It all comes down to shame

I've always found the story of Adam and Eve to be very interesting. I remember being a kid, about eight years old, at a different church than the one I am now attending. At Sunday school they were teaching us about the origins of the earth, about Eve and how she picked up that apple (or whatever fruit it was) and how it all went downhill from there. One thing stuck with me. The Sunday school teacher asked us if we thought we would've done better, but there was not one doubt in me, even at that young age, that I would've done exactly the same due to various reason.

Back then I already knew that I was curious. I wanted to know everything and not eating that apple would've meant not understanding the world they lived on, which didn't seem good enough. Later, when I was older I thought that I would've eaten it because the snake was good at convincing. I can imagine it saying something like "he does care for you, sure, but he has his own superior motives in mind. He isn't giving you everything, but expects you to be obedient. That isn't fair, is it?" My fear of not getting enough, of always being the second would have gotten to me and I would have fallen for that trap, for sure.

Nowadays I assume I would probably still not be able to deny, mainly because I am back to wanting to know everything. Knowledge and understand is very appealing to me and we are speaking of the tree of knowledge. Of course I would've bloody eaten the fruit; I don't doubt myself for a second there. I would have yielded oh so quickly. And what happened next is not a secret.

Eve convinced Adam to eat of it too, and then they hid in the woods, as all of a sudden they felt shame. Ever since that moment, whether it really did happen or not, we are prone to be ashamed and we are. And when we are too ashamed we try to hide, to cover up and to pretend like it never happened. That's how God found them. All of a sudden aware of their nakedness, they didn't try to dare walk around in front of God anymore. I can imagine them only just starting to understand who they were spending time with. They didn't feel at peace around him anymore because they got a grasp at how important he is. That's how I imagine. And when God figured out what happened I can only imagine how sad he felt; because he loved the two of them dearly. I think he wanted to be close to them, but now shame separated them forever.

That's how it is today. I realized just how bad shame is controlling us all, but when I realized, I could see traces in the lives of every person around me, also in mine. My father is ashamed so he is drinking to cover up. My friend is ashamed so she hides behind fear, that guy is ashamed and so he pretends, the next person is ashamed and so they try to compensate. I am ashamed and so I am angry, or sad, or secretive or I don't know.

Now don't get me wrong. There are moments that feeling ashamed is appropriate, mostly when it is paired with feeling sorry. When you did something wrong, being ashamed for what you did is key to asking for forgiveness. Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so we now know what good and evil is. So when we do evil, we will feel ashamed. SO the problem for me is not the feeling ashamed, it's the being and staying ashamed. It's the covering up our shame instead of being open about it.

I figured that out the hard way, but at least I did figure it out. When I finally allowed to myself to think about the whole questioning-my-own-sexuality-thing I was relived to figure it out. But only when I spoke about it in public for the first time I felt like it was done. Before that I was happy to have an answer, but I was still ashamed about all of it. That's why I deleted three drafts of that post, too scared to go public even on this blog. What would my friends who have access think? Those are people I care about, what would happen?

Before even posting about it here, before speaking to anyone, I managed to put even more shame on my life. I met up with some friends during the week, and we joked as usually. That day had been kind of shitty and I was tired from sleeping badly when someone I care about a lot said something that hurt me. At first I didn't notice, I joked back didn't even think about it. When I left I could already feel something coming up, but I told myself I was just tired.

Walking to the bus stop I heard what he said on repeat in my mind, and everything it got worse. In the bus I basically shouted at myself to not cry in public. By the time I was home I ran to the bathroom and cried. The next day I woke up furious. At myself for letting that person hurt me, at that person for daring to do so. And I fuelled my anger. I refused to talk to them, look at them, even tried to not think about them, only broke that to be angry at them. I couldn't let it go, even though I told myself it was a joke, no harm intended, it was a little thing and I should not make fuzz about it. But I couldn't. Also I could not tell that person because goodness gracious, I am not such a sissy to get angry about some sarcasm, am I?

Almost a week after it happened, I was still hurt, angry and sad, it hit me. I was so ashamed about my own feelings and the fact that it got to me so badly, that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had a good laugh at myself trust me, but then I started to think this through. In order to being able to forgive that person, I needed to tell them, no way around it. So I had to address the issue and be open about how they managed to hit a spot, I had to expose the wound, again, and hope they wouldn't use it against me. What a risk. In the moment I took that decision, I had this feeling that it was exactly the right thing to do. I was closing the door to anger, and tried to clear my thoughts instead.

