Let's talk about love: seconde episode

Hello there, are you up for a next topic? Today I thought that it would be a good day for some dating. Now I hope I made it clear to you that flirting does not mean you are actually that much into someone else, whilst if you actually start dating someone, well then you better be. Flirting may lead to a relationship, but it doesn’t have to, it is as much of an activity for a happy single as it is for someone who doesn’t want to be alone anymore.  As soon as you have caught a real interest in a person, things might change though, as you actually want to catch the other person’s interest too. Instead of just seeing it as fun you might change strategy. You try to figure out as much as possible about the other person and well, you kind of become more concrete. Things become kind of serious, which can be either bad or good.

First of all, what to do when you have a crush on someone? I’m a coward at heart, that’s why I think it’s up to the guy to make the first move. On the other hand I imagine it to be quite hard to open up towards someone out of the blue, so we girls should try our best to encourage the guy, granted that it’s what we want. There is where for me some problems come up. I wouldn’t know how to show interested without giving away too much. When it comes to love I’m rather introverted. When I’m usually open and easy going I totally shut down when I have feelings for someone. The word “normal” does not exist in such situations. I cannot even look at that guy at first because I fear my face will give away everything. Usually I speak my mind but I’m so terribly scared of rejection that when my feelings are fresh I have inner battles how to act around “him”. And even if I wasn’t that shy, when you are comfortable around guys how do you avoid just being seen as a friend, how to stand out? I have no clue.

One of the guys I know heavily promotes the theory that girls can show interested by subtle touches. Body contact is the solution for him. The problem with that one is that I touch other people quite a lot (yay for sounding like a strange person). I mean have you ever ironically patted someone’s shoulder when they’ve complained about something irrelevant? Did you ever hit someone when they did a stupid joke? Have you ever messed up someone’s hair for messing up your friend’s? Ever had a play fight, got thrown into snow or any kind of water? There are a lot of chances to touch someone and not meaning anything with it, so how should a guy know when you are just acting as friends do and when you mean more than that?

Trust me I will not stop the way I act just because some guy has his theory. I will not constantly control myself and over think things from now on. It took me enough time to comfortable around guys, so I’ll remain like that. Of course my friends agreed that it was not the best solution, that’s where another friend comes in. He just shrugged and said: “You might also just ask her if she wants to grab a drink with you”. Hell yes. I mean of course, I would be terribly nervous to get a drink with a male individual. I figured recently that even with one of my closest male friends, I might text them a lot but I rarely ever hang out with just him alone. We went playing billiard recently and even though I know that he is not into me (we talked about that one, TWICE), and I’m not into him, for a moment it felt oh so awkward. That’s life I guess. On the other hand just going into a bar or even a café means that you get to spent time with that person, in which you can discuss certain things in person and also it does not necessarily mean anything because you could also do that just as friends. It’s somewhat nonchalant in my opinion.

Also there is this nice thing with not seeing the obvious. I have experienced both sides, once a guy I showed actual interest in did not notice it. We actually had a conversation about that month later and he had no idea that I had a crush on him for more than two years, even though I fought all my fears down and told him stuff like he is handsome. He didn’t suspect anything. On the other hand I usually see when a couple around me is about to get together. Usually I think it’s very obvious. When a guy does show the slightest bit of affection towards me? I’m totally blind. Ok it only happened once, but after telling a friend who saw us together, she just laughed and said she was suspecting something when I was caught by surprise. Maybe it’s a sign of low self-esteem that people might not see those signs, even when everybody around them does.

Now that’s kind of what dating is to me. It’s the middle stage, after flirting, before relationship. It’s an inbetweener, a link. Again, definitions are not exactly my strength as I tend to just use a word in a specific context. As you might or might not see, I actually do not have that much experience in successfully start a relationship, but I’ve had enough crushes in my life to have at least some rough ideas, trust me on that. See you soon!

Cheerio.

Let's talk about love: first episode

I kind of wanted to write a post about dating, guys and lovey dovey stuff in general for a while now and I thought now was the perfect time as we are approaching valentine’s day. Now don’t get me wrong, in my opinion this day means nothing, except that it will be the third year in a row that I’ll use it as an opportunity to bake something with one of my best friends. Instead f writing one gigantic post this will be the start of a short series containing three parts, all of which will be uploaded this week. That might hopefully lead to me being more active of a blogger once more.

