Be the change you want to see in the world

So I said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not the most energetic person and most of the time I am pretty lazy. Still there are some things that I'm very passionate about and for them I don't care how much work I have to do. One I have already presented you quite some time, its writing. To be published in some way is one of the main goals of my life, but there is also another one and this will be our topic today.

I told you I was making a video and as a matter of fact I managed to do so last weekend. I haven't worked on one in more than half a year, and even though I kind of missed it in general, this video had a purpose and there is a reason why I made it now and not a week later. 

Last year when I was still barely new to the whole YouTube world I read some tweets about a project called P4A, which stands for project for awesome. As a curious person with way too much time on my hand I clicked on one of the links that lead me to a live stream of this project. Basically we are talking of a YouTube based charity were every person that submits a video about their favourite charity has the chance of getting it streamed worldwide to all the people watching and thus promote the organisation they have picked.

I genuinely enjoyed myself last year while watching it and I made the decision then and there that next year I would participate with my favourite charity. So December came and I realized that it I was supposed to be revising and studying then, not making a video. I still secretly played with the idea and when I couldn't sleep last week I decided to just start writing what I wanted to say. After all I take pride in at least doing what I promised myself. I knew that it wasn't going to be hilarious or well scripted or anything, but as much as would've loved to make it brilliant, I couldn't do it in the time given. Also in my opinion it's great if someone has the talent to be witty just like that, but in this situation cause over creativity I'd say.

But what did I talk about? I choose the one charity that every person that knows me a little better has already heard of, because I love talking about it. It's the A21 campaign. Their goal is it to abolish modern day slavery and end human trafficking. Since I was fourteen or fifteen I had this idea in my head that I wanted to help females who became prostitutes if they wanted to get out of the business, no matter why it happened or where they are from. It was something that I carried along with me for some years and when I heard of this campaign my heart started beating very heavy in my chest. That was the summer a year ago. Ever since I've been trying my best to talk about it, and just spread the awareness. One day I will achieve my goal to work either with them or with a similar organisation, I will do my best for it.

If you are interested in the video, it is on the end of the post. I really need a microphone though because filming with my laptop on my legs that records every movement of my feet is not helping the quality at all. 
So now you know what I've been up to. Let me tell you, even though it was stressful once again I just love being active on the internet, writing posts, tweeting, facebook stalking, and making videos. 

Oh and if I'm not able to write again before Christmas: Merry Christmas and thanks a lot for reading my blog, I appreciate it a lot :D

Cheerio.

PS: I might just make my P4A video in October next year, just so it doesn't stand in the way of NaNo and my exams...

PPS:  The webside of the P4A for more information: http://www.projectforawesome.com/
The webside of the A21 campaign: http://www.thea21campaign.org/

Hit me baby one more time

I should probably just stop making titles out of pop songs I don't even like, but the other option I had was "from Saul to Paul" which from the perspective of a non-church person sounds either bad or like absolutely nothing. Anyway, here is the thing.

There is this topic that has haunted me for a long time now and whenever it reappears in my head I struggle with it all over. If you dislike everything biblically touched then feel free to skip this paragraph from here on. Otherwise just continue it is actually something more or less relatable. I'm not sure if you are familiar with the biblical story, but there was this bad guy called Saul who wanted to haunt down all the Christians only some years after Jesus had died. He was very successful doing it until one day all of a sudden he had an encounter with Jesus himself and that changed his life forever. Usually this little story and his life are used as a metaphor to cheer up those who consider them self too flawed as that they could ever be used by God.

As a person who lived on this planet for nearly twenty years let me tell you two things. Firstly we are all flawed and broken human beings. We all have scars somewhere, visible or not. Secondly, still some people have it worse than others and I just know where my place is in that scale.

I am a lucky girl. Don't get me wrong, I remember this time a year ago I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. You can now either think I'm weak or you understand that the breaking point of everyone is different. As you can see it took me less than a year from the ground up again. My life consists of valleys and peaks and I make sure to enjoy the view from a viewpoint as long as I'm up there. The next little down is probably just around the corner, its shadows reaching for me. I should just be grateful for all the sun that I got during my life, but it's a source of fear instead.