So the next day, I felt better. All of a sudden I was able to let it go, but this time, I decided against it. I knew that not speaking about it would give me a short time rest; I wanted it to be gone for real though. I prepared my words and texted my friend. Afterwards came fifteen minutes of absolute utter fear. I had made my point and awaited an answer, in total horror of the fact that I had been painfully honest once again. You know what? Once again it was the right thing to do. All my fears of them using it against me were totally in vain and the reply all in all just showed me how much of a mess I made out of nothing. Still I claim that I did what I had to do. Being ashamed doesn't fix it, it might be a good start to feel it, but to use it in order to solve a conflict is better than to try to hide forever, because I think no one is able to hide forever. Adam had to speak with God and both of them had to life with the mess they created, that's what we still need to do today.

I think most problems happen because we are hurt beings. We are hurt in many ways throughout our life and we can only take so much of it until we fall. Even in paradise they got hurt, and they were protected well. So maybe we should start questioning we hold on to grudges, why we keep being angry and why we blood can't open our mouths about or feelings in general. Maybe we should stop being ashamed, not overnight just to walk right into the trap again tomorrow, but instead slowly but surely start to realize that shame is not the end of the road, it could just indicate that it's time to adjust the path a bit to get past this obstacle.

And mistakes happen, look at Eve, but don't let them take you down, be forgiving with yourself and others.


Cheerio.

Optimize Yourself

So I'm a woman (Yeah I know, surprise surprise), and as that it sometimes happens that I find myself questioning my own beauty. If I'm really honest, I'd admit that I want to BE beautiful and as beautiful can't be generalized at least I want to FEEL beautiful. The thing is you'll not really see me doing much for that. Lately I wasn't happy with myself and even my life in general. It’s not a huge thing, just a detail. Basically it felt like a beautiful dress that wasn’t fitted perfectly. Therefore I decided that actions were louder than words and that I wanted to take small steps towards a better me and I’ll let you in on that process.

First let's talk about clothing. I prefer dressing more casual than smart, in the mean time I secretly love dresses and skirts since I was a little kid. At some point I just stopped wearing them and nowadays I didn't get back to it, even though I actually have a collection of dresses in my wardrobe. I'm planning on wearing them more often this summer and I hope I'll make it.

The next thing was about cosmetics. There I started very lightly by watching tutorials on YouTube, both on hair and on make-up. It's not the first time that I did that so it's not a huge deal. Of course those tutorials inspired me to actual try something out. I started wearing make-up more often, just light one as usual, but after a while my make-up collection didn't suffice anymore, so I went and spent some money on more stuff, including a bright pink lipstick. I was no confronted with a problem, as I wanted to use that lipstick but in the mean time I was not brave enough. In the end I did it anyway and apart from some ironic comments I got a positive response to it. All that thinking for nothing one could say. Finally I decided to cut my hair short again today even though a friend told me off of it, and I'm loving it.


You think that was enough? Then you are wrong. I was surprised to which extend I wanted to work on myself, because the whole thing is going way further than I could’ve ever imagined. Another thing I'm trying to do is eating healthier. I'm not so into vegetables and unlike many other female specimens I would prefer almost anything to eating salad. Nowadays I try to eat one healthy thing a day (I know that I'm nowhere close to five a day, but I said small steps, remember?), and I'm doing more than fine with that.

The last thing is the biggest surprise. Since last Wednesday I went jogging. Twice. For those of you who know me well, I'll give you a moment to catch your breath, for those who don't: I basically hate exercise and I'm pretty sure that jogging is some kind of torture. Trust me, I don't enjoy the whole sport experience at all, but again, it's healthy. I want to be able to walk on this earth without feeling like coughing blood every time I have to run after a bus. Plus, even though I hate it I can already see results, which was great after having a terrible muscle ache the day after I went the first time. Today I managed to run three times the distance I was able to do last Wednesday, which definitely made me happy.

So you see I'm working on myself. I do it not only because I want to feel beautiful, that was just the initial thought. I've realized that I've been given a body and that I have to work with that as long as I live. Even though I don't want to admit it, your looks are important, people are judging you based on it. I've decided to make give them as little room as possible, without giving up my principals. I want to become a more confident person, I want to become more "me" than I was the day before. I won’t be wearing make-up on a daily basis, but if I feel like it, then I’ll apply it. I've heard a lot lately that we shouldn’t be searching the faults in others if we feel treated badly, but to take action ourselves, to become a better person for ourselves. That's what I'm trying.

