It all comes down to shame

I've always found the story of Adam and Eve to be very interesting. I remember being a kid, about eight years old, at a different church than the one I am now attending. At Sunday school they were teaching us about the origins of the earth, about Eve and how she picked up that apple (or whatever fruit it was) and how it all went downhill from there. One thing stuck with me. The Sunday school teacher asked us if we thought we would've done better, but there was not one doubt in me, even at that young age, that I would've done exactly the same due to various reason.

Back then I already knew that I was curious. I wanted to know everything and not eating that apple would've meant not understanding the world they lived on, which didn't seem good enough. Later, when I was older I thought that I would've eaten it because the snake was good at convincing. I can imagine it saying something like "he does care for you, sure, but he has his own superior motives in mind. He isn't giving you everything, but expects you to be obedient. That isn't fair, is it?" My fear of not getting enough, of always being the second would have gotten to me and I would have fallen for that trap, for sure.

Nowadays I assume I would probably still not be able to deny, mainly because I am back to wanting to know everything. Knowledge and understand is very appealing to me and we are speaking of the tree of knowledge. Of course I would've bloody eaten the fruit; I don't doubt myself for a second there. I would have yielded oh so quickly. And what happened next is not a secret.

Eve convinced Adam to eat of it too, and then they hid in the woods, as all of a sudden they felt shame. Ever since that moment, whether it really did happen or not, we are prone to be ashamed and we are. And when we are too ashamed we try to hide, to cover up and to pretend like it never happened. That's how God found them. All of a sudden aware of their nakedness, they didn't try to dare walk around in front of God anymore. I can imagine them only just starting to understand who they were spending time with. They didn't feel at peace around him anymore because they got a grasp at how important he is. That's how I imagine. And when God figured out what happened I can only imagine how sad he felt; because he loved the two of them dearly. I think he wanted to be close to them, but now shame separated them forever.

That's how it is today. I realized just how bad shame is controlling us all, but when I realized, I could see traces in the lives of every person around me, also in mine. My father is ashamed so he is drinking to cover up. My friend is ashamed so she hides behind fear, that guy is ashamed and so he pretends, the next person is ashamed and so they try to compensate. I am ashamed and so I am angry, or sad, or secretive or I don't know.

Now don't get me wrong. There are moments that feeling ashamed is appropriate, mostly when it is paired with feeling sorry. When you did something wrong, being ashamed for what you did is key to asking for forgiveness. Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so we now know what good and evil is. So when we do evil, we will feel ashamed. SO the problem for me is not the feeling ashamed, it's the being and staying ashamed. It's the covering up our shame instead of being open about it.

I figured that out the hard way, but at least I did figure it out. When I finally allowed to myself to think about the whole questioning-my-own-sexuality-thing I was relived to figure it out. But only when I spoke about it in public for the first time I felt like it was done. Before that I was happy to have an answer, but I was still ashamed about all of it. That's why I deleted three drafts of that post, too scared to go public even on this blog. What would my friends who have access think? Those are people I care about, what would happen?

Before even posting about it here, before speaking to anyone, I managed to put even more shame on my life. I met up with some friends during the week, and we joked as usually. That day had been kind of shitty and I was tired from sleeping badly when someone I care about a lot said something that hurt me. At first I didn't notice, I joked back didn't even think about it. When I left I could already feel something coming up, but I told myself I was just tired.

Walking to the bus stop I heard what he said on repeat in my mind, and everything it got worse. In the bus I basically shouted at myself to not cry in public. By the time I was home I ran to the bathroom and cried. The next day I woke up furious. At myself for letting that person hurt me, at that person for daring to do so. And I fuelled my anger. I refused to talk to them, look at them, even tried to not think about them, only broke that to be angry at them. I couldn't let it go, even though I told myself it was a joke, no harm intended, it was a little thing and I should not make fuzz about it. But I couldn't. Also I could not tell that person because goodness gracious, I am not such a sissy to get angry about some sarcasm, am I?

Almost a week after it happened, I was still hurt, angry and sad, it hit me. I was so ashamed about my own feelings and the fact that it got to me so badly, that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had a good laugh at myself trust me, but then I started to think this through. In order to being able to forgive that person, I needed to tell them, no way around it. So I had to address the issue and be open about how they managed to hit a spot, I had to expose the wound, again, and hope they wouldn't use it against me. What a risk. In the moment I took that decision, I had this feeling that it was exactly the right thing to do. I was closing the door to anger, and tried to clear my thoughts instead.

