The joy of an old beginning

It's been a while.

By now I know that this nook of the internet will be completely unread. Which is fine. I started out with a blank page, and I will keep up that blank page, fill it with my brain, open for people to see if they stumble over it, but probably invisible.

I recently started doing a couple things again that I used to love. I picked up my diary for the first time in almost 2 years, started reading it, laughed and cried about what has happened in the last 9 years and then it hit me. I missed sharing.

I am naturally an oversharing person. Sorry not sorry for that. I am talkative and I wished a gazillion times to be less annoying, but that isn't happening. I overshare in my diary and I used to overshare online, especially on this blog. But then, having few to none readers helped with that. Recently however, after going through my things again, I started having thoughts again. Ofc, this is still my little nook of the internet that a max of 5 people read (I used to love reading my stats). It will remain that, which is fine.

But after reading my old notes today I struggled all of a sudden to keep my thoughts that locked up anymore. I read a text I wrote almost 4 years ago. It was about Peter, one of the closest people to Jesus. And reading my 21 year old self's words had me kinda baffeled. I was impressed by what I read and then I wondered what had happened those past years to make me stop sharing here at all. Of course I didn't stop talking, but I did stop my way of collectin thoughts, which was online and through my diary. So: I want to go back. I want to go back to my little nook of the internet. Where I share. I know that big data is a thing. I know I want to protect who I am, but I also know that I am a person that likes to write, somehwat publicly.

Basically this means I am reopening this thing. It means that I might write more again. That's all the promisses I can make now. To possibly write more, to reopen my nook of the internet. And maybe, I can find the wisdome of my 21 yearold self again, and add to it 4 more years of experience. Just for me. Just as a little writing excercise. We'll see where this leads.

Cheerio.

Fight for what you want

Today during lunchtime I had a discussion with my brother. Don't ask me how we started, but at some point I tried to explain to him that I am proud to be a student, proud to have graduated High School as the first person in our family, proud of all the things I achieved since then. I also tried to explain how hard it felt to me to be proud on those things, without feeling like diminishing what he does, as he is the older one, he is said to have the higher IQ, but he dropped out of High School and is now doing an apprenticeship. I struggled with being happy about my achievements cause it felt like I was pushing his down, which I do not feel comfortable in doing.

I do that a lot. I hate competitions. Whenever someone else and I are in comparison, part of me wants to give up for various reasons, to just not participate in whatever contest it could be. First one being that I do not want to take away something from somebody else. Second is that I am afraid of failing so I might just throw in the towel, just so I do not feel like I was not good enough. Both are really bad ways of living a life to be honest. In always comparing myself with others, I take up responsibility not only for my actions, but for the actions of everyone around me. In addition, I do not do that solely for real things, but also for possibilities. I don't do a thing cause someone else seems more suited in my opinion, even though I do not even know if that person even wants that. That is crap. And in not trying I deprive myself of the challenge, of what could be a brilliant thing if I just really tried.

On a Sunday during a sermon a pastor said, that it can be hurtful and frustrating when someone steals something away from you. One example for that was, that someone could steal your dreamguy. I turned at my friend, complaining, that that was not possible, simply cause a person can hardly be stolen. There is always a choice. So if said dreamguy didn't want to be with me, or even wanted to be with someone else, then he was not mine to claim in the first place. I should adapt that thinking in more places. When someone offers me a thing, why not accept it and trust the person that they knew what they were doing when they offered? Why not assume that maybe it was for me to get anyway?

But what if I start to change the perspective completely. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so why not believe that there is a reason I get possibilities? I get dizzy just thinking of the things I could have, could achieve, could get, if I just stopped trying to protect everyone. Sometimes I hold back telling things, trying things, out of fear of being obnoxious and annoying. What if I decided the people around me were old enough to protect themselves if I went on their nerves? If I started trusting that they'd tell me?