There's this saying "God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers". I mean if you are going through a hard time that sounds perfect, but when you know yourself that you handle things moderately then it's not as pleasant. This saying basically makes me the weakest soldier to ever join the forces. I honestly fear that I will not be taken seriously ever if my life resolves like this. Don't we all look up to those incredibly strong people who have not been taken down by anything?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not asking for actual bad things to hit me, that'd just be plain stupid, no thanks. I also know what some people around me went through and I am very thankful that I didn't have to deal with it. Sometimes I just fear that due to me being what I call lucky, I do not understand how hard it actually is. Pain forms you, no one can tell me it doesn't. Imagine this piece of clay. It doesn't become a beautiful vase without some serious kneading, right? Humans are the same I think.

The fears get even worse when I think of what I want to do in the future. I might see some pretty terrible things later and I'm not absolutely positive that I can handle them. I've known that for a long time now and I still worry that that's the main reason why I'm not supposed to ever work in the field I plan to. What if I just fail due to my own weakness or because I simply won't be taken serious.

I'm a white girl, coming out of a family whit not too many issues. What do I know about the real world, about things like depression, violence, poverty, world hunger, drug abuse? Nothing. There are some other things I know though. I know that I'm willingly to learn about them. I want to listen, I want to help. I might not be strong yet, but I'll learn it, step by step, fight by fight. 

Sometimes I also feel like not yet awake. I think that there is more to me that I am now and I want to use my full potential. How do I wake up when I feel like I'm asleep all the time? How do I get past that stand-by mode, how do I awake the Paul that lives inside this lazy little Saul?

I think it's about transformation in general, about growing over you, again and again. You don't need to hit rock bottom, but you need to face fears. Everyone needs to fight their own battles, one demon at a time. If my biggest problem is my own laziness then that doesn't mean it's less of a problem than real life depression. Whatever hurts me is something I as a person cannot tolerate anymore. I might not have heroic stories afterwards, but I'll have personal growth and trust me, nothing is worse than standing still for too long.

Cheerio.

P.s. Sorry I'm lame, NaNoWriMo is eating my soul and my time. Which is a bad excuse but yeah .

What to expect when you're expecting...

...greater things to happen. Do you know that sensation? Your heart is pounding against your chest, your whole body is tingling, you feel restless, your mind is twirling around but in fact whatever makes you feel this way hasn't even started yet. In May when I went jogging several times I experienced this sensation very often. My body was giving me fake symptoms of how I felt whilst jogging, in addition to thinking about it so in the end I managed to actually get up and do it.

Now I'm in a similar but very different position. I'm in my new flat in the city I'll be studying in for the next at least three years. I knew this and all that comes along with it (leaving home, meeting new people, get to know a different system, starting Uni) was coming my way for a long time. I've mentally prepared for this moment since at least April but I still don't feel ready. I have basically not left this room since 3.5 hours in order to adapt to it, I am somehow very very nervous and have felt like this for about three weeks now. In the mean time I also feel kind of restless and overwhelmed. I'm scared of not being able to achieve my goals, as this part of my life is pretty important.

I remember being a little kid and dreaming oh so big. It was my goal to reach a lot of people, with a message that I did not even know which one it was. I wanted to become somewhat of a star, even though I knew that I didn't have a talent like singing or dancing. Whatever it was that made me feel this way, after a while I saw that many people wanted that, some even wanted a kind of fame that was bigger than themselves, just like me. But they did not succeed. So how was I supposed to get there? How is this silly little thing that is me even able to achieve anything that is more than school? You could say I lost track and started hibernation, putting my dreams away and focusing on real things.

After a while I changed my point of view completely, I couldn't imagine anything good to happen to me. It was not like nothing ever happened, but I feared having expectations. I remember being a fourteen year old sitting in the car of a youth group leader (the one I looked up to the most) on the way to a camp. As part of the preparation she asked me and my two friends, who were with us, what we were expecting to happen during that camp. I remember saying that I honestly did not expect anything in order not to get disappointed if whatever scenario I could possibly have in my mind would not become true. Of course that wasn't the right answer, I was told to try again. After a while I just shrugged and said: "I hope to meet new people and to have a good time with my friends". Needless to say that during that camp happened way more than just that silly thing I wished for. It was during that weekend when I realized what it meant to believe in God for the first time and decided to follow his lead, still one of the best decisions I ever made.