So the next day, I felt better. All of a sudden I was able to let it go, but this time, I decided against it. I knew that not speaking about it would give me a short time rest; I wanted it to be gone for real though. I prepared my words and texted my friend. Afterwards came fifteen minutes of absolute utter fear. I had made my point and awaited an answer, in total horror of the fact that I had been painfully honest once again. You know what? Once again it was the right thing to do. All my fears of them using it against me were totally in vain and the reply all in all just showed me how much of a mess I made out of nothing. Still I claim that I did what I had to do. Being ashamed doesn't fix it, it might be a good start to feel it, but to use it in order to solve a conflict is better than to try to hide forever, because I think no one is able to hide forever. Adam had to speak with God and both of them had to life with the mess they created, that's what we still need to do today.

I think most problems happen because we are hurt beings. We are hurt in many ways throughout our life and we can only take so much of it until we fall. Even in paradise they got hurt, and they were protected well. So maybe we should start questioning we hold on to grudges, why we keep being angry and why we blood can't open our mouths about or feelings in general. Maybe we should stop being ashamed, not overnight just to walk right into the trap again tomorrow, but instead slowly but surely start to realize that shame is not the end of the road, it could just indicate that it's time to adjust the path a bit to get past this obstacle.

And mistakes happen, look at Eve, but don't let them take you down, be forgiving with yourself and others.


Cheerio.

Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.

Why I am sometimes weirded out

So here is the second part of the things that have happened this weekend. It’s the more personal perspective, it contains of the whole Sunday because i found it quite hard to figure out what to keep and what to toss because the whole day was just a whole story. I have to admit though that two days after writing the whole thing I’m not sure what kind of light I’m going to shine on myself now, but I promised to post it so here you go. 

I just saw it again on Sunday how God takes my personal feelings into his hand and how he knows the way to make me feel blessed and happy. In the morning at the end of the service the US team initiated something called a fire tunnel. Essentially it means that some people experienced in praying stand in two rows, facing each other, that's the tunnel. One by one the receiving people walk through that tunnel and they get prayed for, whilst they do that, some people prayers might lay their hands on shoulders, bellies or heads, one reason for that might be that physical connection helps them. Now we don't talk about calm prayers here, as that's where the fire part comes in. Touched by the Holy Spirit both, the prayers and the recipient can feel different level of that presence. The scale varies from nothing, to heat, to heavy shaking up to just passing out or screaming. All of these things are normal.

Now I have two problems with this. As I said, I try to be reasonable and controlled and I know that's not the goal when going through a fire tunnel. It is very strange to see how different people react. To be honest I still get chills when I see someone being shaken like a maniac. Also I'm not so fund of the touching as it tends to be rather overwhelming for me. Last year I was kind of forced to walk through by a friend. Don't get me wrong, she didn't mean any harm, but I found it hard to deny her when she noticed that I had hadn't been through yet. This year I knew that nothing would bring me to do it, if not myself. It was like cliff jumping all over again, I saw other people doing it, enjoying it and slowly, oh so slowly the desire in me grew. At first it was a silent promise: “Next year.... next year I'm not only going to walk through it, I will stand at the end caring for whoever needs it, I promise that, but this year I might just not do it at all”. So when I realized that the line became shorter and shorter I took the leap of faith. It was ok, not as confusing at last year, but also not as touching. I just walked out in the end.

In the afternoon we got to spend some time with the team though and I then realized what I talked about before. They are people with a serving heart, nothing more, nothing less. By just spending the afternoon with them I got blessed the way I get blessed the most, by just being with them, naturally, chatting and enjoying the sun. It might not seem like much, but for me it was brilliant. There were me and two of my close friends who actually had almost nothing to do with that whole mission trip, still we were in that incredibly small group of seven people of our church who were on that mountain with them. We even got involved when handing out the parting gifts for the Americans (Swiss army knives ;) ) as we were asked to help distribute them and saying something to each person we handed them to. With God you basically never give without receiving back straight away. I don’t know why, but this meant so very much to me.

In the evening I was in quite a bit of a hurry as I wanted to go back to college late at night. At the end of the service there was once again a fire tunnel. This time I had not doubts, I just walked through it. Again it was nothing too spectacular. When I reached the end though I saw that a guy, who is fifteen years old, had joined the praying rows. Without thinking too much I did the same, leaving between doubting to even walk through to being part of it myself, less than twelve hours. Now we are not talking about me suddenly being good at this, but I know two things: Firstly I did not cause any harm. Whether it was allowed for me to do this or not, God was ok with it. I know that. Secondly, for me it was very important. Being on the other side of this tunnel helped me calm down. I remember two people crawling through it. Usually that would’ve scared the living heck out of me but I have never felt so calm, actually I just laughed.