It comes down to accepting who I am, figuring out what I want and then give my best shot. So I am good at knowing who I am, but I should stop holding that back for no reason other than being scared to be judged or that people might get annoyed, especially with friends. Then, when I have also figured out what I want. I should start trying to get it, my way. If my way does not work, then maybe it was not for me anyway, but if it was then even better. If that all fails, then I can go back to everything happens for a reason and be content in knowing I tried, for real this time and finally stop wonder what I could done differently.

Will I be able to do that? I don't know man, but I may aswell try, right?

Cheerio.

A Yearly Recap

I only ever have one big goal for a new year: Progress. The thought of standing still, of life not being an endless journey of change and growth, it sounds bad to me. Every year I want to go ahead and attempt to become better, in whatever sense that could be. I remember clearly December 2014, I was not content. My year was good, not much to complain about, but I honestly couldn’t pinpoint that many extraordinary moments. I did not feel like I as a person changed, tried new things or had been especially fierce. It just didn’t feel enough. For 2015 I dreamed about more, without being sure what this more meant.

Now, today, on January 1^st 2016, things are differently. I am proud to say, that in 2015, I fulfilled my goal. I worked on myself, I had highs and lows but my mind-set is to my utter surprise not the same as it used to be. Not due to the clock changing, cause "new year, new me" is crap, but because I had 365 days to change, and somehow I did.

Mostly, that happened due to circumstances I did not influence, so I can’t really take credit for it. I just want to start this year with being thankful. I am grateful for the learning opportunities in 2015. I am astonished about the small and big opportunities I had last year. I am amazed at the people I have around me that just make me a better self. Finally, I am curious and ready to see more of that happening in 2016.

I do like to look back on a year by having a small timeline of things that happened. I already wrote that, but I am ignoring it. Instead I will sort things by topic. Last year was great cause…

…I saw more gigs than I ever thought I would. I am not a music gal, but singing with musicians you enjoy and to songs you love in a big crowd is something that can happen more often if you ask me. Shout out to Imagine Dragons, Hurts, For King and Country, Jesus Culture, Sido, Culcha Candela.

…I had a bucket list summer. Now that is a concept I thought about when all of a sudden, I did all those cool things, like boating on a big river in Switzerland, visiting summer camp, going to Greece and Germany, multiple weddings of couples I like so much and finally doing my theory test for driving in addition to just so many beautiful summer days and nights with beautiful people.

…I have a rough idea about what I will do the next two and a half years cause I will stay at university to get a second bachelor’s degree in theology. That’s one of the best things that came out of this year and even though I am crumbling already due to the workload, I am looking forward to it a lot.

… I changed. This is the hardest to explain, but so much about my mindset has changed this year. I really want to dig into that in a later post. I see myself different now, I believe I am capable of so many things and I start to wonder if my dreams could really actually become reality. In addition to that, I kind of made peace with myself, with some aspects that have been bugging me for years and years, and all of a sudden everything feels possible. It’s easiest to say: I fell in love with my own life.

…I started doing more things for myself and on my own. That feels good!

…I actually went to a brothel and to the red light district with an organisation that is in contact with prostitutes and tries to help them, in my own city. I mean, this is crazy, and amazing, and left me with even more intentions to work in that field.

…I won my fifth year of NaNoWriMo even though I initially did not want to participate. NaNo was hectic and crazy, but that’s what Novembers are for!

…there were actually so many big and little things that happened that made me smile, giggle and laugh. I can’t even remember all, but the year was filled with them and I am grateful.

Now the things is, that there were also sad things, mostly death related. I was especially touched by four. The first is silly, my dog died. She was with us for 16 years, so since I was five years old. One day to another she was too weak to get up and so we had to put her down.

The second death was a woman of my church. I can’t even describe why that touched me, but it did. There were various little reasons that just built up to that feeling. At least I know that she IS in a better place now.

