What it feels like for a girl

As a friend of mine once said to me; "You are not en estrogen bomb". What he wanted to say in context that I might not be the measure of all things female, which I couldn't agree more. Now don't get me wrong, I very much love to be female and I don't want to be a guy at all, all I'm saying is that the typical female stereotypes might not all apply to me.

My mum always says that we are not as typical because even though we are probably as emotional as every other woman too, we also have like a layer of sense above that. Again, I say that's the difference to the stereotype, there are thousands of women who don't apply to that cliche and I'm aware of that. I'm not sure if I see it exactly like here, because sometimes I'm very much just emotional or hormonal as some unknowing men would like to call it. 

I like spending time with male specimen. When I was younger that was not the case, but nowadays I do. We had a class reunion a few weeks ago and after eating at a Mexican restaurant we went to a bar. In there we met three guys who went to school with us, but not in the same class. With two of them I went to primary school and I've known them since I was seven. It casually happened that I engaged in a conversation with them, I think about girls. At some point one of the guys took my phone, looked at my contacts and at some photos. I let him because I didn't mind. A minute later a friend of my class approached me, gave me a distinguished smile and said: "Did he give you his number?" I couldn't do anything but shake my head. I had been talking to them for fun, I think we even talked about the girl one of them fancies and he even texted my flatmate because he thought she was cute. I’m ok with being one of the guys in some situations.

I'm a woman, but I'm not being friends with guys to find a boyfriend, nor do I try to fit in where I don't belong. In my opinion I'm just acting natural. I don't have to pretend to find video games cool, because even though I haven't played a massive amount of them,  I grew up with a brother who thought me the essentials. Besides I really think the legend of Zelda and Assassin's Creed are rad games. Sometimes I like the kind of irony and sarcasm that, in my surrounding, is found more often in guys than in gals. I also get the ambiguous jokes some guys like to make, and sometimes I can’t help but laugh at them. Lastly, occasionally I think there is nothing more fun than having a play fight with someone. I'm neither strong nor athletic, which means at some point I kind of have enough and give up, to that mark though I totally enjoy it! Men are like little boys, and sometimes I like to let my inner kid out too.

The next thing I want to talk about is cloths, appearance and all these things. Mostly I wear jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up, no earrings, hair brushed but open, only little jewelry like a watch and bracelet and occasionally a necklace. I don't spend a lot of time figuring out what to wear in the morning, I just grab a pair of jeans, and depending on the colour I pick a t-shirt (I just don't want to wear all black for example). If I'm really honest that's not how I like to look though. I once had a conversation with a dear friend about what we would wear if we didn't mind at all. I told her I'd be looking way more feminine that I do know. I like skirts and dresses. I enjoy putting on make-up and I can't wait till my hair is long enough to get my next project done (red ombré ends). Also I have started a little obsession with nail polish the past few weeks. 

Why don't I just change then? I once wore pink lipstick to church and the review were very mixed. Also skirts can be annoying if you are not the best-behaved person which means you don't want the world to see your knickers whilst driving a bike or sitting on the floor. Make-up is difficult because once people get used to your make-up face, they forget how you look without, which means you'll look rather bad. I want to treat myself with these things, and a treat is only effective if it's not a regular. Also I probably still put way too much thought in being judged by others. Bad move.

It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman just because right after pride & prejudice, my second favourite movie of all time is the matrix trilogy. Just because sometimes I get so annoyed by fellow females that I just need to watch an action movie, doesn't mean I do not love my gender. Only because I'm stubborn enough to try and do almost everything on my own and I hate to get help doesn't mean I can't accept it when I really need it. Finally, it doesn't make me less of a woman to be technical support to my dad, to my Uni friends and to my flatmates (who cannot even change a freaking light bulb on their own). It just makes me more of the woman I'd like myself to be. I have some manliness points for cliff jumping and watching the movie "300" but I'm pretty sure I lost them the moment I decided to never jump again or when I started painting my nails out of boredom while watching the movie. I can not replace any man ever ;)

Now there is one topic I'm purposely not going to talk about, that's the whole rape culture thing. That would be way more than I actually want to talk about. There is injustice towards women that's for sure, and as the person I am I have no right to judge that in any way. This post concentrates on stereotype that I think can be annoying, but in the end they do no actual harm.