I’m slowly but surely learning to stop over-respecting everything at church, thinking about the right protocol for everything. I just act the way that I feel God is telling me to and that feels oh so healthy. It means less control, but still not absolutely losing me. I was aware of what was happening, I checked my watch every five minutes to not miss my train, but I was there, open, trying to serve at a place where I would’ve never seen me standing at all. Besides, standing in the tunnel was probably a better preparation if God really wants me to fulfil my promise next year and doing the “after care” as I call it ironically. If I misunderstood him or his goals for me are different by then, ok, he probably has his reasons then.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with that weekend, where to sort it exactly. I have experienced more that has to do with this kind of supernatural stuff in the past month than I have the rest of my life before. It’s kind of overwhelming and as it’s something completely out of my control also a bit scary. I’m right now taking time to sort this because even now I don’t comprehend why I acted as I did. Looking back it was so not “me” to stand in that row, I’m way to shy or rather insecure for stepping out like this, at least it was stepping out for me. I’m also proud though for not doing my usual running away trick, sneaking out as soon as possible and then pretending like nothing happened. I might becoming more and more who I want to be.

Sorry if this was too much of a diary entry, I just felt like it was what I wanted to write about.

Cheerio.

Easy to carry along

I'm writing this post before I write something in my diary about yesterday, so the thoughts are still fresh and have not left my brain yet. Also usually I don't talk as much about my personal relationship with God, as again, it's probably the utmost private thing I have, but I want to share my thoughts here today. Also in this post I just chat about things that go on at my church, including things that cannot be easily explained as they are supernatural. I still try my best to explain everything briefly. Due to the length of this post I’m going to divide it into two parts, firstly some general things and then the events of last Sunday.

Last weekend I had a great time, even though quite a while I thought that this wouldn't be the case. Let me elaborate. Our church had some visitors from the USA who were on a mission trip in Switzerland. They all attend the same school that belongs to a big church in the US. I have not yet seen through it completely, but when it comes to that church, my church is kind of obsessed.

I really consider it unhealthy from time to time, and I have never made an effort to hide me being displeased. Yes, some of my friends are there, or they plan to attend, some have paid it a visit before. I'd never say they are some kind of fangirls/boys, following the newest trend. I believe that the movement there does a lot of good in the name of God and that I know nothing bad about them to say, but I still have a big problem with what's going on. Sometimes it seems that this church alone is good, holy and blessed. They listen to their music, watch their services online, read their pastor's books and all in all it looks like they are putting those people way too high above themselves. Yes, they are gifted, but so are people in our church. They reach more people, but since when is it quantity over quality? (I didn't say that the quality is bad, but from what I know they started out small, like everyone does)

You see, I'm not opposed to the work, nor the people, but I'm opposed to the hype. Some people behaved like we were going to have celebrities in the house, when all they did was using their God given gift for what they got it, serving. They probably received better teaching than most of us so they serve very well, but from what I got to know about them they also have a servants heart, which means they are humble. Before this weekend I was so distracted by what people said and how they reacted to their coming, that I myself put this group on a pedestal, just on a bad one. I'm more than happy to say that I was wrong.

There is a reason why I act opposed to the whole behaviour and I must admit it's not because I'm clever enough to see through people who just play along and are secretly dishonest with themselves. I get told that I'm reasonable a lot which is probably a good description and I like it. The problem is that apart from being reasonable I am also very passionate. If I'd let myself then I could easily jump on every bandwagon around me. I just don't want that all the time, so I keep that passion stored somewhere inside of me so it doesn't break loose all the time. That doesn't mean that I'm calm or anything, I have no problem to express myself and be a bit crazy, but there is one area of life when it's very different, namely everything that has to do with God.

I don't want to exaggerate around him; I just want to be me, and the most me I could actually be. I don't want to be shaken or swept off my feet, just because it happens to my peers. I don't want to lift my hands during worship because it's the norm at church. I don't want to pray in tongues, or pretend to be able to do it just for the sake of belonging. (Disclaimer, I don't say I knew of anyone who does that but could easily see it happen). Me and God, us, that's what I want. I want to honour him because I want to. I want to desire to follow where he leads me because that's my actual heart cry to. For me, God does not do anything to force me, he just picks up my hand and then we see together what's next. I'm not his puppet, instead we are a team. He talks to me in the way that makes me comfortable, he doesn't want to scare me and for me that shows just how much he loves me, as a unique person.

That was all I wanted to write about today, the second part follows Wednesday

Cheerio.

Enjoy life and live the adventure - part 1

I've already told you that I was away at the beginning of August for ten days. I was in Mallorca and I spend a very good time there. But of course it wasn't as easy as me just hoping on a plane, there is so much more story behind it all. I'd propose you'd take a seat and just read ;)

First of all let me introduce you to what we did and with whom. We went on a mission trip to Mallorca, an Island belonging to Spain. We went there with an organization called Gospel Tribe, which is based in Germany. They have a bible school and organize outreaches to different places on a regular basis. This year was their third or fourth (Sorry can't remember) trip to the Ballermann, which is the German party zone on the Island. If you live in a country were german is a spoken language, you know about the Ballermann. Also on the island is the English Party zone in Magaluf. The goal of our project was to talk with people and pray for them if they wanted to. But now on to my personal story.