And the last, and most recent one, on the 22. December my Grandfather died. I had 21 years wit four grandparents, so I am lucky, still I am sad, cause he was such a kind man and I loved him a lot. At least I know he knew I loved him, as well as I know he loved me. In the aftermath of him dying my grandma collapsed and had to have surgery, so my holidays were rather bittersweet. My grandma is slowly getting well again.

You see, everything is a mixture of emotions, but that’s ok, that’s how life is for me. I was able to spend the last couple of days with friends at a conference in my city and that was just the best way to let a year end.

Once again, I conclude that this year was good, crazy, a lot to handle, unexpected, adventurous, challenging, but so so worth it. I am truly grateful for it all!

Cheerio. 

Ps: Ok, addmited, this year I have one goal: to read through the bible, all of it. Let's see where that gets me!

To everything is a season

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of youth recently. By that I don't mean the whole media thing with youthful skin etc, no I just mean then part between teenage years and (young) adulthood. A friend of mine is getting married this summer and she recently said it will be the end of her youth. Another friend said that it was part of her youth to sit in a car with me and chat for hours. Both things together made me think about what I feel that youth is like, how I would determine it exactly, and I came up with a definition that somehow pleased me.

Youth is a time of taking up responsibility. As a kid, you can't take care of yourself. Your parents make all your appointments; they give you food, money, shelter, cloths. You don't really own anything. The older you get, the more is yours. Pocket money is the first time you get responsibility for your finances. You start to make your own appointments, with friends, the hairdresser or the dentist. At some points you will travel alone for the first time. I was 11 years old when I took a 1h train journey by myself for the first time. I went to see a friend and it all happened on very short notice. 

It all happens at a different pace for each individual, but it all happens at some point. When you are a teenager you are already kind of independent, at least in your late teens, most have either finished high school or some other form of basic education, if you want to stay out late, then you can, because you are either close to turning of age, or you are already. Your parents might still give you rules, but most leave you be, you should be old enough to judge a matter.

That's when youth starts for me, when you are old enough to judge, someone who is able to take care of themselves, a responsible human being. It is not exactly tied to an age, but more to a stage of mind. You may choose to take care for other people, but you are mostly supposed to take care of your own well being. Travel the world, study, go crazy. Just do it, because you are as independent as you'll ever be. Your future belongs to you alone-

Well why did my friend say that her youth was ending? She wasn't sad about the fact, just commenting on the inevitable. Also she was looking forward to this chapter to end I guess. Her youth in that sense is ending, because she won't be independent anymore. She will take up responsibility for her husband, for an "us" instead of a "me/I". Her youth is ending not because she is turning a certain age, but because all of a sudden she is tied to something. Something good I'd say, but still tied.

I asked myself what "makes" my youth. I feel like I’m currently in the middle of it. I have a lot of things going on and I’m happy with that busyness, even though it means that I am not always doing the things I need to do exactly when I have to do them. It’s all about priorities. My youth consists of long days and short nights. Late night talks, late nights going out, late nights reading, studying/ paper writing, watching movies, chatting on whatsapp, maybe even sleeping. Every once in a while I'll spend a night tossing and turning in my bed, because the future scares me. Throughout the day I work, go to church, go to uni, chat, drink tea/hot chocolate at starbucks, read, I write, enjoy my free time that I have to my own availability. I make plans on my own and I love nothing more than deciding spontaneously to do something. Those things I listed are not youth-only, but I guess that when I'm older I will tell stories of that.

I don't travel the world; I prefer seeing the world of my friends, of the people around me. I live through others, throughout those deep and honest conversations that just happen. I want to seize my youth as long as I am in this season, for when it ends for whatever reason, I'll have a feeling that it is indeed time to finish this chapter and start a new one. 

Until then, I'll have my fun right where I am at!

Cheerio.

It all comes down to shame

I've always found the story of Adam and Eve to be very interesting. I remember being a kid, about eight years old, at a different church than the one I am now attending. At Sunday school they were teaching us about the origins of the earth, about Eve and how she picked up that apple (or whatever fruit it was) and how it all went downhill from there. One thing stuck with me. The Sunday school teacher asked us if we thought we would've done better, but there was not one doubt in me, even at that young age, that I would've done exactly the same due to various reason.