Especially this year I have learned how to trust my future in a new way. I've seen things that were very unlikely to become true, like my trip to Mallorca, or finding a job. I also have an inner list of things that I still want to see happening. Some of them could become real soon, others would be true miracles but I trust in God and with him nothing can stop me or my plans to be fulfilled... Whatever lies before me, I'm not afraid. The best days are yet to come and I'm ready to claim them for me, I'm ready to see my dreams become reality. To be scared is ok, but never let fear stop you. Be prepared.
 
Cheerio.
 
P.S. If you really care about what is going on right now: I managed to enable internet in my room, have eaten some celebrations as they were the only eatable thing I had left (I really need to go grocery shopping tomorrow). I have showered and am about to go to sleep in my new room for the first time. It is rather cold here so I need to buy some warm covers and I forgot to bring my pj's, but apart from that I'm fine and pretty good right now. Excited and nervous for tomorrow though.

Enjoy life and live the adventure - part 1

I've already told you that I was away at the beginning of August for ten days. I was in Mallorca and I spend a very good time there. But of course it wasn't as easy as me just hoping on a plane, there is so much more story behind it all. I'd propose you'd take a seat and just read ;)

First of all let me introduce you to what we did and with whom. We went on a mission trip to Mallorca, an Island belonging to Spain. We went there with an organization called Gospel Tribe, which is based in Germany. They have a bible school and organize outreaches to different places on a regular basis. This year was their third or fourth (Sorry can't remember) trip to the Ballermann, which is the German party zone on the Island. If you live in a country were german is a spoken language, you know about the Ballermann. Also on the island is the English Party zone in Magaluf. The goal of our project was to talk with people and pray for them if they wanted to. But now on to my personal story.

I still remember when our youth pastor told me about the trip for the first time. It was during the time that I occasionally helped out in our church's office due to me not having anything better to do. I just loved the idea straight away because unlike American’s we Swiss have too little mission trips going on. What I liked especially was the fact that we'd be a group of our church instead of just me as an individual having to join a group of people I don't know. Back then I really hoped that I'd be able to make it. 

One evening in January, the man who was organizing this trip came to our church to present what we were going to do. Again I knew that I wanted to go, but I just realized then that I couldn't actually go. I still didn't have a job after searching for about half a year. How was I supposed to pay for it? There was no way for me to sign up for it without having a plan settled what I would be doing by the time I left. Would I find a job, would I get time off? There were just too many unanswered questions.

You see, I gave up. But on the very same evening I changed my opinion once more. A man from our church, a friend of mine, got up to me and asked what I was thinking about that whole project. I was honest and told him I liked the idea but that there were too many unresolved problems, like the money issue. It didn't take him minutes to offer me the money. I remember standing there, not sure what I was supposed to do. Should I really accept that amount of money? Was that ok or not? I somehow wanted to go, but was I really sure? And what about the job issue? I was confused and overwhelmed, grateful for the opportunity. I got home and I was smiling, thinking that maybe it would all work out for me in the end.

In the end I decided that I would accept the money. I had to realize that if god organizes the finances, then he would also organize the time and everything else. Of course he did. So know we have a cut, I think it was in June when I started to doubt it all. I started questioning myself and loaded a lot of pressure on me. It was not only I going, but I felt like I was having more responsibility due to me kind of having a scholarship. Generally spoken I felt obligated to achieve something with all of that for more than just myself. Even though I'm quite talkative, it's hard for me to approach strangers. What did I even think when I signed up for going to Mallorca? I did not even like Germans!! There were so many things that we didn't know and when I talked to a friend who was going to we both said that we were not really looking forward to it. I started dreading the day that we left; on the other hand I was still somewhat excited because at least I would swim in the sea again and maybe tan a little on the beach, something that I didn't think I would do this year.

