Optimize Yourself

So I'm a woman (Yeah I know, surprise surprise), and as that it sometimes happens that I find myself questioning my own beauty. If I'm really honest, I'd admit that I want to BE beautiful and as beautiful can't be generalized at least I want to FEEL beautiful. The thing is you'll not really see me doing much for that. Lately I wasn't happy with myself and even my life in general. It’s not a huge thing, just a detail. Basically it felt like a beautiful dress that wasn’t fitted perfectly. Therefore I decided that actions were louder than words and that I wanted to take small steps towards a better me and I’ll let you in on that process.

First let's talk about clothing. I prefer dressing more casual than smart, in the mean time I secretly love dresses and skirts since I was a little kid. At some point I just stopped wearing them and nowadays I didn't get back to it, even though I actually have a collection of dresses in my wardrobe. I'm planning on wearing them more often this summer and I hope I'll make it.

The next thing was about cosmetics. There I started very lightly by watching tutorials on YouTube, both on hair and on make-up. It's not the first time that I did that so it's not a huge deal. Of course those tutorials inspired me to actual try something out. I started wearing make-up more often, just light one as usual, but after a while my make-up collection didn't suffice anymore, so I went and spent some money on more stuff, including a bright pink lipstick. I was no confronted with a problem, as I wanted to use that lipstick but in the mean time I was not brave enough. In the end I did it anyway and apart from some ironic comments I got a positive response to it. All that thinking for nothing one could say. Finally I decided to cut my hair short again today even though a friend told me off of it, and I'm loving it.


You think that was enough? Then you are wrong. I was surprised to which extend I wanted to work on myself, because the whole thing is going way further than I could’ve ever imagined. Another thing I'm trying to do is eating healthier. I'm not so into vegetables and unlike many other female specimens I would prefer almost anything to eating salad. Nowadays I try to eat one healthy thing a day (I know that I'm nowhere close to five a day, but I said small steps, remember?), and I'm doing more than fine with that.

The last thing is the biggest surprise. Since last Wednesday I went jogging. Twice. For those of you who know me well, I'll give you a moment to catch your breath, for those who don't: I basically hate exercise and I'm pretty sure that jogging is some kind of torture. Trust me, I don't enjoy the whole sport experience at all, but again, it's healthy. I want to be able to walk on this earth without feeling like coughing blood every time I have to run after a bus. Plus, even though I hate it I can already see results, which was great after having a terrible muscle ache the day after I went the first time. Today I managed to run three times the distance I was able to do last Wednesday, which definitely made me happy.

So you see I'm working on myself. I do it not only because I want to feel beautiful, that was just the initial thought. I've realized that I've been given a body and that I have to work with that as long as I live. Even though I don't want to admit it, your looks are important, people are judging you based on it. I've decided to make give them as little room as possible, without giving up my principals. I want to become a more confident person, I want to become more "me" than I was the day before. I won’t be wearing make-up on a daily basis, but if I feel like it, then I’ll apply it. I've heard a lot lately that we shouldn’t be searching the faults in others if we feel treated badly, but to take action ourselves, to become a better person for ourselves. That's what I'm trying.

Cheerio.

A hairy situation

I hate going to the hairdresser. When I was a little kid I refused to brush my hair so it always looked like a haystack. In order to prevent major knots in it, my mum forced me to either go to the hairdresser regularly, or let her brush it. I'm not sure if that's the reason, but to this day I don't really like people touching my head, and due to that I really dislike going to the hairdresser. Of course I don't wander around looking like a tramp. Like every decent human being I wash my hair, and I try to keep it tidy, but that was about it. I go to the hairdresser about every year, except last year when I went twice.

So why even bother talking about that? Well there are certain things I observed about hair. For example, whenever I actually go to the hairdresser, I decided to cut my hair rather short. Last year was special though. I wanted the hairdresser to cut my hair extra short because it meant something to me. Long hair is very feminine and girly, something I associate with well-being, whereas in my head short hair symbolizes strength, confidence and maybe a bit of 'I-don't-care-what-other-people-think' attitude. Yes, we live in modern times where one can wear their hair however they want, but still I had this in my head when I cut it short. After all, it helped me through a difficult time and reminded me that I only need to please myself, which I do.

There are a lot of women out there who care a lot about their long hair. They use a lot of products and are very proud of it. That's ok of course, and I would be shocked if some of my friends cut their hair, as they belong to that type of women. Another thing is men. I know that most of the guys I know prefer long haired girls. It's just something I seem to hear quite a lot. For me it was just another reason to become short haired, as I didn't want to feel dependant on a man's judging. At least that's what I tried to tell myself when my sub- consciousness proved me wrong.

I remember a dream I had about two weeks after I went to the hairdresser's. I was wearing very baggy clothes and as I said, was short haired, when a male friend of mine got up to me. I wanted to hug him as usually, but instead of hugging me, he punched me in the shoulder. After that he went on, poking me and hitting me and I just did not understand why he treated me like that. At some point I stepped away a bit and asked him what was wrong. He then told me that, if I wanted to be treated like a girl, then I should look like one too. I can't remember what happened next, but those words shocked me a lot. Why did I care so much about that deep down?

Another point where I realized how important it is to men is when I was at a friend's birthday party. At first there were many people but in the end just four people stayed for an all-nighter, namely her, her boyfriend, a male friend of them and me. At some point my friend's boyfriend said that he really liked long haired girls, and that for his taste mine was too short. He wasn't being rude, it's his opinion and taste, but it still kind of got to me, especially because I then thought back to that dream, and many conversations I had with my male friends about that topic. Of course I don't need to please my friend's boyfriend, but hearing that you don't look good from a guy is... well it isn't good for my pride.

Last but not least, even though it seems like I need to correct myself, meaning I do care what my hair looks like, I still can't stop myself from trying out new styles and colours, ignoring the fact that men might not like it. I am a redhead now, slightly purple in it, with a self cut fringe that is a bit crooked. To be honest the colour looks odd but I love it. Sadly guy feedback these days is rare, except for my father who told me it was ugly and a friend who once said that he disliked red hair. Oh well, I might one day find a guy who just accepts my hair choices anyway, or I'll die forever alone, whatever :P

Cheerio