Back then I already knew that I was curious. I wanted to know everything and not eating that apple would've meant not understanding the world they lived on, which didn't seem good enough. Later, when I was older I thought that I would've eaten it because the snake was good at convincing. I can imagine it saying something like "he does care for you, sure, but he has his own superior motives in mind. He isn't giving you everything, but expects you to be obedient. That isn't fair, is it?" My fear of not getting enough, of always being the second would have gotten to me and I would have fallen for that trap, for sure.

Nowadays I assume I would probably still not be able to deny, mainly because I am back to wanting to know everything. Knowledge and understand is very appealing to me and we are speaking of the tree of knowledge. Of course I would've bloody eaten the fruit; I don't doubt myself for a second there. I would have yielded oh so quickly. And what happened next is not a secret.

Eve convinced Adam to eat of it too, and then they hid in the woods, as all of a sudden they felt shame. Ever since that moment, whether it really did happen or not, we are prone to be ashamed and we are. And when we are too ashamed we try to hide, to cover up and to pretend like it never happened. That's how God found them. All of a sudden aware of their nakedness, they didn't try to dare walk around in front of God anymore. I can imagine them only just starting to understand who they were spending time with. They didn't feel at peace around him anymore because they got a grasp at how important he is. That's how I imagine. And when God figured out what happened I can only imagine how sad he felt; because he loved the two of them dearly. I think he wanted to be close to them, but now shame separated them forever.

That's how it is today. I realized just how bad shame is controlling us all, but when I realized, I could see traces in the lives of every person around me, also in mine. My father is ashamed so he is drinking to cover up. My friend is ashamed so she hides behind fear, that guy is ashamed and so he pretends, the next person is ashamed and so they try to compensate. I am ashamed and so I am angry, or sad, or secretive or I don't know.

Now don't get me wrong. There are moments that feeling ashamed is appropriate, mostly when it is paired with feeling sorry. When you did something wrong, being ashamed for what you did is key to asking for forgiveness. Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so we now know what good and evil is. So when we do evil, we will feel ashamed. SO the problem for me is not the feeling ashamed, it's the being and staying ashamed. It's the covering up our shame instead of being open about it.

I figured that out the hard way, but at least I did figure it out. When I finally allowed to myself to think about the whole questioning-my-own-sexuality-thing I was relived to figure it out. But only when I spoke about it in public for the first time I felt like it was done. Before that I was happy to have an answer, but I was still ashamed about all of it. That's why I deleted three drafts of that post, too scared to go public even on this blog. What would my friends who have access think? Those are people I care about, what would happen?

Before even posting about it here, before speaking to anyone, I managed to put even more shame on my life. I met up with some friends during the week, and we joked as usually. That day had been kind of shitty and I was tired from sleeping badly when someone I care about a lot said something that hurt me. At first I didn't notice, I joked back didn't even think about it. When I left I could already feel something coming up, but I told myself I was just tired.

Walking to the bus stop I heard what he said on repeat in my mind, and everything it got worse. In the bus I basically shouted at myself to not cry in public. By the time I was home I ran to the bathroom and cried. The next day I woke up furious. At myself for letting that person hurt me, at that person for daring to do so. And I fuelled my anger. I refused to talk to them, look at them, even tried to not think about them, only broke that to be angry at them. I couldn't let it go, even though I told myself it was a joke, no harm intended, it was a little thing and I should not make fuzz about it. But I couldn't. Also I could not tell that person because goodness gracious, I am not such a sissy to get angry about some sarcasm, am I?