As a cisgender heterosexual female I can say that some aspects of my gender help me whereas others set boundaries I don’t like. I’m lucky to be living in a world where it’s ok not to get married and have kids. I live in a world where a woman chases her goals, whatever they might be. Every human being on this planet is different, whether you have two X chromosomes, XY or something else. From Tomboys to Fashionistas, whatever floats your boat is what you should live, same applies of course for the males. Stereotypes and statistics do not determine a person. Society tries to but if you won’t let it, if you do you, then it stands no chance.

Thank God I’m a woman ;)

Cheerio. 

P.S If you want to hear a song about this topic that I love click this.

Why I am sometimes weirded out

So here is the second part of the things that have happened this weekend. It’s the more personal perspective, it contains of the whole Sunday because i found it quite hard to figure out what to keep and what to toss because the whole day was just a whole story. I have to admit though that two days after writing the whole thing I’m not sure what kind of light I’m going to shine on myself now, but I promised to post it so here you go. 

I just saw it again on Sunday how God takes my personal feelings into his hand and how he knows the way to make me feel blessed and happy. In the morning at the end of the service the US team initiated something called a fire tunnel. Essentially it means that some people experienced in praying stand in two rows, facing each other, that's the tunnel. One by one the receiving people walk through that tunnel and they get prayed for, whilst they do that, some people prayers might lay their hands on shoulders, bellies or heads, one reason for that might be that physical connection helps them. Now we don't talk about calm prayers here, as that's where the fire part comes in. Touched by the Holy Spirit both, the prayers and the recipient can feel different level of that presence. The scale varies from nothing, to heat, to heavy shaking up to just passing out or screaming. All of these things are normal.

Now I have two problems with this. As I said, I try to be reasonable and controlled and I know that's not the goal when going through a fire tunnel. It is very strange to see how different people react. To be honest I still get chills when I see someone being shaken like a maniac. Also I'm not so fund of the touching as it tends to be rather overwhelming for me. Last year I was kind of forced to walk through by a friend. Don't get me wrong, she didn't mean any harm, but I found it hard to deny her when she noticed that I had hadn't been through yet. This year I knew that nothing would bring me to do it, if not myself. It was like cliff jumping all over again, I saw other people doing it, enjoying it and slowly, oh so slowly the desire in me grew. At first it was a silent promise: “Next year.... next year I'm not only going to walk through it, I will stand at the end caring for whoever needs it, I promise that, but this year I might just not do it at all”. So when I realized that the line became shorter and shorter I took the leap of faith. It was ok, not as confusing at last year, but also not as touching. I just walked out in the end.

In the afternoon we got to spend some time with the team though and I then realized what I talked about before. They are people with a serving heart, nothing more, nothing less. By just spending the afternoon with them I got blessed the way I get blessed the most, by just being with them, naturally, chatting and enjoying the sun. It might not seem like much, but for me it was brilliant. There were me and two of my close friends who actually had almost nothing to do with that whole mission trip, still we were in that incredibly small group of seven people of our church who were on that mountain with them. We even got involved when handing out the parting gifts for the Americans (Swiss army knives ;) ) as we were asked to help distribute them and saying something to each person we handed them to. With God you basically never give without receiving back straight away. I don’t know why, but this meant so very much to me.

In the evening I was in quite a bit of a hurry as I wanted to go back to college late at night. At the end of the service there was once again a fire tunnel. This time I had not doubts, I just walked through it. Again it was nothing too spectacular. When I reached the end though I saw that a guy, who is fifteen years old, had joined the praying rows. Without thinking too much I did the same, leaving between doubting to even walk through to being part of it myself, less than twelve hours. Now we are not talking about me suddenly being good at this, but I know two things: Firstly I did not cause any harm. Whether it was allowed for me to do this or not, God was ok with it. I know that. Secondly, for me it was very important. Being on the other side of this tunnel helped me calm down. I remember two people crawling through it. Usually that would’ve scared the living heck out of me but I have never felt so calm, actually I just laughed.

I’m slowly but surely learning to stop over-respecting everything at church, thinking about the right protocol for everything. I just act the way that I feel God is telling me to and that feels oh so healthy. It means less control, but still not absolutely losing me. I was aware of what was happening, I checked my watch every five minutes to not miss my train, but I was there, open, trying to serve at a place where I would’ve never seen me standing at all. Besides, standing in the tunnel was probably a better preparation if God really wants me to fulfil my promise next year and doing the “after care” as I call it ironically. If I misunderstood him or his goals for me are different by then, ok, he probably has his reasons then.