Cheerio.

My best friend, the green eyed monster

I try to be positive, but I do always find the fault in things, especially in my own life. Maybe I'm not the person to be content with it. I am very jealous, I've always have been. To keep it simple, I'm afraid to be disappointed with what I achieve and my fear manifests itself in jealousy. 

I remember back in school when I was friends with this one girl, I was told by a teacher what jealousy meant. I've always wanted to be part of people’s life, and that is a good thing I guess, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. At some point I remember getting angry at her because she preferred hanging out with another girl, not me. Of course I have changed since then, I understand that she wasn't offending me and all, but back then I could not understand why I felt sad when she didn't want to spend that afternoon with me, yet it was just this now well known emotion.

I'm happy when my friends are happy; I want and need them to be so. Jealousy or envy means that I want to have what another person has, meaning that the other person has that special somewhat. Today I found out again how dirty it feels. I bumped into a friend while I was in town. She told me about her new job, how she was earning a lot for the little time she did work and how all was good. She deserves to make a good living, as she will be attending Uni next year just like me, I don't grudge her that success, at least I don't want to, but inside I did.

I instantly started comparing what she was doing with what I will be doing in two weeks. I will work half a day more than her, per week. She earns a lot, more than anyone I know (when you count per hour). Don't get me wrong, I'm more than relieved to have found a job, but why do I feel like I always get less in the end? I'm going to be cleaning in a hospital for the next five months whereas she works in a shiny office, and as a second occupation looks after a little boy. Yes, I am more than definitely jealous, and that makes me angry with myself.

There are always people who have it better, always people who have it worse. I just can't get over the whole comparing-people thing. I want more for myself, and eventually I might get there, but right now I'm just annoyed how close-mined I happen to be. Right now, I live with jealousy, but it's my goal to get rid of it, step by step, until it is reduced to an absolute minimum. I will just have to fight my own thoughts.

Cheerio

Don't forget the copyright

So here comes the third part of the series, I hope that after finishing this post you will understand what the title has to do with it.

"You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses the name" (Exodus 20:7)

So firstly let’s talk about some Names that God has. There is a whole list, but I’ll pick out some in order not to write too much. For example we have ‚JEHOVAH-ROHI‘ (Psalm 23:1) ‚The Lord my shepherd‘. This name is beautiful because it shows how much God wants to look for us, how much he cares. Like a Sheppard he doesn’t want any of his flock to get lost. A  second one is ‚JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH‘ (Ezekiel 48:35)‚The Lord who is present‘ which says that, unlike Nietzsche said, God isn’t death, but Nietzsche is instead. And last but not least ‚EL-SHADDAI‘(Genesis 17:1,Psalm 91:1) ‚God Almighty‘, which sums ist up pretty well.

But let’s talk about what the verse really means, because this is really bad for me. It means every time I say something like 'oh my god', or 'holy shit' or anything along those lines, I do wrong, and God can hold me responsible for that. The thing is, I'm not really good at holding back such things, they slip out of my mouth without me even realizing what I just said. God wants us to respect him, respect his holy name. I wouldn't shout 'Oh my Carolina' either, would I? To know his name, to say it out loud, is a privilege and we need to honor him with it, which usually is just really hard.

I thought that this was the end, that I couldn't say more about this part when a different thought hit me. What if God not only wants us to keep his name out of some things, like swearing, but wants to be credited on others? Maybe it's not just we should not misuse it, but on the same time use it when it should be used. In the name of the Lord there is so much, a song says there is freedom, love, acceptance... The list could go on forever. Plus God wants to be involved with us. He is the creator of everything, he made you and me. Is it impossible that he wants to hear a thank you from time to time? He had a lot of work in making this earth, so maybe he wants us to acknowledge what he did. Sure, he doesn't need it, but I don't need compliments either, but still you can make me happy with it. As we saw earlier, his name is more than powerful and so we should stop talking about coincidences or even fortune, because in the end it’s about God’s plan, it’s on his purpose. He should be given the credit for it.

Isn't this part of worship, giving honor to the one who deserves it?  I guess so. For a long time worship to me was just singing, or maybe playing an instrument, but there is much more behind that as I found out in a conversation some weeks ago. Maybe I’ll write about ist in another post, but I guess that we now have finished what I had to say about the third commandment.

Cheerio