Almost a week after it happened, I was still hurt, angry and sad, it hit me. I was so ashamed about my own feelings and the fact that it got to me so badly, that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had a good laugh at myself trust me, but then I started to think this through. In order to being able to forgive that person, I needed to tell them, no way around it. So I had to address the issue and be open about how they managed to hit a spot, I had to expose the wound, again, and hope they wouldn't use it against me. What a risk. In the moment I took that decision, I had this feeling that it was exactly the right thing to do. I was closing the door to anger, and tried to clear my thoughts instead.

So the next day, I felt better. All of a sudden I was able to let it go, but this time, I decided against it. I knew that not speaking about it would give me a short time rest; I wanted it to be gone for real though. I prepared my words and texted my friend. Afterwards came fifteen minutes of absolute utter fear. I had made my point and awaited an answer, in total horror of the fact that I had been painfully honest once again. You know what? Once again it was the right thing to do. All my fears of them using it against me were totally in vain and the reply all in all just showed me how much of a mess I made out of nothing. Still I claim that I did what I had to do. Being ashamed doesn't fix it, it might be a good start to feel it, but to use it in order to solve a conflict is better than to try to hide forever, because I think no one is able to hide forever. Adam had to speak with God and both of them had to life with the mess they created, that's what we still need to do today.

I think most problems happen because we are hurt beings. We are hurt in many ways throughout our life and we can only take so much of it until we fall. Even in paradise they got hurt, and they were protected well. So maybe we should start questioning we hold on to grudges, why we keep being angry and why we blood can't open our mouths about or feelings in general. Maybe we should stop being ashamed, not overnight just to walk right into the trap again tomorrow, but instead slowly but surely start to realize that shame is not the end of the road, it could just indicate that it's time to adjust the path a bit to get past this obstacle.

And mistakes happen, look at Eve, but don't let them take you down, be forgiving with yourself and others.


Cheerio.

Detox your life

I and food, that is not a match made in heaven. There are days that I love it and days that I hate it, I use it to control my body and sometimes I refuse to eat, to punish myself. So for the longest time, fasting was not an option for me at all. It still is, when we speak of food fasting. I know deep in my heart, that it is not the right time to do it that way, and I have peace at that thought because let me tell you, food is not the only thing a person can cut short in order to clean out ones life.

I mentioned in two recent posts that I have been doing some sort of project that had me evaluate some things and also made me think a lot. So here is what happened about a month ago:

I was chatting on Whatsapp with a guy friend of mine, when all of a sudden he started telling me about how his friend had convinced him to abstain from any sort of media for the next three weeks. We are currently speaking of two guys who really really like their computers, especially video games. So I was more than ready to laugh at them and I was pretty sure they were going to go insane within days. Of course I was also rather intriueged about their reason, so I asked my questions. The answer was not as funny as I'd hoped for, as they wanted to do it to get rid of those distractions that kept them from getting closer to God. I then proceeded to word out how impressed I was, only to be followed by an explanation why I could never do it.

I think my words were "one day I want to do this too, but not yet", to which I got following answer "every day, is not yet day". I'm conviced my friend didn't plan it, but that hit a note with me. He was right. I knew they wanted to start at midnight, so I lay in my bed, scrolling through facebook at quarter to twelve and I did it so delibaretely I kind of knew something was up. Though I still refused, making bad excuses and being convinced that I was simply not capable of doing it. My friend then went to sleep, as wanted I, but I couldn't. I felt the tug on my heart and I already knew what I was supposed to do, even though I did not want to at all. I took out my diary and made a really short pro and contra list just to buy myself some more time. In the end I made my desicion.

I told myself for the first few days, I would not tell anyone (except from one whatsapp group). Then I set myself rules, for example that books were banned, except christian books and the bible. Then whatsapp was ok, but every social media was banned too. In order to shorten it, I just called it media ban. The last thing I did before really trying to fall asleep was, I prayed to God.

I said something alon the lines of: I'm going out of a limb now. I feel like I will go cray in three weeks with no media, so all I can do is ask for you to do something with it. I have heard stories of how much you can do in times like that, so if I'm honest, I expect magical moments. I'm making a fool out of myself, but all I want is that it is some sort of worth it. Be present in that time. Thank you.