Again I was calmed down. The man who paid for my trip asked me if I wanted to come to his house group one day, to tell them what we were going to do and so they could pray for me and all. Of course I accepted that was the least I could do. What really touched me then was that they specifically prayed for my free time. They prayed that I would be able to enjoy my time, that there should be no pressure from anyone for me to achieve anything. It was exactly what I needed to hear and went from my ear straight to my heart where I felt relaxation all of a sudden. I was ready for the adventure.

The thing is I don't know what to tell you about the time we spent there. So much happened in these ten days, there is not enough space left on this post. It was amazing. If I wanted to tell you all you'd have to read a whole novel (or my diary, but then I'd probably kill you). Let me just sum it up. I've meet amazing people, I had good conversations, I barely slept, I cried out of happiness about three times, I realized that my life goals are still as important to me as they were when I was a little fourteen year old. I know that I need to fight to get what I want, but that nothing will really stop me until I'm there. I got inspired to take something up again that I abandoned about five times in my life, I changed my mind about Germans (I now love them), and I just generally grew a lot hopefully. I see my future in a different light and I have more plans than ever, which is just fantastic. I'm going to have some marvellous adventures if you ask me.

I promise to tell you more stories shortly, but right now all you need to know is that mission trips really form you. You go there for others, but you get so much for yourself. Await part two of this instalment ;)

Cheerio.

V for vulnerable world

So yes, this post was inspired by the fact that I watched 'V for Vendetta' yesterday and yes, I pretty much loved it.

If you are not familiar with the film, it's about a dystopian England, I guess about twenty years from now, where they have curfews, censorship and even some kind of dictator. One guy, he calls himself V, is trying to start a revolution within one year, as the plot starts at the 5th of November and ends a year later on the same date. You never see V's his face as he got burned terribly and hides behind a Guy Fawkes mask*. V is all about ideas, and ideology, which he thinks are more important than a single human being. I guess his mask serves not only to prevent people from his scarred face, but also to make him less human less of an individual, and therefore more accessible to the public. Everybody can look like V, if they just put on that mask. By doing this, he encourages other people to step in his role, to try to change the world too, as they can identify with him. 

Ok, this is my own theory and I tried not to spoil too much, so if you want to know more about the plot, watch the movie. But trigger alert, it can be a little gory sometimes.

The thing I really wanted to talk about was the whole dystopian theme of the story. I've seen a lot of those movies and books lately, and to be honest I'm fascinated. Our world is in a bad condition, but sometimes I seem to forget how bad it really is. For example, the part of Switzerland where I live witnessed something terrible about two weeks ago. We had our first massacre that I can remember. It was a really surreal experience, I mean I always feel the pain of America when something there goes wrong, but when it happens near you, you suddenly understand what it means. I didn't even know anyone who was connected to the incident, but still it touched me a lot. That, and many other things that are happening, are the reason why I'm into dystopian stuff. It is possible after all. Honestly, what happened to our world that such things are possible? How can we make the world a better place, so that the ones coming after us do not have to carry the burden of our mistakes?

In the film England was having a war with the USA. England talked a lot about God and that they won because it was God's will. If you know the 4th commandment, then you know that you should not misuse the name of the Lord. I think it's wrong to do harm to anyone, in the name of God. In the end, he is our judge, not we judge others. I have gay friends, I have Muslim friends, and I have Atheist friends, because frankly, I do believe in God, I do believe that he is the only one, but I do not believe that I know it all. I might as well be wrong, maybe my Muslim friend is right, but that's simply not what I believe. My faith does make me a better person, a more loving and caring one, so I can't see a bad thing about that, but I'd never dare to say that everybody else is living their lives the wrong way. Faith won't let me.

On the other hand I'm not a fan of forced religion. Faith is as personal as it can get and I'd rather have it that way. When you force people to think something, all you will earn is rebellion, and that's simply not how it should work. 

To answer the second question, all we can do is open up our eyes. One person alone will not be able to shake it all up, but if one person can collaborate with some others, and they can reach even more people, then we can make things better. Maybe it starts with little things, like open up your eyes to the beauty that lies around you instead of observing only the bad. Just remember; always look on the bright side of life, to quote a famous song.

*And yes, the internet phenomenon Anonymous seemed to be so inspired by that film that they use those masks as well. The ideology of non-individuals changing the world seems to be spreading.