The first topic I want to tackle today is flirting. Now I really think that the amount of flirting in my life was very limited until the last couple of months. It took me long enough to be able to normally talk to guys so I do not wonder why it went slowly with that form of communication. Before I actually dig into it, first I want to state some things. What is and is not considered flirting is something that could lead to an enduring philosophical discussion. I leave it up to yourself to decide what it actually means for you. I know that I’m a person who does consider things to be flirty after just a little, but I also go very easy on it and do not take it seriously. It consists of a lot of teasing with a twist, but what that means is once again hard to pinpoint. My best advice is to be fluent in sarcasm and irony for this task, but it’s not necessary by any means.

You send out some signals, non-verbally and verbally but depending on what kind of person you are it means more or less. I don’t think that it’s easy for anyone to figure out when I’m really interested and when I’m just messing around a bit, whilst with other people it’s more than obvious what their intentions are because they are usually less out there. Most of the time it’s the easiest way for me to communicate with male specimen in general so you’ll most probably see me do it.

Women can be easily lulled into something by a man who knows his words. I catch me every once in a while that I talk to a guy who actually just pushes the right buttons and thus makes me at least the tiniest bit interested. When I was younger that was the source of some problems as I did not understand how much of a game flirting is. It’s like a dance, you approach and get apart, you attract and repel. As in every game there is also the possibility of a loser. That happens when one participant, and I mean only one, forgets about the game aspect and well, falls in love. Been there, done that, it’s not fun. When both feel the same, then congratulation, you got to the next level, relationship.

The perks of flirting are huge. If you do it right you can bring a guy to talk about a lot of things, it helps you get to know them. As I said it involves a lot of teasing and that makes it easier for people to engage in a conversation as you give them room to defend themselves. Also it’s exciting and fun. Depending on the guy I have on the opposite of me, my heart races a little and I enjoy my days a lot more ;)

The best thing is when you actually get something back. I said I don’t take those kind of things seriously anymore, at least not that much, and that is kind of the clue to successful flirting. You want payback for anything, you are not talking to a wall. When I used to focus so much about what the other person might think of me I appeared to be so stiff and insecure that it couldn’t have been fun to have a conversation with me. At some point it stopped luckily, I was way more open and well, I genuinely decided that I liked that bit of tension that you can cause between two people. It’s kind of mean but as easier it is for you to dally a bit, the more chances you’ll get to do it. Men seem to sense it, they see how comfortable you are and they react to it, that’s why I think I have flirted more the last couple of days. It was mostly just responding to whatever kind of attention I got from the opposite gender.

So let me conclude swiftly: Flirting, to me, means talking, chatting, teasing or whatever with a person you might or might not be attracted to. It is not to be confused with having real intentions; neither do you want to hurt the other person. It’s all about playing a game and having fun, no harm intended. It is supposed to be uncomplicated and with no strings attached, at least that’s how I see it. I hope you can enjoy the one or the other good flirt in the future, you never know where it actually gets you in the end. Finally the definitions and executions of it differ from person to person.

Stay tuned for the second part of this little series

Cheerio.

Liberate yourself

There is this episode of the TV series "How I met your mother" in which they say that every person has their own baggage to carry. They take that quite literally with displaying heavy bags that with one person even piled up. That episode stood out to me especially (apart from me being a series junky of course) as I'm very familiar with that metaphor as I had a best friend who considered himself a carrier. We used that word between us to describe how people would always come to him and ask for advice, thus leaving whatever they had on their shoulders on his. As of recently I've had that topic back in my mind due to the things that were happen around me.

It kind of started with a conversation at a bar. I wish the story was as cool at it begins (bars do still sound cool to me, ok?), but it was not that special after all. Two friends and I went to a bar and talked for more than two hours. When at first we just chatted, at some point it became deeper. We started talking about how former experience changed the person we are now and that due to what happened in the past we act different in the present. At some point one of them said how it affected them specific. I never saw that person in that light even though I was familiar with their story. I did not think that the whole situation had such a deep impact on them. Finally my personal conclusion from this conversation was that some baggage is good, keeps us to the ground and reminds us of who we are supposed to be, whereas others ties us back when all we are supposed to do is rise up and leave it behind, forever. 