And thus a magical journey started. From day one on I had a good feeling (I had a test on day two, and I was so borred that I studied the whole day and aced the test). Yes I cheated a little, but I never did it out of need, but always out of curiosity. One day I complained to the guy I mentioned first, that I was so borred and that God wasn't talking (that was a lie, I just did not listen well enough), so the day after God did not shut up until 4 am. Humorous that guy, really.

When it all came to an end I was discussing the results with my friend, without really saying what happened in detail, just general things and I felt like thanking him for telling me. "Even though you never meant for me to join you two, I am more than happy thad I did". His reply, once more, was on point. "Just because I didn't mean to, doesn't mean someone else didn't". Yes, indeed, God wanted me to take time off and listen to him. I obliged to what he said and yes, it was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments I could not help but smile, also nights when all I did was crying my eyes out, feeling like it would never stop.

There are more stories and blog post ideas that I took from there, but I don't want spoil it all.  Let me just say, the next fasting is upon me, starting from wednesday till easter I will cut the social medias again, plus no alcohol (except my birthday and the day I celebrate my birthday, which are two dates already set). Just one tip to give anybody trying to do any kind of fasting: Set yourself rules, and stick to them. If you know that there will be days that you want to cheat, not spontaniously but because life around you goes on, then decided those exceptions before. Once the fasting starts, try to stick to the plan as good as possibly. It really is a good thing to try out, and possibly repeat once in a while too, as once you've developed a liking to such a challenge, the next one is probably just waiting around the corner.

Cheerio.

The sound of a heart

I always liked music. That is definitely true. The thing about me saying I like it implies though, that I don't love it. I can do well without it. Even "Christian music" or worship music. It's just not as important for me as it seems to be for others. I played the flute for almost ten years, tried to teach myself guitar, sung in various choirs. Music is fine, really, just not everything. Still there are moments and songs in my head that are inseparable. 

I remember being sixteen on a night train to Barcelona. The story sounds way more interesting told this way. We went there do the second part of our class exchange program that we had with a school in Alicante. So we sat there, thirteen teenagers squished in a railway compartment that was build for four people. It was hot, there was no space. We were drinking, listening to music, being the teenagers we were. Next to me sat my crush, a guy who should later, starting with that week, slowly become my best friend. He had smuggled a bottle of Jägermeister into the train. I tried a bit; to my utter surprise I liked it. He laughed at me and I guess my heart kind of stopped that moment. Then a song came on. "Behind blue eyes". We both have blue eyes and I blurted out without thinking that I really liked that song. It spoke about pain you hide, and I think all people who remember their teenage years know how it is to hide at least a little pain. So we kind of started to chat about music, figuring out that we both cared more for lyrics than for tunes. We connected somehow.

Later that night I sat next to another guy after having changed the compartment to the one my friends and I slept in (the "neighbours" were nicer there). Again, I spoke about music, this time about that kind, that is heavily bass, drums and guitar infused. I got introduced to some bands I still listen to and to the kind of music called nu metal. I never liked the screamo, so this fit me.

I hardly ever spoke to the boys in my class to this point. I did not have any male friends to be honest, so just chatting with them was odd for me. That's why probably the topic stuck so much. Sometimes I still smile at that person I was. Today I feel totally comfortable and at ease around guys. Sixteen year old self could not know.

