. The problem was that I had promised to co-host my church's New Years Eve party and that we had nothing planned. After going to the doctor yesterday he gave me an ok to go, but sadly the other co-host was sick. So yesterday included running to the doctor's, calling a friend very humbly to ask if he would co-host with me (which to my utter surprise he agreed to do), helping to set up the decoration, planning somewhat of a program to entertain the crowd for a while, hosting and besides, trying not to infect anyone and finally actually enjoying myself within that chaos. It all worked out, probably largely because said friend not only stepped in as co-host, but also as technician filling the gap that a sick organiser leaves behind. Even though he does not read my blog, a massive thank you once again. Good to know I have friends that I can spontaneously count on.

To be fair that is not even close to what went on during this year, but all that I thought to be important enough to mention. The year in general was filled with friends, laughter, beautiful and unforgettable moments and as I said, ups and downs. I can't wait for all the exciting new things that 2014 will bring the adventures and the challenges. It better be great!

Cheerio.

Selfie Time

I'm not sure if this is something everyone can relate to, if it's a girl problem or if it's just me who is affected by it, but let me tell you something. Sometimes I look in the mirror not just to check that I don't have any stains on my clothes or to check my face for leftover toothpaste, but in order to really look at me. As a matter of fact I assume that every single person who knows me has probably more of an idea about my face, its shape and generally how I look than I do. Sometimes when I share one of these intense looks with my own reflection it happens that I do not even recognize me anymore. Or maybe that's just the moment where I can truly see all my features unlike those short glimpses I get throughout the day.

Usually when I take a little more time to look at myself I start to see every flaw. I don't have pure skin, there is this scar on my forehead and I think that my face is genuinely not what I consider good looking. Of course there are also things about my body that I dislike, which add up to my vain unhappiness. I mean I know that I could do more for myself and I'd probably look better, I could wear more make-up, use skin care more regularly and dress better, but even though I think about these things doesn't mean that I think I should do them every day.

There are also other days luckily, in which I can't help but compliment myself, like for example the colour of my eyes, for how my hair lies or sometimes a shirt that I bought that suits me. Getting a compliment from a friend is cool and feels nice, but getting one from my harshest critic, me, feels just as good. Sometimes one of these I-kind-of-do-not-dislike-myself-that-much days can lead up to some pampering.

Sometimes I start to paint my nails, just because I can. I do not care on most days, yes, but I can enjoy treating myself with some make-up or nail polish from time to time. It might not end then; sometimes I want to embrace that good feeling even more so I start to look into my wardrobe for the right piece to enhance my beauty. When I found it I look into the mirror again. It's the same person I considered ugly the day before, the very same features, but my perspective has changed. It happens that I spend minutes just standing there, trying to understand why I can feel so different about my own body that has not really changed but just feels different. From time to time I'm done at this point, looking and trying to figure out my own self, but it there are also moments when I move on to another Level.

I hate photos of me. I don't mean I dislike pictures of me and my friends, I love them. I just don't like me alone in a photo. There are only two moments when it's ok for me to take a picture of myself. Firstly when my profile picture on facebook is so outdated that I managed to change my hairstyle twice since taking the last one (trust me, that did happen way too often) and secondly when I feel beautiful. As a result I have probably more selfies than you'd expect, but most of them were taken on about six days throughout my entire life.

Let me tell you, giving yourself an ego-selfie-photo shoot is a real joy. Some of my pictures look very very bad so I delete them just after taking, but others are very nice ones too. Don't be embarrassed to pose a little; no one is ever going to see them anyway, unless you decide to share them. Enjoy your own body, feel unashamed. Try out different angles, pull faces or use filters, whatever pleases you. Don't listen to anyone, not even yourself, when they tell you you're worthless or ugly as beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you dislike cameras as much as I do then face it anyway, you don't want to look at all the beautiful photos of your friends and pretend all of them look incredibly good and you are the ugly duckling. It's not true. And remember, one thing is for sure, a picture says more than a thousand words.

Cheerio.