That's easier said than done. I mean I have tried various times to get over some issues that I've been aware of for a while now and about every blue moon they come up again, triggered by the most random things. It happened again last Friday. Again, a late night, good conversations with dear friends. Eventually one of my friends started to talk about a personality test he took that sorts you into one out of nine categories. We did not actually take a test; we just read some aspect of each type and thus decided who were thought we were. When I read the full description of what I figured was mine I was actually close to tears. Actually I was very much in shock. There were things described that I've never actually realized this way before. I got home that night and I was so confused and emotionally touched it left me with little sleep only.

One of the things that I realized was that as a person who has a ridiculously good memory is that I do not only hold on to the nice ones. I try to forgive quickly and most of the times it works but you know... Sometimes I fail. So this week I found myself buried deep down in confusion, thoughts, and well, sadness. In addition to being emotional anyway I also had the pleasure to give my beloved cat to an animal centre. It sucked and all that and well, added up to my momentarily malaise. Nothing huge, just a reason to eat a lot of chocolate, watch pride & prejudice and after that, finally getting back to being functional again.

Today I got up at half past six, cleaned my whole room and got rid of some things. I can me somewhat of a stockpiler and well, sometimes you need to draw the line in order to feel free of what should be left behind. No point of keeping everything that has the tiniest emotional value to you, measure what you really want to keep, cut out the rest completely, once and for all. Well at least I needed to do that. Getting rid of the cat tree was necessary for me, as was throwing away a very certain pen, some written pages and a tiny scrap. Nope, they were not connected, but all of those things I knew I couldn't keep around anymore if I wanted to finish those things up. During that process I felt it, like a weight lift.

I'm not sure if this concluded the way I wanted it too, but I kind of had to write about it here. Be aware of your past, but don't clamp to it and believe that you cannot do something just because of what happened previously. Find the right balance I guess.

Cheerio.

Redefine yourself

I know I know, I constantly write about growing and getting better and becoming more than I am now. I write these posts because that topic will never grow old. It's important to never stop, to stay in motion your whole life. What that means concretely? I have no clue. I mean I don't even know about the person I'll be in a year’s time, how am I supposed to define personal change? That's not possible; all I can write about is hypothesis of possibility.

A lot of people see the New Year as a new beginning; they make goals and imagine what could happen in the next 365 days of this year. I kind of dislike this habit due to various reasons, one standing out especially. I think what you imagine your year to be in the first place will most of the time not correspondent with what has been going on the whole year round and that's just fine. How boring would life be if you could see the future? On the other hand marking where you are in the beginning of January and then looking at what you became by December seems useful in order to keep track of your changing self. Settling affairs in your mind and then getting them done feels quite brilliant.

 Anyways, here comes the reason why I'm not very fond of New Year’s resolutions. I remember back when I was about 14 years old we were told to write down some goals and put the result in an envelope. We were supposed to get them back by the end of the year, but surprisingly (*cough* Ilovemyunorganizedchurch *cough*) we only received them again a year and something late. So as a then sixteen year old I looked at my resolution and allowed myself a little laugh. If I had followed them I would've dropped out of high school as one of them was to choose math as a main subject. I mean I've got some talents, but maths definitely isn't one of them.

Ever since I banned myself from making yearly goals, because my imagination isn't capable to understand  what is possible in a year. This year however I was once again told to draft some possible outcomes and to be honest I'm not the person to leave a blank. On the other hand I know that writing down very specific thoughts would not help me in any way. So here it is, my resolution for 2014 is: to be like the lion from "the wizard of Oz".

That sounds like a perfect plan. I mean I'm not even that much familiar with this story, I know most of what I do from watching a certain episode of "Futurama" and reading the Wikipedia article. You see I’m very well educated by TV and internet. What I know is that the lion didn't have any courage and that he developed throughout the story. I like it because it's a literature based goal, also it's not very specific. At least it tackles one of my biggest fears, being afraid itself. In case you wonder, yes I'm so deep and philosophical that I'm scared of being scared. Oh the irony. 

There are an awful lot of scary and most of all challenging thing that might cross my path this year but I'll throw myself into the battle once more, trying to have some actual character growth, just like the lion does, so maybe in the end I might have more of a lioness than of the gazelle I resemble right now. I think that's a good goal for everybody.

Also what I'd like to emphasize is the importance of being persistent. I'm working on myself and that takes time, so to continue writing about it shows that I keep it in mind constantly. It actually probably never gets old, every once in a while I will tell myself to talk about it over and over again. The process never stops.