I still remember when our youth pastor told me about the trip for the first time. It was during the time that I occasionally helped out in our church's office due to me not having anything better to do. I just loved the idea straight away because unlike American’s we Swiss have too little mission trips going on. What I liked especially was the fact that we'd be a group of our church instead of just me as an individual having to join a group of people I don't know. Back then I really hoped that I'd be able to make it. 

One evening in January, the man who was organizing this trip came to our church to present what we were going to do. Again I knew that I wanted to go, but I just realized then that I couldn't actually go. I still didn't have a job after searching for about half a year. How was I supposed to pay for it? There was no way for me to sign up for it without having a plan settled what I would be doing by the time I left. Would I find a job, would I get time off? There were just too many unanswered questions.

You see, I gave up. But on the very same evening I changed my opinion once more. A man from our church, a friend of mine, got up to me and asked what I was thinking about that whole project. I was honest and told him I liked the idea but that there were too many unresolved problems, like the money issue. It didn't take him minutes to offer me the money. I remember standing there, not sure what I was supposed to do. Should I really accept that amount of money? Was that ok or not? I somehow wanted to go, but was I really sure? And what about the job issue? I was confused and overwhelmed, grateful for the opportunity. I got home and I was smiling, thinking that maybe it would all work out for me in the end.

In the end I decided that I would accept the money. I had to realize that if god organizes the finances, then he would also organize the time and everything else. Of course he did. So know we have a cut, I think it was in June when I started to doubt it all. I started questioning myself and loaded a lot of pressure on me. It was not only I going, but I felt like I was having more responsibility due to me kind of having a scholarship. Generally spoken I felt obligated to achieve something with all of that for more than just myself. Even though I'm quite talkative, it's hard for me to approach strangers. What did I even think when I signed up for going to Mallorca? I did not even like Germans!! There were so many things that we didn't know and when I talked to a friend who was going to we both said that we were not really looking forward to it. I started dreading the day that we left; on the other hand I was still somewhat excited because at least I would swim in the sea again and maybe tan a little on the beach, something that I didn't think I would do this year.

Again I was calmed down. The man who paid for my trip asked me if I wanted to come to his house group one day, to tell them what we were going to do and so they could pray for me and all. Of course I accepted that was the least I could do. What really touched me then was that they specifically prayed for my free time. They prayed that I would be able to enjoy my time, that there should be no pressure from anyone for me to achieve anything. It was exactly what I needed to hear and went from my ear straight to my heart where I felt relaxation all of a sudden. I was ready for the adventure.

The thing is I don't know what to tell you about the time we spent there. So much happened in these ten days, there is not enough space left on this post. It was amazing. If I wanted to tell you all you'd have to read a whole novel (or my diary, but then I'd probably kill you). Let me just sum it up. I've meet amazing people, I had good conversations, I barely slept, I cried out of happiness about three times, I realized that my life goals are still as important to me as they were when I was a little fourteen year old. I know that I need to fight to get what I want, but that nothing will really stop me until I'm there. I got inspired to take something up again that I abandoned about five times in my life, I changed my mind about Germans (I now love them), and I just generally grew a lot hopefully. I see my future in a different light and I have more plans than ever, which is just fantastic. I'm going to have some marvellous adventures if you ask me.

I promise to tell you more stories shortly, but right now all you need to know is that mission trips really form you. You go there for others, but you get so much for yourself. Await part two of this instalment ;)

Cheerio.

I messed up a little, so let's give up

As the title says, I just found out that my first commandment wasn't really one; it was just a phrase kind of introducing the commandments. I didn't know that, I thought it belonged to them, but then there would be eleven. Of course now I could just go back and delete that post, but I put some work into it and I'd rather edit in the fact that I misunderstood it, than to delete it completely. 

The thing is I don't see much point in continuing the series proper anyway. I'm bored by it and my brain is filled with ideas for other topics and I kind of go nowhere by writing about those bible texts, as I have little knowledge of them all. I'd much rather not finish the project, though I said I wanted to stay committed towards it.

When I read the next verse, on which I should be commenting today, I decided that it wasn't worth it anymore. 


⁸Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. ¹¹ For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. (genesis 20, 8-


I don't respect neither the Sabbath (which starts on Friday evening to Saturday evening), nor Sunday. Yes I go to church on Sundays, but I do not rest, I do the stuff I usually do, I enjoy my life, and when I used to go to school I did my homework then, which is work, and thus should not be done on a holy day. That kind of was the final straw. 

I initially made the series for the commandment that said "honor your parents" but I had some fun with the first ones, and the topic is now over. 

Await a post on a different matter in some days, hopefully tomorrow or the day after

Sorry for not being committed, but barely anyone has read those so...