I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with that weekend, where to sort it exactly. I have experienced more that has to do with this kind of supernatural stuff in the past month than I have the rest of my life before. It’s kind of overwhelming and as it’s something completely out of my control also a bit scary. I’m right now taking time to sort this because even now I don’t comprehend why I acted as I did. Looking back it was so not “me” to stand in that row, I’m way to shy or rather insecure for stepping out like this, at least it was stepping out for me. I’m also proud though for not doing my usual running away trick, sneaking out as soon as possible and then pretending like nothing happened. I might becoming more and more who I want to be.

Sorry if this was too much of a diary entry, I just felt like it was what I wanted to write about.

Cheerio.

Easy to carry along

I'm writing this post before I write something in my diary about yesterday, so the thoughts are still fresh and have not left my brain yet. Also usually I don't talk as much about my personal relationship with God, as again, it's probably the utmost private thing I have, but I want to share my thoughts here today. Also in this post I just chat about things that go on at my church, including things that cannot be easily explained as they are supernatural. I still try my best to explain everything briefly. Due to the length of this post I’m going to divide it into two parts, firstly some general things and then the events of last Sunday.

Last weekend I had a great time, even though quite a while I thought that this wouldn't be the case. Let me elaborate. Our church had some visitors from the USA who were on a mission trip in Switzerland. They all attend the same school that belongs to a big church in the US. I have not yet seen through it completely, but when it comes to that church, my church is kind of obsessed.

I really consider it unhealthy from time to time, and I have never made an effort to hide me being displeased. Yes, some of my friends are there, or they plan to attend, some have paid it a visit before. I'd never say they are some kind of fangirls/boys, following the newest trend. I believe that the movement there does a lot of good in the name of God and that I know nothing bad about them to say, but I still have a big problem with what's going on. Sometimes it seems that this church alone is good, holy and blessed. They listen to their music, watch their services online, read their pastor's books and all in all it looks like they are putting those people way too high above themselves. Yes, they are gifted, but so are people in our church. They reach more people, but since when is it quantity over quality? (I didn't say that the quality is bad, but from what I know they started out small, like everyone does)

You see, I'm not opposed to the work, nor the people, but I'm opposed to the hype. Some people behaved like we were going to have celebrities in the house, when all they did was using their God given gift for what they got it, serving. They probably received better teaching than most of us so they serve very well, but from what I got to know about them they also have a servants heart, which means they are humble. Before this weekend I was so distracted by what people said and how they reacted to their coming, that I myself put this group on a pedestal, just on a bad one. I'm more than happy to say that I was wrong.

There is a reason why I act opposed to the whole behaviour and I must admit it's not because I'm clever enough to see through people who just play along and are secretly dishonest with themselves. I get told that I'm reasonable a lot which is probably a good description and I like it. The problem is that apart from being reasonable I am also very passionate. If I'd let myself then I could easily jump on every bandwagon around me. I just don't want that all the time, so I keep that passion stored somewhere inside of me so it doesn't break loose all the time. That doesn't mean that I'm calm or anything, I have no problem to express myself and be a bit crazy, but there is one area of life when it's very different, namely everything that has to do with God.

I don't want to exaggerate around him; I just want to be me, and the most me I could actually be. I don't want to be shaken or swept off my feet, just because it happens to my peers. I don't want to lift my hands during worship because it's the norm at church. I don't want to pray in tongues, or pretend to be able to do it just for the sake of belonging. (Disclaimer, I don't say I knew of anyone who does that but could easily see it happen). Me and God, us, that's what I want. I want to honour him because I want to. I want to desire to follow where he leads me because that's my actual heart cry to. For me, God does not do anything to force me, he just picks up my hand and then we see together what's next. I'm not his puppet, instead we are a team. He talks to me in the way that makes me comfortable, he doesn't want to scare me and for me that shows just how much he loves me, as a unique person.

That was all I wanted to write about today, the second part follows Wednesday

Cheerio.

To the men in my life

I thought for more than a week about writing this post or not, as it's quite personal and it might come across a little strange. Truth is I love my female friends. They are cool, intelligent and loving. When I want to give them a compliment I just pick up my phone and text them, whether it's the fact that I have thought about them or if I just want to have a quick chat. A simple "I like/love you" is no big deal. With the male specimen around me it's different. It feels weird for me to say that to a guy, except if I say it very ironically, in which case I don't mind. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate my male friends, they are all pretty rad, I just can't say it in any way that seems socially acceptable or doesn't feel way too awkward. Besides, maybe they actually don't even care, so I don't want to make them uncomfortable. 

