I've always found the story of Adam and Eve to be very interesting. I remember being a kid, about eight years old, at a different church than the one I am now attending. At Sunday school they were teaching us about the origins of the earth, about Eve and how she picked up that apple (or whatever fruit it was) and how it all went downhill from there. One thing stuck with me. The Sunday school teacher asked us if we thought we would've done better, but there was not one doubt in me, even at that young age, that I would've done exactly the same due to various reason.
Back then I already knew that I was curious. I wanted to know everything and not eating that apple would've meant not understanding the world they lived on, which didn't seem good enough. Later, when I was older I thought that I would've eaten it because the snake was good at convincing. I can imagine it saying something like "he does care for you, sure, but he has his own superior motives in mind. He isn't giving you everything, but expects you to be obedient. That isn't fair, is it?" My fear of not getting enough, of always being the second would have gotten to me and I would have fallen for that trap, for sure.
Nowadays I assume I would probably still not be able to deny, mainly because I am back to wanting to know everything. Knowledge and understand is very appealing to me and we are speaking of the tree of knowledge. Of course I would've bloody eaten the fruit; I don't doubt myself for a second there. I would have yielded oh so quickly. And what happened next is not a secret.
Eve convinced Adam to eat of it too, and then they hid in the woods, as all of a sudden they felt shame. Ever since that moment, whether it really did happen or not, we are prone to be ashamed and we are. And when we are too ashamed we try to hide, to cover up and to pretend like it never happened. That's how God found them. All of a sudden aware of their nakedness, they didn't try to dare walk around in front of God anymore. I can imagine them only just starting to understand who they were spending time with. They didn't feel at peace around him anymore because they got a grasp at how important he is. That's how I imagine. And when God figured out what happened I can only imagine how sad he felt; because he loved the two of them dearly. I think he wanted to be close to them, but now shame separated them forever.
That's how it is today. I realized just how bad shame is controlling us all, but when I realized, I could see traces in the lives of every person around me, also in mine. My father is ashamed so he is drinking to cover up. My friend is ashamed so she hides behind fear, that guy is ashamed and so he pretends, the next person is ashamed and so they try to compensate. I am ashamed and so I am angry, or sad, or secretive or I don't know.
Now don't get me wrong. There are moments that feeling ashamed is appropriate, mostly when it is paired with feeling sorry. When you did something wrong, being ashamed for what you did is key to asking for forgiveness. Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so we now know what good and evil is. So when we do evil, we will feel ashamed. SO the problem for me is not the feeling ashamed, it's the being and staying ashamed. It's the covering up our shame instead of being open about it.
I figured that out the hard way, but at least I did figure it out. When I finally allowed to myself to think about the whole questioning-my-own-sexuality-thing I was relived to figure it out. But only when I spoke about it in public for the first time I felt like it was done. Before that I was happy to have an answer, but I was still ashamed about all of it. That's why I deleted three drafts of that post, too scared to go public even on this blog. What would my friends who have access think? Those are people I care about, what would happen?
Before even posting about it here, before speaking to anyone, I managed to put even more shame on my life. I met up with some friends during the week, and we joked as usually. That day had been kind of shitty and I was tired from sleeping badly when someone I care about a lot said something that hurt me. At first I didn't notice, I joked back didn't even think about it. When I left I could already feel something coming up, but I told myself I was just tired.
Walking to the bus stop I heard what he said on repeat in my mind, and everything it got worse. In the bus I basically shouted at myself to not cry in public. By the time I was home I ran to the bathroom and cried. The next day I woke up furious. At myself for letting that person hurt me, at that person for daring to do so. And I fuelled my anger. I refused to talk to them, look at them, even tried to not think about them, only broke that to be angry at them. I couldn't let it go, even though I told myself it was a joke, no harm intended, it was a little thing and I should not make fuzz about it. But I couldn't. Also I could not tell that person because goodness gracious, I am not such a sissy to get angry about some sarcasm, am I?
Almost a week after it happened, I was still hurt, angry and sad, it hit me. I was so ashamed about my own feelings and the fact that it got to me so badly, that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had a good laugh at myself trust me, but then I started to think this through. In order to being able to forgive that person, I needed to tell them, no way around it. So I had to address the issue and be open about how they managed to hit a spot, I had to expose the wound, again, and hope they wouldn't use it against me. What a risk. In the moment I took that decision, I had this feeling that it was exactly the right thing to do. I was closing the door to anger, and tried to clear my thoughts instead.
So the next day, I felt better. All of a sudden I was able to let it go, but this time, I decided against it. I knew that not speaking about it would give me a short time rest; I wanted it to be gone for real though. I prepared my words and texted my friend. Afterwards came fifteen minutes of absolute utter fear. I had made my point and awaited an answer, in total horror of the fact that I had been painfully honest once again. You know what? Once again it was the right thing to do. All my fears of them using it against me were totally in vain and the reply all in all just showed me how much of a mess I made out of nothing. Still I claim that I did what I had to do. Being ashamed doesn't fix it, it might be a good start to feel it, but to use it in order to solve a conflict is better than to try to hide forever, because I think no one is able to hide forever. Adam had to speak with God and both of them had to life with the mess they created, that's what we still need to do today.
I think most problems happen because we are hurt beings. We are hurt in many ways throughout our life and we can only take so much of it until we fall. Even in paradise they got hurt, and they were protected well. So maybe we should start questioning we hold on to grudges, why we keep being angry and why we blood can't open our mouths about or feelings in general. Maybe we should stop being ashamed, not overnight just to walk right into the trap again tomorrow, but instead slowly but surely start to realize that shame is not the end of the road, it could just indicate that it's time to adjust the path a bit to get past this obstacle.
And mistakes happen, look at Eve, but don't let them take you down, be forgiving with yourself and others.
Cheerio.
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