And before I forget, I'm also trying to get back into some sort of schedule. In my head there are so many good ideas, but such a lack of words. Not a very good thing for a blogger, yet something I can overcome. So see you soon, promise!

Cheerio.

Cheers to 2013, Hello 2014

I know, I know, I'm late to the whole year recap thing, but better late than never. Besides, we are on the first page of a 365 pages long new chapter and even though I mocked the idea of the calendar changing to be something important to a human life just yesterday, I can imagine it to be a good milestone to recollect past happenings and to re-evaluate ones life. To be honest sometimes I'm convinced that studying sociology is the best thing for me, considering how much I like to overanalyse things like New Year.

I'm not sure if I'm ever able to say: "This was my best year". Every year has had its ups and downs. I remember December 2012 was rough; I was pretty depressed and sad. One evening shortly before the year ended I remember crying my eyes out because I couldn't take it no more. What was it? Life in general. You see I started last year not in the best mood, and I continued it until halfway through February. Then the first step on my recovery happened, it was the day that I was offered the money to go on that mission trip that I talked about in an earlier post. It was something that didn't have to do with my problems considering finding a job and a flat for college, but it was a sign that everything might turn out just alright somehow.

I recently checked through my diary and read the things I wrote last year. I couldn't help but smile. In march I wrote that I finally felt like I was on the upgrade as I had found a job and about two weeks later I was approached by my youth pastor and asked if I wanted to become a youth group leader. Of course I also like March because it was my birthday and finally because I filmed my first ever YouTube video in the middle of the month. It was pretty awesome.

In April I started working, which was tiring but I was so happy to be finally doing something again. Also I actually became a youth group leader. May and June were month when nothing very spectacular happened, at least nothing that is really worth to be mentioned. July I only remember having to work more, being exhausted and also preparing for Mallorca. Also throughout this time I was tutoring a friend of mine in English which was something that I quite liked. Last but not least I found a flat, even though I was very sceptical about that, but it didn't end up quite as bad. 

August was Mallorca, which definitely marks the highlight of my year. The best part about it? I'm coming back this year! During this time I also grew back closer to a friend who I wasn't that close anymore before. September meant moving out and starting University. A huge step for me, a real adventure but a good one. 

My favourite about October definitely was going to Germany in order to visit the people I met in Mallorca. That was another adventure. I went there with the friend I grew closer again, but I wanted to meet someone from Stuttgart before heading over to Karlsruhe, so it was my first time going to a foreign country on my own and it was also the first time to organize a travel. I know it's nothing huge, but for me it meant quite something. It showed to me once more that I want to keep crossing my own boundaries and get past the things I know. That adventure included being a total minority, seeing dear friends and even going to visit a prison. Pretty cool.

November was challenging. I did my first "preach" in front of my youth group which made me very nervous. I'm not very good with standing in front of people, but I aim to be, so I'm not afraid to work on that. I'm pretty ok with how it went in the end. Besides there was NaNoWriMo, and busy weekends in general as everything seemed to be crammed into the last two month of the year.

December was rough, family drama deluxe, studying for finals, Christmas, and New Year. I struggled again but I told myself to keep looking on the bright spots, the support of my friends, the dance we had at our church and the fact that I survived my first semester and that I could take a break again. The past few days were chaotic but alright in the end. 

After some shenanigans on Sunday I found my eyes to feel rather sore which turned out to be an eye infection. The problem was that I had promised to co-host my church's New Years Eve party and that we had nothing planned. After going to the doctor yesterday he gave me an ok to go, but sadly the other co-host was sick. So yesterday included running to the doctor's, calling a friend very humbly to ask if he would co-host with me (which to my utter surprise he agreed to do), helping to set up the decoration, planning somewhat of a program to entertain the crowd for a while, hosting and besides, trying not to infect anyone and finally actually enjoying myself within that chaos. It all worked out, probably largely because said friend not only stepped in as co-host, but also as technician filling the gap that a sick organiser leaves behind. Even though he does not read my blog, a massive thank you once again. Good to know I have friends that I can spontaneously count on.

To be fair that is not even close to what went on during this year, but all that I thought to be important enough to mention. The year in general was filled with friends, laughter, beautiful and unforgettable moments and as I said, ups and downs. I can't wait for all the exciting new things that 2014 will bring the adventures and the challenges. It better be great!

Cheerio.