There's the thing about me where I actually like people to know how I feel about them, especially when we talk about positive feelings. My friends, male and female, make me very happy and they can pick me up very easily when I'm having a bad day. I wouldn't be who I am right now without them, which makes me grateful for having them in my life. So eventually I decided to just make this post. It allows me to express my thoughts without intimidating those manly men around me ;)

The first man I want to speak about is my dad. He was not always the best father, but we have had several good moments lately and it makes me very happy to be able to admit: I love him. He screwed up sometimes, but so did I. Deep down I know that he loves me, no matter what he says, and maybe someday he might be able to express it. Until then it is enough to know that I love him very much and that I won't lose hope.

The second one is of course my dear brother. We've always been close and he is the best brother anyone could ask for. He cares for me and even though I never saw him as a big brother when I was younger, I do nowadays. I'm proud of him and I love spending time with him. He is great!

Now you know talking about family and how you appreciate and love them is not the hardest thing to do. Let's move on to my friends. First of all, my closest guy friend at the moment. The thing with him is that sometimes I wonder how we got so close. He is one of my brother’s best friends and they went to school together. I think we write at least weekly and it's always fun. I'm also allowed to stalk all the girls that he is interested in and I can ask him all the weird psychological questions that I need to portray guys correctly in novels. We call each other sweetheart out of pure irony and I love that ;)

The next guy is another close friend of mine. I'm very comfortable around him which I still find to be rare with males. We don't see each other much or text a lot, but he is very cool and I like him a lot, even though our opinions seem to be rather opposite most of the times.

The next category of people is "my" church guys. They are twats, idiots and nerds. That's part of their charm I guess. No seriously, I can't count the amount of times that having a play-fight (that in my opinion counts as a complete workout) made my week a whole lot better. Sometimes being silly is very calming. Also I can be my sarcastic, cynical self around them which I find to be very liberating. I initially wanted to write about each of them, but I decided against it (that would be too much, even for me xD). If you think they are stupid now, then you are wrong. Those guys are wise, intelligent and loyal. They might complain about chaotic structure in youth group a lot, but they are also willingly to help when you need them to (as seen on new years eve and other occasions). They are fantastic lads and in my opinion really really cool!

My fellow leaders: I kid you not; my biggest concern when becoming a leader was that the rest of the team really were not my cup of tea, especially the male leaders. Now after a year I have to say: I'm sorry. Yes they are machos and talk about working out a lot, but their hearts are in the right place. They are passionate for the cause and they can even be funny (when they are not busy being annoying of course). I appreciate their work and I have to say: it's a pleasure working with them.

The youth pastor. Sometimes it might be very chaotic around him. He overthrew quite a few structures in our group and we are still working on the new ones, but you know what? We have benefited a lot from him. We are growing, we do exciting things (I mean a mission trip to mallorca is pretty exciting to me). Besides, he is more than a youth pastor, from my perspective he is an awesome father to his three boys, a great husband to his wife, a mentor to the guys at our youth group and a friend to a lot of us. Let me just tell you: Chaos is a possible output of work in progress; we can deal with it as long as you keep being inventive and passionate about whatever you do!

There is one man who in my opinion did a lot for me last year. Not only did he support me financially for my trip to mallorca, he also prayed for me and challenged me several times. Thank you so much, words can not describe how thankful I am and I will never forget those things. May God bless you the way you blessed me.

To the one guy who gives me constructive feedback whenever I do something: Thank you. I said it to you before but I’ll gladly repeat it: People might see your age, but hopefully they'll see the truth behind your words. You are a very very cool guy and I can't wait to see what you are becoming!!

Finally to the kiss emoticon guy. Again irony is a cool thing. I really enjoy texting with you, you inspire me. I hope that your adventures will be great and I'm happy to know you.

Oh and before I forget it: To all my former crushes: Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for helping me figure out what I look for in a guy, without most of you knowing about my feelings. To my actual crush: same thing, in addition to secretly making me very happy on various occasions. Of course all involuntarily but I don't care ;)

To the one guy who was my best friend, my crush and the only guy I ever opened up to, you taught me more than any other guy, even if those were painful lessons. I appreciate all of it as it was very important for my personal growth.