There is another song that was some sort of life changing to me. It was a day after my fourteenth birthday, Good Friday. We went to a camp in the morning, in the evening we had the usual christian camp thing, someone talking about the bible, worship, etc. I can't really remember how it went, it is kind of blurry, but throughout the evening I decided to become a Christian, to follow Jesus. Somehow linked to that is a German song. I don't know what it was; it just made me understand all those things I couldn't before. The thing with that song is, it's not one we sing at church. Sometimes they do sing it at big gatherings though, like the camp I was between Christmas and new years. I don't listen to it throughout the year as it is really dear to me and I don't want it to lose its magic. Why is it so special? My body reacts to it very much. All of a sudden I feel like that fourteen year old girl again, it is like newly enamoured, but instead of some stupid boy, I feel enamoured of God. I have weak knees, I start to cry, I am shaky, and butterflies are in my tummy. I wouldn't want it to happen randomly, but to have that feeling every once in a while is glorious, it grounds me and reminds me that fourteen year old me was able to decided bloody wisely.

In general, I think if there was a particular music playing during important moments of your life, then those songs will stick with you. I have a song stuck in my head almost every day, which is just kind of part of my life. I once even wrote that music is the background of life. It has no main character qualities for me, but it can enhance the bigger picture of a situation. 

The next story is terribly cheesy. I said when I was sixteen I was in Spain with my class. The second day after we went there, the whole group went to go to a theme park close to Alicante. Most of the day we spend as a group together. I have to admit that I am terribly afraid of rides, still I went on all, except two (one looked scarier than I could take, the other was a free fall thing, not fond of them). Sometime in the afternoon the guy I talked about earlier got kind of bored. Most of the group wanted to see a show whilst he wanted to go on more rides. Crushing on someone makes you do stupid things, so I said I would join him. The two of us left the group and we went on all the rides we wanted. I did not care much about my fears, I just went along, which was odd for me. Especially when I say it once more that I had no male friends at that time. One on one with a guy I felt very insecure. We knew when the show was over, so we went to await the others at the main gate. We were exhausted so we sat down, out of a speaker there played some music. All of a sudden a song came on by Céline Dion. I was surprised that I recognized it, as I only downloaded it the week before going to Spain. It was a terribly itchy cheesy song, but for my current situation very fitting. So I sat there, enjoying the irony of a song describing my exact emotions, not saying a word about them. Then the group came back and the moment was over. 

Right now, as I have Spotify on shuffle, the song Hosanna came on, another one of my all time favourites. I remember a time where I could not bear to listen to Christian music. I didn't feel like praising God, so I thought that I was lying when I listened to those songs nevertheless. The only song I didn't skip on my mp3 was this. 

I mentioned earlier that I care about lyrics more than I do care about tunes. I really do, especially when I find that the singer does not represent the words of the song correctly. I have spent hours searching for covers of songs, until in my head the voice and lyrics aligned. I also refuse to listen to any music I don't understand the lyrics off. With the exception of some party tunes due to nostalgia I mostly listen to songs that I at least some sort of agree with the lyrics with. If you want to go on my nerves start blasting Pitbull with "whistleblower" or "wiggle", that'll do. Or sing "take me to church" as a friend of mine has been doing recently. I prefer not having those stuck in my head, thank you.

A lot of people I know care so much about music. Some songs have carried me through a lot, and the past two weeks I have been listening to worship music more than usually, due to reasons I might explain later. Still, I know that I feel way better when stuck with words, written words, black on white. A tune can carry an emotion much easier than a word, music is universal. Maybe that's why I'm more impressed with the other, as you are limited by language. How to express something like an emotion with words? It does make less sense than expressing it by a melody. Also, have you ever heard of songs that carry a story? I love those!

To be honest I just assume that I have a very unpopular opinion on music. I know so many people who care about it beyond all measures, that go to oh so many concerts in their life, that pay lots of money for it and kind of just crazy. I can't really understand that. I use it as a means to an end when I study for something or write on a paper. Sometimes I also just relax to it, but that is a rare occurrence. I have cried cause of songs, laughed, I felt emotions due to some, but that does not change how I feel about it in general. Yes, songs have me inspired to write before, as they will continue but music does not mean everything to me and that is just the way it is, which works out fine for me. Music is not the voice my heart speaks.e I'm quite happy that I don't have to be passionate about it, just imagine how boring that would be. I'll stick with my crappy writing.

Cheerio.