Last but not least, thank you to the only guy to ever confess his feelings to me. It's very good to know that there once was a guy as courageous as you to be open about it. It's still something that helps me built some self-esteem to know that there might be other guys like you, even though we were not meant to be.

Jup those were the mayor people I wanted to talk about. I'm surrounded by a bunch of amazing guys and I'm happy for that. I still think this post is very cheesy, but I used to have the habit with my former best friend that being cheesy was allowed on Birthdays because that's when we ignored how weird it was to talk about these things and just said what we always wanted to say. My birthday is over but I don't care, especially since it's not like most of them are going to see this anyway ;)


Cheerio.

defining your own freedom

 Next week I'm turning twenty years old. For some reason that sounds even scarier than turning eighteen was. I mean of course that's the age when you become an adult, you get to vote, you pay taxes and whatnot but in the end most of us were still very much kids when we got there and it was ok that way. Maybe you were about to graduate high school, you might've made plans to travel a bit, or your job training was about to be completed. Whatever it was, your life still had this unimaginable amount of possibilities open for you.

 There is something about being a teenager that means freedom. Maybe it's the lack of better knowledge or the fact that those hormonal beasts just can't be controlled anyway, but there are many roads open. You're free to choose what you want to study; you can never ever travel as easy as you can do now, the world lies beneath your feet. Yes you can still do lots of things in your twenties, especially when there is no hurry to have kids, but you have to be the right person for it. A traveller is easy going, adventurous. I have heard enough stories of friends who went to Australia during their gap year, whilst I sat on my couch in front of a laptop watching YouTube videos.

 Now I feel like the responsible side of my brain has taken over. I work, I go to Uni, I study, I go to church and youth group. It's somewhat monotone. The problem is I just recently discovered how much I adore not being tied to a normal life, how much I actually crave for freedom and the feeling of no strings attached. I thought that having found my place was what I needed. Having roots is a good thing and essential, but living in a golden cage would be torture to me as I seem to be having a rather free spirit.

 So much has had me thinking recently. Once again I look at my life and even though I'm not doing as poorly as I did a year ago, there is definitely more that I still want to do, so much things left to learn. I have a list of places that I want to see, some are not even that far away, but I just don't take the money and time and to actually move my lazy bum there. I'm also evaluating my own short- and long-term goals. There is a lot of faith in me that there is a plan for my life, maybe not for every little instant but for the bigger things. Am I right now doing whatever I can to get there, to achieve those goals? Am I wasting my time when I'm supposed to be doing something entirely different? It's quite hard to distinguish what I should do when. When is a time for quitting, when to endure? I have not a single clue; all I can is to try to make the best of it.

 So far I have not been such a person who wanted to escape normality by whatever cost it may take, but slowly I begin to realise how much the thought of that monotony appals me. How to evade it whilst still being a working part of society? I'm not one to drop out just like that, nor am I one to be pioneering and to make revolutions. I can't just quit my job because first of all it's a good one and I've had it worse. I kind of don't want to quit youth group because it's something that is dear to me, even when it's not always easy. I can't quit church because it's also a place where I experience some of the freedom I look for, though it's also the place that makes me feel restricted so much. Finally I can't quit Uni because even though for a short time that would make me very happy, it's not a good long-time decision. Maybe someday this stupid piece of paper that is a degree will be of a use. I even considered stopping to write this blog because I have not been happy with my online content recently. What am I even talking about? I just know that there is no quitting here, I just need to keep going. Sometimes feelings are tricky, mine usually leave the consequences to a future self instead of considering them in the first place, so I need to find a way to trick them.

 Yes, I realize where my main troubles lie, but as I said, knowing what to do next in life is quite a challenge. Where do I have to make cuts in order to refind happiness and to feel a little more liberated than I am right now? Is freedom something that is on my agenda right now?

 I don't know, that's just what went round and round in my head the past month. In the end I'm sure of two things: That once I'm at the finish line of my life I will look back and see how everything turned out just right. This means that in this very instant, I’m doing just fine even though I might struggle with it. The other thing is that finding out what that means exactly is the work and the adventure of a lifetime. No one is ever ahead of their life, everybody is in constant evaluation and recreation, you find your very on path and that's what life is about.

Cheerio.